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Winter 2015

20 Congressman touches 3rd rail & lives
23 Doomsday Groundhog sees shadow

23 Rafael Cruz: First missionary on Mars?

13 Cruz wants USGS to study Earth's core
19 47 senators warn Mother Nature against working with Obama
24 NRA membership promotion

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March 24, 2015
NRA membership promotion

'Win a spot on a Utah firing squad'

(Salt Lake City) The State of Utah and the National Rifle Association today announced a joint agreement under which the NRA would assist the state in carrying out capital punishment.

Speaking at a news conference in the capitol shooting range, formerly the rotunda, Gov. Gary Herbert said the agreement would allow Utah executions to be "Constitutionally humane as well as educational, a good deal for taxpayers, and fun for the whole family."

NRA Utah field director Kate Herbert explained that NRA involvement would enable Utah to offer death row inmates a choice of death by firing squad at no cost to the state. "Firing squad members will be selected at random from people who renew their NRA memberships at the 3 year, $85 level or above," explained Herbert.

"Ammunition will be donated by corporate sponsors. And what's more, one lucky kid enrolled in our youth firearms education program will get to load the real bullet into one of the rifles," she said.

Opponents of the plan quickly filed a motion in state court to block firing squads. "We have asked the court to rule gun deaths are an interesting idea, but it needs more study at the federal level," said Barbara Herbert-Monsanto, attorney for Utah Citizens To Save Lethal Injection, a grassroots organization of death fans. She suggests trying to convince Congress to let the Centers For Disease Control conduct scholarly research into shootings.

District Court Judge James Herbert is expected to rule on the opponents' motion by the end of the week.

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March 19, 2015
47 senators warn Mother Nature against working with Obama

A group of 47 US senators today warned Mother Nature not to get her hopes up over a presidential order cutting the federal government's greenhouse gas emissions by 40 percent.

President Obama's executive order would be complemented by emission reductions by a number of major government suppliers.

But in another open letter written by freshman senator Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas) and posted on his Tumblr, the 47 senators warned the anthropomorphic symbol of Earth that any new reductions made by the US in emission of heat-trapping gases would only last as long as the Obama administration.

"The way the American system works is that the Senate has to approve any changes to reality. Republicans have a very different view of reality than President Obama, we now control Congress, and as far as taking back the White House is concerned let's just say we're measuring the Oval Office drapes. In short, don't get your hopes up," read the letter.

The letter also outlined plans for a future GOP president to 'repeal and replace' the executive order with one banning federal funds from being used for environmental education.

Mother Nature's only comment was to sigh and shrug, causing a 1,200-square mile arctic ice shelf to break off and float into North Atlantic shipping lanes.

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March 13, 2015
Cruz wants USGS to study Earth's core

"Deep underground is where Satan lives"

(Washington) Senate Space & Science Subcommittee chairman Ted Cruz today reminded the director of the US Geological Survey (USGS) of the urgency of studying our planet, especially below the surface.

The remarks by Texas' senior senator come a day after he told NASA Administrator Charles Bolden that the space agency should stick to studying space instead of climate change. "Little boys and girls across America can tell you your core duty is exploring space -- that's what makes them want to grow up to become spacemen and spacewives," Cruz said Thursday.

Today, Cruz named USGS as the federal agency that should take the lead in studying Earth, "especially the lowest reaches of the planet, because deep underground is where Satan lives," said Cruz.

Cruz encouraged USGS Acting Director Suzette Kimball to work with the Border Patrol in devising a way to "strengthen American defenses against Hell, if you want to be confirmed as Director."

Cruz, who took over leadership of the Space & Science panel this year, said his goal is to better optimize the roles of the federal government's activities in science.

"There has to be a clear delineation. NASA's role is to build Death Stars to protect America from space demons, while it is up to the Geological Survey to stop an invasion by Beelzebub," Cruz said.

Cruz further explained that in his view study of the Earth's surface is more properly the jurisdiction of the US Chamber of Commerce, "all Koch brothers agree on this."

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Febuary 23, 2015
Rafael Cruz: First missionary on Mars?

Rafael Cruz has an out-of-this-world dream: the Texas pastor hopes to become the first Christian missionary on another world.

"Someone in the Bible told someone else to 'go forth and multiply.' Well I take that to include everywhere in the universe, and I think a great first step would be Mars," said Cruz, leader of Purifying Fire Ministries.

Cruz said he has been meaning to take some time off from Purifying Fire, "and you can't get further away than Mars given our current level of technology."

Most would think Cruz's dream a crazy one, but it actually has a good chance of happening: his son is Ted Cruz, the Republican junior senator from Texas, who holds the NASA budget in the palm of his hand as chairman of the Subcommittee on Science, Space, and Competitiveness.

"We would love to have Rafael Cruz on board Orion," said NASA spokesman Dr. Len Nimoy, referring to the agency's planned Orion mission to the red planet.

"We have a team inventing a hypersleep chamber so that Pastor Cruz won't bother the crew during the seven month flight from Earth," explained Nimoy.

"Once on Mars, we could send him out on one of the base's autonomous rovers, and he would be free to travel the entire planet, proselytizing or whatever," Nimoy said.

Orion had been slated to happen by 2035 at the earliest, but the participation by both Cruzes could generate enthusiasm -- and funding -- for the mission to occur much earlier.

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January 23, 2015
Doomsday Groundhog sees shadow

"So nothing to worry about," Bush says

(Dallas) Climate change and nuclear proliferation may have caused the 'Doomsday Clock' to be reset to only 3 minutes to Apocalypse, but a cuter, furry forecaster begs to differ.

According to the 'Doomsday Groundhog,' the Planet Earth still has lots of life left in it.

This morning, the George W. Bush Presidential Library & Museum held its first Doomsday Groundhog Day Festival Sponsored By Koch Industries, a new counter-event meant to downplay the impact of the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists' often pessimistic 65-year old clock.

Katrina, a two-year old groundhog, was pulled from her undisclosed location on the Bush Library's campus in an invitation-only ceremony. After a moment's observation by Katrina's handler, former FEMA administrator Michael D. "Brownie" Brown, the verdict was read.

"Katrina saw her shadow, so nothing to worry about for the next twelve months," announced George W. Bush. The American people should go shopping, the former president said.

Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan jetted in from Davos to see Doomsday Groundhog Day, accompanied by his family and retinue. "I really appreciate that a fun, wholesome event like this exists for the One Percent to take our children," said Moynihan.

"Nothing beats a cute animal. What do the 99 Percent have to offer? An Occupy sit-in? I don't think so," he said.

Moynihan added that the Doomsday Groundhog's annual prediction cycle fits perfectly with corporate focus on short term profits.

Archive: (2008) World Ends - Bush accidentally sets Doomsday Clock ahead 1 hour

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January 20, 2015
Congressman touches third rail & lives

News Roundup

Congressman touches third rail & lives
A Republican congressman is insisting he wasn't worried about his safety when he touched the third rail of US politics, proposing cuts to Social Security, as part of a bar bet. Rep. Sam Johnson of Texas, the new Ways and Means chairman, collected $10 from each of the other Republican committee members after he touched Social Security Disability and was not electrocuted. "What those guys didn't know is that deadly high voltage no longer flows through the third rail due to decades of Congress neglecting infrastructure funding," explained Johnson.

Mitt & Jeb less popular
The public has a worse view of Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney, reveals a new NBC News poll released today. Romney's favorability is 27%, down from 32% in November 2014, while 19% view Bush favorably, down from 26%. The potential candidates for the 2016 Republican nomination say their new trickle-down marketing campaigns just need more time to work; both vow to pour more money into messaging aimed at persuading themselves to officially declare their candidacies.

Seahawks player celebrates
Following his team's 28-22 victory over Green Bay Sunday that sent the Seahawks back to the Super Bowl, Seattle Seahawks defensive end Michael Bennett jumped on a handy police mountain bike and took a celebratory lap around CenturyLink Field. He was not wearing a helmet, reported the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. A Seattle Police SWAT team sealed off the stadium after a bike patrol officer radioed that his bike had been "stolen by a large African American man, possibly wearing gang colors." Everything was straightened out, and Bennett was released after being handcuffed on the sideline for only one and a half hours.

New Paris no-go zone
Residents of Rue Cler in Paris' 7th Arrondisement are relieved today after their popular neighborhood was declared a 'no-go zone' by Fox News. "Thank god, maybe now the tourists will stay away, and I'll be able to go outside without having an American try to take a selfie with me," said Robert LeClerc, an actuary whose apartment is above the picturesque Top Halles fruit and vegetable market. A Paris tourism official says the no-go zone would be added to the 2016 edition of Rick Steve's popular France guidebook.

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There are 3 comments
April 19, 2016 - 02:57

Great blog.

April 19, 2016 - 02:55


April 19, 2016 - 02:52

Nice post.

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