The County has until February 22, 2007 to adopt a revised ordinance that adequately protects its shoreline and wetlands resources.

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A special 15-day session of Congress is coming up, here with some predictions is our own Tim Snide, returning with his regular feature The Slam Book^® Goes to Washington. Tim?

Thanks. Here's what I'm getting from my crystal ball.

Abortion. In a last ditch appeal to his base, Sen. Rick Santorum will introduce a bill to award posthumous Purple Hearts to all Blastocyst-Americans who have given their lives in the War Against Medical Progress.

Unemployment. The Labor Department will report that unemployment surged in the 2nd quarter. It will report that the increase is due to the number of people who resigned from Rep. Katherine Harris's senate campaign.

Government Reform. The unnamed Senator who has placed a Secret Hold on the Obama-Coburn open government bill will be revealed: Senator Holy Spirit (R-Heaven), who is not so much secret as moves in mysterious ways. It will turn out Rep. Katherine Harris discovered that the separation of church and state is such a lie that, she will claim, the Founders allotted Heaven its own Congressional delegation. Harris will explain that this is the first time Heaven has elected anyone to send to Washington because Heaven, like Congress, is a place where nothing ever happens.

Religion. In a setback for fundamentalist Christian House members, the words "Bowie is God"--doodled in the margins of a

Futurescope photo: Bush at worship, with altar-roadie

dairy price support bill by a junior aide to Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va)--will be enacted into law. In a signing statement, President Bush will note that subsidized milk is a key ingredient in a good latte. Compelled to be logically consistent, Rep. Harris will then introduce a bill to revise the Pledge of Allegiance to read "one nation under Ziggy Stardust." Deified Bowie will quickly be embraced by youth-oriented evangelicals, who will invite Bush to give the lead guitar solo at Sunday services.

Unemployment. The Labor Department will report the unemployment rolls, after rising in the 2nd quarter, shrank by 27% in August. It will be attributed to the number of ex-staff of Katherine Harris For Senate denied unemployment benefits, a provision in a bill introduced by Rep. Harris.

Iraq. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, seeking to distance his 2008 Presidential aspirations from the Administration's Iraq policy, will begin hearings on what to do with the $1.5 billion a day being spent on the occupation after the U.S. eventually withdraws. Frist will propose a tax cut for the richest 1% of Americans--although Frist will call it a Peace Dividend.

Elections. Denying reports she is 'crazy,' Rep. Harris will appoint a new campaign manager, "who is just as sane as I am"--John Mark Karr.

That's all for The Slam Book.^® Until next time, this is Tim Snide saying: Be afraid; be very afraid.

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Scoop. Dir: Woody Allen. Scarlett Johansson, Hugh Jackman, Woody Allen, Ian McShane, Romola Garai, Charles Dance, Fenella Woolgar. BBC Films.

Welcome back to the show.

There's a big crop of new movies out, and we've been remiss in telling you about them. To catch up on at least one of the big summer blockbusters, please welcome back our Vigilance Correspondent, Deputy Assistant Principal Undersecretary of State William "Henny" Penney, of the Department of Homeland Security. Henny, welcome back.

What? Oh, yeah. Hey.

You seem a little distracted.

I'm just kind of... Oh, who cares.

'Who cares?' You mean about the movies?

No no, homeland security.

But that's the Number One priority for Americans! Everyone cares about homeland security!

Not those who matter the most.

And that would be who?

Department of Homeland Security employees.

Really!? Why is that?

Isn't it obvious? It's because of the Democrats.

Do tell.

Democrats are having success. When that happens it has a negative effect on the war on terror. When the Democrat Party does well, homeland security suffers: TSA screeners don't check carry-ons as thoroughly; Border Patrol agents start letting anyone walk across the border; CIA analysts don't connect the dots; fighter pilots fly their F-16s just a little bit slower. When Republicans lose, we're more likely to get hit again.

Fascinating. I've been wondering how that worked.

Sure, I mean, look at Joe Lieberman.

But he's a Democrat.

You are so naïve! See why we can't trust you guys to keep America safe? Ned Lamont beats Joe in the primary, and look what happened.

OK. Um, what happened?

The airline bombing threat!

Oh that.

Yes! LIQUIDS! GELS! It's all dangerous! But because support for the Administration is sagging, our guard isn't up as high as it could be. Lowered guard! Even I, William Penney, am not immune.

From the ennui.

Yes. Since the al-Qaeda types helped Lamont win, I can barely bring myself to review the daily veterinarian-activity reports that arrive in my in-basket.

Veterinarian activity? Why does DHS monitor that?

If you don't know, you wouldn't understand. But I've already said too much. See? Lowered guard!!! I've just disclosed a secret program, and I could care less.

So what you need, Henny, what all Warriors On Terror need, is some inspiration.

Yes, making women take off their gel-filled bras before they can get on airplanes, that only goes so far. We need to know that Americans are terrified, so we can draw off that energy.

Well, something does cross my mind.

Oh?

It's not exactly terror-related, but it hits some of the same notes.

Right now I'll listen to anything.

Well, about a week ago, Mayor Nickels--

But he's a Democrat.

Do you want to hear the story? Nickels held a press conference on the Seattle Channel. It was about the waterfront. Apparently there is something called a 'gribble' that poses a threat.

Is that an Islamo-fascist cell? 'Al-Gribble'?

No, it's a wood-eating marine worm.

Sounds... scarrrry.

Nickels says the gribbles, as well as a burrowing mollusk called the 'teredo,' weaken the Seattle sea-wall--

But-- that would mean-- the water!

Yes, Nickels said Seattle could slide into the Sound.

Hey, that's sort of like--

New Orleans? He did say we need to "keep our city safe," and "it's like New Orleans."

That's not just scary, it's terrifying! What's being done?

Well, he wants to spend billions on a waterfront freeway tunnel, and rebuild the seawall at the same time.

Hmmm. Fear... build support for political agenda... big contracts for patriotic contractors... plus security from the water. Sounds like a win-win!

Ya think?

Come to think of it, Seattle is surrounded by liquid!

It even falls from the sky.

Oh god, it does? IT DOES!!! Does the Mayor know? Has there been a threat assessment? is there a color-coded Gribble Threat Notification System?

Well, the Mayor unveiled a color-coded sea-wall map--

Good enough for me! I'm re-inspired! I gotta get back to work pronto.

Good man. But what about your movie review?

Oh. Right. Uh, okay. Woody Allen's "Scoop"--a cautionary tale about foreign travel. A British aristocrat is a possible murderer, which shows you that no one is above suspicion, so EVERYONE's phone calls, bank records, shoe sizes and veterinarians must be monitored. The movie also emphasizes the importance of checking the local traffic regulations when traveling abroad--you don't want to get killed driving on the wrong side of the road when you're racing to save Scarlett Johansson.

Thank you, Mr. Penney.

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Mel Gibson at Alcoholics Anonymous? How's that supposed to work? Of course, if the meeting is at Charlie Sheen's house and the other members include Lindsay, Robert Downey Jr. and Chad Lowe, then maybe the anonymous part won't matter so much.

Not Since Boeing to Chicago. It's August, so the Mariners must be trading down—and sure enough, into the sunset goes Jamie Moyer, who only has the most wins among Seattle pitchers. Ever. What a bum, right? Best of all, from the Phillies the Mariners get two minor leaguers named Andrew, who should be ready for the Bigs by 2008 or never. One, Andrew Barb, went to Juanita High School. If he catches on and gets a big contract, he'll be able to afford to move back here.
       The Mariners also received a handful of magic beans.
       So what happened? Moyer is old, but he's not old and washed-up; the Mariners have no room for only half a player.

Taking their cue from the Mariners, other Seattle leaders and institutions are seeking help in the form of trades.

Speaking of the Allentown streetcar, transportation observers are holding their breath waiting to see what happens when the project begins building crossing Mercer Street.

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Riots greet Gibson plea

Actor-director Mel Gibson no doubt intended the best on Thursday when he pleaded No Contest in Malibu Superior Court on misdemeanor DUI charges. Instead it had the opposite effect.

In entering the plea, the "Chili Con Carne Club" star agreed to three years of probation, and was ordered to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for one year. Gibson was fined $1300, ordered to enroll in an alcohol abuse program, and must insert a Friends Don't Let Anti-Semitic Friends Drive Drunk message into his upcoming film "Apocalypto," in theaters everywhere December 8.

Within minutes, word of the plea spread outside the Malibu courthouse. Representatives of print and television media voiced outrage at Gibson's decision to forgo a trial, and police called for reinforcements when the scene quickly turned ugly.

"It's unbelievable," said Jim Moret of Inside Edition. "We were expecting a lengthy trial with lots of continuances," Moret said, "but to have it end this way--it's a massive disappointment to our advertisers."

"I just signed a month's lease on an office around the corner," said a teary-eyed Annabeth Frandle, who had hoped to churn out a book about the trial. "This is just so disillusioning," she said, adding "I don't know what I'm supposed to tell the two college kids I hired for the summer. Thanks to Mel Gibson they no longer have jobs."

The situation quickly deteriorated when Gibson left the courthouse. "You're taking the food out of our families' mouths," FOX commentator Greta Van Sustern screamed at Gibson, as handlers hustled him to a waiting car.

Fistfights broke out as a swarm of papparazzi first overturned and set fire to trash cans, and then tried to block Gibson's car from leaving. Some threw themselves under the wheels and on the hood. "We wanted Innocent, Mel!" screamed one. "You hit me! I'll sue," shouted another. One photographer, caught on the car's antenna, continued to take pictures as she was dragged down the street.

Incidents of vandalism were reported, with TV crews overturning their own Action Newsvans. The only reported injury occurred when the microwave mast on one Newsvan was pulled down by the rioters, striking Extra host Dayna Devon in the head and ejecting her brain, which rolled into a storm drain and was lost. Devon said she felt fine and later returned to work.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger toured the scene of the devastation, and denounced the loss of a Gibson trial as a severe blow to California's infogossip industry.

"This could not have happened at a worse time," said Schwarzenegger. "The industry was just starting to recover and was looking forward to a Lindsay Lohan stint in rehab, and things of that nature. The soft news sector is going to be set back for years."

Schwarzenegger said he would send a request to President Bush asking that he declare southern California a cultural disaster area.

Informed of the Malibu disturbance while riding his mountain bike, the President paused long enough to say that his thoughts were with Californians. "I don't think anyone could have anticipated the stupidity of the entertainment news media," Bush said.

Blarchives: Terror Honcho Hoosegowed in Hollywood!
Mel Gibson's hidden agenda

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Not the hands of property developers and the BIAW, if we have anything to say about it. Get yourself a No 933 yard sign today; there happen to be some at People For Puget Sound, 911 Western #580. No On 933 also has virtual signs and webpage banners here.

Today's Scare: Vaseline and a screwdriver? That's a Thursday afternoon for Jeff Gannon.

Mr_Blog is sponsored today by Simon Cowell Productions!

And finally:

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Resmuglican Sen. George Allen of Virginia has apologized for calling a staffer for Democratic opponent Jim Webb a "macaca." Allen's excuses go a long way to revealing why the Rs' governing style has become so back-asswards this millennium.

1. Allen says "I don't know what it means." Resmuglicans say things they haven't thought about (see blind following, yesterday).

2. Then Allen

said the word sounds similar to "mohawk," a term that his campaign staff had nicknamed Sidarth because of his haircut. Sidarth said his hairstyle is a mullet — tight on top, long in the back.

Resmuglicans are out of touch with their base. Mistaking a mullet for a mohawk—in a Southern state no less—is on par with the 1990 incident where George The First didn't know what a supermarket price scanner was.

However, it hands Allen a whole new issue—hearing health. Macaca and mohawk of course sound nothing alike, which signals any number of audiological conditions from inner ear cilia degeneration to impacted ear wax. Watch for Allen to make a telegenic pilgrimage to a speech & hearing clinic later this week. His new slogan? "Hello Virginia: I'm listening."

Which would be much better than his current slogan, "What?"

Airport x-ray machines can detect if shoes have been tampered with. That should make the sleeper cells of al-Qaida cobblers think twice.

Of course, to George Allen cobbler sounds like terror. See? Always a rational explanation.

Clarification: yesterday's mention of Cafe Al Dente should have reminded readers that "al dente" is an Italian expression meaning "to the tooth." Al dente is not a new jihadi terror group. Please make a note of it.

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What is it about the P-I's The Connelly? He seems to be missing the ferry more and more often of late, his column about Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and the theft of the Ohio 2004 vote was the poster child for poor reading comprehension.

Connelly's column for this Monday morning is another head-scratcher.

Partisan Democrats have directed brickbats at this space in the past week, over a column that condemned personal attacks demonizing Republican Senate candidate Mike McGavick.
...
Speaking on national TV from Baghdad in 2002, Democratic Rep. Jim McDermott charged that President Bush was willing to "mislead the American people" to go to war in Iraq.

In words from the Almanac of American Politics, many Democrats "sensed, probably accurately, that his comments helped destroy their party's chances in the November 2002 elections." Source

What the hell??? Joel, MCDERMOTT WAS RIGHT!!!

...only Democratic blunders can keep the party from major gains in November.

What sort of blunders? Getting shrill and personal, appearing weak on national defense, and stereotyping all who don't toe the party line. Source

This is straight out of the Resmuglican playbook--equating opposition with personal attack, branding responsible policy proposals 'weak,' and namecalling (e.g. "aid and comfort to the enemy," "LIBeral") on those who don't toe the neocon line.

Connelly's problem is that he is equating partisanship with blind following.

Let's get this straight: partisanship is Good. When I am voting for Hong Tran in the Primary, that's to send Cantwell a message on Iraq. But when voting for Cantwell in the General, it's because I'm supporting Democratic Party policies and an immediate power-shift in Congress. That's not blind following.

In evoking Bill Ruckelshaus, Connelly is unintentionally hilarious. And revisionist: Ruckelshaus was all about accountability and responsibility, but here's Connelly asking us not to hold McGavick accountable for the Misadministration positions he supports: by freely choosing membership in the Resmuglican Party, and standing next to its corrupt leaders like Frist, who (it was announced today) is coming to campaign for him. Or Dick Cheney, who already has; that time, the McGavick campaign said "This is a campaign that hasn't run from the administration".

Good to know. And remember.

A trip to Vancouver, WA last weekend proved a pleasant diversion. I hadn't traveled on I-5 south of Olympia for a long time. Vancouver is a cute little town, at least the part we went to (Mill Plain Blvd. and Downtown). Cafe Al Dente has a wonderful gorgonzola something-or-other, and bicycle-friendly Vancouver Marketplace has an abstract wood sculpture that reminds me of Donatello's Mary Magdalene.
       Getting to Vancouver means crossing Red America though. There's a Big Gold Jesus statue along the way, in addition to the famous Birch Society billboard at Chehalis. Passing through Hazel Dell reminded me that this is where Linda Smith hails from.
       But we had a good laugh at the yardsigns of Brian Baird's opponent in the 3rd District congressional race: the Resmuglican candidate is Michael Messmore.

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The Seattle "Bridging the Gap" transportation package is on the ballot, and there's enough in it to merit support. Even though we already pay taxes, and here we are going to vote on a special (possibly permanent) levy to pay for basics, Vote Yes by all means.

Sidewalkless neighborhoods are still screwed under this plan though, with new pedestrian paths funded at only a half mil or so. Good enough for 2 or 3 blocks, if the cost of curbs and drainage are included.

Otherwise, I'm not seeing anything else about new sidewalks, just repair of existing ones. Hold on—people who already have sidewalks get them fixed at public expense, but those who need sidewalks built in the first place still have to pay the bulk of it themselves, and apply for insufficient grant funds to pay for the rest? Not equitable.

Sidewalkless neighborhoods were also screwed under a recent City plan to add more oxygen-generating trees to residential planting strips. Planting strips are, of course, the space bounded by a curb on one side and a sidewalk on the other.

As far as paying for the tax package, the combination huge property tax levy-plus-employee and parking taxes smells like creative revenue forecasting, like they really had to scrape and fiddle with interest rates to make the numbers work.

We have to find a better way to finance public works than the property tax too. To afford the higher taxes I may have to build a DADU and take in renters. I'm not really a B&B person.

Are we ready for a state income tax yet? And under my vision we would keep the property tax, but exempt the first $300,000 on primary residences (rich people: your primary residence would be the one with the lowest assessed value).

And how's this for a revenue source: take a page from the Market and Safeco Field and sell naming rights. But instead of brick pavers, you get to name the section of the street in front of your house. Edgar Martinez Way, Royal Brougham Way, and now: Your Way! A lot of people would gladly pay for that. Imagine: Howard Schultz could live on Big Baby Way.

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Posted August 4, 2006

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ICON Entertainment Mr. Gibson's Daily Agenda for Sept 18, 2006 6:30 am - Wake up call. Kosher breakfast: Fakin' Bacon and eggs, coffee. 7:00 am - Grooming: be sure to detangle beard! Get dressed: yarmulke. 7:20 am - Driver arrives. 8:00 am - Arrive at ABC studios, satellite interview for Good Morning, America. Apologize, but don't cry! People don't like crying on their TVs during breakfast. 8:30 am - Arrive at Starbucks, drink two triple grandes. 8:45 am - Arrive at parole office. Urinalysis. 9:25 am - Arrive at office. Write checks to Jewish charities until 10:30. 10:30 am - Leave for airport. 10:45 am - Arrive at Echo Park Community Center. Meet up with Entertainment Tonight crew, "spontaneous" drop-in on AA meeting. 11:30 am - Arrive at LAX (Delta); check in (verify Kosher meal). 2:00 pm - Arrive O'Hare, Chicago. Salute cops working airport security. Meet PA with car from Harpo Productions. 2:35 pm - Arrive Harpo studios, pre-show meeting with Oprah. 3:00 pm - Taping. Recount story of the arrest. She will read from the police report. Quiver lip whenever she reads "Jew." Say you're sorry, you didn't know what you were saying, you're doing great in counseling with Rabbi Goldfarb. Do NOT deny the Holocaust. Sit

Page 2 quietly and look down when the audience boos you. DON'T CRY, Oprah hates crying apologies, you don't want to make Oprah mad. 4:00 pm - Arrive Morton's restaurant. Have ONE margarita, you've earned it. If service is slow, do NOT blame the Jews. 4:45-5 pm - Sign autographs for waitstaff and guests. NO HUGS. 5:30 pm - Arrive at Real World house, check in with Suzy of MTV. 6:00 pm - Make official entry into the house. ENERGY! Remember, you're now on-camera all the time. 6:05 pm - Argue with Jen (there's always a Jen) over who gets the nice bedroom. 6:15 pm - House meeting. Make sure to befriend the Jew, and the one who will reveal in Episode 3 that he's gay. Buy everyone Domino's. 8-11 pm - Rental DVD of Playing For Time. During the movie, we've asked that a roommate say something like, "I couldn't have survived that, I would have given up." Don't cry, just tear up noticeably (bet that cameras will zoom in), and say "Vanessa Redgrave really makes it real for me." 11:00 pm - The Confessional. General rule for all Confessionals: project anxiety and vulnerability. Wait until at least the third week to cry, and preferably after a roommate yells at you for doing something stupid (eating someone else's food, naked hot tubbing with Jen, denying the Holocaust, etc.) 11:30 pm - Bedtime. Alone.

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al-Gibson (top) joins al-Libbi (middle) and Sheikh Mohammed in the pokey

LA County Sheriff deputies thought they were making a routine DUI arrest last Thursday night. But it turned out they had hit the homeland security jackpot, nabbing another in the long parade of al-Qaeda seconds-in-command.

Deputies initially stopped the bearded, wild-eyed suspect for speeding. They then found the driver, identified as M. al-Gibson, an unemployed actor, appeared to be intoxicated. Deputies reported that al-Gibson made anti-Semitic slurs about "the Jews," and also was verbally abusive to deputies.

Sources with knowledge of the case reported al-Gibson said he was "going to f***" the arresting officer, and demanded of another, "why aren't your sugar t*ts adequately covered in accordance with holy scripture?"

The charges against al-Gibson were impaired driving and being in possession of explosive negative publicity. Authorities are now searching for the rest of al-Gibson's terror cell in star-studded Malibu, which al-Gibson claimed to "own."

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There are 3 comments

Kvatch

August 18, 2006 - 01:51

Subject: Southern Exposure

Ah...the Old Dominion and George Allen.

I still remember how the Frogette called Allen "...that cracker running for governor," to his face. You see he was campainging at a DC area metro stop, tried to hand my wife a leaflet, she looked at it and, not knowing what Allen looked like, said...

The rest is history. Memories.

draculich

August 07, 2006 - 10:32

Subject: Dear Leader

Dear Leader say: "Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok."

jeez

August 02, 2006 - 04:34

Subject: Terror Honcho Hoosegowed in Hollywood!

You sir are one sick individual

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