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←Summer 2012→
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August 31, 2012
Romney to release tax returns as a series of expensive coffee table books Mitt Romney has bowed to demands that he disclose additional years of his income taxes. Returns for the ten years 1999-2008 will be published by Architectural Digest as a series of expensive coffee table books, the campaign announced today. The first volume, "2004," will go on sale on the Romney campaign website this weekend. The series will be released weekly over the next 10 weeks. Romney publicist Paul R. Flack said the conclusion of the Republican National Convention is the perfect time to release the information. "The recent buildup of goodwill, starting with the selection of Paul Ryan as running mate and ending with Clint Eastwood's triumphant chair speech, makes this the right moment to slip something past everyone." The design of the book reflects the Republican nominee's personal and professional story.
Each volume will retail for $2,012.999. "It's not cheap, but remember that Mitt Romney has been unemployed since leaving the Massachusetts governor's mansion," Flack said. Prominent book critic Cherie Clark called the coffee table book format a brilliant choice. "If there is anything embarrassing in Mitt Romney's tax returns, this is the way to make sure no one notices," said Clark. "Coffee table books get ignored and no one ever looks inside, they just lie around looking shiny. They eventually get put up on a shelf when relatives come for Thanksgiving, then consigned to a box in the attic," she said. Clark also said the high price was chosen deliberately to stymie liberal online media. "Certainly Arianna Huffington will never buy one for her bloggers." Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
August 24, 2012 Romney energy plan could include tankers with big batteries A message from Mitt Hello, all you poor bastards buying petrol at the filling station! I'm Mitt Romney, and you know what? I see a sunny future for American energy. I've been studying our history where energy is concerned. And after cramming every night, I have reached some conclusions. What I've learned from history is that Americans want energy that burns, radiates, or collects behind dams. Oil, coal and gas burn, uranium radiates, and water can be gathered by dams. Wind doesn't do any of these things, so wind is out. Wind is what comes out of a dog's butt. Wind is socialist, my friend. Wind, you might say, blows. By contrast, the sun burns, it's already burning. But how do we get it? We should do solar power the American way, not the European way or the Arab way. 'New technology'? 'Infrastructure investment'? 'Smart grid'? Those are for sissy countries. I cut the hair of those nerd countries. That's why when I'm president we will invade those countries and take their solar energy for ourselves. It entails a simple three-part strategy:
So it's that simple. My solar energy plan bears all the cherished American hallmarks: a strong military, making new foreign friends, and unfettered capitalism. The only thing it doesn't have is pollution. But I'm sure the poindexters can figure out a way to make polluting solar panels. Hey, that was pretty good. You were right guys, that joke killed. I'm Mitt Romney, and I'll bet you $10,000 the future is in the sun. Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
August 20, 2012 CBN sorry for false Rapture alert The Christian Broadcasting Network is apologizing today for erroneously alerting viewers to the start of the Rapture, or return of Jesus. In the August 18 incident, the automated message "LAND-O'-GOSHEN -- IT'S THE RAPTURE, FOLKS!!!" scrolled across the bottom of CBN programming for 40 minutes before being noticed. A CBN spokesman said the error resulted from a mistake in the network's control room. "The Rapture button is right between the buttons for Queer Uprising and Socialist Takeover, so you can see how easily a mistake could be made," said CBN's Paul R. Flack. The mistake proved especially embarrassing for one group of CBN watchers. Republican congressmen on a fact-finding trip to the Holy Land became so, well, enraptured at the apparent return of the Messiah that they began stripping off their clothes, to better prepare for being taken up to heaven. The US ambassador was summoned to Jerusalem to answer for complaints about naked congressmen running on a beach next to the Sea of Galilee, flapping their arms and trying to jump into the air. "I am so, so sorry," said one of the nude lawmakers, Rep. Kevin Yoder (R-Kansas), who ended up in the water. "I'm sorry. That I didn't check some other news sources like Drudge and Free Republic before going off half-cocked," a red-faced Yoder said. The cold Galilee water was solely responsible for the half-cocked part, Yoder hastened to add. Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
August 15, 2012 Ryan - Mayo jar is "ultimate private savings account" Rep. Paul Ryan appeared on Fox News on Tuesday seeking to calm fears his budget ideas would cripple Medicare. The Republican VP nominee-designate told Craven Journalism host Fawn Craven that his reform of the national senior citizen health plan is built on a familiar item -- the humble mayonnaise jar. "The mayonnaise jar is the safest place for financing senior health care, much better than any big government trust fund or lock box," said Ryan, a seven term congressman from Wisconsin. Ryan called mayonnaise jars "the ultimate private savings accounts."
Craven challenged Ryan to compare mayo jars to the alternatives, asking "Why Mayocare? Why not a cigar box or old knee sock?" "Look, the mayonnaise jar is just a metaphor," Ryan explained. "It represents any nongovernmental container found in the American home." Ryan went on to say Mayocare would control costs because corporations would sponsor treatment of diseases. "Imagine McDonalds sponsoring 'Big Macular Degeneration'. The possibilities of the free market are endless," he said. Later in the day Mitt Romney did his best to boost his running mate's plan. At a delicatessen in Chillicothe, Ohio, Romney became fascinated with a jar of Hellman's he spotted at the sandwich station. "I have no idea what this is because my sandwiches come from Cook or Butler. But it looks like it could hold someone's nest egg quite easily. In fact the label says it's made with real eggs," Romney said. A poll taken Tuesday night by Stan Dardeviasian Opinion Research showed an uptick in support for the Romney-Ryan ticket in Minnesota, home of the world famous Real Mayo Clinic. In a related story, Mitt Romney picked up the endorsement of Keebler Bakeries, which has plans to convert hollow trees into banks. Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
August 13, 2012 Media missed embarrassing banner Typo or amnesia?
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August 5, 2012 FOX-backed rover nears "probably red planet" Another American spacecraft is in position to land on Mars. The O'Reilly Rovor, financially backed by the FOX News Channel, is expected to touch down early Monday, shortly after the landing of US taxpayer-funded Curiosity. The O'Reilly Rovor motto is Falafela -- "Latin for to seek truth," according to Tobor Frandle, FOX's launch director, speaking from mission control at Christian Broadcasting Network studios in Virginia Beach, Virginia. "Although maybe it should be 'we report back telemetry, you decide,' because that's really what this is all about," said Frandle. "The mission of The O'Reilly Rovor is to gather a second set of facts about Mars," he explained. "All of these decades of Mars so-called exploration, we've only been getting one set of facts about Mars, -- the federal, big government side." "With The O'Reilly Rovor, for the first time we'll have the other side of the story of the probably red planet, if you believe JPL," Frandle continued. "Why is Mars called the red planet anyway? JPL says it's the color of the soil -- but some say it's due to Communism. We're going to find out," he said. "And I stress probably, because the other, other unofficial mission motto is 'you can't believe your own eyes'," Frandle said. A fact sheet on The O'Reilly Rovor reads: "The FOX rover is about the size of the Oldsmobile sedan the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy drove in the 1969 Chappaquiddick accident that took the life of Mary Jo Kopechne. The two ton 'The O'Reilly Rovor' is powered by a copy of the Iranian nuclear reactor. However the chassis, axles and body panels are made from sustainably grown wood, in keeping with Fox News Channel's green business practices policy." Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
July 30, 2012 Group wants public to exercise right to bear bombs A 2nd amendment group is advocating the wider exercise of the right to bear arms, as a way to empower Americans concerned about personal security in the wake of the Aurora, Colorado movie theater massacre. James Holmes, 24, has been charged in the July 20 shootings. "What we have today is an arms race, between the people who kill people and the people who don't," said Thomas N. Terwilliger, spokesman for Citizens Armed & Bearing Ordnance Or Munitions (CABOOM). "CABOOM believes the people who don't kill need to stop ignoring the arms race. Peace loving Americans need to be better prepared to kill the people who kill people," said Terwilliger. "Holmes could have been stopped if others in the theater had been armed with bombs or mines or hand grenades, which would have rendered his body armor ineffective," he said. Gun control groups have called CABOOM's advocacy of a more powerfully armed populace a dangerous escalation the Founders never envisioned, a characterization Terwilliger rejects. "Of course the founding fathers saw this coming, where do you think 'the bombs bursting in air' came from?" he declared, cradling a Russian-made hand grenade. "The explosives control extremists can have my grenade when they pry it from my cold dead hand, and pry the pin from my other cold dead hand in order to put it back in the grenade," Terwilliger said. In a related story, the National Rifle Association has issued a statement reiterating opposition to new laws that might limit magazine capacities or restrict ammunition sales. "Most people have bad aim," according to the statement. Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
July 26, 2012 Romney staff shakeup After being repeatedly embarassed by missteps at public appearances, projected Republican nominee for the White House Mitt Romney today replaced all six of his campaign's schedulers. A source traveling with the Romney campaign in London on the candidate's foreign policy tour said the move was made to gain more variety in public appearances. "Those knuckleheads seemed to schedule me in only two kinds of places -- businesses I helped loot, and mom & pop food places," the source said on condition of anonymity. The source went on to add, "I like a good pastisserie as much as the next chap, but I've gained 20 pounds from all the pie shops, 7-11 bakeries and greasy spoons I've been visiting." "I -- I mean Mitt Romney -- can't very well call for government belt tightening if all the while I'm ballooning to Chris Christie proportions," he said. "Hopefully, these new schedulers will do a better job for m- him." Romney's new chief scheduler Dean N. DeLuca said that when the campaign visits cafes and bakeries in the future, they will be high-profile corporate food brands that are also major American job creators. "We think Gov. Romney should only be eating at the quintessential all-American restaurant -- McDonald's," said DeLuca. "What's more, this will happen in conjunction with something we're calling the Mitt Romney Patriot Diet, by which the governor will lose 30-40 pounds," DeLuca continued. "By achieving such weight loss with McDonald's, Mitt Romney will show how America's corporate food, created by good old fashioned mass-production, is the healthiest in the world." But he won't be having the French fries. "The governor considers French fries to be extraordinarily foreign," DeLuca said. Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
= strtotime('July 23 2012 11:00:00')) { ?> July 23, 2012 'Real American' Sununu on Romney's VP list Former New Hampshire Governor John Sununu, the Mitt Romney campaign surrogate who last week said he wished President Obama "would learn how to be an American," is on Romney's short list for vice presidential running mate. "What Americans want on the ticket is a real American, and Gov. Sununu has that in spades -- and I swear I don't mean anything racial by that," Romney exclusively told Eritas. The still-likely Republican nominee said he has even had his official court composer develop a musical jingle for Sununu. Listen: Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
July 13, 2012 Romney - Offshore bank accounts are patriotic "I'm spreading American economic imperialism overseas" Mitt Romney went on the offensive today to counter political fallout over his personal finances, including negative public reaction to his foreign bank accounts. "I have my money in foreign banks because it's patriotic. I'm spreading American economic imperialism overseas," Romney said in an exclusive interview on the Fox News program Fox Five. The projected Republican nominee for president said he has learned from his financial blind trust that, in fact, he now owns major portions of many countries, including Italy, Greece, Spain and Portugal. In addition, it was revealed that there is $100 million in the former Massachusetts governor's IRA (Independent Republic of Albania). "I've done very well, I could buy and sell each one of you. In fact, in the case of two of you, I already have," Romney told the co-hosts. "Barack Obama is going around the world apologizing instead of taking over. But I have gotten a head start on my presidency by using my own money to take over other countries," said Romney. "In fact, I have controlling interests in 47 nations, giving me more overseas territories than the US government," he added. "This is an example of what the private sector can accomplish in a Romney administration, when people like me will take back America. And by that I mean buy it," Romney said. Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
July 9, 2012 Romney sees hope in new poll "Only One Percent say they're better off than 4 years ago" Projected Republican nominee for president Mitt Romney is finding encouragement in a new poll. The poll released Sunday by Stan Dardeviasian Opinion Research found that only one percent of Americans say they are better off today than four years ago. "I say to the rest of you -- I'm the candidate of you, the 99 percent who don't think you are better off," said Romney, the former Massachusetts governor. His comments came Sunday evening, as Romney was about to attend a $50,000 a plate fundraising dinner on New York's Long Island. His meal was comped, a campaign spokesperson said. Romney, 65, touted his outsider credentials: "I've only won one of my campaigns for political office, whereas Barack Obama has won all of his." "And I understand what it's like to have to work at more than one job to make ends meet. Why, sometimes I'm on three or four company boards at the same time," he said. Romney said he was astounded by the poll. "If only one percent are doing well, it means Barack Obama hasn't given his predecessor's tax cuts enough more time to create jobs." The former co-founder of Bain Capital returned to his theme of his business experience. "I can show you how to invest your trust fund, take over other businesses, borrow against acquisitions, offshore jobs, manipulate stock offerings, hide your money in overseas banks, take borderline tax deductions -- everything you need to know to become prosperous in a Mitt Romney America." Romney said he had yet to meet and speak with members of the 99 percent, "but I expect they are quite busy -- collecting food stamps, worshipping god, or making sandwiches, bakery goods and such." Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
July 6, 2012 Romney would cut taxes of health creators "Quality health with attractive financing" Mitt Romney continued his attack on President Obama's health reform today, with the projected GOP nominee maintaining his campaign theme that the the best route for reforming health is the private sector. "President Obama doesn't have my private sector business experience, so he doesn't believe as I do that you have to cut the taxes of the health creators," Romney said to a gathering of campaign investors in Aetna, Connecticut. Romney pledged to use his decades of experience avoiding taxes to ease the burden on health creators. "I'll make sure tax cuts are put to work creating good-paying, private sector health that will trickle down on the American people." The former Massachusetts governor, citing his experience growing companies like Boston Erectile Dysfunction Group, explained how pharmaceutical, hospital, insurance, and medical services companies need the certainty that only cutting taxes can provide. "Health creators won't create health if taxes threaten the size of their bonuses, premium hikes and profit margins," warned Romney. "If you just trust me, tax cuts will create health the same way tax cuts create jobs, and soon we'll all have quality health with attractive financing." Romney also said free market competition would render President Obama's hoped-for expansion of Medicaid by the states unnecessary. "I'm not concerned about the very poor being able to afford health. If they need a health mortgage they can borrow money for the downpayment from their parents," Romney said. Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT
July 2, 2012 Vancouver, WA welcomes 'Obamacare refugees' who think they are in Canada The welcome mat is out in Vancouver, Washington today, as the city finds its population swelled by Republicans who think they have fled to Canada. To a person the so-called 'Obamacare refugees' say they escaped the United States just one step ahead of socialized medicine, ruled constitutional by the US Supreme Court last Thursday. New Vancouver resident Orly Frandle says she has quickly grown to love Canada. "I just tried to buy health insurance here in Vancouver and had my application denied. Now that's freedom," said Frandle, who described herself as a birth certificate authentication enthusiast from Orange County, California. Frandle said she is finding life in Canada to be just like life in the States. "I don't know why more patriotic Americans don't move here. Canadians seem to love America more than our President, even the post offices here are US Post Offices," Frandle said. A huge NBA fan, Frandle chose to flee to Vancouver because of its proximity to Portland. "I've already gone to a Trailblazers game. It's so close, I had no idea Portland is just across the British Columbia River from Vancouver," she said. However, she worries over the fact that she can return from Portland without having to stop at a border checkpoint. Her new country should strengthen its southern border with the US, Frandle said, "to keep out the Mexicans." One expert says to look for immigration to Vancouver, Washington to continue under the Obama administration. "Not only will Vancouver receive more of these Obamacare refugees, so will Waterloo, Iowa, Centerville, Utah, and all the Springfields," said Jess R. Bolen Jr., spokesman for the Association of North American Cities With The Same Name.
June 28, 2012 Romney - Poverty the incentive that will fix health care Following the Supreme Court's upholding of the constitutionality of nearly all of President Obama's Affordable Care Act, Mitt Romney says he will still propose replacing the federal plan with his own market based plan. "My health care plan is incentive-based, and the greatest incentive of all is poverty," the projected Republican nominee for president said this morning in remarks to reporters covering the insurance industry, shortly after the high court ruling was released. The press conference saw Romney scale back his heated campaign rhetoric toward the president, with the former Massachusetts governor saying "Obama has only done one thing during his first three and a half years in office." Holding up a blank piece of paper, Romney called it "the only legislation we need." "My experience in the private sector taught me Americans will work their asses off in an attempt to improve their shitty lives," said Romney, who cofounded the private equity firm Bain Capital. "The secret is to cut their pay and benefits. I can't tell you how many times we took over a company and screwed the non-unionized employees, and it was just an incentive pushing them to work harder to pay their bills," he said. Romney continued: "Insurance is expensive, but that expensiveness is the incentive that will make people work harder so they can afford insurance. That's personal responsibility, and that's the liberty the American people hunger for. Having to choose between food and health care helps make that hunger a reality." He exhorted the insurance industry to keep hiking premiums. "It's the most patriotic and compassionate thing you can do, second only to maximizing your executive bonuses," Romney said. Romney noted that Americans can afford higher premiums because 12 million are to receive rebates totaling $1.1 billion under the Affordable Care Act. As for those still unable to afford insurance, "Our best in the world health care system will eventually trickle down on them," Romney said.
June 22, 2012 Everything's coming up Holder News roundup
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