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Nov-Dec 2012

November
1 Romney would revive Bush nickname tradition
5 Poll shows Romney with big lead among Republicans
6 Osmonds could put Romney over the top
7 Romney still going to Washington
8 McConnell hires statistician to unskew votes in Senate
13 New venture plans 'iPhone Adventure Tourism'
13 Rove threat - "My fembots are embedded throughout the government"
16 Trump to create, lead Caucasian nation
22 Turkey adopts new motto - "What's So Funny?"
26 Coburn - Classic filibuster isn't green
29 Creation scientist worried about land getting lower

December
1 Priebus to take GOP down proven road back to White House control
3 Romney makes it official - He's running against Santa Claus
6 Herman Cain launching 'GropeOn' online coupon venture
12 Wikileaks to release part of Naughty List
17 "Santa Claus is coming to town" to take away your toy guns, toy gun activists say

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Eritas Wishes You a Happy & Safe Holiday Season
We're on our customary year-end break
See you in 2013!



December 17-31, 2012
"Santa Claus is coming to town" to take away your toy guns, toy gun activists say

The North Pole early Saturday denounced an internet rumor that Santa has a secret plan to take away toy guns.

North Pole First Lady Angelina Claus said the proximity of Christmas Day to Friday's school massacre in Newtown, Connecticut, created the conditions for what she called "irresponsible rumormongering." She said the North Pole has no plans to ban toy guns.

Since Friday night, thousands of Americans have received an email urging kids to "buy as many toy guns as you can, the sooner the better. Santa Claus is coming to town to take them away."

The message goes on to claim that, now that he has been reelected to a 375th year as Santa, "Nicholas Claus is sure to claim a mandate to ban our sacred right to keep and bear toy guns."

Mrs. Claus said the rumor was likely orchestrated by the toy gun lobby in the US. "What they did was distort a longstanding North Pole Transportation Security rule prohibiting elves from taking toy guns on sleigh flights, they must be put in cargo. But that's a specific safety rule for elves only," she explained.

"Pro-toy gun groups always try to boost toy gun sales for Christmas, but this is just adding fuel to groundless fears," Mrs. Claus said.

The NRA Jr. organization denied it is behind the rumor. But spokesperson Harry Trigger said the rumor reflects a growing concern of American children who believe in toy gun rights.

He said the group would continue to propose legislation allowing toy guns to be carried in public places such as schools, churches, movie theaters, and shopping malls.

"Pointing a finger like it's a gun just isn't an effective imaginary deterrent on America's school playgrounds or in its neighborhoods," Trigger said.

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December 12, 2012
Wikileaks to release part of Naughty List

(North Pole City) An offshoot of Wikileaks has obtained 50,000 pages of Santa Claus' Naughty List and plans to release it in sections, the North Pole announced today.

Mrs. Angelina Claus, North Pole First Lady and CFO of Oslo-based holding company Northex, put the blame on Arcticleaks, a Scandinavian branch of Wikileaks. "They hacked our system, and left behind a message claiming responsibility," Mrs. Claus said.

Naughty and Nice lists alike are no longer kept in physical ledgers, she explained, but in the Secure Access Naughty-Nice Tracking Application (SANNTA), an advanced database. "SANNTA resides on a Cray supercomputer. These days 'naughty' and 'nice' are just a matter of clicking on an icon," she said.

Arcticleaks describes itself as an elf activist group. Spokesperson Soren Goldbuckle said the first document dump is set for Thursday at 2 pm North Pole City time.

Goldbuckle said Arcticleaks was able to access SANNTA with the help of "a disgruntled IT elf." He said 50,000 is the number of pages in the PDF created by Arcticleaks to hold all the names.

Wall Street dropped sharply on fears that leading companies and executives would be named as Naughty. Panic spread quickly through business, politics, religion, and entertainment circles as concerned public figures worked to create damage control strategies.

"It's a great day for crisis managers," said Pia Silverbuckle of Silverbuckle|Goldbucklesdottir BFD, a leading Christmastown firm specializing in Christmas and Hanukkah crisis management. Silverbuckle said some of her new, high profile clients clients include "Trumps, Mourdocks, the US health insurance industry, and Chris Brown."

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December 6, 2012
Herman Cain launching 'GropeOn' online coupon venture

Groupon may have fallen from the heights of internet marketing superstar to run of the mill coupon promoter, but one entrepreneur thinks the concept still has promise. Herman Cain said today he is creating a version of Groupon targeted at female consumers.

"It's for the ladies only," said Cain, in describing his new venture, GropeOn.

"Herman Cain knows that when people think of who knows the ladies, they think of Herman Cain," said Cain, the former Republican presidential candidate.

He said GropeOn will offer discount deals to women on a variety of Cain-created goods and services, such as pizzas, motivational speeches, fedoras, neologisms, and job interviews.

Like the Groupon paradigm, women shoppers would buy discounted GropeOn offers for Cain products, with savings kicking in when a certain number of buyers is reached.

But under GropeOn the discount would get larger as the group of women buyers gets larger. Cain said the most popular deals "will result in crazy savings."
Cain
"You want a deal, don't you?"

"Say Herman Cain offers career counseling sessions for $500 and 1,000 ladies want it. In that case the deal will bring a 100 percent discount -- every fine, fine lady will get face-to-face, one-on-one career advice from Herman Cain for nothing, with free drinks and a limo ride thrown in," Cain said.

Questioned whether the possibility of giving things away for free would deplete inventories, Cain said that would be "a case of the more the merrier."

"There's plenty of Herman Cain to go around," he said.

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December 3, 2012
Romney makes it official - He's running against Santa Claus

Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney got back on the showhorse today, announcing he is running to oust Nicholas Claus and become the new Father Christmas.

Romney, 65, said he intends to bring his message of self reliance, personal responsibility and faith to the entire world. 'St. Mitt For St. Nick' is his new slogan.

Romney said he would have five main goals as Father Christmas:

  • "Extend the Bush tax cuts for toy creators," work with Elf Parliament to make them permanent.
  • "Negotiate with the powerful Elf Union," to have members pay larger share of health care premiums.
  • "Build a Niceness society," by allowing nearly anyone to qualify for a soul mortgage with little or no good karma.
  • "Strengthen relations with Christmas's closest ally, Hanukkah."
  • "Continue putting lumps of coal in stockings," canceling the Claus plan to replace coal with consumer carbon offsets by 2015.

The former head of Bain Capital said it would be a challenge to beat Claus, who has been Chief Toy Deliverer for 374 years. "It's no secret how Claus has won reelection year after year after year after year after year after year. He picks certain target groups and gives them gifts," said Romney.

"About 47% of the world have become dependent on Big Yule and feel entitled to presents. It's not my job to worry about those people. I need to win the votes of children of all ages who are tired of the injustice of being put on a secret naughty list with no way to appeal, no right to counsel," he said.

North Pole First Lady and campaign manager Angelina Claus said her husband welcomed Romney's entry into the race. "Santa believes this season is the time for the exchange of different points of view, and looks forward to hearing Gov. Romney's proposals," she said.

Asked what Santa thinks of Romney as a person, Mrs. Claus replied: "Santa wants to focus on issues, not personality. Let's just say 'Ho,' and leave it at that."

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December 1, 2012
Priebus to take GOP down proven road back to White House control

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus wants to keep his job for the forseeable future, and he plans to do it by staying the course. "Losing an election doesn't mean the majority of Americans disagree with us," Priebus said on the Fox News program "Fox & Fiends."

In announcing his run for another term as party leader, Priebus said history can be deceptive. "Nothing I saw during this year's campaigns has caused me to lose faith in the principles of smaller government, bigger banks, tax cuts for job creators, and parental rights for rapists," he said.

Priebus has chosen as his slogan Let's Take Our Country Back Again This Time. "As for how we regain the White House, the road map for that already exists," he explained.

"We did it before, we can do it again. We know how -- the George W. Bush strategy. We put up a son of our last Republican nominee to run for a governorship, then run him for president eight years from now," he said.

Priebus intends to follow the Bush example as closely as possible. "We have to assess which Romney son is the smartest and might have the most support, then we go with his dumb brother," Priebus said.

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November 29, 2012
Creation scientist worried about land getting lower

A top creation scientist created an international stir today with a new interpretation of data linking temperature increases with rising sea levels.

"Global warming isn't making the oceans rise, it's making the land lower," said Dr. Barbara Placebo of the climatology department of Regent University.

Placebo's theory is at odds with the conclusions of a paper by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), published in the journal Environmental Research Letters.

She said the IPCC had erred in concluding that sea level rose more than 6 centimeters between 1990 and 2010. "The data is skewed. First because it's the socialist United Nations, and second they used the metric system," said Placebo.

Placebo used a special equation to convert metric to cubits, and cubits to inches. "It turns out 6 centimeters is equivalent to minus-4.2 inches. In other words, sea level is falling even though it appears to be going up," she explained.

It was then that a graduate student on Placebo's team made a startling observation. "He said maybe so-called sea level rise is an optical illusion caused by the land getting lower," Placebo said.

"Needless to say, I was stunned. But it makes sense, insofar as it's an example of contrarian-thinking that secular humanist evolutionists will hate," she said.

Placebo has no plans to do research into the cause of land lowering, "because that's how we creation scientists roll."

"It might be natural, it might be manmade, I don't care. Why play the blame game? We have to come up with ways to stop land lowering," Placebo said. A top culprit may be erosion, therefore Regent creation scientists are already looking into the possibility that Earth has too much rain.

"It could lead to an entirely new kind of environmental science and conservation activism," Placebo added.

Regent University is already planning to add land lowering theory to Christian textbooks and home schooling curriculum, and Placebo is to embark on a tour promoting the theory in megachurches all over the United States.

"I'm going to win a Nobel for that kid's theory, that is if I thought the Nobels had any legitimacy whatsoever," Placebo said.

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November 26, 2012
Coburn - Classic filibuster isn't green

A top Senate Republican voiced alarm yesterday over speculation that Democrats could rewrite rules of the Senate to make filibusters more difficult.

Sen. Tom Coburn said any changes that required members to take and hold the Senate floor to filibuster majority bills "are environmentally unsustainable."

"I will resist them with my every breath," Coburn, of Oklahoma, said on the Fox Sunday morning program Craven Journalism With Fawn Craven.

"Republicans adopted the virtual filibuster in January 2009 because the old one wasn't green," explained Coburn.

"Senators used to waste a lot of gas and jet fuel rushing back to Washington from a home state fundraiser in order to filibuster. But since we started filibustering virtually, Republicans have become green -- meaning we can stop majority legislation without having to commute from the golf course green or lobbyist offices," Coburn said.

GOP transportation expert Bruce L. Nurse praised the virtual filibuster as an example of private sector commute reduction. "It's much more effective than wasting taxpayer money on mass transit," said Nurse.

Nurse said loss of the virtual filibuster would reverse gains Washington, DC has experienced in improved traffic flow and reduced congestion.

In the days of the old, in-person filibuster, Nurse said, "it could take hours to drive from the Koch Industries lobby shop to the Capitol."

"K Street was like a parking lot. If Harry Reid kills the green virtual filibuster we could see longer commutes and more local smog," he said.

Coburn is hoping to have transportation alternatives ready in case the virtual filibuster is ended. The senator is encouraging Republicans to form limousine pools, and is seeking cosponsors for a bill authorizing a privately funded project to extend the Capitol subway.

The peoplemover, opened in 1909, runs between the Capitol building and congressional office buildings. The extension would add stations at the offices of Altria, ADM, US Chamber of Commerce, the Petroleum Institute, and Grover Norquist's Americans for Tax Reform.

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November 22, 2012
Turkey adopts new motto - "What's So Funny?"

Annual turkey-based post

Turkey has adopted a new national motto, the office of Turkey Prime Minister Tom Erdogan announced today.

A resolution pushed through Parliament and quickly signed into law Wednesday declared the new motto to be 'The Republic Of Turkey -- What's So Funny?'
Suggested mottos rejected by Turkey
• Stop Laughing! Stop it!
• Am I Missing Something?
• Tell Me Why It's Funny
• Come On You Guys, Please
• Hey You Guys, The Game Is On
• Have Some More Pie


The new motto is part of Erdogan's plan to realize Turkey's dream of a return to global prominence. In earlier eras the nation, then known as the Ottomans, had gobbled up most of the furniture trade in southeastern Europe and the Middle East.

"We have taken this step in order to gain respect on the international stage," said Erdogan spokesman Kamal Cranberry.

"President Erdogan hears the British snickering at EU meetings, he sees the Americans at NATO get the giggles. All at the merest mention of Turkey," said Cranberry.

"What's So Funny? is a rhetorical question, by asking it we are saying nothing is funny about our plump, juicy country," he said.

The motto is sure to be on display tonight, when Erdogan welcomes world leaders to Ankara for a sumptuous autumn harvest dinner.

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November 16, 2012
Trump to create, lead Caucasian nation

Donald Trump joined the chorus of Americans clamoring for the right to secede from the US today.

But the real estate magnate, NBC reality show host, Macy's pitchman, and amateur genealogist added his own wrinkle to the upstart secessionist movement, which arose as online petitions after President Barack Obama's Nov. 6 reelection.

"States seceding from the Union won't work, it's been tried before and failed," said Trump, explaining that the 1860-65 attempt to create the Confederate States of America lacked Trump-like leadership.

"People who don't want to live under a Kenyan president, we should secede individually from the hemisphere. My idea is for everyone who agrees with me will move to a new country overseas," said Trump.

Trump said he has already started the process to buy territory and gather financing for the new nation. "I have my eye on a few hundred square miles in the Caucasian Mountains region of southwestern Asia," he said.

The area in question is on the Republic of Georgia's Black Sea coast, which Trump added he intends to rename the White Sea.
+
Trump's Caucasian nation

"The Caucasian Republic -- the name alone will attract people like me from all over the United States, as well as some parts of Europe, Australia and southern Africa. All you will need to become a citizen will be a long form, non-Hawaii birth certificate and a sealed college transcript. I tell you, this is going to be huge," Trump said.

Trump said his capital will be the town of Supsa, to be renamed Trumpington, District of Trumpia. Groundbreaking will take place in January 2013 for a national palace/hotel-casino/country club complex, where he expects to be crowned King Donald sometime in 2014.

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November 13, 2012
Rove threat - "My fembots are embedded throughout the government"

Karl Rove broke into network programming this afternoon to gloat over what the despised architect of evil termed "my total control of the gossip-intelligence complex."

During the live broadcast the meglomaniacal GOP puppetmaster claimed to have masterminded the affair between Paula Broadwell and former CIA Director David Petraeus, and the relationship -- still under investigation -- between Jill Kelley and Gen. John Allen.

"Broadwell and Kelley are both fembot agents under my control," cackled Rove.
+
Rove unmasks fembot
A frame taken during Tuesday's live broadcast by evil genius Karl Rove, who revealed David Petraeus mistress Paula Broadwell as a cybernetic agent.

Always with a flair for the dramatic, Rove brought Paula Broadwell on-camera and ripped off the mask concealing her facial substructure.

"Fembots are part of my plan to get close to military leaders by proxy. I love men in uniform, but have always been too shy to actually talk to them in person," said Rove.

Rubbing his hands together, the neocon maven warned that "Broadwell, Kelley and her twin sister are only the beginning. My fembots are embedded throughout the government, ready to do my bidding."

"I will unleash my fembots again and again, unless the federal government pays a ransom of $300 million to my 501(c)(4) charitable/educational organization," threatened Rove.

Speaking directly to President Barack Obama, Rove intoned the president shouldn't have a second thought about paying the ransom. "You will have plausible deniability. No one will be able to accuse you of appeasing a terrorist, since I don't have to disclose my sources of revenue."

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November 13, 2012
New venture plans 'iPhone Adventure Tourism'

Massachusetts start-up Jray thinks it has a sure-fire way to satisfy the demand for the latest iPhone: iPhone adventure tourism.

Belmont entrepreneur Tagg Romney says he got the idea while trying to buy the new iPhone 5 at the Apple Store in Chestnut Hill.

"After I got over the fact that I couldn't buy my way to the top of the backorder list, I started listening to the other people waiting in line," recalled Romney.

"In front of me two women were talking. One said, 'I'd do anything to get the new iPhone,' and her friend replied, 'I'll go to China and pick it up myself if I have to'. It was like a light bulb went off over my head," he said.

Romney has partnered with Delta Airlines and Foxconn, the company that assembles iPhones, to create $2500 iPhone adventure packages.

"American hipsters impatient for the most up to date iPhone experience will soon be able to book a two week adventure with us," said Kitty Romney, Jray vice president for public relations and a Romney cousin.

A standard adventure package will include round trip airfare to one of Foxconn's 13 China manufacturing plants, and room and board in a Foxconn worker barracks.

"You'll be able to experience two weeks of double shifts building your new iPhone on a Foxconn assembly line, as well as iPhones for those who can't afford an iPhone adventure," said Kitty Romney.

Adventure tourists get to keep their Tyvek cleansuit as a souvenir. However, they must still buy the iPhones they build. "Apple won't let us offer a discount, they said frankly they don't see the need," she said.

But Kitty Romney sees enormous potential for iPhone adventure tourism, saying "we can keep growing as long as Apple keeps shaving off grams and millimeters."

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November 8, 2012
McConnell hires statistician to unskew votes in Senate

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell today signalled the direction in which he intends to lead his Senate Republicans in the next Congress, following Tuesday's election of President Barack Obama to a second term.

McConnell said this morning that he too stands ready to meet the president halfway. The Kentucky senator's remarks came during a joint press conference with House Speaker John Boehner, at which the Speaker indicated that passage of the Romney-Ryan tax plan is his preferred way to compromise with the Obama Administration,.

"Elections have consequences, and I think this election taught us all something important. Namely, that the process of vote counting has a severe liberal bias," said McConnell.

"I'm not questioning the numbers. Numbers are numbers. But the disparity between the final vote and the way the polls by Fox News, Dick Morris, Karl Rove, and Dean Chambers predicted how things should have turned out proves there is something else going on, something skewing the results in favor of the Democrat Party," he said.

McConnell believes this skewing even extends to votes on the floor of the Senate: "I can't tell you how many times I went into a vote knowing I had 52 votes against a Democrat bill, only to have it end up going 52, 53 the other way."

McConnell has turned to an eminent vote unskewing expert for help. He has asked Dr. Ann Nova, a faculty member of the Creation Statistics department at Regent University, to draw up a proposal to unskew Senate votes. Nova's plan is to be submitted to Majority Leader Harry Reid when the new session of Congress begins.

"I'm hoping the Majority Leader recognizes this attempt to reach across the aisle for what it is," McConnell said.

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November 7, 2012
Romney still going to Washington

Will fill Ryan's House seat

Mitt Romney preempted speculation today about what his next move would be, the morning after being defeated by President Barack Obama in the 2012 presidential election. While predictions have ranged from a return to Bain Capital to joining the Peace Corps to outright retirement, Romney -- ever the chameleon -- has confounded them all.

He plans to join Congress.

"I spent so much money campaigning for a job in Washington, it would be a shame to disappoint so many of my investors," Romney said in an interview with Fox News host Fawn Craven.

The former head of Bain Capital went on to disclose the deal had already been done. "I'm proud to be the new member of Congress for the 1st District of Wisconsin," said Romney.

The 1st District seat is currently held by Romney's White House running mate Paul D. Ryan, to which he was reelected by a comfortable margin Tuesday. "I said to Paul that giving me his job is the least he can do for an old man," joked Romney, 65.

In reality Romney turned once again to his business experience to make his wish a reality. "We showed up at the Ryan manse today at daybreak, and presented my leveraged takeover offer," Romney explained.

"I took my sons with me. We held down Ryan and gave him Indian burns and noogies until he signed it over to me. It was some good clean fun, just plain horsing around," he said.

Ryan released a statement wishing Romney good luck in the House of Representatives. "I also wish to thank Mitt and his boys for my new haircut," Ryan said.

America's newest congressman said he feels strongly his first task should be to heal any feelings he may have hurt inadvertently during the past year -- for an example citing the nation of Italy. "They didn't like it when I said they wanted to move Jeep jobs to China," he recalled.

"I'm not sure what I can do to improve relations with Italy, but I'm thinking about it. I may have pizza for dinner," Romney said.

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November 6, 2012
Osmonds could put Romney over the top

Support among fellow Mormons for Republican nominee for president Mitt Romney is known to be strong, but a deep vein of supporters within that group could carry Romney to victory today.

"The largest bloc within the Mormon vote is the Osmond family, and they are everywhere," said Dr. Gene Genet, a senior scholar at Demography North America (DNA).

Genet's research has identified a mass exodus of Osmonds out of Utah that commenced after the last episode of the Donny & Marie music/variety show in 1979. This outmigration led to members of the singing-dancing-acting clan taking up residence in all fifty states.

"Mormons are well-known for their large families. But what isn't known is that Osmonds beat the Mormon average, with 19.4 members per household and a 13% annual growth rate," Genet explained.

"This growth, combined with the Osmond Diaspora and passage of three decades has clear implications for today's election," she said.

Romney pollster Stan Dardeviasian agreed with Genet's assessment.

"Osmonds are roughly 8.6% of the population in the battleground states, up from 7.9% in 2008," reported Dardeviasian. This is particularly critical to Romney in Ohio, where the Donny Osmond branch of the family, centered around Cleveland (site of the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame), makes up 11% of the Ohio population.

The Marie part of the family is based in the the country music capital of Nashville, Tennessee, which is firmly in the former Massachusetts governor's column.

In other election news, Congressman Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) will replace Lance Armstrong as Tour de France champion for the years 1995 to 2005 pending results of his urinalysis, Tour organizer Amaury Sport Organisation announced today.

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November 5, 2012
Poll shows Romney with big lead among Republicans

The campaign of Mitt Romney is touting poll results from November 3-4 as signalling good news for his chances going into tomorrow's 2012 general election.

The national survey of 1,000 likely voters phoned Saturday and Sunday shows the former head of Bain Capital with a huge lead of 87% over President Barack Obama among self-identified Republican voters.

Only 4% of Republicans support the president, while 6% backed Gov. Gary Johnson and 3% were undecided.

"These results give Romney a real shot in the arm," said Romney pollster Stan Dardeviasian.

Dardeviasian said such a strong margin points to "the likelihood of Romney suffering a respectable defeat in the popular vote instead of a humiliating drubbing," of the magnitude projected as recently as a month ago.

Campaign spokescousin Punch Romney said the poll is evidence that Mitt Romney is "within striking distance" of the president.

"We're within striking distance of denying Obama a landslide in the electoral college," said Punch Romney.

"After everything this campaign has been through, not getting blown out -- which we are defining as 200 to 215 electoral votes -- would be a big win," he said.

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November 1, 2012
Romney would revive Bush nickname tradition

Ann Romney continued to press her case today that President Obama and his administration lack maturity.

During an appearance at a Williams-Sonoma store near Columbus, Ohio on Thursday, the First Lady hopeful repeated her message that America needs a "grown up" in the White House.

"You really need an adult in the top job, and Barack Obama isn't showing me that. Let me tell you, as the mother of five rambunctious boys, I know what I'm talking about," said Mrs. Romney, 70.

"I remember this one time when Mitt got Tagg a summer job as manager of a Banana Republic," she recalled.

"Or maybe it was dictator of a banana republic. At any rate, it was in Central America, it was humid, and when I visited him at his palace I had to have Evian flown in."

"But my point is, he was overthrown by his employees in three weeks and we had to flee to Cancun. He just wasn't ready," she said.

Mrs. Romney said her husband is "the grown up we need, at 65 he's the oldest person I know."

"As president Mitt will model himself on mature commanders-in-chiefs of the past," Mrs. Romney continued.

"Mitt is interested in Navy policy due to George W. Bush's use of banners on aircraft carriers. President Bush's tradition of giving people fun nicknames is also something Mitt wants to bring back," she added.

The Romney campaign confirmed the Republican nominee plans to adopt a White House nickname policy. "We're already doing it in the campaign," said Romney spokesman Rick 'Longhair Sissyboy' Pennybaaker.

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