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Sept. 2011

2 Marcus Bachmann interviewed
6 Poll- Rick Perry the candidate most Republicans want to kick a homeless man to death with
8 Big jobs speech almost cancelled by Packers-Saints viewing party
10 Bush to observe 7 minutes of silent indecision
13 Wisconsin boy finds free Voter ID for his grandfather
15 Perry wins warlock straw poll
20 Activists in favor of Don't Ask Don't Tell switch to hunting actual witches
22 Gingrich to start families in early primary states
28 Boeing moving Everett to South Carolina

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September 28, 2011
Boeing moving Everett to South Carolina

Still flying high following Monday's delivery of its first 787 Dreamliner, Chicago-based Boeing Company today announced plans to move the entire city of Everett, Washington to South Carolina.

The aircraft giant's Everett production facility includes the world's largest building at 98.3 acres. Adjacent to the plant is a three-runway airport and Everett itself, a city of 103,000 perhaps best known for the mouth of the Snohomish River, a picturesque wastewater biosolids settling lagoon, and Comcast Arena, a 10,000-seat multi-purpose arts and exhibition center.

The Boeing relocation plan involves design and manufacture of a huge fleet of enormous flatbed landcrawlers which would transport the entire built environment of Everett 2,400 miles to the east, to a site in the Marion National Forest near Jamestown, South Carolina.

The Everett facility's new location will be only 23 miles from the second Dreamliner production line in North Charleston.

"The landcrawler development program means thousands of good jobs for Everett, until we move them to Everett," said Boeing spokesman Matthew B. Altman. Washington's climate is to blame for repeated problems in the 787 program, according to Altman, which added three years to the airplane's development.

"Union organizing is in the drinking water or something," said Altman, "or maybe it falls from the skies, did you see the rain gauges on Monday?"

In addition, the Chicago headquarters has difficulty retaining executives, Altman said, "because there's not much for Chicago headquarters bigwigs to do when they visit Everett."

"Sure, Charlie Sheen's national lecture tour stopped at Comcast Arena, but apart from that and Scuttlebutt Brewing, it's slim pickings. So that's it, we're moving the whole shebang to the south," he said.

"It's a real win-win for Boeing," Altman explained, "because we get to take our existing skilled workforce to a non-union state, and the weather is a lot better. Sure, relocating a whole city is expensive. Yeah, it's risky. But who cares if it endangers shareholder returns, so long as we screw the Machinists once and for all," Altman said.

Snohomish County Councilman John Koster (R) is excited about the pending move. "Everett is the sixth largest city in Washington by population, but in South Carolina we'll be number three -- a big step up," said Koster.

Koster is already starting preparations for the big move, drafting legislation directing the public works department to source 50 tons of styrofoam peanuts and 65 tons of bubblewrap, "because this community has a lot of packing to do."

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September 22, 2011
Gingrich to start families in early primary states

Hopes to go national, most territories

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich on Thursday made Iowa the first stop in an ambitious campaign tour aimed at building support in early primary states.

"I'm going to build my base here by wooing and winning a healthy corn-fed Iowa gal, with the emphasis on healthy," the Republican presidential hopeful told the editorial board of the Des Moines Dating Singles Weekly.

"By starting a family in the state, I'll be able to show I'll take care of Iowa when I'm in the White House, because I'm an Iowan."

"After Iowa, I intend to start a family in New Hampshire, and then South Carolina, and then Michigan. And so on, until I have a home field advantage in all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Samoa and the Marianas, and of course the US Virgin Islands."

Gingrich went on to say he would pump campaign money into the Iowa economy by buying a full-page Man Seeking Woman ad in the Weekly.

"Insatiable"

"This is an audacious move playing into Gingrich's biggest strength -- his roving eye," said Gingrich confidante Phil Landers.

"An insatiable horndog is always on the lookout for possibilities, weighing the odds, juggling a busy schedule, remembering anniversaries. These are the same skills we look for in a president," Landers said.

Washington, DC is notable for not being on Gingrich's courting itinerary. Gingrich explained that he puts the nation's capital "in a different class, like a very special lady you don't want having representation in Congress."

"Such a special district calls for a special woman. Who that will be is a decision I'll make when choosing my running mate -- if you know what I mean," he said.

"Ask not..."
Campaign Calendar
The Gingrich campaign is holding a speed dating event, Saturday at the El Bait Shop, 200 SW 2nd Street, Des Moines

Gingrich ended the day in eastern Iowa, during an invitation-only event at the Lincoln Wine Bar in Mount Vernon, outside Cedar Rapids.

Speaking to an audience of 18-34 year old women, the former Georgia congressman spoke about his free market solutions on a host of issues.

"Get together with me to create a future built on liberty. So ask not what you can do for America, but what Newt Gingrich can do to you," Gingrich said.

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September 20, 2011
Activists in favor of Don't Ask Don't Tell switch to hunting actual witches

Civil rights activists today are celebrating the expiration of the Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) policy against homosexuals serving openly in the U.S. armed forces. President Obama approved lifting the ban last December, and it became official Tuesday at one minute after midnight.

DADT allowed gays and lesbians to serve as long as they did not disclose their sexual orientation -- a paradox that some say encouraged a witchhunt atmosphere. The policy saw 13,000 service members expelled from the military since its 1993 adoption.

Those who argued for keeping DADT are not dwelling on the end of the controversial ban. Although disappointed, the network of conservative troop supporters is switching their focus to rooting out a more traditional threat to traditional values.

"Yesterday we were watching someone on CNN calling DADT a witch hunt, and I thought, hey -- what ABOUT witches? The other guys agreed we need to take action," said Gladys Kravitz of Westport, Connecticut.

Kravitz, 56, is a homemaker, part-time real estate appraiser, block watch captain, Tea Party organizer, and recording secretary for the Easton, Norwalk & Danbury Organization of Realty Appraisers (ENDORA). Although not a veteran, "My husband Abner spent a few weeks in ROTC before deciding he had other things to do and dropped out," she noted.

Kravitz sees witches as a great threat to readiness of the armed forces because nothing is known about their activities. "No one has ever gone looking for them inside the Defense Department, so there could be a huge number of covens there," Kravitz said.

"I just want to support our troops," explained Kravitz. "They shouldn't have to wonder if the person they are showering with secretly wants to turn them into a newt," she said.

Kravitz went on to say the prime hiding places for covens are believed to be the Navy and Coast Guard. "The ocean is perfect hiding place because as everyone knows, witches float," she said.

Dr. Joe McCarthy, senior phantom menace analyst at the American Enterprise Institute, agrees a military witchhunt is needed. "Witchcraft inside our most cherished institutions is a clear and present danger. In fact, in my pocket I have a list of names of 205 witches known to the Secretary of Defense," McCarthy said.

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September 15, 2011
Perry wins warlock straw poll

Major disappointment for O'Donnell

Rick Perry's campaign for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination rolled on today, buoyed by the results of the Salem, Massachusetts Warlock Straw Poll.

The Texas governor received 666 (34%) of votes cast. Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann was close behind with 626 (32% votes, while Mitt Romney trailed badly in third place with 206 votes.

The leading campaigns were quick to spin the results to their advantage. "Perry's attacks on Barack Hussein Obama have been the most satanic," said Perry spokesman Randall 'Tex' Arkana.

John S. Salk of the Bachmann organization observed that Perry and Bachmann together accounted for 66.6% of the vote -- a number that would make for an extremely satanic ticket. A Romney campaign consultant said the former Massachusetts governor is still formulating an evil policy proposal, but wants warlocks to know his focus will be on tax cuts for spell creators.

The outcome proved to be a big blow to the aspirations of potential candidate Christine O'Donnell of Delaware. The unsuccessful 2010 US Senate candidate has been quietly floating a presidential bid and has been testing the waters at book signings. She was thought to have been a lock for the warlock vote, according to pollster Stan Dardeviasian.

"The O'Donnell TV spot by Darren Stevens of McMahon|Tate -- attacking Bachmann and Perry as werewolves in goats' clothing -- backfired badly," said Dardeviasian.

If O'Donnell enters the fray Dardevisian doesn't her surviving to see Super Tuesday. "Warlocks simply see O'Donnell more in the role of a virgin sacrifice than a nominee," he said.

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September 13, 2011
Video- Wisconsin boy finds free Voter ID for his grandfather



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September 10, 2011
9/11 anniversary

Bush to observe 7 minutes of silent indecision

Former President George W. Bush has announced plans to lead seven minutes of silence tomorrow, the 10th anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center.
+
The temporary Bush Library
A former Borders in Dallas.

+
Realistic
Former Bush staff chief Andrew Card, visiting the Bush Library's 9/11 exhibit, speaks to wax figure of the former president.

Bush will recreate the seven minutes he sat in a Florida elementary school classroom after being informed by chief of staff Andrew Card, "America is under attack." The classroom has been meticulously recreated in the Bush Presidential Library's temporary location, a former Borders bookstore in Dallas. It is so accurate, Card mistook a seated wax statue for Bush.

Ten years ago, Bush spent the seven minutes reading to children from the book My Pet Goat, a move the 43rd president continues to defend.

"It was the right indecision then, and I stand by that indecision now," said the former president.

"The goal of terrorists is to disrupt our way of life, and I was determined not to give the terrorists the satisfaction of seeing me stop reading," said Bush.

"So on the 10th anniversary of September 11th, I hope all Americans will stop what they are doing and join me in seven minutes of sober reflection, and I do mean sober," he said.

Bush is also hoping to find some personal closure: "Although I didn't stop reading My Pet Goat immediately, I couldn't finish it in only seven minutes."

"And for the last 10 years I haven't picked it up again, in deference to the memory of the victims of September the 11th. Thus, one of the things I want to do tomorrow is defy the terrorists again -- in other words, be defiant -- by finally finishing the remaining pages of My Pet Goat in only seven minutes, showing the terrorists that reading is fundamental."

However, this time Bush said he will not be reading aloud. "It's seven minutes of silence, so I'll be reading to myself. In other words, in my mind," said Bush.

"Although you'll probably see my lips move."

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September 8, 2011
Big jobs speech almost cancelled by Packers-Saints viewing party

President Obama's speech tonight to a joint session of Congress nearly didn't happen.

According to Congressional sources, Speaker Boehner arrived 15 minutes before Senators, Representatives and other dignitaries were to arrive for Obama's much anticipated jobs speech, to discover the chamber was already being used for a Packers-Saints viewing party being hosted by Packers fan Paul Ryan, the House GOP's budget writer.

A statement by Boehner's press office said Ryan's event was moved to a committee room just as the President's audience began to arrive, calling the incident "a minor scheduling mixup."

"It was the White House's fault for not giving us at least 6 months notice," said Boehner spokeswoman Paula R. Flack. But a Senate Democratic staffer who attended Ryan's party called the incident a near-disaster.

"Boehner didn't say anything when he first came into the chamber," said the staffer, who requested anonymity.

"What he did was help himself to a Leinenkugel and some nachos. Then after a few minutes he bought a square in the pool, then asked Vitter when the girls were arriving," the staffer said.

"Finally, the Speaker checked his watch and said something like, 'you guys might want to check your Google Calendars.'"

A staffer with access to the office of Rep. Eric Cantor confirmed the events: "When the Doorkeeper announced, 'Mr Speaker, the President of the United States,' Boehner ordered the Sergeant At Arms to turn off the lights. He said, 'Sssh, if we're quiet maybe he'll think we're not here,' and ducked behind his Speaker's chair."

Luckily, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid saw Boehner through the curtains, and pounded on the front door, an incident captured by CSPAN cameras. "Oh come ON! I see you John, I can see you right there," Reid can be seen saying.

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September 6, 2011
Poll- Rick Perry the candidate most Republicans want to kick a homeless man to death with

Texas Gov. Rick Perry leads the Republican pack in yet another poll of likely primary and caucus voters.

The poll by Stan Dardeviasian Opinion Research shows Perry to be the choice of 32% of GOP voters on the question, "Which Republican candidate would you want to have a beer with, and then kick a homeless man to death together?"

"Perry did well on the question due to his record in Texas of executing juveniles and mentally disabled," said Dardeviasian.

Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was preferred by 27% because her high heels look capable of inflicting serious injury.

Mitt Romney finished a surprising third with 18%, after hinting on Labor Day he would consider allowing corporations to more quickly depreciate the value of limousines that run down union strikers.

Ron Paul's old racist newsletters were enough to earn him the fourth spot at 9%.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin fared even worse in fifth place, with only 6%. Commented Dardeviasian: "Most Republicans doubt she could strike a first blow, saying she seemed like the type who would join in later, and also wouldn't stick around to finish off the victim."

And Rick Santorum brought up the rear: "Respondents tended to look away uncomfortably whenever Santorum's name was mentioned."

"The results show Perry's brand of senseless, hypocritical anti-federal government rhetoric is resonating with the hardcore psychotic Republican base," said Dardeviasian.

"It will be interesting to see how long he can maintain this level of stupidity, or whether Bachmann's exciting brand of clinical insanity will enable her to close the gap," he said.

In a separate question, a full three fourths of GOP voters polled named Herman Cain the candidate they would most likely cross the street to avoid in the middle of the night.

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September 2, 2011
Marcus Bachmann interviewed

"Marriage is like a Broadway show"

Seeking to explain Michele Bachmann's statement that wives should be submissive to their husbands, the husband of the Republican presidential hopeful has commented publicly for the first time about their marriage and their views on the traditional roles of married couples.

A preview of Marcus Bachmann's remarks was made available by Wholly Holy! (“The magazine for the fabulous Christian male™”), which is publishing the full interview in its September issue.

Mr. Bachmann expanded on his wife's controversial statement, made during last month's Iowa GOP debate, and her clarification that submissive does not mean subservient.

"Husbands and wives are partners, but there must be a leader in order to avoid anarchy. In that respect, a marriage is like a Broadway show," said Mr. Bachmann.

"You'd never say the actors are subservient to the director," he said, "but at the same time, the director provides the overall vision."

He went on to say the Bachmann household possesses the same dynamics. "Michele and I are like an experienced theater company. She's the star, the writer, the financier, and she's the makeup artist gluing on beards and such. She does it all, just like -- dare I say it -- like Miss Barbra Streisand."

"So she's hardly submissive," Bachmann declared, adding that while he interprets the Bible as saying the husband should be the director, he also takes on other duties as well.

"I prefer to think of myself more as a choreographer than a director. I guess you could say I wear the dance belt in this marriage," Bachmann said.

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