http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/nxtlevel/blog.html Sunday, 5 Feb 2012 17:20:00 -0800 Super Simple RSS webadmin@kinetic.seattle.wa.us http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog96.html#pipe (Available 2/6 1400 PT) Hello, I'm Newt Gingrich, frontrunner for the Republican Party nomination for President of the United States. I know many of you may be under the impression Mitt Romney is the frontrunner, but under an October 2011 agreement with CNN, I get to lead the race on Mondays and Tuesdays, Rick Santorum leads on Wednesday, and Mitt Romney leads on weekends and Thursday through Friday morning. Ron Paul... Monday, 6 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics campaign jobs republicans keystone xl newt gingrich adulterer food stamps http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog96.html#recession Television networks interrupted regular programming on Friday with news of the death of the Great Bush Recession. The Recession had been under observation at the House Republican Caucus for what was thought to be a lull. But it failed to respond to inertia, succumbing to 243,000 jobs early on Friday morning... Saturday, 4 Feb 2012 10:45:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics economy job creation republicans campaign john boehner eric cantor scott brown mitt romney occupy http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog96.html#kill AVAILABLE at 1400 PT - ...In prepared remarks to a Las Vegas association of family-owned casinos and defense contractors, Romney questioned the President's aggressiveness on fighting terrorism. "Every time I turn on Fox News, I see President Obama killing the Taliban with drone strikes, or sending Navy SEAL teams to kill Osama Bin Laden, or rescuing hostages from pirates,"... Thursday, 2 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans security 2012 campaign mitt romney barack obama http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#flprimary AVAILABLE at 1400 PT - (Westernmost, Florida) Just in time for tomorrow's Sunshine State primary vote comes the quadrennial Republican Deaf Politics Tour through the panhandle. The fun happens tonight at 8 pm at Westernmost's Comcast MetLife Home Depot Staples Arena. This year four comedians are featured in the highly anticipated laughfest, with routines that have become recognizable on Fox News, CNN, and other comedy channels... Monday, 30 Jan 2012 16:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 campaign florida primary mitt romney newt gingrich rick santorum ron paul reince priebus http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#fair AVAILABLE at 1400 PT - ..."I support the President's goal of making government leaner, if that means smaller," said House Speaker John Boehner, who in turn issued his own challenge to the White House. "Most of what government is are laws. If we get rid of the securities laws strangling our financial sector, we reduce the size of government and, by definition, we end Wall Street crime. No more economic unfairness"... Wednesday, 25 Jan 2012 16:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans state of the union occupy mitt romney john boehner florida newt gingrich http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#stiff AVAILABLE at 1600 PT - (Tampa) Mitt Romney picked up a key endorsement today, as he took his struggling campaign into Florida ahead of that state's January 31 Republican primary. The Romney campaign came to Tampa intent on shaking off Saturday's loss to former House Speaker Newt Gingrich in the South Carolina GOP primary. The former Massachusetts governor used an appearance at a roundtable here to announce picking up the endorsement of Victoria Secretti, a figure in the inanimate object community... Monday, 23 Jan 2012 16:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans presidency mitt romney south carolina rick perry florida newt gingrich corporate personhood http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#markets (Available 1/19, 1400PT) ..."We talk of how much we value peace, but no one really knows what the value of peace is," said Romney. "I will find out, by negotiating with other countries in one-to-one, free market-style transactions -- because markets work, my friends"... Thursday, 19 Jan 2012 14:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans presidency military industrial complex mitt romney south carolina rick perry turkey http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#clown (Available 1/17, 1400PT) A California judge threw out Ben Stein's lawsuit against Kyocera Corp. and an advertising agency today, only a week after America's clown economist went to court... Tuesday, 17 Jan 2012 14:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire torts environment climate change deniers ben stein whining baby kyocera http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#ideaman (Greenville, SC) Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich yesterday urged Americans not to worry about planned cutbacks at the US Postal Service. "The postal service is, frankly, an example of the type of big government we don't need anymore," Gingrich, the former House Speaker, said in a Sunday address to the First Ultrabaptist Megachurch of Superchrist in Greenville... Monday, 16 Jan 2012 14:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics economics privatization us postal service 2012 election republicans newt gingrich equality fun with acronyms http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#christie (Available 1/10, 0900 PT) Earth came perilously close to realizing the Mayan prediction of the end of the world, a leading astronomer said today... During a January 8 campaign appearance in Exeter, New Hampshire, by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie on behalf of Mitt Romney, Prof. Parsec detected another massive object nearby. Employing a technique that analyzes the curvature of light around large bodies, he identified the object as Newt Gingrich, a Romney rival for the Republican nomination.... Monday, 10 Jan 2012 09:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics 2012 election republicans chris christie newt gingrich http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#hotline (Available 1/9, Noon PT) The White House paused briefly last Wednesday as the Moscow-Washington Hotline -- also known as the Red Phone -- was retired. President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton looked on as Air Force technicians unplugged the Red Phone, a vestige of the 20th century Cold War, from its place next to the President's desk in the Oval Office and replaced in its original carton... Monday, 9 Jan 2012 09:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics environment 2012 election barack obama negotiating style american petroleum institute keystone xl national defense authorization act http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog95.html#reichert (Available 1/4, 9 am) If you go down to the woods today you may be surprised to encounter people searching for a legendary Northwest creature -- the fabled Reichert. Washington's new congressional redistricting plan, issued January 1, is responsible for the increased scientific activity... Wednesday, 4 Jan 2012 09:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics washington 8th congressional district redistricting dave reichert mia http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog94.html#onex (Available 12/15, Noon) Chicago-based Boeing reached agreement today with the International Elf Machinists Union on a new labor contract. The agreement clears the way for construction of the new Elf Force One at the North Pole... HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Thursday, 15 Dec 2011 12:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire economy organized labor nlrb christmas washington boeing renton south carolina dreamliner http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog94.html#fruitcake (Available 12/13, Noon) The Elf Coast Guard has called off this morning's half-hour search for members of Westboro Baptist Church. Lt. Matt Swashbuckle said a rescue sleigh went to the party's last known coordinates 480 miles north of Point Barrow, but only found stenciled placards... Tuesday, 13 Dec 2011 12:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire christmas lgbt westboro fundamentalism rights republicans immigration http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog94.html#tsa Toys, cologne and socks are again rolling off North Pole assembly lines Sunday afternoon, after plants One, Two, Five, Nine, 12, 15, 16, 18, 19, 21, and 23 were idled for hours by more reports of unattended packages. All cases were determined to be false alarms. Angelina Claus has been North Pole First Lady for 373 years, and Chief Financial Officer of the North Pole holding company Northex since 1957... Sunday, 11 Dec 2011 15:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire christmas war on terror tsa rights hypervigilance luke russert http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog94.html#naughty Newt Gingrich surprised no one today with the announcement that he will not be participating in the December 26 Boxing Day debate, to be moderated by Santa Claus. The current Republican frontrunner said he instead plans to attend a New York City campaign breakfast being hosted by Tiffany & Company. "I don't see why I should submit to a grilling by Santa, when his Naughty List has a liberal bias," said Gingrich... Wednesday, 7 Dec 2011 21:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics environment christmas ethics newt gingrich republicans 2012 nomination michele bachmann http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog94.html#tree Congresswoman Michele Bachmann continued her quest for the Republican presidential nomination today, stepping up her criticism of 'Obamatree' -- the new National Christmas Tree unveiled Thursday evening by President Obama... Sunday, 4 Dec 2011 16:45:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics environment christmas energy republicans 2012 nomination michele bachmann light bulbs http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog94.html#occupy (Available 12:02pm, 12/2) North Pole authorities are promising a full review today, barely 24 hours after the world was shocked by photographs and smartphone video of North Pole City Elf Squad officers using peppermint spray on peaceful Occupy North Pole protesters. "I'm as shocked as all of you, there will be a swift investigation," promised Prime Minister Winston Goldbuckle... Friday, 2 Dec 2011 12:02:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics christmas occupy occupy wall street new york uc davis michael bloomberg liberty plaza first amendment police brutality pepper spray john pike http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog93.html#1300 (Available noon, 11/28) Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's latest book, No Apology, has been named the first winner of a prestigious new literature award. The coincidentally-named 'Golden Mitt' award recognizes outstanding works of fantasy... Monday, 28 Nov 2011 12:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 nomination mitt romney flip flops http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog93.html#turkey (Annual Turkey-based post) We, the current candidates for the 2012 Republican nomination for President of the United States and Gary Johnson, are setting aside our fierce competition this week in the spirit of Thanksgiving... Monday, 21 Nov 2011 10:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans thanksgiving occupy 99 Percent One Percent pepper spray Koch brothers http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog93.html#scalia (Available Nov. 17, 0900 PT) With so much riding on the upcoming U.S. Supreme Court review of the Affordable Care Act, Republicans say they want to take steps to ensure the final vote is accurate. "Lots of people are worried that noncitizens, illegal immigrants, convicted felons, dead people, and even liberals could illegally vote on Supreme Court decisions," House Speaker John Boehner said today... Thursday, 17 Nov 2011 09:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics judiciary supreme court affordable care act ethics antonin scalia clarence thomas john boehner http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog93.html#suckittim (Available Nov. 14, 0900 PT) Washington ballot measure guru Tim Eyman agreed today to suck it. It was the conservative activist's first public comments since last Tuesday's rejection of Initiative 1125, the transportation initiative also known as the 'All Roads Lead to Bellevue Square' measure... Monday, 14 Nov 2011 09:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics washington budget i-1125 tim eyman kemper freeman http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog93.html#breakfast Saying Washington state government can do everything with less, Republican gubernatorial candidate Rob McKenna today highlighted budget cuts as the key to improving education when he is governor. "Ronald Reagan's dream was Voodoo Economics -- cutting taxes and increasing spending. Three decades later we have a chance to try out this theory on the education of children whose parents can't afford private school tuition"... Tuesday, 8 Nov 2011 12:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics washington environment education republicans governor rob mckenna jay inslee http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog93.html#i1125 (Available Nov 7, 0800PT) Hello, we are Kemper Freeman and Tim Eyman, urging you to protect the environment of King County's Eastside by voting yes on Initiative 1125. The Eastside is a special place. Each day we enjoy the pristine asphalt of its thousands of acres of parking facilities, dozens of refueling pocket parks, and hundreds of miles of roads and streets teeming with magnificent herds of Rams, Broncos, Impalas, and more... Monday, 7 Nov 2011 08:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics environment urban washington I-1125 transportation transit tim eyman kemper freeman light rail bellevue