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Mar-Apr 2013

March
4 McDonnell wants to rename state 'Transvaginia'
8 Creationists in uproar over 'witch' fossil
15 More gays supporting right of Republicans to marry
18 Reince Priebus says GOP will reach out to younger voters with new Hate App
22 NRA school safety program
26 Italian court rules Amanda Knox must stand trial in Julius Caesar case

April
1 Greening the right
8 Paywall to be erected around North Korea
12 Kim Jong Un sends Kate Upton adorbs date request
15 Rubio - Immigration reform could be revenue goldmine
19 CNN commissions skintone palette from Glidden
22 Dispose of Reinhart-Rogoff paper responsibly

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April 22, 2013
Dispose of Reinhart-Rogoff paper responsibly

Earth Day 2013

Prominent economists Kenneth Rogoff and Carmen Reinhart took to the airwaves this morning, the 43rd annual Earth Day, to talk about the environmental component of their work on fiscal austerity.

"We know that everyone is getting rid of our paper, Growth In A Time Of Debt. But what economists and government officials need to remember is to dispose of it properly," Reinhart said today on MSNBC's Morning Joke.

Rogoff stressed the importance of litter prevention, explaining that new data shows their discredited paper, claiming recession is caused by too much debt, accounting for over 30% of litter collected along highways and shorelines thus far in Earth Month 2013. "This is solid data from the EPA and the Sierra Club, we had nothing to do with the calculations on this one," he said.
Reinhart and Rogoff set an example.

"So you would encourage fiscal policymakers to reduce, reuse and recycle?" inquired Morning Joke cohost Mika Brzezinski.

"Well, reduce certainly, but we don't recommend anyone recycling this particular paper," said Rogoff.

"Oh, no, that would be bad, best to just toss it," echoed Reinhart, adding that Growth In A Time Of Debt should not be handled by pregnant women and children under 6 years of age.

Federal guidelines have been issued on how to deal with Growth In A Time Of Debt. When workers at landfills and recycling facilities spot a copy of the paper, it is to be removed from the waste stream, placed in a sealed container, and shipped to one of ten regional Office of Management & Budget hazardous material repositories.

While politically radioactive, Growth In A Time Of Debt has a relatively short half-life. Reinhart and Rogoff told Brzezinski it will become inert by 2015, when it can be sold as fertilizer.

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April 19, 2013
CNN commissions skintone palette from Glidden

Stung by negative reactions t one of its on-air personalities describing a suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing as 'a dark-skinned male,' CNN today announced it is working with color experts at Glidden to devise an uncontroversial skintone palette.

"CNN regrets the use of the term 'dark-skinned male', an imprecise label which added nothing to the reporting," said network spokesman Leary Southie, referring to Wednesday's live coverage by anchor John King, who is a winter.

"We want to make sure we get our coverage right in the future, so for help we're turning to the good people at Glidden," said Southie. He said the well-known paint company has agreed to apply its decades of color experience to creation of a scientifically accurate color palette for describing people in the news.

"What we're hoping for is an AP Stylebook of skin color," Southie said.

A Glidden official said the company is happy to lend its expertise to the problem. "Nothing is as disappointing for me, as a color person, as when I turn on the TV and hear a reporter describe a person as dark-skinned, say, when Ground Nutmeg or Afternoon Tea would have been more accurate," said Dr. Hugh Tinto, Director of Research and Development.

Tinto said he plans to use color sensing equipment on a large sample of skintones, "probably thousands of individuals, both real people as well as photos of people." The result will probably be a palette of at least 100 skin colors.

It will then be up to Glidden's Creative Division to design names for the colors. Glidden Art Director Joan Brush said names should aptly suggest each color, but must be race and culture neutral. "A good name for tan, well-bronzed skin might be 'Boehrange.' But for pale sunburned skin we would prefer a name like 'Southern Fried,' and never something charged like 'Redneck,' Brush said.

CNN should receive swatches next week.

In a related story, Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) said today that he has seen photos of the Boston bombing suspects, and to him "they look Muslin."

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April 15, 2013
Rubio - Immigration reform could be revenue goldmine

In another sign that he is weighing a possible 2016 run for the White House, Sen. Marco Rubio took to the Sunday news shows to promote the immigration reform plan being drafted by the so-called Senate 'Gang of Eight.'

Not only does the plan require payment of fines and back taxes by undocumented aliens, but once they gain official status they will have to keep paying.

Aliens who receive legal status would have to pay fees for every interaction with the federal government, including the filing of application forms, undergoing a background check, receiving ID cards, and legal hearings. They will also owe entry and exit fees for visits to US government buildings, such as Post Offices.

Filing fees would even be required when paying federal taxes.

"What we're proposing are just incentives for them to get multiple jobs and work even harder," Rubio explained yesterday on ABC's This Week.

One aspect of Rubio's plan is sure to be controversial. Called Adopt-A-Citizen, every legalized alien will be matched with an American citizen in the top income tax bracket. A legalized alien would be required to help pay that American's taxes in order to maintain residency.

"Look, there may be millions of people willing to pay to work in the US, and we need ways to reduce the deficit," said Rubio.

"If we can tax millions of foreigners who don't have the right to vote, then I say we tap this potential goldmine while we have the chance," he said.

Florida's junior senator bristled at any suggestion that he is anti-immigrant.

"I've got no problem with immigrants -- heck, my family immigrated over a dozen times from Cuba," he said later on NBC's Meet The Press.

The National Rifle Association announced it is supporting the bill because it does not restrict the ability of undocumented aliens to buy or possess guns.

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April 12, 2013
Kim Jong Un sends Kate Upton adorbs date request

This could be a busy year for Sports Illustrated model Kate Upton. On the heels of receiving a YouTube invitation from a Los Angeles-area high school student asking her to be his date to the prom, the reigning queen of the Swimsuit Issue could be a peacemaker: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, 17, has posted a video on YouTube asking Upton to go with him to the big launch party for his new medium range nuclear ballistic missile.

In the video Kim reviews troops, refines uranium, and cooks a gourmet meal -- set to the theme from Game Of Thrones. "Kate, join me to witness my country's latest defiance of western imperialism. You'd make me the happiest boy on earth."

"It'll be the biggest social event in Pyongyang this spring," promised Kim Khim Kim, partner in the Pyongyang marketing firm DPR&K which is putting together the apres blastoff celebrations.

For his part, Kim Jong Un is hopeful that Upton will say yes. "I've dated a lot of supermodels, but Kate Upton is really special, someone who could be a mother-demigoddess to millions of peasants," gushed the young head of state.

Kim stressed that proceeds from the launch celebrations will benefit North Korea's largest charity, the Kim Jong Un Makes A Wish Foundation. "Kate Upton can do a lot of good for North Korea if she goes out with me," he said.

Through a spokesman, Upton said she will let Kim know her decision as soon as the exact launch day is announced. "We'll be keeping our eye on the Global Threat Assessment Map at Supermodel Command," the spokesman said.

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April 8, 2013
Paywall to be erected around North Korea

Kim Jong Un today confounded the countries pressuring North Korea to curtail its nuclear ambitions, announcing his reclusive nation will replace its iron curtain with a paywall beginning May 1.

In future all those wishing access to North Korean representatives for purposes of tourism, diplomatic exchanges and commercial trade -- beyond a limited number of free visits per month -- will have to purchase a monthly subscription.

Kim Jong Un, 17, told Kathie Lee & Hoda on the Today Show that his new pay system is "a long overdue step toward modernization," necessitated by the changing economics of Stalinist dictatorships.

"It seems like not long ago most continents had at least two xenophobic dictatorships, now North Korea is the last in Asia," said Kim.

How things have changed. Kim's grandfather Kim Il Sung nearly created a North-South Korea joint operating agreement in 1950. His strongman-style rule became a hot commodity and was copied by North Vietnam, Cambodia, and China's Cultural Revolution.

But today Pyongyang's 'Dear New Leader' professes to wanting "a new kind of isolation."

"I'm as much of a narcissist as my dad, and his dad, but saber rattling by itself doesn't pay for uranium and rocket fuel," Kim recently told Maxim.

"The paywall means North Korea will no longer be giving away crazy for free," he said today. In addition to a $1 million monthly subscription, there will also be a $50,000 day pass and an $11 million 'Annual Super Saver.'

Kim touts the annual subscription as "a terrific value, offering a year of unlimited access for just the price of a latte every 10 seconds."

Meanwhile, the announcement has touched off a worldwide scramble, with governments and tourists rushing to visit, phone, email, and videoconference with North Korea before May 1.

"Looks like I took my vacation at the right time," said former NBA star Dennis Rodman, who holidayed on North Korea's renowned Kimchi Coast in March.

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EARTH MONTH - April 1, 2013
Greening the right

GOP observing first annual Flat Earth Month

Reince Priebus announced today the Republican Party will be seeking to raise awareness about environmental issues during April.

But while environmentalists of the center and left are celebrating the 33rd Earth Month, Priebus, the GOP chairman, wants conservatives to observe the first ever Flat Earth Month.

The monthlong initiative is the latest in Priebus's efforts to rebrand the party's messaging.

"Flat Earth Month puts a whole new spin on how Republicans talk about our environmental positions. We want 47% of Americans to know you can't spell conservation without conservative, with an additional o, and an n as well," said Priebus.

Each week of Flat Earth Month will see Republicans highlight a different environmental topic:

Litter. This will be the focus of April 1-8. Priebus said petroleum-based plastic litter is of great concern, explaining: "We need to increase plastic litter so it will be absorbed back into the ground, creating oil deposits to be found by future generations."

Forests. Rising Republican star Ed Orcutt, a legislator from Washington state, will tour the country speaking about healthy forests. "Ed has an exciting viewpoint that burning coal and driving your car are green things to do. The emissions give plants and trees more carbon dioxide to breathe," Priebus said.

Species. Former Fox News contributor Sarah Palin will push for eliminating protections for predators like cougars and wolves to aid the survival of prey species because, noted Priebus, "praying is one of our central values."

Energy. The GOP will conclude the month with Michele Bachmann promoting continued use of incandescent light bulbs. Priebus said artificially high demand for electricity will act as an incentive for corporations to develop alternative energy sources. "We're all about corporate incentives," Priebus said.

To that end, Priebus said he hopes to make increasing dependency on foreign sources of solar energy a top campaign issue in the 2014 midterm elections.

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March 26, 2013
Italian court rules Amanda Knox must stand trial in Julius Caesar case

Italy's highest appeals court has ordered Amanda Knox to stand trial in the 44 BC murder of Julius Caesar.

Caesar's body was found in the Roman Senate in 44 BC, stabbed multiple times. While the crime has been commonly blamed on a cabal of senators led by Brutus, many fingers were pointed at Knox beginning in 2007, when the American exchange student went on trial in the death of roommate Meredith Kercher.

Although convicted in Kercher's death, the conviction was set aside in 2011, and she was never charged in the Caesar case. In the new ruling, the appeals court said the lower court failed to consider evidence linking Knox to Caesar's assassination:

  • There is no DNA evidence not linking Knox to the crime scene.
  • Witnesses came forward who claimed Knox had read Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar," and was "obsessed" with acting in a high school production of the work.
  • Police say a timeline of events surrounding the crime places Knox on a tour of the site of the Senate in early 2007 - within less than two billion minutes of the assassination.

By and large the Italian public is welcoming the trial. A poll commissioned by the public affairs TV show Stripping Housewives reported 54% believe Knox killed Caesar and Kercher, while another 30% say Knox was the villain in "The Da Vinci Code."

Retired civil servant Silvio Berlusconi says he hopes to meet Knox and take her to Capri for a romantic weekend.

The trial will be held at the appeals court in Florence. The famed city is expecting a big publicity and economic boost, with tabloid journalists already booking hotel reservations. Tomorrow a city committee will meet at the Palazzo Vecchio to consider a request to burn Knox at the stake in front of the palazzo, at same the spot in the Piazza della Signoria where Girolamo Savonarola was so honored in 1498.

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March 22, 2013
NRA school safety program

Teaches kids camouflage techniques

National Rifle Association board member Ted Nugent rolled out a new initiative to protect schoolchildren today, a plan he says combines constitutionality with self-responsibility.

Speaking at NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia, Nugent said the real problem with school shootings is not guns. "The problem is that kids are big juicy targets, especially the fat ones," said Nugent, the 70s-era rocker.

"Since it's unconstitutional to keep guns out of schools, I've created the Take Cover program, a way for schools to help kids avoid being wounded by teaching them how to camouflage and otherwise hide themselves," he said.

Nugent explained he got the idea recently while loitering around a traveling carnival in a Walmart parking lot, and saw the facepainting booth. "The little kids love facepainting! I thought, why not paint them in camouflage patterns, so shooters can't see them?"

Community Calendar
The NRA is holding a fun workshop for kids, "How to dig a foxhole," Saturday 11 am at the Charlton Heston Arts Center; $10.

He said in addition to camouflage, schools need to provide more opportunities for kids to find cover inside and around school. "What schools need to do is lay in sandbags, plant a lot of broadleaf foliage, erect blast walls, and scatter steel shipping containers around the playgrounds. Principals need to think in terms of camps instead of campuses," Nugent said.

Finally, Nugent wants schools to incorporate evasive maneuvers into physical education programs. "Wouldn't it be great if our children could learn to dodge bullets like in The Matrix? I also want to see millions of kids running around at recess screaming 'Serpentine!' like Peter Falk and Alan Arkin in The In-Laws," he said.

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March 18, 2013
Reince Priebus says GOP will reach out to younger voters with new Hate App

RNC chairman Reince Priebus took to the stage at Conservative Political Action Conference yesterday to release results of a months-long review of what went wrong in the GOP's failed 2012 effort to win the White House.

Priebus told the CPAC audience that Republicans failed to appeal to many younger voters and ethnic minorities. "Our 2012 vote was basically a mirror of what I'm seeing here today -- old and white," said Priebus.

Priebus said the conclusion is that the party "needs to get with-it for 2016."

"If we are to avoid losing a fourth national election in a row we need to think outside the box and find new and exciting outreach methods," he said.

Priebus said he is particularly intrigued by an experimental smartphone app for delivering the Republican message. "Just look around, you can see the future is in the mobile web -- which explains why our hate ads on TV and radio underperformed. But with a GOP Hate App, young voters will be able to download hate directly to their iPhone or Android devices," Priebus said.

In recognition of Republican difficulty in attracting ethnic minorities, Priebus also revealed that the Hate App will have versions for Spanish and Oriental speakers.
+
Reince Priebus shows off the Republican Party's new Hate App for BlackBerry 10.

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March 15, 2013
More gays supporting right of Republicans to marry

Surveys show most gay people still think Republicans shouldn't be allowed to reproduce, but now a leading gay rights organization has decided to extend a hand of tolerance.

Thomas O. Finland, President of Americans Demanding A More Sexually Tolerant & Equal Vision of Equality (ADAMSTEVE), says it's time to move on from the old attitudes. "For too long Republicans have been defined only as flaunting their patriarchal, procreative lifestyle in the tabloid press, not to mention voter information pamphlets," said Finland, 39.

This summer the 1.5 million-member group will organize wedding services businesses into a national tolerance campaign. "We want to remind the wedding industrial complex that even though Republican weddings may be less grand and less exciting than gay weddings, the marriages themselves can be just as boring, tedious and fraught with difficulties as ours. That's the true meaning of marriage equality," Finland said.

"Both sides think their way is the best, but really we're all the same. Republicans will never admit this, so if we want to get along, gays have to make the first move and extend the hand of tolerance," he said.

Finland knows ADAMSTEVE has a big task ahead. And he acknowledges he is no different from the many LGBT who remain uncomfortable with the idea of Republican relationships. "The thought of what they do with each other, I can't get the image out of my mind," he admits.

"But the fact remains that Republicans are human beings and we ought to let them marry. And it's better than having them recruit our children."

Finland also wants to teach Republicans about monogamy and traditional marriage, to help them gain mainstream acceptance. "It's up to the gay community to set an example by living our beliefs, eventually Republicans will see fidelity is the best policy," said Finland.

"Find the person you're meant to be with -- regardless of gender -- and settle down. Stop pursuing empty encounters with lobbyists, parishioners, patients and daughters of Senate colleagues," he said.

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March 8, 2013
Creationists in uproar over 'witch' fossil

(Westmost, NC) A local woman who discovered a rock she has been using as a doorstop is really a priceless 450 million year old fossil is now worried about the fossil's safety.

Local television station WKKK reported last week on Jane Frandle, who has used the 10 pound rock to prop open her bathroom door since finding it in her yard.

"I took it to the geology department at the junior college, and they said it's fossilized coral, a real piece of history," Frandle told WKKK's Graham Wizzard.

But not everyone in this western North Carolina community is comfortable with the revelation. Today the Westmost Caucasian newspaper reported Frandle has gone into hiding due to receiving threatening phone calls about the fossil.

"These people calling, they're saying the Lord made the Earth only five or six thousand years ago," said Frandle. She said she moved to an undisclosed location after a neighbor to whom she was showing the fossil attempted to burn it.

"Shirley Nutt, God-fearing woman that she is, started yelling the rock comes from witchcraft, and threw it in my fireplace. Luckily it wasn't damaged."

The incident touched off a wave of anti-rock sentiment in town, culminating in a City Hall rally last Saturday at which several hundred Westmorons called on the city council to ban rocks from schools and Westmost radio station WTF, the community's only non-talk station.

The controversy could even be having an effect on the local economy. Clarissa Smith, who owns a landscaping business in town, says requests for boulders, river rock and shale have dropped 70%. "Customers say they now want Creation-friendly artificial rocks that are really solar lights or hide-a-keys. OK, but what am I supposed to do with my rock inventory? I'll have to put it all back in the ground," said Smith.

But Dino Sinclair said business at his gas station at Jesse Street & Helms Avenue has not been affected. "Fossil fuels are different, because everyone knows god put them in the ground such that they only seem millions of years old," Sinclair said.

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March 4, 2013
McDonnell wants to rename state 'Transvaginia'

(Richmond) Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell took what could be the defining act of his administration today, introducing a bill in the House of Delegates to change the name of his state to Transvaginia.

"This is a very sound proposal, some would say ultra sound," said McDonnell, 58.

"I ran on my vagina policy, and this is my way of showing the people of Virginia I remain laser-focused on vaginas," he said.

McDonnell said the new name was selected by the Geography Department of Regent University. "Vaginas are the number one priority of conservative Christians. Transvaginia means literally 'the land concerned about all things vaginal'," McDonnell said.

The Republican governor said the bill if enacted would substitute State of Transvaginia for Commonwealth of Virginia on all official documents, flags and signage beginning in 2016. "Commonwealth sounds too much like communist anyway," McDonnell told the Washington Times.

McDonnell's bill also changes or modifies other official state ephemera. The state song would be 'Transvaginia 6-5000.' And the state motto would be a still-familiar 'Vaginia is for lovers.'

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