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Jan-Feb 2013

January
1 #LiquidateFreedomGroup
9 NRA - White House meeting conflicted with solemn anniversary
14 "No liberal bias" at NC city's newest restaurant
22 NRA says guns are creating manufacturing jobs
28 Phil Gingrey- 'Female reproductive system a series of tubes like Internet'

February
1 NRA seeking sponsors for 'Free & Subsidized School Lunch & Gun'
6 Modified family leave moves forward
12 State Of The Nugent
21 Days numbered at Fox, CBN?
25 Racism sank Confederate submarine

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February 25, 2013
Racism sank Confederate submarine

Slaves refused to sit in the back

The first submarine to sink another ship was done in by slavery, say scholars studying the Confederate submarine H.L. Hunley. Recovered in 2000, it is being studied by a team at The South Shall Rise Again Naval Museum in Charleston, South Carolina.

The eight-seat submarine went missing in February 17, 1864, shortly after its torpedo blew up the Union ship U.S.S. Housatonic in Charleston Harbor.

"The Hunley was supposed to move a safe distance away before the explosion. What happened to them has been a mystery," explained the museum's Prof. Robert E. Buoyed.

Unfortunately for the Confederates, Buoyed believes they chose this moment to enforce the South's cultural tradition of white superiority. "The biggest clues were the signs marking seats in the front of the Hunley for 'Whites Only,' while seats in the back were labeled 'Coloreds'."

The Hunley's manifest listed one and one-fifths of the crewmembers as African American slaves. But they were found sitting in the front of the boat, not in the back where they were supposed to operate the hand-cranked propeller.

"The slaves were sitting on a front bench, arms folded, surrounded by the six white sailors. We can only conclude the sailors wanted the slaves to move to the back of the sub, but they refused," said Buoyed.

"Having everyone gathered in the front caused the boat to go nose-down. With no one turning the propeller, the Hunley was not far enough away from the Housatonic when the torpedo exploded," he said.

Buoyed added that the Hunley was difficult enough to maneuver under normal circumstances: "There was a lot of extra weight due to being equipped with two drinking fountains and two toilets."

In a related story, the NAACP issued a proclamation today honoring the H.L. Hunley's African American crewmembers, crediting them with being "the first people to sink an enemy submarine."

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February 21, 2013
Days numbered at Fox, CBN?

TV not mentioned in Bible

A white paper from an influential Amish think tank may spell doom for broadcasters who count on conservative Christians for a large part of their viewership.

"There is simply no Biblical basis for television," Zachariah Frandle of the Scrapple Institute said yesterday, about the organization's new report, Thou Shalt Not Watch.

The dramatic findings follow more than a decade of intense Bible study. "There are many instances of visions in the Bible, but no televisions. TV just isn't in there," Frandle said.

Such restrictions don't apply to Mideast-based channels, such as Aljazeera and its upcoming Aljazeera America, he added, "since my reading of the Quran shows it accurately prophesied Gilligan's Island."

This morning Rev. Pat Robertson was not available for comment as he remained in emergency discussions with senior advisors about the future of his Christian Broadcasting Network.

And overnight ratings for Fox dropped 80% last night after the network aired a report about the white paper.

Meanwhile, Trinity Broadcasting said it will shut down its HDTV studios in Santa Ana, California, replacing programming with religious tracts written on animal hides -- "Just like Adam wrote his first fundraising letter on," said Trinity co-founder Paul Crouch.

Frandle did have some good news for Christian broadcasters on radio: "The Bible does permit audio broadcasting, as long as radios are shaped like the Ark of the Covenant, through which God spoke to the Israelites."

It would be a simple matter to design such radios, according to Frandle. "We know roughly what the Ark looked like and how big it was, even though it was lost thousands of years ago -- which would make them radios of the lost Ark," he said.

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February 12, 2013
State Of The Nugent

Guide to watching Ted Nugent watching State Of The Union 2013

Rep. Steve Stockman has invited rocker Ted Nugent to be his guest at tonight's State Of The Union address by President Obama. As a service to viewers, Fox News has created a State Of The Nugent system: these color-coded pictograms will appear in the upper right corner of the screen, alerting Fox viewers to changes in the Motor City Madman's mood as he watches the president's address.

1. GREEN - "Calm Ted." This is likely to last only until Obama reaches the rostrum.
2. YELLOW - "Befuddled Ted." Still confused at the sight of a black president.
3. ORANGE - "AgitaTed." Thinks Obama just seized the Means Of Production.
4. RED - "Full-on Rebel Yell Ted." Ready to don the gray uniform and lead the rebellion.

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February 6, 2013
Modified family leave moves forward

Liberal families must leave E. Wash.

(Olympia) A Senate committee yesterday approved changes that would finally fund a 2007 family leave law, although with some modifications.

The never-funded law was written to provide parents of new children with paid leave for five weeks. But Tuesday's Senate Benign Neglect Committee vote on SB-5292 modifies the 2007 law by requiring liberal families leave eastern Washington.

The committee also added a provision to fund the renamed Families Leave Act with a $500 fee on families relocated under the law.

A committee spokesman said liberals who can't afford the fee would be eligible for a relocation grant from the Miami-based David Hoffman Travel Foundation.

Reached by mobile phone at her district office in Ritzville, SB-5292 sponsor Sen. Veronica Medical-Lake said the original law failed to account for the innate differences between the east and west sides of the state. "Everyone is going to be a lot better off with these reforms. It's too hot and dry over here for moist types from Seattle," said Medical-Lake.

She denied the measure amounts to persecution of Seattle. "I have nothing against Seattle, some of my favorite tax revenues are from Seattle," insisted Medical-Lake.

Sen. Rodney Tom (D-48), leader of the Bipartisan Majority Republican Caucus that controls the Washington State Senate, said he expected easy passage by the full Senate, "because me and my blood brother Tim Sheldon always dance with the ones that brung us."

"Finally, the state is going to be able to deliver on family leave. This is what I meant when I said I am socially liberal," Tom declared.

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February 1, 2013
NRA seeking sponsors for 'Free & Subsidized School Lunch & Gun' program

Declaring that too many American children remain unprotected, National Rifle Association Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre went back to Capitol Hill today with a new school safety initiative.

LaPierre told a Senate hearing on gun violence the NRA wants Congress to expand the federal school lunch program by adding guns.

The new legislation would convert the federal program into the Free & Subsidized School Lunch & Gun Program. Cafeteria lunches would include an 'a la cartridge' menu with choices of handguns, shotguns and rifles.

"I don't know how we can expect our children to do well in school if they have to start each day unarmed," said LaPierre. He unveiled a campaign poster of a diverse group of elementary school children packing heat, under the words Put A Little Lead In Your Kid's Lunch.

"Childhood malarmament, the severe lack of Vitamins U, S and A, is a longstanding public health problem. But if we can make this into law, I hope to see our youth fully armed in my lifetime," he said.

LaPierre went on to demand that guns get the same treatment as food. "Taxpayers have been subsidizing school lunches, but not guns? Lunch doesn't have an amendment in the Constitution," he observed.

Some senators expressed reservations. "How does this relate to nutrition, which is what the school lunch program is supposed to be about?" asked Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL).

LaPierre replied that assault rifles can be equipped with banana clips, "which is a fruit."

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January 28, 2013
Phil Gingrey- 'Female reproductive system a series of tubes like Internet'

Uterus has natural firewall

Congressman Phil Gingrey of Georgia today clarified his 2 week old statement that "Todd Akin was right" about rape and pregnancy.

Akin, the failed Republican senate candidate from Missouri, claimed in the weeks leading up to the November 2012 election that trauma of what he termed "legitimate" rape causes a woman's reproductive system to shut down.

According to Akin, such situational infertility obviates the need for anti-abortion legislation to include exceptions for rape.

Gingrey, a medical doctor specializing in obstetrics and misogynocology, bases his defense of Akin on groundbreaking research by the late Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska.

"Senator Stevens was an amateur misogynocologist, and he explained to me his theory of how women's babymaking parts work," said Gingrey.

"Ted said the female reproductive system is a series of tubes like the Internet."

"When someone attacks your PC over the internet, your firewall blocks it. Well it's the same with women. A natural firewall prevents rape babies, so Akin was right," he explained.

Gingrey went on to say that if a woman claims pregnancy from rape, it follows that she must have willingly lowered her firewall.

"Therefore my conscience tells me I'm right to continue to oppose a woman's right to reformat her womb, no exceptions," Gingrey said.

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January 22, 2013
NRA says guns are creating manufacturing jobs

The National Rifle Association warned today of devastating economic repercussions if new gun control laws are enacted.

NRA spokesman Wade LePew said unrestricted sales and possession of guns is responsible for a large part of economic recovery. He said a good example is Spread Eagle Fabricating, a manufacturing startup in Westmost, North Carolina.

"Spread Eagle is on the bleeding edge of what is already being called Grief 2.0, a revitalization of the memoriam industry. And it's possible only because America has free access to guns," said LePew.

Spread Eagle, which opened for business on New Year's Eve 2012, has just one product. "We make flagpoles that fly the flag no higher than half-staff," explained CEO Gunnar Nutt.

"I noticed right after Newtown that American flags are always at half-staff because there's a mass shooting almost every day. I realized America has succeeded in making flagpoles with rope that goes all the way to the top obsolete."

By not having flags go all the way to the top, Nutt says he is able to undercut the prices of foreign-made poles because Spread Eagle poles only need half as much rope and hoisting hardware.

"I'm just thankful to live in the free-est country in the world. Let foreign countries with less liberty keep making flagpoles that fly flags at the top," he said.

Nutt said he is working with the NRA on Spread Eagle's second planned product, a semiautomatic assault flagpole that shoots bullets out the top.

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January 14, 2013
"No liberal bias" at NC city's newest restaurant

(Westmost) A new restaurant in this North Carolina community is promoting itself as focused on the family.

Owner M.F. Nutt says he opened his new Eagle's American-American Family Restaurant (3006 James Earl Ray Boulevard, Westmost. $$, Tue-Sun, dinner. Gold, silver and Bitcoin only.) to serve "patriotic Christian families who want down-home American cooking shoved down their throats, not dangerous foreign ideas."

Nutt said he and his wife, Shirley A. Nutt, decided to open Eagle's when they noticed Westmost's lack of American dining choices.

"All the other restaurants in town have a multicultural, liberal bias -- Chinese-American food, Italian-American food, Mexican-American food," said Mr. Nutt, 43.

"My wife said even McDonald's is Scottish, and Burger King is wrong for a democracy. That's when we decided what this town needs is a restaurant that serves American-American food," he said.

Everything about Eagle's has been created to showcase what the Nutts call center-right dining values. No foreign words are allowed on the English-only menu. For example, lasagna is renamed Layered Casserole With Meatsauce & Cheese. And there is no footnote from the health department warning about undercooked foods.

"Raw meat is how the good lord made it," Shirley Nutt explained.

Signs in the main dining room inform diners of the various house rules. 'Each party is required to say grace before eating,' is prominently posted, as is 'Our homosexual guests are lovingly asked to pray the gay away.'

There is a large shooting range out back suitable for child birthday parties (patriotic messages like 'Ban Gay Marriage, Not Guns' are printed on helium balloons), and servers are coached to remind customers of the 'kids from conception to 10 years old eat free' policy.

But the Nutts stress that while they are trying to force their beliefs on others, it's with a sense of humor. "My sister Big Lil and my wife designed the waitstaff uniforms, t-shirts that say 'Tell an A-rab About Jesus Today' on the front, and 'Liberal? Enjoy Your Meal, The Spit Is On The House' on the back," Mr. Nutt said.

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January 9, 2013
NRA - White House meeting conflicted with solemn anniversary

The National Rifle Association sent only a mailroom intern to Wednesday's White House meeting on gun violence, explaining it conflicted with the anniversary of the 2011 Tucson, Arizona tragedy in which Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and 18 others were shot, six fatally.

"(NRA President) David Keene would have loved to go to the White House, but he'd rather spend the day remembering the victims of Tucson and soliciting donations," said NRA spokesman Wade LePew.

"Frankly, the NRA is shocked the Obama Administration would disrepect the victims and their loved ones by scheduling the meeting on the same day as this solemn observance," said LePew.

"Such days are not the times for political discussions," he said.

LePew added that the NRA's senior leadership remains open to meeting on another day, however, "every day is the anniversary of some kind of gun related tragedy, so the chance of identifying a mutually agreeable date is pretty remote. We wish them luck with that, though," LePew said.

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January 1, 2013
#LiquidateFreedomGroup

This blog rarely breaks format, but I'm putting the jokes on hold today in order to comment on the issue that is most on the minds of the American people -- gun control. Specifically, the real need to ban civilian possession of military-style weapons.

Lots of people already own such weapons. Those that are used criminally will gradually be scooped up, after causing more unspeakable tragedies. By the way, I've never heard of a massacre being stopped by a person armed with an assault rifle. Or a rifle. Or a handgun.

Guns used in crimes will eventually fall into the possession of the authorities. It's a big challenge, it will take time, and more blood. The 4th Amendment will probably prevent anything faster.

But we can make a start on the supply end. And maybe it can happen soon.

As a result of publicity surrounding the Newtown shootings, the Freedom Group -- over a dozen gun makers, including Bushmaster, the rifle used by Adam Lanza -- is being put up for sale by owner Cerberus Capital Management.1 I have heard Cerberus could realize a $100 million gain on its investment.

But the size of the profit is less important than the fact that Bushmaster and the other companies in Freedom Group will still exist, churning out guns for new owners. Why should we settle for that?

The publicity of Newtown shamed Cerberus into selling Freedom Group, and that shame should also prevent anyone else from buying it.

Hear me, people of cyberspace. Any company that thinks about buying any part of Freedom Group must be made aware that if they make such a deal, a shitstorm of public hatred and ridicule will rain down upon them.

We must make Freedom Group look toxic to potential buyers -- a hot potato with Bubonic Plague. Potential buyers need to know they're not buying a company, they're buying Newtown, and Aurora, and Cafe Racer, and Virginia Tech, and all the senseless mass shootings that have occurred while the gun industry and its lobby stood by and did nothing while raking in the money.

Pension fund managers -- threaten to divest stock of any company that buys Freedom Group.

The Freedom Group sale must be written and talked about, buyers must be scared off. I want Cerberus to have only one option: #LiquidateFreedomGroup. Sell the equipment; lock the doors; shut it down.

Thanks for your attention. Happy New Year, and now back to the jokes.

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