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Dec. 2011

2 Peppermint spray used against North Pole occupiers
4 Bachmann attacks 'Obamatree'
7 Gingrich will skip Santa debate
11 North Pole production back on track after suspicious package scares
13 Westboro expedition disappears near Christmastown
15 Boeing to build new Elf Force One at North Pole

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December 15-31, 2011
Boeing to build new Elf Force One at North Pole

South Carolina pissed
+

Chicago-based Boeing reached agreement today with the International Elf Machinists Union on a new labor contract. The agreement clears the way for construction of the new Elf Force One at the North Pole.

Designated Elf Force One-X, the next generation sleigh will take shape at Boeing Plant 27 in Christmastown. Components will be made in North Pole City and Corneliusville.
Elf Force One-X

Features:
  • Lightweight composite fuselage for increased range
  • Radar-absorbing coatings
  • Green 9 reindeerpower engine uses Christmas Spirit more efficiently
  • Stealth engine mode for Silent Night operations
  • Bagless cargo hold is bigger on the inside than outside
  • Advanced avionics, only 1 elf flight engineer required
  • Defensive countermeasures pod
  • More generous pilot's seat
  • Nog cupholders
  • The current Elf Force One, also built by Boeing, has been in service since the Really Cold War.

    The decision ends suspense over whether manufacturing would stay polar, or whether Boeing would follow through on its threat to perform the work at a Charleston, South Carolina facility with nonunion gnome workers.

    The decision also moots a National Labor Relations Board lawsuit alleging the aerospace giant's 2009 selection of South Carolina for its Barbie's Dreamliner program (Eritas, Dec. 16, 2009) violated federal law by retaliating against the Elf Machinists for an earlier strike.

    Christmastown mayor Jamie Winebuckle hailed the new contract as a tremendous boost for North Pole City's economy. "The One-X will put a lot of unemployed BlackBerry Playbook assemblers back to work," the mayor said.

    South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley voiced her displeasure, calling Boeing's decision "naughty to the extreme," and issued a proclamation declaring December 25 Official State Worst Christmas Ever.


    Wiseline Institute Wishes You a Happy & Safe Holiday Season
    We're taking off for our customary year-end break
    See you in 2012!

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    December 13, 2011
    Westboro expedition disappears near Christmastown

    "God Hates Fruitcake" picketers lost crossing polar ice

    The Elf Coast Guard has called off this morning's half-hour search for members of Westboro Baptist Church.

    Lt. Matt Swashbuckle said a rescue sleigh went to the party's last known coordinates 480 miles north of Point Barrow, but only found stenciled placards reading "God Hates Fruitcake" and "Why Make The Yuletide Gay" floating in the water.

    The Westboro expedition disappeared while walking to Christmastown, North Pole intending to picket yesterday's official state ceremonies marking the start of the Twelve Days of Christmas.

    The church's Topeka, Kansas headquarters reported the expedition overdue after missing their Sunday check-in.

    "They called us on the satellite phone to say the ice was melting and getting really slushy," said a person who answered Westboro's phone. "But we told them not to worry because global warming is so gay."

    In North Pole's Parliament, Shadow Security Secretary Hermie Sugarcane MP (Elf Party-Corneliusville) said he hoped for the safety of the fundamentalist Christians, but the North Pole has limited funds for search and rescue. "Those people wouldn't have set out on such a dangerous journey in the first place if the Government had heeded the opposition's demands to secure the border."

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    December 11, 2011
    North Pole production back on track after suspicious package scares

    "The elves are furious"

    Toys, cologne and socks are again rolling off North Pole assembly lines Sunday afternoon, after plants One, Two, Five, Nine, 12, 15, 16, 18, 19, 21, and 23 were idled for hours by more reports of unattended packages.

    All cases were determined to be false alarms.

    Angelina Claus has been North Pole First Lady for 373 years, and Chief Financial Officer of the North Pole holding company Northex since 1957. She told MSNBC's Luke Russert that security incidents at the six square mile corporate reservation have skyrocketed since June 1, when Northex signed a contract with the Nome office of the US Dept. of Homeland Security's Toy Security Agency (TSA) to provide security.

    For Claus, yesterday's problems highlight concerns she has brought repeatedly to the attention of TSA.

    "As the holiday season drew closer, TSA guards began calling in alarms whenever they saw unattended packages in the factories," said Claus.

    When November arrived, so did numerous work stoppages caused by anthrax scares. However, the white powder turned out to be snow.

    "The elves are furious," Claus said, explaining that the frequent alarms interrupt the rhythm of Merry Work Songs, the elves' primary means of process coordination.

    "Unless the TSA finds a way to weed out false alarms we could have a major Elf Union strike on our hands. This could be the worst Christmas ever. More milk and cookies, Luke?"

    TSA spokesman Rollie Fingers said the department's North Pole personnel are doing their best at a difficult job, saying: "At any given time there might be 90 million packages at the North Pole. Our average of 24 false alarms a day in fact represents a 99.99999997 percent hourly accuracy rate."

    Fingers said his team has an exemplary record. "The North Pole has had 158 terror-free days on our watch."

    TSA is currently engaged in screening freight for the critical December 24-25 period.

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    December 7, 2011
    Gingrich will skip Santa debate

    "Naughty List has a liberal bias"

    Newt Gingrich surprised no one today with the announcement that he will not be participating in the December 26 Boxing Day debate, to be moderated by Santa Claus.

    The current Republican frontrunner said he instead plans to attend a New York City campaign breakfast being hosted by Tiffany & Company.

    "I don't see why I should submit to a grilling by Santa, when his Naughty List has a liberal bias," said Gingrich, during a campaign stop at a Honey Baked Ham factory in Sioux City, Iowa. "'Were you a good boy?' 'Have you been nice to your lesbian sister?' Those are the kind of gotcha questions Mr. Claus is known for."

    Gingrich described the Naughty List as an anachronism: "The list served a valuable purpose in the days before radio and TV, when it was a good way to alert the American people about runaway youth, fugitive criminals, and foreign enemies of liberty."

    "But these days the Naughty List is a liberal hit list used in class warfare. The Elf Union-controlled North Pole bureaucracy is just playing a blame game," said Gingrich, and then declared: "Instead of putting the greedy, dishonest and immoral on the Naughty List, Santa Claus should be helping them create jobs."

    Gingrich gave several examples of activities that can get job creators put on the Naughty List, including Congressional admonishment for ethical violations, serving as an unregistered lobbyist for Freddie Mac, and promising to appoint John Bolton to be Secretary of State.

    Later in the day Gingrich was greeted in Des Moines by supporters holding signs that read 'Naughty Is Nice.'

    Surprisingly, Michele Bachmann, a rival to Gingrich for the GOP nomination, agrees the Naughty List is biased. The Minnesota congresswoman thinks the North Pole should be examined by the media. "I would love to see a great investigation of the Naughty List, let's find out whether Santa is pro-America or anti-America," she said.

    "As I understand it, he's European in origin," Bachmann added.

    Bachmann says vaccines are the real cause of naughtiness, something she learned recently, "when a woman told me her daughter started sassing her after getting a flu shot."

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    December 4, 2011
    Bachmann attacks 'Obamatree'

    Congresswoman Michele Bachmann continued her quest for the Republican presidential nomination today, stepping up her criticism of 'Obamatree' -- the new National Christmas Tree unveiled Thursday evening by President Obama.

    The new tree became necessary after the previous tree blew down in a windstorm. But Bachmann, who chairs the House Oversight of Holiday Observances Committee (HO HO Committee), accused the president of taking advantage of the situation to create a biased message.

    "Obamatree is socialist because it uses strings of energy-saving LED twinkle lights," Bachmann said today, in remarks to a meeting of the U.S. Plastic Trees Council.

    "But the Founding Fathers did not start Christmas to conserve, they meant for us to celebrate the great bounty of our great exceptional nation," she said.

    "So when I get to the White House, the national Christmas tree will set an example by consuming energy like there's no tomorrow," Bachmann promised.

    The Minnesota lawmaker went on to say she would order the General Services Administration to replace the LED lights with some form of unsustainable lights.

    She said she would not micromanage the selection, "because that would be overregulation. They could use 75, 100 or 150-watt patriotic light bulbs, or even lamps fueled with festively glowing chunks of coal."

    "Anything, so long as it's wasteful, polluting or otherwise unsustainable. And that's what the holiday season is all about," Bachmann said.

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    December 2, 2011
    Peppermint spray used against North Pole occupiers

    North Pole authorities are promising a full review today, barely 24 hours after the world was shocked by photographs and smartphone video of North Pole City Elf Squad officers using peppermint spray on peaceful Occupy North Pole protesters.

    "I'm as shocked as all of you, there will be a swift investigation," promised Prime Minister Winston Goldbuckle. Interior Minister Crumpet Silverbuckle is to issue a report by Boxing Day.

    City officials had adopted a tolerance policy since October 28, when sleigh Teamsters, unemployed elves and Clausiversity students first occupied Gingerbread Square with demands for more Santa Workshop jobs, piggybank regulation, lower sugar prices, and an end to Toys R Us corporate personhood.

    But on Thursday there was a shift in the city's hands-off attitude. Saying Gingerbread Square needed to be cleaned, repaired and icing reapplied to the buildings, Mayor Mikie Bloombuckle ordered occupiers and their tents to leave the square.

    At 2pm Santa Time, Elf Squad officers entered the Occupy encampment, kettling protesters with tinsel fencing and forcing them toward Bedford Falls Avenue.

    A large contingent of protesters sat down and began singing carols, but the Elf Squad moved against them, first with candy cane batons, and then military-grade peppermint spray.

    In a scene captured on video and spread virally on YouTube, Lt. Peanut Jinglebuckle peppermint-sprayed Occupiers who were just sitting on the ground in a row, chanting "HELL NO, HO HO HO!"

    Bloombuckle said he ordered removal of the camp because protesters had made Gingerbread Square un-jolly. "Officers were forced to use peppermint spray when the Occupiers threatened them with the third verse of Little Drummer Boy," he said.

    International reaction has been swift. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon condemned the Elf Squad actions, while climate change activist Frosty called for Bloombuckle's resignation.

    However, the severity of peppermint spray is being discounted by some in the punditsphere. "Peppermint spray is a candy, essentially," said Megyn Kelly of Fox News.

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