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Sep-Oct 2012

September
4 Mitt Romney's Day Off
7 GOP proposes Electoral College "mercy rule"
10 Romney - Repeal 3rd Amendment to support the troops
11 Romney wants unborn to have access to insurance
17 Transvaginal ultrasounds key to Romney immigration fix
20 Romney remains optimistic about campaign
26 Romney 'heartache' scare caused by fried pork rind shard

October
1 Paul Ryan doesn't have enough time
3 Romney - Every critical issue should have a colored line
5 Romney apologizes for '47 percent' remarks
12 Romney to moderates - "I'm careful not to promise anything I can actually deliver on"
15 Conservative pollwatchers ready in vote-by-mail states
19 Secret no more
22 Debate - Romney will get rid of Obamabeer
26 Sununu, Trump & Palin vying to be ambassador to Rhodesia
29 Mourdock proposes free sedatives & housing for pregnant rape victims

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October 29, 2012
Mourdock proposes free sedatives & housing for pregnant rape victims

Seeking to get out from under the fallout from the controversy surrounding his opposition to abortion even in cases of rape, Indiana State Treasurer Richard Mourdock said today he actually cares deeply about women who have become pregnant as a result of rape.

"The stress those ladies must be going through concerns me greatly," the Republican US Senate hopeful said during a campaign stop in Indianapolis.

"That stress is unhealthy for the pre-birth Americans they carry in their wombs. Which is why, if elected, I plan to introduce legislation to provide pregnant rape victims who are upset about being pregnant with free sedatives, so they can be unconscious through the whole experience," Mourdock said.

Mourdock would temporarily house sedated women in a federal 'induced coma unit,' or ICU. He described a typical ICU as similar to a Japanese kapuseru, or capsule hotel. "But with anesthesiologists and IV drips. I think it sounds like fun," he said.

Mourdock said the program's $33 billion projected cost is "a fair trade for protection of fetuses, while also having compassion for their temporary gestational residences."

But Mourdock took pains to explain the program would be completely voluntary.

"Women who don't object to carrying their rapists' babies for nine months, followed by 18 years of joint custody, they wouldn't have to participate," Mourdock promised.

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October 26, 2012
Sununu, Trump & Palin vying to be ambassador to Rhodesia

Frequent comments about President Obama by John Sununu, as well as recent racially charged statements about Obama by Donald Trump and Sarah Palin, reflect behind the scenes competition for plumb ambassadorial appointments in a Mitt Romney administration, say sources with the Romney campaign.

In recent days Palin has tweeted about Obama "shuck & jive" on Libya, and Trump renewed attacks on the president's bona fides by demanding he release his college records.

Sununu has questioned whether Obama knows what it means to be American, and today dismissed former Secretary of State Colin Powell's endorsement of Obama as motivated by race.

"The language of diplomacy is nuanced and coded," said spokesman Punch Romney, a Romney cousin.

"Sununu, Trump and Palin aren't really saying racist things about Obama. They're merely demonstrating they see the world the same way as Mitt Romney, and could represent his policies around the world," said Romney.

"And while I can't speak to this with finality, I can say those three have been shortlisted for top ambassadorships," Romney added.

Punch Romney declined to name the three countries. But foreign policy watchers who follow how Mitt Romney sees the world believe the Soviet Union and Mesopotamia, Persia's gateway to the Mediterranean, to be top priorities.

"Based on the racial nature of what Sununu, Trump and Palin are saying, the top ambassadorship must be Rhodesia," said Phyllis Binder of the Conservative Women's Forum.

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October 22, 2012
Debate - Romney will get rid of Obamabeer

(Boca Raton, Florida) Mitt Romney electrified the audience at the third and final presidential debate tonight, declaring the people's house is no place for a brewery and pledging if elected to stop the production of White House beer.

"A White House brewery gives our youth the wrong message, that they can make booze instead of hanging around outside the 7-11 bakery asking adults to buy it for them," Romney told the rapt audience at Lynn University..

"This anti-capitalist, anti-free market message is extraordinarily foreign to Americans. So on day one of my administration I will get rid of that, and repeal Obamabeer," the Republican nominee said.

Later in the post-debate spin room, campaign spokesman Punch Romney, a Romney cousin, explained that repeal of Obamabeer would involve a privatization plan: "Privatization would entail a one-time Treasury payout of $500 million to capitalize Obamabeer, in order to make it attractive to a private investor -- such as, oh I don't know -- Bain Capital, for instance."

Punch Romney went on to show reporters a marketing plan rebranding Obamabeer as Mittbrew, "to reflect the change in administration."

The Chinese characters on the new label translate in English as Smiling White Devil. "Mittbrew will likely be brewed and bottled in the Shanghai area, so we have to appeal to the Chinese as well as the American export market," Punch Romney said.

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October 19, 2012
Secret no more - The Romney plan to bring jobs back from China

Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has a clever plan to bring American jobs back from China, the campaign announced today.

Romney intends to have his sons become citizens of China, and become Chinese businessmen.

"By self-emigrating to China, they will be able to position themselves to start a private equity business there," said campaign spokesman Punch Romney, a Romney cousin.

The business plan of the Romney sons -- whom the conservative press has already taken to calling the Five White Chinese Brothers -- will be to acquire formerly American companies that Mitt Romney's Bain Capital moved to China.

Those companies will then be harvested, and their equipment and jobs sent back to the US.

"Of course, American workers will have to do their part too, by accepting wages lower than wages in China," Punch Romney said.

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October 15, 2012
Conservative pollwatchers ready in vote-by-mail states

Conservatives are continuing to train an army of pollwatchers, which they say is needed to prevent millions of fraudulent votes from being cast in next month's U.S. general election.

"Ensuring the integrity of the ballot is probably the most patriotic thing you can do," said Ray Siste, spokesman for True The Vote, the group spearheading the training of mostly Tea Party-affiliated pollwatchers.

Siste displayed a list of what he claimed to be phony swing state voter registrations. "Look at these. 'Mickey Mouse.' 'Donald Duck.' 'E. Fudd.' These are the kinds of people we'll be on the lookout for on election day."

Pollwatchers typically patrol polling places, observing people coming to cast ballots. If a voter is suspected of being a nonexistent person, cartoon character, deceased, unlicensed driver or otherwise ineligible to vote, it is the job of pollwatchers to challenge them to prove their eligibility.

But what about states where almost all voting is done by mail-in ballot?

That's the complication facing pollwatchers in the state of Washington, which last year began conducting all elections by mail. However, dedicated pollwatchers say they are ready for the challenge.

The husband and wife team of M.F. and Shirley A. Nutt of Algona in suburban King County are a case in point. The recent transplants from Westmost, North Carolina have enlisted their children in the cause.

"There are 13 mailboxes in our pollwatching zone, and by coincidence we happen to have 13 kids," said Mr. Nutt. Clad in black hoodies and baggie jeans, the Nutt children are stationed at the mailboxes to watch people who drop off mail.

"Mama said I'm supposed to ask 'Are you American?' and say 'Only Americans can vote and you don't look American'," said Lily 'Lil' Nutt, age 9.

"If that don't work I scream 'Help! That foreigner's trying to vote!' Mama says real Americans have nothing to hide, so every time someone goes away without mailing something it means I've stopped an illegal vote for Obama."

Lil Nutt said according to her parents, pollwatching is participating in grassroots democracy and therefore educational. "That's what we say if anyone asks why we ain't in school."

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October 12, 2012
Romney to moderates - "I'm careful not to promise anything I can actually deliver on"

Mitt Romney moved today to reassure moderate voters who are concerned about the Republican nominee's catering to the views of the social conservative wing of his party.

In an interview during the 10 minutes a day Fox News reserves for stories other than car chases and on-air suicides, Romney told Shepard Smith that moderates have no cause for concern.

"I would ask moderates to look at what I'm actually saying I'll do. I'm careful not to promise anything I can actually deliver on," said Romney.

The former Massachusetts governor gave Smith four examples of hyperbolic rhetoric:

  • His March 2012 statement that he would "get rid of" Planned Parenthood. Romney said as president he couldn't get rid of the private nonprofit organization.
  • His claim that his proposed $5 trillion upper income tax cut will be balanced by closing $1 trillion in tax loopholes ("one of my more poorly crafted ideas").
  • Cutting the deficit by eliminating PBS ("the equivalent of cutting 6 hours of Pentagon spending").
  • His September pledge to "take a weed whacker" to environmental regulations ("it would take years to rewrite the decades of laws and rules, and I have the attention span of a flea with dementia. I'm sorry, what was your name again?").

"These are just things people give me to say that sound fiscally responsible and intuitively correct," he explained to Smith.

"But once you think about it, you come to realize no one could be that severely conservative. Really. Trust me."

Scores empathy point

In the same interview on Fox News, Romney again showed how much he cares about average people.

Speaking about the high price of prescription drugs, Romney said he is not concerned about Americans having difficulty affording medicines.

"Look, we're a compassionate country. We don't let people who need prescription drugs lie, dying, in their appliance cartons under the freeway. If they need a prescription, public transit will take them to a pharmacy, and they can rob it."

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October 5, 2012
Romney apologizes for '47 percent' remarks

Floats citizenship fee for Americans too poor to pay income tax

Mitt Romney continued to distance himself from his controversial remarks about nearly half of Americans today, apologizing for saying 47 percent of Americans don't pay federal income tax and feel entitled to government support.

"What I said was just wrong," Romney told Fox & Frenemies co-host Steve Doocy.

Noting he has made a large number of speeches since launching this campaign, the former Massachusetts governor explained that, "it's inevitable that once in a while I say something in an inelegant way, like the '47 percent,' or 'I like being able to fire people,' or 'corporations are people,' or 'that Thomas Malthus sure had the right idea about feeding the poor.'

"In the context of the hundreds, if not thousands, of speeches I've given in the last two years, a few verbal slips are completely irrelevant," said Romney.

"You mean like in Olympics judging, when you drop the low score?" asked Doocy.

"That's about right," Romney replied.

Romney also added, "It's also like when a little bit of radiation is released during a nuclear meltdown. That radiation, in the context of the totality of the planet's atmosphere, is not worth mentioning."

Romney went on to tell Doocy he want to extend a hand of compromise to those still questioning whether he cares about the 47 percent.

"The way to do that, the best way is, to give them innovative alternatives to cut their dependency on government, and take personal responsibility for their lives."

"For instance, it's terrible there are Americans too poor to pay income taxes, I really empathize. So if you are in the 47 percent and don't pay income taxes, when I'm president you'll pay a citizenship fee instead," said Romney.

He stressed the fee will be affordable for the 47 percent. "In fact, I will lower taxes on banks so they will be able to offer low annual percentage rate Citizenship Fee Loans to the extremely poor," he said.

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October 3, 2012
Romney - Every critical issue should have a colored line

(Gibbons, Kansas) Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney continued to reach out to voters in Kansas today, hoping to close the growing public opinion gap with President Obama.

"I'm here because I've heard your requests for more detail about my plans for America's future," Romney told a crowd of several dozen in this community just outside Kansas City.

"My plans are based on the idea that we have to draw a line in front of every issue, assign a color to it, and threaten action if the line is crossed," said Romney.

Romney explained this 'colored line' approach emerged from recent discussions with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, inventor of the red line on Iran. Romney said he coached Netanyahu for the prime minister's subsequent speech to the United Nations -- advice based on his business experience as the former head of Bain Capital.

"I was leafing through the Staples catalog while half-listening to Bibi talking about nuclear Iran, and how we have to draw a red line. And I said 'Bibi, instead of talking about the red line, you could bring it to life using some of these fine products from Staples'," he said.

"That bomb business presentation graphic? It was made in a Staples 'Copy & Print Center.' When he drew that red line on it, it was with an American red marker he bought at Staples," Romney declared.

The audience spontaneously broke out into a chant of 'Sharpie, Sharpie.'

"My whiteboard will delineate every critical issue with a colored line, using mylar tape. Presidential documents will be printed on colored paper, indexed with colored Post-It tabs, and kept in colored folders," Romney said.

Congressman Paul D. Ryan, Romney's vice presidential running mate and designated campaign explainer, said colors are simple and takes much less time to explain to the American people than fully detailed policy descriptions.

"Old-fashioned 'white papers' are boring," Ryan said on the Fox News program Craven Journalism with Fawn Craven.

"Republicans know from the civil rights movement that if you put together all the colors of the rainbow, you get white. Well Mitt Romney is breaking up white papers into colored pages, lines, arrows, and folders. It's just quicker -- I only hope this explanation hasn't taken up too much time," Ryan told Craven.

The new approach was already out in full force at Romney's Kansas City/Gibbons campaign appearance, where all the colors of the rainbow came together in the sea of white faces. "My promise to you is lower minty blue for the job creators to the tune of 12 million goldenrod in my first term."

"I'm telling ya, America's light peach is going to make a comeback under a Mitt Romney presidency," Romney said.

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October 1, 2012
Paul Ryan doesn't have enough time

Script

Paul Ryan: Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, your official Republican nominee for the Vice Presidency.

It's been an amazing month since I was chosen as a candidate to be the most powerful second banana in the world.

Every day I'm out there on the campaign trail, meeting hard-working Americans, and explaining our plans for the country for the next four years.

As you can imagine, I have a lot of explaining to do, as well as re-explaining and re-re-explaining.
+

So when I stop for lunch, it can't be something that takes too much time to prepare. That's why I always choose Top Romney, the instant noodle from the Republican National Committee.

Just put Top Romney in a bowl, pour in water boiled in the cauldron of media attention, and -- Presto! It's ready in just three minutes -- the same amount of time it takes Politico to fact check my claims about President Obama.

Off Camera: Phone call for you, Congressman Ryan. It's Chris Wallace wanting you to explain what you said about tax math.

Paul Ryan: But that was just three minutes ago. [Laughs] Thanks, Top Romney! [Eats spoonful of noodles] Ouch! Hot hot hot...

Announcer: Top Romney. For when you're too busy explaining to make regular instant noodles.

Paul Ryan: Ooh, bananas would be good.

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September 26, 2012
Romney 'heartache' scare caused by fried pork rind shard

(Westerville, Ohio) In another setback for his presidential aspirations, the heartache for jobless Americans Republican nominee Mitt Romney said he experienced today has been explained as a shard of fried pork rind stuck in his throat.

Aides rushed the embattled former Massachusetts governor to the fully equipped sickbay on the Romney campaign bus after an Ohio rally, at which Romney said his "heart aches" for the unemployed.

"It was so out of character for the governor, we thought he ought to be checked out immediately," said campaign spokesman Henry F. Potter.

"Thank goodness for free market health care," Mr. Potter added.

Sure enough, the six-doctor bus medical team traced the esophageal discomfort to a fragment of deep fried pork rind, called chicharron in Latino culture. The doctors softened the fragment with liquids, then released the candidate to continue with his regular schedule -- "provided he takes it easy," said Dr. Frank Burns, MD.

The circumstance under which Romney came to consume fried pork rinds was not disclosed at press time.

In other news, a secret video showing Mitt Romney watching sport on television and eating fried pork rinds has been posted on YouTube. "This just goes to show how much Mitt Romney is like 47 percent of the people," said Henry F. Potter, the Romney campaign spokesman.

Mr. Potter denied the tape had any connection to the earlier 'heartache' scare.

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September 20, 2012
Romney remains optimistic about campaign

"I'll be turning a profit"

(Miami) Mitt Romney said he remains upbeat about his chances to win the White House, despite withering criticism over his statements in a controversial video.

Romney made his comments last night on the Spanish language network Univision, in a live forum hosted by Jorge Ramos and Maria Elena Salinas,

In the video, Romney said 47 percent of Americans support President Obama because they are dependent on government. He went on to say that group see themselves as victims and are not willing to take personal responsibility for their lives.

But last night the embattled Republican nominee sought to to quell the uproar over the video. "I care about all Americans. My campaign is about the 100 percent, if you round up from 53 percent," said Romney.

The former Massachusetts governor also dismissed the importance of the revelation, also on Wednesday, that he had taken out a loan of $20 million to fund his campaign's expenses. He denied it shows his campaign is in need of help, declaring: "I won that loan all by myself."

Romney said the loan was a business decision which improved his campaign's financial position:

"Why campaign with my own money when I can use the bank's? It means I keep everything after the loan is repaid from the contributions by you people. If my projections hold I'll be turning a profit -- win or lose the stupid White House."

Romney added that the range of low interest rates "was an opportunity I couldn't pass up."

"I don't know who creates the conditions for these low rates," said Romney, "but whoever he is, he should be president."

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September 17, 2012
Transvaginal ultrasounds key to Romney immigration fix

Republican nominee for president Mitt Romney is expected to pledge to Latino voters today that if elected he will fix the US immigration system by focusing on an area of great concern to his base -- the anchor baby.

An advisor to the Romney campaign says the new policy will increase immigration quotas -- good news for people trying to enter the US to work, as well as for Americans wishing to gain entry for noncitizen spouses and relatives.

But Romney would get tough on women entering the country for the purpose of having an anchor baby. All immigrant women are to be screened for pregnancy using a transvaginal ultrasound device. "Those with buns in the oven will be denied entrance to the US," explained Governor Tom Corbett of Pennsylvania.

"The ultrasounds are key. Mitt Romney won't accept anchor babies on his watch. He wants Latinos to understand that America welcomes all immigrants, as long as they don't reproduce," said Corbett.

"If there's going to be reproduction going on in America, Mitt Romney firmly believes it should be done only by Americans and legal resident aliens," he said.

"America is the world's number one sex country, it's part of American exceptionalism. We do it the best, and love sex more than any other country. Mitt Romney doesn't apologize for it," Corbett said.

Pennsylvania House Majority Leader Mike Turzai said he is looking forward to Romney's reform plan. "We're going to institute a sex license program in Pennsylvania, which you'll need in order to legally have sex and bear children," said Turzai, of Allegheny County.

"You'll also need a sex license in order to get a valid voter ID, which will help Mitt Romney finally win the White House if he runs again in 2016," Turzai said.

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September 11, 2012
Romney wants unborn to have access to insurance

Stung by another apparent flip-flop, Mitt Romney today announced a position on health insurance coverage he hopes will put the controversy to bed once and for all.

It is an attempt by the Republican presidential nominee to regroup after telling Meet The Press on Sunday that he liked some parts of 'Obamacare,' and would keep parts of it such as elimination of preexisting conditions. Later in the day his campaign backtracked on those statements.
Community Calendar
Today: The George W. Bush Presidential Library will commemorate the 11th anniversay of the 9/11 attacks with a reading of My Pet Goat, read by Pres. Bush.

"Obamacare rewards slackers who play the game of waiting until they're sick to buy insurance. Well Romney don't play that." he said.

Instead, Romney said as president he would push for what he is calling "Coverage For Life Under God," god being a recent Romney theme.

"What I will do is give little unborn babies vouchers to buy private insurance in the womb. That way there won't be any of those Jay Leno-gotcha-situations like 'But Governor Romney, what if someone wants insurance but can't get any?' Babies would be insured from the moment of birth. The moment of conception, even," Romney said.

"Of course, this will mean all pregnant and possibly pregnant women would be required to see an insurance broker, who would perform a transvaginal sales presentation. Assuming a baby really is in residence, he or she would select a plan. This would be lifetime coverage as long as they pay the premiums all their life." he said.

Fellow Republicans moved quickly to endorse Romney's plan. "Coverage For Life Under God is great," Missouri Senate hopeful Todd Akin said, adding that he especially likes the individual coverage mandate on fetuses resulting from rape.

And Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh said any fetus could easily afford premiums by getting a job. "This means there is no good reason to delay buying coverage until after leaving the womb," Walsh said.

ERITAS Archive (9/11/11): Bush to observe 7 minutes of silent indecision

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September 10, 2012
Romney - Repeal 3rd Amendment to support the troops

Responding to more accusations of not sufficiently voicing support for US armed forces, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney went public today with a new proposal to assist veterans and active duty military personnel by repealing the 3rd Amendment to the US Constitution.

Romney's day was all about the troops, who the former Massachusetts governor and businessman has been criticized for forgetting to mention during his convention speech, along with the war in Afghanistan or a specific military policy.

"I love the troops," said Romney, 65, during an appearance at PR Machine Works, a Cleveland, Ohio, area company that makes machines that automatically generate public relations.

"All good Americans love the troops too, and want to help them, and I can't think of a better way to help than to take in our men and women in uniform as guests in your homes," Romney told the PR Machine Works employees, who were given the afternoon off without pay to hear him speak.

"This goes for homeless vets as well," he added. But Romney noted his plan is now unconstitutional under the 3rd Amendment to the Constitution, which specifically bars the quartering of troops in private homes in peacetime.

"The founding fathers loved the troops too, you could say they invented it. But obviously, when they wrote that, they meant foreign troops. Specifically, British ones," Romney explained.

"I don't know about you, but I don't see much likelihood of those fine soldiers of Anglo Saxon heritage ever invading us again," he said.

Romney continued: "I think we all agree that unlike most of the other amendments, the protections of the 3rd Amendment aren't needed anymore. Therefore, when I am president, we'll get rid of that to support the troops."

"Repeal will serve to clarify what the founders meant to say in that otherwise brilliant and probably inspired document," Romney said.

Romney went on to explain his plan will help the Pentagon save money on housing, which can be diverted to buy new, much needed weapons systems.

In addition, guest soldiers and vets would provide a source of income to their host families. "Our soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines would pay rent, of course they would. The Pentagon would give them rental vouchers," Romney said.

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September 7, 2012
GOP proposes Electoral College "mercy rule"

Fresh from the Republican and Democratic convention season, House Republican leaders Thursday night introduced a proposal to prevent running up the score in the Electoral College this November.

Under the proposal, described as "a common-sense housekeeping measure," the tallying stops immediately when the first candidate reaches the required 270 electoral votes.

Gone would be the days of Electoral College landslides such as President Obama (365-173), Bill Clinton in 1992 (370-168) and 1996 (379-159), Ronald Reagan in 1980 (489-49) and 1984 (525-13), and Lyndon Johnson in 1964 (486-52).

"This is about a cherished American tradition -- fairness," said Rep. Frederick Horne Leghorn, the 8-term representative from Mississippi's 5th District.

Leghorn made his comments last night, soon after watching Obama deliver his re-nomination acceptance speech with Speaker Boehner on his flat screen.

"No one likes one team to humiliate the other by winning 50 zillion to 3, or something like that. If the mercy rule is good enough for preschool T-ball, it ought to be good enough for the American two-party system," Leghorn said.

This morning House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi introduced a counter proposal, which she reportedly has based on the organization of European soccer leagues. Any major party garnering less than 40% of the popular vote would be 'sent down' to a Second Division.

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September 4, 2012
Mitt Romney's Day Off

Helps Ryan train for next marathon

Mitt Romney took a break from campaigning yesterday, a rare luxury made possible by a comfortable one percent post-convention bounce in the opinion polls versus President Barack Obama.

The newly minted Republican nominee for president did not relax, however, instead choosing to help running mate Paul D. Ryan train for an upcoming marathon.

"Just because we're competing for the most powerful jobs in the world is no reason to interrupt my obsessive training regimen," Ryan said as he embarked on a 10 mile training run around his neighborhood in Janesville, Wisconsin.

Romney, 65, did not run with the much younger and fitter Ryan, but drove alongside in his 2005 Ford Mustang.

Romney threw peanuts at Ryan and shouted encouragement, including, "Come on lady, pick up the pace," "There are unborn who are faster than you," "Pardon me, but would you have any Grey Poupon?" and "Looks like somebody had thirds at dinner."

Ryan ran on doggedly, responding, "Stop it," "Are not!" "Shut up!"and "I'm not fat, why aren't you more supportive?"

Ryan completed the 10 miles in two hours, "or just under 90 minutes," according to Ryan's timekeeper, Kathy Nickolaus.

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