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Mr_Blog’s Left Turn
Posted July 31, 2007
Robertson issues religious decree

"Fatwad" calls for removal of Chief Justice

Saying he needs a right wing robot he can count on, Rev. Pat Robertson late yesterday issued a "fatwad" -- or fundamentalist Christian religious decree -- directing the removal of Chief Justice John Roberts. Robertson's action comes the day after Roberts, 52, suffered a seizure while at his Maine vacation home. He was evaluated by doctors at the Penobscot Bay Medical Center, where he received a clean bill of health.

This concerns Robertson. "There's a very real danger that Roberts has managed to overcome the brainwashing," the host of TV's "700 Club" told Wholly Holy!, 'the magazine for conservative Christian gays who haven't come out yet.'™

"I need- I mean the Lord needs to be certain that the Supreme Court is going to allow prayer in public schools, tax dollars for Christian schools, the ten commandments in public buildings, and all persistently vegetative patients on life support," said Robertson. "Most of all, we need to preserve the First Amendment right of religious leaders to do business with bloodthirsty dictators."

"Regaining control over his own mind endangers the plan to create God's kingdom on Earth," he said. "I call on all shareholders- limited partners- obedient Christians to pray for another vacancy on the Supreme Court."

"Heavenly father, bless my fatwad," prayed Robertson. "See that Roberts is caught in flagrante in a Florida men's room, or photographed with a Boy Scout, or tests positive for performance enhancing drugs. In Jesus' name I pray."

The term fatwad comes from the ancient word fatlip, the same root as the Arabic "fatwa," or Muslim religious decree. The first fatlip was issued by Abraham, the Old Testament figure revered by Jews, Muslims and Christians. Abraham is said to have given his sons fatlips whenever they were disobedient.

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Posted July 30, 2007
No Blue Angels at Seafair

Crowd favorite replaced by flying Japanese turtle

The U.S. Navy Blue Angels will not appear in Seattle this weekend, officials of the Seafair summer festival announced today. It will be only the third time since 1952 that the precision aerobatic team has not performed during the annual Lake Washington hydroplane races.

The Defense Department notified Seafair yesterday that the Blue Angels were called away to do a "special job" for President Bush, Seafair spokesman Kerwin Frandle told reporters. "Apparently, the Saudis are interested in buying F-18 Hornets, so the Angels are headed over there so King Abdullah can kick some tires," said Frandle.
The Invincible Friend to All Children arrives Wednesday to thrill Seafair spectators

Taking over for the Blue Angels will be Gamera the giant turtle, bioengineered by the lost city of Atlantis to be the guardian of Earth, only to be awakened from his arctic slumber by an accidental nuclear blast in 1965. Today, Gamera is best known as a motion picture star and goodwill ambassador for UNICEF.

Frandle said Gamera is scheduled to land at Boeing Field on Wednesday, where he will be available for public tours. Visitors will have the opportunity to meet and ask questions of Ayana, a Japanese schoolgirl who acts as Gamera's business manager.

Gamera will practice his routine Thursday, Friday and Saturday. The official performance will be at 1:30 pm Sunday, after heat 3B of the Chevrolet Cup. To comply with FAA regulations, the Interstate 90 floating bridge will be closed when Gamera is in the performance area.
Hollywood reptile
Gamera and Gyaos, horsing around at the premiere of The Bourne Ultimatum last Wednesday

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Posted July 27, 2007
Giuliani says he's a Strict Constructionist

Women only 3/5 of a person, so he's only been married 9/5 times

Former New York City Mayor and 2008 Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani outlined on Wednesday an originalist — or 'strict constructionist' — position on matters of interpreting the Constitution. He specifically mentioned judicial appointments and traditional marriage.

Giuliani's remarks came on Tuesday at a news conference in Riverside, Calif., where he reiterated his pledge to appoint "strict constructionist" judges.

"What strict constructionist means is that a judge will interpret the Constitution in accordance with what someone else meant when they wrote those words, and not try to legislate," Giuliani said. Nor, he pointed out, should a judge invent legal concepts that were not originally written into the Constitution, such as 'same-sex marriage' and 'alimony.'

Giuliani went on to say he believes judges should go by what the framers of the Constitution intended when they defined women as equal to three-fifths of a person.
Rudy Giuliani
with Judi Nathan, wife #1.2-1.8

This may benefit the thrice-married Giuliani with some segments of voters, such as the Republican base of Christian conservatives still reluctant to embrace a candidate who has been married twice, much less three times.

"Strict construction means that I am not on my third marriage, but rather the nine-fifth, or one-point-eighth," said Giuliani.

"This means that, Constitutionally, I have been married less than twice. And less than twice is once," he said. Giuliani issued a challenge to his critics to "do the math."

iNews Friday

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator —

Headline: Bookstores receive conclusion of Harry Potter series
Translation: US arrests Voldemort, "#2 in command of al-Qaeda"

Headline: Cheney in charge; Bush has colonoscopy
Translation: National lottery held to pick lucky colonoscope operator

Headline: Bush Reclaims Power After Colonoscopy
Translation: Cheney moved White House, left no forwarding address

Headline: FEMA Hides Health Warnings On Toxic Trailers
Translation: If this gets out, the hurricanes will win

Headline: Drunken astronauts reportedly allowed to fly
Translation: Pres. Bush, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears lose flight status

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Posted July 26, 2007
Cheese stands alone

Rating some popular cheeses

Get out your water crackers and uncork the chardonnay, because we have a special treat for you today. Here with a report on this year's hottest cheeses is our Vigilance Correspondent, William Penney, on leave from his duties as a Deputy Assistant Principal Undersecretary of State in the Department of Homeland Security. Take it away, Henny.

Thank you. For my next assignment I was asked to review several popular cheeses currently in stores. My criteria are flavor, aroma, texture and terror risk.

Royal Blue Stilton. Also called "The King of Cheeses", Blue Stilton is a tangy British version of Roquefort. It is typically made in cylinders which become covered in its own crust. When sliced into wedges rich, delicate and flavorful veins are revealed. This trademark veining is Stilton's undoing however: the blue mold can easily be mistaken by TSA screeners for biotoxin or other germ warfare agent. So, I cannot recommend this one.

Limberger. This pungent cheese originated in Belgium, but is also made in Germany and the USA. The best Limberger is smooth, creamy and light-tasting, if you can get past the smell. I could not, it made my eyes water -- exactly like a chemical weapon. You don't want to pack this one in your luggage, even if it's less than 3.5 ounces. Perhaps it is for good reason that it is illegal to make Limberger in Wisconsin without special authorization. So steer clear of Limberger if you see it in your grocer's cheese case.

Torta del Casar. Steve Jenkins, author of The Cheese Primer, calls this the superstar of European cheeses. Torta del Casar has a thick oatmeal texture and is eaten with a spoon. The wonderful taste is buttery, nutty, and slightly oily. But the big negative of torta del Casar is that it comes from the Extremadura region of western Spain. This sounds like 'extremist,' so you don't want to shout it standing in line at airport security screening. Best to avoid.

Western Family brand Swiss Cheese (slices). This is the perfect cheese for a post-9/11 world. It is odorless, and comes in its own see-through Ziploc bag, so it is easily inspected by TSA screeners. The large holes in Swiss are unmistakable on an x-ray machine, and Western Family goes the added distance of arranging the slices fanned-out in the package. The only thing it could be mistaken for would be a package of cardboard drink coasters, which carry a very low terror risk.

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Posted July 25, 2007
Gonzales hospitalized

Severe pain result of crossing all fingers, toes during Senate testimony
Excerpts from Gonzales testimony

Attorney General was in pain from the time he was sworn in:

Sen. Leahy: Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you will give at this time will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Gonzales: Ow. I do.

. . .

Gonzales: The disagreement that occurred, and the reason for the visit to the hospital, Senator, was, unngh, about other intelligence activities. It was not about, oh the pain, the terrorist surveillance program that the president announced to the American people.

. . .

Sen. Schumer: ...the letter, which was, sort of, intended to deceive, but doesn't directly do so, because there are other intelligence activities, gets you off the hook, but you just put yourself right back on here.

Gonzales: I eeeesh clarified my statement two days later with the reporter. Ohhh mama.

Sen. Schumer: What did you say to the reporter?

Gonzales: I did not speak directly yyyyyowww to the reporter.

Sen. Schumer: Oh, wait a second -- you did not. OK. What did your spokesperson say to the reporter?

Gonzales: I don't meeeeyahh know. Oh, it burns, it burns.

Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was rushed to the orthopedics clinic at George Washington University Hospital yesterday, shortly after his tense appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Gonzales was intensively grilled, about inconsistencies in his earlier testimony, by both Republican as well as Democratic committee members.

Shortly after emerging from the four-hour hearing, Gonzales was taken to a private office to rest, unable to walk and complaining of pain in his extremities. After an examination at GWU Hospital, doctors said the attorney general's fingers and toes were severely crossed. "It was the worst case I've ever seen outside of an elementary school," said Dr. Erik Wilson, an orthopedics specialist. "They were gnarled and twisted together, the muscles and tendons locked."

White House press secretary Tony Slow dismissed reporters who asked whether the crossed fingers, crossed toes, fingers crossed with toes, and toes crossed with fingers, indicated that Gonzales was, in the words of NBC's David Gregory, "lying like the rug John McCain bought in Baghdad."

Slow said this had nothing to do with Gonzales' current medical condition. "The attorney general was merely having muscle cramps," said Slow. "Lots of really severe muscle cramps. Due to a potassium deficiency. He really should eat more bananas," said Slow.

Gonzales would not be able to talk to the Senators again for the foreseeable future, Slow also said. "If the Senate insists, I'm afraid we'll have to play the ultimate trump card on this one: the note from the doctor," he announced triumphantly, twirling the ends of his enormous moustache and nonchalantly regarding his manicure.

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Posted July 24, 2007
Domestic partnership law takes effect

Leaders hope 'equal but separate' can solve lots of issues

The new domestic partnership law went into effect Monday in the state of Washington, giving same-sex couples who register under the program a number of rights such as hospital visitation, property inheritance and funeral planning.

"It's a really important first step in providing some first protections for same-sex couples and their families," said Rep. Jamie Pederson (D-43).

But other supporters of gay rights see the law as inadequate.

"It's not so much a first step as walking into the wind," said gay rights activist Matt Frandle (WDP #2007-000023). "That's mime, and nobody likes mime, not even the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community," said Frandle.

"It's the moral equivalent of an American With Disabilities Act that directs the physically challenged to sit behind a sofa and mime going down stairs," said Frandle, adding, "the domestic partnership law is nothing more than ‘separate but equal’."

Rep. Lynn Schindler (R-4) originally opposed the law, but yesterday she denied the ‘separate but equal’ charge. Schindler said the accurate way to characterize the domestic partnership law is ‘equal but separate.’ "‘Equal but separate’ is not the same as ‘separate but equal’," she said. "The words are in a different order and everything. It's obvious," said Schindler.

Schindler said the key to the new law lies in celebrating diversity. "I can't think of a better way to celebrate diversity than treating different people differently because they're different."

Rev. Joe Fuiten of Bothell, head of the group Positively Fabulous Christian Agenda, agreed with Schindler. In an exclusive interview with Wholly Holy!, ‘the magazine for conservative Christian gays who haven't come out yet™’, Fuiten said he supported the kind of diversity established by the 'equal but separate’ principle.

"I plan to work with the GOP members of the Legislature to promote diversity in a wide range of important issues," Fuiten said. "We need ‘equal but separate’ solutions for public schools, higher education, housing, health care and jobs."

Gov. Chris Gregoire was in talks with business leaders concerning her upcoming reëlection campaign, and could not be reached for comment on much of anything.

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Posted July 23, 2007
Power transfer was routine

Records show Bush has regular 'guest hosts'

The temporary transfer of power to Vice President Dick Cheney during President Bush's Saturday colonoscopy was routine, according to newly released records of all the times the Twenty-Fifth Amendment has been invoked since Mr. Bush took office.

The Saturday morning delegation of power to Cheney garnered media attention and raised the hackles of critics. However, the 25th Amendment Ledger, an official log kept by the Chief Clerk of the Supreme Court and released today under a Freedom of Disinformation Act request, reveals such transfers of power are frequent.

The ledger, which notes the circumstances of all transfers of power since the 25th Amendment was ratified in 1967, shows that Mr. Bush regularly exercises the constitutional succession process on an almost weekly basis, especially during college football season.
Dana Perino
"Is this thing getting longer?"

White House spokesperson Dana Perino said this morning that "sometimes the president needs to take a break, and he doesn't feel that should be on the people's time. So he rightly has the Vice President fill-in, like a 'guest host,' if you will," said Perino. "It is especially true when Texas is playing, and on Mondays during NBC's Heroes," she said.

Only rarely does the president turn over power due to concerns over security, such as when Air Force One encounters extreme turbulence, she added.

The log also shows that the "guest host" is not always Dick Cheney. On twelve occasions presidential duties have been delegated to Timothy Bottoms, who portrayed Mr. Bush in the films The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course and DC 9/11: Time of Crisis, and on TV in That's My Bush! Last week, it was Mr. Bottoms who issued the call for a multilateral summit on the Mideast involving Israel, Arab states and Palestinians.

Tests reveal Iran involvement

The five polyps removed from President Bush's colon bear telltale signs of Iranian involvement, say sources at the National Naval Medical Center and Department of Homeland Security.

The diagnosis was confirmed by three of the twenty-eight medical students who requested they be allowed to take turns operating the colonoscope during the president's procedure.

DHS spokesperson Sharon Kindig said "it is pretty well confirmed" that the polyps came from Iran. None of the five were in the U.S. legally, and all had obtained licenses from the New York City Taxi Commission, Kindig said.

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Posted July 20, 2007
Whistleblower says White House pressured her to alter report

Told to hide Bush's CO2 emissions

A federal program manager today told a Senate subcommittee that the White House pressured her to change the contents of the report on President Bush's most recent annual physical examination. The panel is investigating whether the Bush administration is allowing politics to influence science

Jennifer E.T. Alvarez, patient records manager at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda MD, told the Senate Health, Labor & Pensions Subcommittee on Health Education that she received a phone call from the White House instructing her to remove any mention in the report that the president emits carbon dioxide.

Alvarez, a former Louisiana beauty pageant winner, related for the senators how she was first contacted by the president's Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten.

"He was really apologetic, almost embarrassed," Alvarez said of Bolten's phone call.

"At first he chatted about the weather, and then what I thought about the Nationals' bullpen," said Alvarez. "I told him, 'jeez, would you get to the point already, I have a mountain of files to archive before lunch'. We had noon reservations at the Crab Shack for Sherry's birthday," she explained.

"Finally Mr. Bolten explained the president had finally seen An Inconvenient Truth, and had become alarmed about global warming," she told the hushed committee room. "Mr. Bolten said he wanted me to take out anything in the president's patient record that said he exhales CO2." CO2 is one of the greenhouse gases thought responsible for global climate change.

"He said the president said he would consider this as a personal favor, and that someday he would do me a favor in return."

"I told Mr. Bolten I never wanted to have to pay income taxes again. He didn't laugh," Alvarez said.
Bush mum on CO2 plan
How is he reducing his personal emissions?

The White House was quick to deny Alvarez's account. "President Bush is the smartest man I've ever known," gushed former counsel Harriet Miers. "He wouldn't say that kind of ridiculous thing."

Press secretary Tony Slow issued a statement saying the president was on top of the CO2 issue, and just needed "a little more time" to put the finishing touches on a personal CO2 reduction strategy. The details would be released sometime soon, said Slow, twirling the ends of his enormous moustache and nonchalantly regarding his manicure.

iNews Friday

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator —

Headline: Michael Chertoff's 'Gut Feeling': U.S. To Be Hit With Major Terrorist Event
Translation: They have a Tums for that now

Headline: Mariners resign Ichiro to $90 million contract
Translation: No, Ichiro is not interested in buying a basketball team

Headline: Putin Suspends Missile Treaty
Translation: Dammit Lieutenant, Missile Treaty's a Good Cop!

Headline: Iraq's leader says U.S. can leave any time
Translation: "Bush" in Arabic means 'houseguest that will never leave'

Headline: Nuclear reactor shut down, North Korea says
Translation: Hamsters needed a rest anyway

Headline: China flags U.S. meat, alleging contamination
Translation: That's just the Red Dye No. 3

Headline: Radioactive Water Leak After Japan Quake
Translation: Bush urges UN sanctions against Godzilla, Mothra

Headline: Bush Says Palestinians Are Facing 'Moment of Choice'
Translation: Bush to deploy American Idol to West Bank

Headline: Cost of light rail lowered; Sound Transit says errors inflated cost of light-rail plan
Translation: Midlevel analyst blames error on Excel macro

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Posted July 18, 2007
Bush creates new cabinet level agency

Bureau of Inertia will sort of just lie there

Seemingly chastened by widespread public dissatisfaction with his administration's secrecy, President Bush has brought into the open an important but heretofore secret federal organization.

Bush has elevated the Bureau of Inertia to the status of a cabinet level agency. The bureau will be in charge of not creating new policy initiatives in education, jobs, environmental protection, health care, housing, transportation, and culture.

Created in February 2001, the Bureau of Inertia's responsibilities have included not planning the occupation of Iraq, not strengthening relations with allies, and not improving federal response to natural disasters.

This morning Mr. Bush held a press conference outlining the bureau's mission and goals. "The Bureau of Inertia has distinguished itself as perhaps the most ineffective agency in my government, and I am pleased to expand its role," he said.

"Inertia is a widely recognized scientific principle, a principle going all the way back to Sir Helmut Newton, the discoverer of gravity. It doesn't get more sciencey than Newton," Bush said.

"There's an old saying we have in Texas," said Bush, "maybe you have it here too: 'the principle is your pal.' Well, the principle of inertia is your pal, and the American people are going to be glad to have the Bureau of Inertia sort of working for them."

"This should dispel the misconception that this administration is anti-science," White House press secretary Tony Slow told reporters later, as he twirled the ends of his enormous moustache and nonchalantly regarded his manicure.

Irving Frandle, a senior scholar at the conservative Heritage Foundation, called today's developments "simply great news for the troubled Bush administration."

"Inertia's influence on policy can readily be seen," said Frandle, "for instance in the failure to reduce U.S. dependence on oil despite the president's annual exhortations in that regard, and his failure to ask Americans to make personal sacrifices for the war effort."

"When Bush asked opponents of the war last week to give the surge two more months to work, that was quintessential Inertia," Frandle said.

Bush never got around to nominating an administrator to permanently head the Bureau, and he did not name a Secretary of Inertia today. The actor Ted McGinley has led the Bureau on an interim basis since 2001.

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Posted July 17, 2007
Dogs howl over table scrap recycling

Concerned canines call Council 'curs,' 'cat-lovers'

Man's best friends are foaming at the mouth over a decision by the Seattle City Council on Monday that all single-family homes must sign up for table scrap recycling by 2009.

"We can reduce the waste stream," said Councilmember Richard Conlin, chair of the utilities committee. "We can treat waste as a resource and continue to recirculate it as we reclaim, recycle it or turn it into compost."

"It is shocking the City Council would interfere in human-dog relationships in this way," barked Rags, a Bernese mountain dog being walked around Green Lake. "Table scraps are an important part of the bonding ritual between dogs and their masters."

"I've heard of some loony human lawmaking, but this takes the cake — which would be really tasty right now," he snapped. "I suppose they'll ban cake next."

Canine labor is particularly upset about table scrap recycling. Buddy T. Dachshund, treasurer of Pets Eyeing Tasty Appetizers (PETA), a dog-dominated Seattle animal labor union, tore into the Council's plan.

"Mandatory table scrap recycling represents an unwarranted and undeserved cut in benefits for our members," Buddy whined. "Richard Conlin doesn't understand that dogs need edible tokens of love, it's important to our self esteem. But Conlin is probably a cat lover," he growled.

Monday afternoon, Conlin said he hoped to work with PETA to address dogs' concerns. "Would dogs like to work for Seattle Public Utilities to sniff garbage for table scrap violations? Yes they would, because they're good dogs, yes they are," Conlin said.

Reached today, Buddy was unimpressed by Conlin's offer. "That's what dogs have been doing for thousands of years. He thinks doing it for the government will somehow be an improvement?"

"The Council are a bunch of mangy curs if they think our union is just going to circle three or four times, curl up and lie down and take this," Buddy snarled. "We won't be muzzled." He would not rule out a strike.

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Posted July 13, 2007
Vitter and Palfrey to tie the knot

Sen. David Vitter, the Louisiana senator who admitted to being a customer of so-called 'DC Madam' Deborah Palfrey, has announced the two will wed.

The happy couple greeted reporters and well-wishers this morning in front of Vitter's Metairie home. Palfrey wore a peach colored dress by Betsey Johnson. The senator wore Dolce & Gabbana.

Republican Vitter, whose phone number appears in the address book of Palfrey's escort service, said his Christian, pro-marriage, traditional family values require that he "do the right thing, and make an honest woman of Deborah."

"I explained to god what I did and asked for forgiveness," Vitter said. "God told me I should marry her. Marriage legitimizes our past relationship — I wasn't paying for sex, it was like a dowry. God is really into do-overs," he said.

Palfrey said she plans to continue her career after she and Vitter marry. "I'll only charge him a discounted weekly rate," said Palfrey.

"Hey, you get what you pay for," said Vitter.

Palfrey did say she has agreed to do the ceremony as a freebie, and that she would supply entertainment for the bachelor party without charging her usual management fee. Hustler publisher Larry Flynt will give the bride away.

Vitter and Palfrey said god would also be paying for the wedding, as well as a honeymoon trip to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY.

Not in our house - Christians disrupt first Hindu prayer in Senate

Incensed that the U.S. Senate planned to open a hearing with a prayer by a Hindu chaplain, a Christian group yesterday succeeded in its objective of keeping the Capitol religiously pure.

On Thursday morning, as Chaplain Rajan Zed of Nevada tried to begin his prayer, a man and two women protesters — shouting "No Lord but Jesus Christ," "There's only one true God," and "Salvation Now Only $99.95 With Coupon" — marked the Senate in the name of the god of Abraham, Isaac and Joseph by urinating onto the Senate floor from the visitors gallery.

The unidentified male protester, speaking for the trio because women must keep silent and obey men, told an AP reporter, "Our Holy Renal Functions have converted sacramental wine into Holy Urine, with which we have patriotically used to mark this as Christian territory." Police then handcuffed them and led them away, although not to Guantanamo Bay.

The three are members of a group named Prayer Energizes Effectiveness (PEE). They were charged with being intolerant yay-hoos.

iNews Friday

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator —

Headline: Boeing rolls out the Dreamliner
Translation: First luggage lost from Dreamliner 45 minutes later, Iowa couple files claim

Headline: China blames Internet for rise in teen pregnancies
Translation: I think they mean interCOURSE. Language barrier.

Headline: Taylor declines to answer Senate questions
Translation: Answering would spoil way cool surprise party White House is planning for Judiciary Committee

Headline: Agents Obtain Nuclear License
Translation: If all goes according to plan, nothing will stand in the way of the Creative Artists Agency!

Headline: Bush touts 'measurable progress' by Iraq military
Translation: Iraq military successfully peels 500 pounds of potatos in first post-Saddam KP duty

Headline: Army plans to hire more psychiatrists
Translation: Bush, Cheney scheduled for three times a week

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Posted July 11, 2007
Ichiro the hero at All-Star Game

Vatican squad investigates possible miracles

Special representatives of the Vatican arrived in Seattle today, fueling speculation that Mariners star center fielder Ichiro Suzuki could be declared a living saint.

Pope Benedict XVI dispatched the Roman Catholic Church's Special Canonisation Team to the Emerald City shortly after Tuesday's baseball All-Star Game in San Francisco. The SCT will evaluate whether Ichiro's two run, inside the park home run qualifies as a miracle. It was the first inside the park homer in All-Star Game history, and would count as Ichiro's second miracle. The Church has already declared Ichiro's 2001 Major League debut season to be miraculous.

Three miracles are required for sainthood. The SCT had been put on standby on Monday, when rumors broke that the Mariners were close to re-signing their star to a five year, $100 million contract extension.

While Ichiro does not meet the criterion of 'martyr,' that requirement could be waived, said Bishop Brett Papworth, SCT Special Agent in Charge. "He had to play on the same roster as Jeff Cirillo, that ought to count for something," Bishop Papworth said.

If the inside the park home run becomes an official miracle, the contract extension — if that happens — would be the third miracle.

Ichiro sainthood would mean Safeco Field would become a holy shrine, a status which would keep baseball in Seattle in perpetuity.

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Posted July 10, 2007
Bush classifies entire executive branch Top Secret

Federal departments moved to undisclosed locations

President Bush issued an emergency directive on Monday, giving Top Secret security classification to his administration and the entire executive branch of the federal government. He declared the work of government too important to expose to a world filled with threats of terrorism.
Moving Day
Can White House yard sale be far off?

The effects of the directive came swiftly. Moving vans still clog the streets today outside federal departments in Washington, where staff did not come to work Monday, presumably going instead to facilities in secret locations. The White House and Executive Office Building are empty. A billboard has been put up on the Justice Department announcing it is being converted into condominiums. Even the offices of the Interstate Commerce Commission are closed — the first action it has taken since 1916.

"The world after September 11, 2001 is too dangerous," Bush told a handpicked group of reporters from Fox News, and commentators from Premiere Radio Network. He met with them in a press center in an undisclosed federal facility.

"We don't want anything to happen to the people's government, so I'm going to do everything within my broad powers as a unitary executive to keep the government safe. Therefore, effective immediately, everything about the executive branch of the government is classified Top Secret."

Asked by Fox correspondent Fawn Craven what he meant by "everything," Mr. Bush replied, "Everything. You know, all things. You got this thing, and that thing, and another thing. So you've got all those things. In other words — everything."

Craven clarified her question, asking, "People will want to know how important something has to be to be classified."
Classified: Presidential
"I can't see you, can you see me? You can't, because I'm Secret."

"Look, what about 'everything' don't you understand?" Bush shot back. "Everything! Every desk, every employee, every paper clip, every leak, every leaker, every firing, every former official under investigation, every misspent dollar. This press conference is secret. I'm secret."

"There's no way of knowing exactly when and where the islamo-fascist terrorists will try to attack the government, so it's easier just to hide the whole thing," said Bush. "They could be coming after us right now, in this very room! They want to kill you and your family, Fawn. That's why I'm making the executive branch secret. I'm the secreter."

By attaching Top Secret status to all possible facets of the executive branch, Bush's directive has the immediate effect of making it a crime to write about, photograph, or speak publicly about the executive branch and its operations. Seeking information about the executive branch will be fruitless, as departments and agencies will not be able to release anything.

Conceivably, it is possible that simply disclosing the existence of the executive branch is now illegal.

"This solves the problem of gridlock in Washington," said Phyllis Frandle-Slagg, a Republican strategist. "House Democrats can investigate, Senate Democrats can hold hearings, but no one they call to testify will be able to say a thing," she said.

The secrecy even extends to foreign policy, said Frandle-Slagg, since it too is conducted by the executive branch. "Iraq? That's a secret now, so you're going to have to stop reporting about that," Frandle-Slagg said, smirking.

"Just try and get me now," a smug Vice President Dick Cheney yelled to reporters this morning at the White House. An AP photographer who took Cheney's picture was arrested by the Secret Service, and handed over to the FBI for investigation of photographing government secrets. Cheney then boarded a Marine helicopter, believed to be taking him to join the rest of the government.

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Posted July 6, 2007
Did harbor patrol set up sea lion?

Threatened fish was planted, says Herschel

Two Seattle Police officers at the center of a controversial January 2007 arrest are now attracting scrutiny with their actions while assigned to the Harbor Patrol. Officers Greg Neubert and Mike Tietjen arrested Herschel the California sea lion last month for possession of scraps of steelhead trout, a threatened species. The voracious marine mammal denied having the steelhead, and accused the officers of planting the scraps.

The officers also failed to report they briefly detained a seagull as part of the investigation, and then released it.

Neubert and Tietjen transferred from downtown bicycle patrol to "avoid the limelight" after they were officially cleared in a similar January incident, in which they arrested a man and detained another for investigation of drugs. The charge against the arrested man was dismissed because video from a nearby camera contradicted much of their arrest report. The defendant said the officers used excessive force and planted evidence, but they were cleared by Chief Gil Kerlikowske.

In the June incident the two officers reported they were patrolling near the Chittenden Locks off Ballard, and stopped Herschel the sea lion on suspicion of fishing without a license. The officers wrote in their report they found remnants of steelhead in Herschel's whiskers, and arrested him. They say Herschel resisted when they tried to place him in their boat.

Herschel's attorney Carmen Hall denied that her client was in possession of steelhead. But video from a nearby Washington Department of Fish & Wildlife camera showed the officers did not examine Herschel's whiskers. Hall said Neubert and Tietjen used excessive force when they threw a large net over Herschel and dragged him into their boat. She said Herschel did not resist arrest, but simply could not climb in because he has flippers instead of arms and legs.

Of particular concern is the whereabouts of a cardboard takeout carton containing fried clams, french fries and tartar sauce that the seagull says Neubert and Tietjen took when they detained him. Tartar sauce is popular among seafood users. The seagull told investigators that Neubert and Tietjen didn't give back the carton when they released him.

Kerlikowske said he believes his officers, who say the seagull did not have a carton. "And I certainly believe they do not know what happened to its delicious contents," Kerlikowske said.

iNews Friday

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator —

Headline: Glasgow airport scare spooks UK
Translation: Gordon Brown warns British to be on the lookout for a unifying tragedy

Headline: Bush and Putin discuss missile shield at 'Lobster Summit'
Translation: Maybe if you put a little dish of butter sauce in Azerbaijan with a nutcracker, the missiles will run out the other side

Headline: Libby sentence commuted
Translation: Libby sentenced to commute on Seattle's Metro Route 358

Headline: PM denies Aussies in Iraq for oil
Translation: Massive Vegemite deposits found in Anbar province

Headline: Mexican telecom tycoon edges Gates as world's richest man
Translation: Seattle-area anti-tax NIMBYs say "If (fill in name of public works project) is so great, why doesn't Carlos Slim pay for it?"

Headline: Al Gore son arrested, police find illegal, prescription drugs in car
Translation: At last, GOP has non-issue to use against non-candidate

Headline: New disputes among Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds stall oil bill
Translation: Dick Cheney pleads for unity, summons Sunni and Shii to emergency teambuilding retreat

Permalink | Comment

For July 2-5, 2007
Eyman capitalizes on iPhone craze

Initiative guru changes name to iMan

(Mukilteo) Ballot initiative guru Tim Eyman announced today he has changed his name to Tim iMan.

"I've finally entered the 21st century," the newly re-monikered iMan told a throng of eight supporters. "Now, when people want someone to lead right-wing, knee-jerk, program-crippling initiatives, they're going to want to go with the one in the smallest lightweight package possible. And that's me," iMan said.

Veteran ballot watchers say that the new iMan will appeal to a built-in segment of petition enthusiasts who want to get on board the latest trend. "And you certainly can't argue with the small, lightweight package," said Josh Frandle, technology reporter for the trade publication Journal of the Customized Logo Wristwatch Middlemen Association.
The new iMan
Certainly small, lightweight

"Eyman has always been small, politically, and offered a lot of lightweight initiatives," said Frandle. "Now, with the iMan he has created an all-in-one device for people who don't want to be bothered with the complexity of full-fledged representative government."

Frandle said that one factor that will cause many to hold off switching is that the iMan does not offer a choice of carriers. The iMan requires users to sign a contract in blood with GO&P, which is currently rated #3 behind Democrats and Independents.

Post-voting syndrome - Is it real? *

It was November 1956 in the deep south, and a black woman who had just voted for Democrat Adlai Stevenson for President was chased on foot for over a mile by angry Klansmen. Soon, the woman began exhibiting signs of anxiety and depression. Over 40 years later, a conservative voter unawareness campaign is citing this and other anecdotal evidence to claim there are profound psychological effects of voting Democratic. It is called "post-voting syndrome."

This twist in the buildup to the 2008 presidential election, called the Citizenship Nobbling Project, maintains that the right to vote is a misconception that should not always be exercised.

"Voting Democratic can cause great emotional harm," said Strom K. Frandle-Maddox, the project's lead researcher. "The effects can be dramatic, such as when you vote for Al Gore or John Kerry, only to experience the great sense of loss when they lose due to vote counting irregularities," said Frandle-Maddox.

"But post-voting syndrome can even happen when the Democrats win. What happens when the 51-vote Democrat majority in the Senate can't override a veto of a war funding bill that sets a withdrawal date? Deep disappointment," he said. "Psychologically speaking, it would have been better for Democrats' emotional health had they not voted at all. And you can trust me on this, because I studied psychology at Regence University," Frandle-Maddox said.

Hargrove deposed by coup

Mike Hargrove, manager of the Seattle Mariners baseball club, was removed from power Sunday by a group of unidentified coup plotters. Hargrove is reported to be under skybox arrest.

Hargrove had been hailed this season by Amnesty International for undertaking a series of on-field reforms that have allowed the team to build its best record in four years. International monitors speculate that Hargrove's success incurred the enmity of the team's Generalisimo Gerente, Col. Bill Bavasi. "This season Hargrove has been having success with young, promising players. This is the opposite of the lineups dominated by old, washed-up players usually characteristic of Bavasi's rule," said a Hargrove supporter who requested anonymity. "Those of us familiar with the power struggle have never thought Bavasi would allow this success to go on for very long, so Hargrove's overthrow is not a surprise."

Commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud Selig has ordered a crack battalion of British Gurkha umpires to Seattle in an attempt to maintain order. The Gurkhas will arrive in time for tonight's game against Kansas City.

Permalink | Comment

Last Month | Next Month

There are 8 comments
August 02, 2007 - 23:24
Subject: Robertson issues religious decree

...tests positive for performance enhancing drugs.

Naw...that will never work. All we could expect then is that Robert's would go on break Hank Aaron's record.

July 27, 2007 - 22:57
Subject: iNews 7/27

Translation: Cheney moved White House, left no forwarding address...

To Dubai.

July 27, 2007 - 22:59
Subject: Cheese stands alone

Western Family brand Swiss Cheese (slices).

An awesome cheese! And if it weren't for the holes would double quite nicely as roofing tiles.

July 24, 2007 - 06:49
Subject: Tests reveal Iran involvement

We have to fight those polyps over there in Bush's colon. Otherwise we'll be fighting them here.

July 20, 2007 - 02:51
Subject: Bush creates new cabinet level agency

Outstanding! I always knew that there was a reason we seemed to be going nowhere fast. ;-)

July 15, 2007 - 19:49
Subject: Vitter and Palfrey to tie the knot

Palfrey said she plans to continue her career after she and Vitter marry. "I'll only charge him a discounted weekly rate," said Palfrey.

Just goes to show you, even in marriage, men still have to pay for sex.

July 10, 2007 - 05:40
Subject: iNews 7/6

Dick Cheney pleads for unity, summons Sunni and Shii to emergency teambuilding retreat

That wasn't a hunting trip by any chance was it?

Reply to Kvatch
July 10, 2007 - 08:03
Subject: Re: iNews 7/6

Brilliant! The Iraqis would probably be hunting with falcons, and they'd peck Dick's eyes out.

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- This Month +
      Where's the Archive?

2 Eyman capitalizes on iPhone craze
6 Did harbor patrol set up sea lion?
10 Bush classifies entire executive branch Top Secret
11 Ichiro the hero at All-Star Game
13 Vitter and Palfrey to tie the knot
17 Dogs howl over table scrap recycling
18 Bush creates new cabinet level agency
20 Whistleblower says White House pressured her to alter report
23 Power transfer was routine
24 Domestic partnership law takes effect
25 Gonzales hospitalized
26 Cheese stands alone
27 Giuliani says he's a Strict Constructionist
30 No Blue Angels at Seafair
31 Robertson issues religious decree

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