''Only Nixon could go to [expletive deleted]'' -Vulcan proverb
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''Only Nixon could go to [expletive deleted]'' -Vulcan proverb
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←Autumn 2014→
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Subscribe to the RSS feed -- the bitmark is now bit.ly/wiselinify. December 25, 2014 North Pole sleigh in near-miss with drone (Seattle) It was the worst Christmas ever in the Evergreen Point area of Washington today, hours after Santa Claus was involved in a near-miss with a private drone, the Federal Aviation Administration reports. The incident occurred as Elf Force One was coming in for a landing in Medina, Yarrow Point and Clyde Hill, a cluster of three towns east of Seattle. Suddenly, according to Santa, a small red and white drone with four rotors came into view, on a collision course. St. Nicholas' high-tech sleigh carries a number of classified defensive systems, but nothing to shoot down another aircraft. "About all I can do in a situation like that is put helmets on the reindeer and hope the drone doesn't get tangled in the antlers," said Claus. "I ejected the coal module to reduce weight, and then split-s outta there. You can bet I'll be filing a complaint with the FAA," Santa said. After aborting the landing Santa continued on to his next scheduled stop in Bellevue. Santa apologized for not being able to stop at Medina, Yarrow Point and Clyde Hill this year. "Fortunately, that only meant missing three people from the Nice List. Everyone else is welcome to keep the coal," Claus said.
December 20, 2014 North Korea issues global movie rating system The Democratic People's Republic of Korea today issued a detailed a worldwide movie ratings system, guidance a spokesman described as a way for movie studios to avoid a repeat of the contretemps surrounding The Interview, the now-withdrawn movie from Sony Pictures starring Seth Rogen and James Franco. A modification of the familiar letter-rating system used in the US, North Korea's "Kim Jong Un System" -- or Unsystem for short -- is notable for the specificity of what a film must contain in order to receive a given rating from the reclusive cineaste nation. For example, a movie can receive an R rating for depicting Seth Rogen nude below the waist. However, the R can be changed to PG-13 if James Franco is shown nude below the waist from the back. As in the West, the Unsystem is more restrictive of sexual themes than violent content. A film that shows Seth Rogen having sex would be rated R, but the same film could blow up Rogen and receive a G. A film in which Franco explodes during sex would be awarded a PG. "What we're concerned about is very much in line with Western attitudes toward Seth Rogen," said Minister for Agriculture & Film Han Wei Bogart. "Cinematic history is replete with the detrimental influence of Seth Rogen. Just compare two films with similar themes, Green Hornet and Citizen Kane. One a classic, one not -- and the difference was Rogen," Bogart said. Bogart also explained the disparate treatment of Rogen and Franco is due to Franco's popularity in North Korea. "Dennis Rodman introduced Kim Jong Un to the filmography of James Franco, who is known in our country as Dear Thespian." "The Dear Junior Leader became a fan immediately, since James Franco is named for Francisco Franco, who is only Dear Junior Leader's favorite fascist dictator," Bogart explained. Videos of Franco's 2009-2012 appearances as 'Franco' on ABC's General Hospital are in the top 10 most-watched playlists on North Korea's YooTube website. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
December 18, 2014 Santa plans Southern distribution hub to serve Cuba It may be Santa Claus's busy season, but St. Nick is also making plans for Christmas Future. Northex, Santa's Oslo-based holding company, announced today it is planning a new distribution hub in the southeastern US, to serve an expected increase in demand from Cuba. "Already in the past day we've started seeing letters to Santa from Cuba, increasing 3 percent an hour," said Glen Garrybuckle, the Northex elf in charge of business development. "At that rate we won't be able to serve the island, let alone the Deep South, from our existing hub north Dakota," he said. "We expect fifty Christmases worth of latent demand to hit next year," Garrybuckle said. The new hub should be open by Labor Day 2015, and will feature air, rail and maritime transportation linkages, including its own aerodrome. "The Cuban wishlists we've gotten in the last 24 hours are asking Santa for major capital equipment and infrastructure items. Most of those things can't be sent by truck," explained Glenn Rossbuckle, chief distribution logistics elf. Florida not on the list Northex representatives are already in contact with state governments across the South. "We're interested in any state with good rail links, and on the coast or with access for ocean-going freighters," said Rossbuckle. Rossbuckle said Georgia, Mississippi and Louisiana are high on Santa's wishlist, but Florida isn't being considered at all. "Due to past dealings, we know Rick Scott demands too high of a kickback," Rossbuckle said. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
December 10, 2014 Message from Santa - "Hands Up, Don't Shoot" on Xmas Eve The world continues to be a dangerous place, and continues to present many security threats to his international gift delivery mission, Santa Claus said today at his annual pre-flight news conference. Technology can deal with some dangers, said Santa. "For example, I can fly over the Ukraine with no worries, thanks to my new stealth sleigh [Eritas, 12 15/2011]," he told reporters. However when it comes to the United States, Santa admits to being very concerned. "It's alarming to hear about all the questionable police shootings, homeowners shooting family members they mistook for intruders, and heavily armed militias watching the skies for black helicopters," said the usually jolly old elf. "I'm going to be coming down chimneys into that environment, and I'm very concerned." Santa modeled the outfit he plans to wear ("it's required for insurance") for the American leg of his mission, consisting of explosion-resistant coveralls, a red bulletproof vest trimmed with white fur, and helmet with jingle bell and face shield. Speaking directly to the American people, he said "on December 24 you need to remember what day it is, and stand down." "I'm Santa. You know me, I'm not a threat," he said, raising his arms in the now-familar 'Hands Up, Don't Shoot' gesture. However, a US gun rights advocate said Santa Claus faces little risk. "Americans love their guns, but we love getting presents more," Larry Pratt told Fox News. "Besides, everyone knows Santa is white," Pratt added. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
December 5, 2014 North Pole could be Plan C for Big Coal The US coal industry is faced with competition from increasingly affordable clean alternatives like wind and solar, China taking steps to produce less energy by burning coal, and grassroots resistance in US states where coal export terminals are planned. Now Big Coal has set its sights on one of the world's last major importers of coal: Santa Claus. Although Claus's Oslo-based Northex holding company is among the world's top green companies, it is actually an enthusastic embracer of coal. "For over 500 years our Disciplinary Program has used coal to send a message to people on the Naughty List, and we will continue to do so," said Mrs. Angelina Claus, CFO of Northex and First Lady of the North Pole for the last 376 years. "We've tried non-coal alternatives like consumer carbon offsets (Eritas, 12/3/2012) and Kohl's gift cards (Eritas, 12/22/2006), but nothing beats the hard, red-faced shame of getting a lump of coal in your stocking," said Mrs. Claus. She said Santa would continue to deliver lumps of coal to the Naughty -- along with an educational pamphlet explaining the role of carbon emissions in climate change, and that burning the lump of coal would result in the addition of Naughty Points in the recipient's account in SANNTA (Secure Access Naughty-Nice Tracking Application, Eritas, 12/12/2012) The coal industry is calling Santa Claus its 'Plan C' -- and a lot of infrastructure will be needed to pull it off. Silvio Bituminous, spokesman for Australian-owned Ambre Energy, said coal trains would continue to run from Wyoming coal country to the Pacific Northwest. But instead of being loaded onto China-bound freighters, the trains would continue on to Canada, and then Alaska. At a new terminal in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, coal would be transferred to massive cargo sleds for the final run to North Pole City. "With the GOP victory in the midterms, we're confident Republican overreaching and abuses will mean nothing but growth in Santa's need for coal," Bituminous said. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
December 1, 2014 Oath Keepers hope 'Oath Brand' will keep America moving The 'Oath Keepers' national network of self-appointed security consultants announced ambitious expansion plans today, fresh from high profile operations in Ferguson, Missouri over the Thanksgiving weekend. The volunteer-based group says their armed patrols were requested by property owners who feared police and national guard units would be unable to make people walk on the sidewalks. "I just don't understand why some folks think there's something wrong with the sidewalk, what's wrong with the sidewalk?" said Oath Keeper spokesman Oliver Charles 'OCD' Davis. "Ferguson could have avoided this ugliness if Michael Brown had used the sidewalk, instead of forcing Officer Wilson to do his duty as directed by the Missouri Traffic Code subsection on lethal force," said Davis. Although regular Oath Keeper units have now pulled out after requests by authorities, the group plans to continue to have boots on the ground. "We're going to leave behind an Oath Krossing Guards ladies auxiliary unit. They'll help people cross streets, set up checkpoints, and ask pedestrians for their walking papers," Davis explained. Then there are the future expansion plans, a branding strategy Davis calls The Oath Brand. "Local governments across the country are overstretched, there is a clear need for a group like ours helping out, with volunteers helping keep public services on schedule. In fact, our slogan is going to be 'Keep Moving & Stay Regular With Oath Brand'," he said. Davis said Oath Keepers' initial menu of all-volunteer Oath services will include Oath Kops, Oath Prosekutors, Oath Kourts, and Oath Kontractors to construct more sidewalks. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
November 26, 2014 Rick Perry delivers GOP Thanksgiving message Annual turkey-based post In the Republican response to the President's annual pardoning of a Thanksgiving turkey, outgoing Texas Gov. Rick Perry pledged that the pardon would be the subject of "a full and vigorous investigation" by the GOP majority in the next session of Congress. Perry then signed a warrant for the execution of a turkey that has been on Texas' death row for the past seven months. "I expect it will be delicious," said Perry. The possible 2016 presidential candidate will dine on the bird Thursday at the Perry family hunting lodge N*****head, along with a guest list invited from a Who's Who of Texas GOP politics -- although new school textbooks approved by Texas call it a 'Whose Whom.' "I am looking forward to a traditional, all-American Thanksgiving turkey dinner, with stuffing, mashed potatoes and, uh- a third side dish whose name escapes me. Oops," Perry said, adding: "My point is that it will be better than the untraditional, possibly foreign Thanksgiving dinner at the White House, where Michelle Obama will probably be serving unwashed kale and Tofurkey." Perry's personal chef, Boyd R. Dean, said the turkey would be prepared according to a super-secret 'Texas style' recipe. "I can only say that the brine is a secret cocktail of ingredients as used by the state prison system," Chef Boyd R. Dean said. In a related story, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie attempted to hold a turkey-pardoning ritual in Trenton this morning. Unfortunately, the turkey died on the way to the event while stuck in traffic. "Maybe the turkey got its just desserts buffet," commented Christie. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT). HAPPY THANKSGIVING, AMERICANS!
November 24, 2014 North Korea to test nuclear device with "weapons grade carbon dioxide" Pyongyang is preparing a test of the world's first nuclear device armed with a warhead containing "weapons grade carbon dioxide," the official North Korean news agency reported today. The grim breakthrough was announced on national TV by 'Dear leader' and People's Chief Science Innovator Dr. Kim Jong Un, BS, MS, PhD, interrupting the highly anticipated North Korea premiere of 'The Cosby Show.' Kim told his reclusive nation that he discovered CO2 in his laboratory in 2009, describing it as "an invisible gas that results from respiration, burning fossil fuels, and listening to decadent Western music." "Working with my team of carbon dioxologists, I have determined that continued emissions of CO2 will cause serious, world-altering repercussions," said Kim. "Therefore, I have taken the only reasonable course available -- to turn it into a weapon of mass destruction," he said. Speaking to world leaders, Kim warned that unless his demands are met, he would build an arsenal of CO2 bombs, "that would spread carbon gas all over the world." Kim threatened that "No where would be safe from my wrath. Global temperatures will increase several degrees on average. Ice caps will melt. The oceans will rise. Climate will change. Talking heads will argue over whether it is the heat or the humidity. Pop music will flood the airwaves!" The only way to stop him from going ahead with the planned weapon test, he said, was for the West to agree to a series of North Korean goodwill demands. "First, an NBA expansion franchise. Second, an exchange of ambassadors with Disneyland. And third, IMF financing for a multipurpose 100,000 seat football stadium-convention center." Kim concluded by saying he would only negotiate with Taylor Swift and Shailene Woodley. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT)
November 20, 2014 Preview- Romney to give response to Obama immigration speech In the official Republican response to President Barack Obama's prime-time address on immigration reform, 2012 GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney is scheduled to give the party's position on the president's plan to shield four million people from deportation. The preview of the party's statement was made available by the Republican National Committee. Romney plans to say Republicans in Congress will never agree to Obama's order as expected to be written. "Mr. Obama says reform is necessary to secure the border, for fairness, and to have compassion for families. But Republicans will be opposed for precisely the same reasons," Romney will say. Instead, Romney will call for action on an area of immigration the White House has not mentioned -- "the plight of the undocumented corporate person." "Make no mistake, undocumented corporations are people too, my friends. They come to this country only with the dream of creating jobs and sending profits to needy banks in their native lands, some of which are American allies," he will say. He will call for protection for foreign subsidiaries "that were brought to the US in their infancy as startups, and remained here believing themselves to be naturalized manufacturers." The measure would be called the Romney Emigration And Manufacturing Act, or REAM Act for short. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT)
November 17, 2014 Sarkozy defends traditional French marriage (Paris) Nicolas Sarkozy has taken a strong stand against gay marriage, calling for an end to France's national gay marriage law. His remarks came as part of his campaign to reassume leadership of the center-right party the Union for a Popular Movement (UMP, motto: "We're not a front, we're a movement"), which he led from 2004 to 2012. The former French president spoke Saturday during a debate held by the conservative group Common Sense. Sarkozy agreed with the very vocal audience the law -- known as the Taubira law after justice minister Christiane Taubira -- should be repealed, and replaced with one affirming that French marriage is between a man, a woman, and a series of long term mistresses. Sarkozy in past years had avoided taking a position on gay marriage. "I had always thought the more men we allowed to be openly gay, the more women there would be available for me," said Sarkozy, who has been married three times. "But recently I came to the realization that I had forgotten about the lesbians. How can I hope to attract highly desirable bi-curious women as mistresses if there are lesbiennes offering to put a ring on it? I cant compete with that," Sarkozy said. Sarkozy told Common Sense that should he be elected UMP leader again, passage of a 'Defense Du Mariage Traditionnel Francais' would be his top priority. In addition to defining marriage as a union at any one time of at least two heterosexuals and a bisexual woman, the new legislation would cut taxes on mistress creators and exempt pied-a-terres from property taxes. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT)
November 14, 2014 Tennessee church hopes to make it official Buoyed by recent court decisions and electoral outcomes, a fundamentalist Christian church announced yesterday it is proceeding with a campaign to name itself the official state church of Tennessee. "The lord thinks the time is right," said Pastor Mack E. Gyllenhall of the Knoxville-based Death To All Who Blablablaspheme Bible Macrochurch of Jesus. Gyllenhall believes an Ohio federal appeals court ruling, upholding gay marriage bans in Tennessee and three other states, plus the Nov. 5 Republican landslide, show America is ready for government-endorsed religion. "When two-thirds of Americans don't have faith in the system enough to vote, they are ready for monolithic patriarchal theocracy," explained Gyllenhall. Gyllenhall said he and church elders have been working closely with legislators on drafting an amendment to the state constitution, enshrining Death To All Who Blablablaspheme Bible Macrochurch of Jesus as a fourth branch of government. "We plan to schedule it for a late night vote early in the new year," he said. The amendment would give the church authority over health, education, welfare, archeology digs, and marriage licenses. Official status for the church -- also called Bible Macrochurch for short, or just BM -- would cap several years of ambitious growth and diversification. Starting in 2004 in a suburban Knoxville strip mall, BM grew quickly, in just a decade expanding to nine branch churches across Tennessee, a satellite TV channel, a radio station, charter elementary schools, charter daycares, a reparative therapy clinic, and a militia battalion. "BM is a movement," Gyllenhall says proudly. And he dismisses as "urban myth" objections that the First Amendment forbids government-establishment of religion. "The idea that the Founding Fathers wanted people to choose for themselves, that's like climate change, or premiums being lower under Obamacare, in that I just don't believe it," Gyllenhall said. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT. And special congratulations to Blablablaspheme, Follower No.2500!)
October 20, 2014 'Upskirt photos' trial to begin (Riyadh) The trial is to begin Tuesday in the case of an American man charged with violating women's privacy by taking 'upskirt' photos under their clothing. Charles Frederick Kodak, 36, of Studio City, California, was arrested at the Al Qasr Mall August 9 after a woman called the Saudi religious police. The prosecution alleges Kodak followed women around the mall, "placing camera equipment under their clothing for the purpose of taking photographs to appeal to prurient interests." The document includes the statement of a 21 year old woman, whose name was redacted to protect her privacy, saying she was visiting the mall "and became aware of movement under my abaya," referring to the full cloak required by the traditional dress code. "I stepped back to discover a skeletal metal contraption on wheels with unfolding arms, like an Erector Set. It had a camera and lights mounted on it, and a cable led to a box in the hands of the man standing next to me in line at Sbarro." She identified the man as Kodak. Kodak has maintained his innocence, claiming he is only an inventor. "I specialize in camera equipment that can be used to take low-angle shots in darkness or poor lighting conditions, and the mall visit was just a field test of my latest prototype. My only regret is that the young woman walked over it and stood there during deployment," Kodak told a reporter from FHM.com in an October 3 prison interview. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT)
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