Fewer al-Qaeda fighters living in poverty

The White House is hailing a new U.S. government report as proof its economic policies are working. "This is just more proof my policies are working," President George W. Bush told reporters on Tuesday.

The report found that the president's policies have led to high levels of wealth generation in Iraq, primarily benefiting interests in Pakistan. The new found wealth comes in the form of cash, chiefly from Iraq's rapidly expanding human and property repatriation industry.

Revenues from Iraq are sent on to Pakistan, showing up as a surge in exports.

"The American presence in Iraq has been a boon to our economy," said Jalal al-Frandlzai, Vice President for Communications of Al-Qaeda Inc., a Pakistan-based multinational. According to al-Frandlzai, U.S. policies have created a climate of success for the firm, which specializes in services.

"The U.S., with some help from Britain, have ensured market conditions and helped increase demand for our services," al-Frandlzai said. The company is now the region's fastest growing concern, and receives thousands of job appplications each month. This fall, it will raise hiring standards by requiring all applicants have at least a Bachelors degree.

Al-Qaeda's prosperity has meant improved standards of living in the community adjacent to the company's headquarters.

"It's really a company town, all the new money has led to higher wages and more housing starts," said al-Frandlzai. "A lot of guys can now afford more wives," he added, and noted that madrassah per-pupil spending is up 20%. Welfare and unemployment rolls have both declined in size.

Asked if the Iraq war has had a downside, al-Frandlzai could not think of one. "None at all," he said. "We see the destruction as nothing more than phase one of an extensive urban renewal program."

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BB guns issued to Secret Service

Declaring "it can fly, but it cannot hide," Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff today announced a full-out search for the bird that carried out Thursday's aerial attack on President George W. Bush.

The bird is believed to be Moqtada al-Sadr's pet green-cheeked conure Mr. Beaks, also known as Abu Squawkie. It violated White House airspace and pooped on the president as he reiterated his support for embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

"I told ya so, I told ya," Mr. Bush gleefully yelled to reporters after the attack, as he was hustled away to find a washroom and some paper towels. Speaking at the Coast Guard Academy on Wednesday, Mr. Bush urged the need for continued vigilance against terror plots targeting the U.S. homeland.

The Secret Service immediately stepped up its security for the president, issuing uniformed and plainclothes agents with binoculars, BB guns, and slingshots.

Administration officials expressed alarm and disbelief about the attack. "No one could have imagined a bird dropping poop on the president," Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said.

Chertoff quickly took a number of actions to guard against future attacks of this kind. He issued a directive to have all bird books removed from store shelves, and classified Roger Tory Peterson's "Field Guide to Birds" top secret. So-called "national security letters" were issued to a number of pet stores in the Washington D.C. area, seeking customer lists.

Chertoff also placed green-cheeked conures on the Transportation Security Administration's no-fly list, a move criticized as "breed profiling" in a news release issued by the Audubon Society.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates mobilized a special force of Army troops that will be assigned to patrol for birds. Called the Poop Troop, the unit will be under the personal command of Vice President Dick Cheney.

Harry Whittington, a Texas attorney who heads the organization Quail Hunting Buddies For Truth, today called Cheney unqualified to lead such a mission. "I know from personal, painful experience that the vice president is the last person you want leading a bird hunt," Whittington told Animal Planet national defense correspondent Marlene Perkins.

Deputy White House press secretary Dana Perino called Whittington's remarks "pre-May 24th thinking."

"This is a new front in the war on terror, we have to be united. We have to support the poop troops." Perino said.

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Grand political theater for all

Praising the "Grand political theater" taking place at the Department of Justice, President George W. Bush used his Wednesday speech from the White House Rose Garden to announce he will nominate former Justice official Monica Goodling to be the next chairperson of the National Endowment for the Arts.

Goodling will replace the current NEA Chairman, poet Dana Gioia, whom the president has asked to spend more time with his family.

Bush noted that while Goodling may have made her mark as a lawyer, at Regent University Law School in addition to being student body president Goodling was also president of the drama society. There, her duties included opposition research on local community theater groups.

Shortly after the president's announcement Goodling appeared on the syndicated "Live With Regis & Kelly" program, where she is filling in this week for co-host Kelly Ripa. Goodling told host Regis Philbin she is grateful to Mr. Bush for giving her the opportunity. She said she is committed to "promoting the work of the best Christian Republican playwrights and directors working today."

Asked by Philbin if this meant the NEA would only support noncontroversial works of art, Goodling replied that she would consider any new American theater works, so long as they are about Jesus.

However, she indicated content would be judged broadly. "They may cross the line as long as they don't mean to," Goodling said.

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Doesn't recall who sent troops to Iraq

President George W. Bush today warned of "scary things and stuff" Osama bin Laden intended to have his al-Qaeda terror network do to America. The president's remarks came in New London, Connecticut, where he addressed the U.S. Coast Guard Academy 2007 graduating class.

"You can't stop being a-scared of the evildoers," Bush told the intelligent and well trained professionals, all of whom scored highly on aptitude, academic and entrance examinations to win coveted spots in the Coast Guard's four year program.

Mr. Bush spoke of 2003 and 2005 plots by al-Qaeda, citing examples from reports freshly declassified for the president's speech. The president described information the terrorist group planned to use Iraq to launch attacks against America, as well as more attacks using aircraft reminiscent of 9/11.

"That comes from our intelligence, from that George Tenet who said Iraq would be a slam dunk, so you got to trust it," said Bush.

"I gave Tenet a Medal of Freedom," he reminded the graduates, telling them, "Do as good as him, I could give you a medal too someday. Gonna give myself one before I leave office. Heck — medals for everyone."

The president also took the opportunity to reiterate his message on the need to support the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. "I can't recall who sent the troops there in the first place, we're looking into that," he said. "No one seems to recall why the troops were on the list to go, who approved the list, or who put them on the list in the first place."

"The Attorney General [Alberto Gonzales] is investigating, asking himself and people at the Pentagon. So I can't comment while that's going on. But the troops are there, for whatever reason, so we got to support them," Bush said.

Mr. Bush concluded by urging the graduates to "have a bitchin' summer."

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Silent Justice called "mime par excellence"

Justice Clarence Thomas has amazed Supreme Court watchers during 68 hours of oral arguments in the current session. Longtime observers are buzzing, saying Thomas has made keen insights on no less than 23 points of law, and pointed out holes in the arguments of six cases before the high court.

And yet Thomas has not uttered a word.^{1, 2}

How is this possible? Just ask France's Ordre national de la Légion d'honneur — the Legion of Honor. Last weekend Thomas took a break from the court to jet to Paris, where he accepted the Order's highest award in "l'artes mime," the mime arts.

Thomas' skill at mime has previously gone unreported in the media, however, his past miming from the bench has appeared in law journals from time to time. In 2003 during an affirmative action case, Thomas dissented from the majority by miming "diversity is not a compelling government interest."

The most recent report came in 2006 when, during a death penalty case out of South Carolina, Thomas performed a complex mime routine that lasted 20 minutes, concluding with a "hanging man" pose that drew a standing ovation.

Jean-Luc Truffaut du Frandlier, Artistic Director of the Corps du Mime law program of the Comedie Francaise in Paris, holds Thomas' artistry in high esteem, likening him to 'contemporary clowns' such as Bill Irwin and Geoff Hoyle. "Thomas is, how you say, like a clowning genius," said Truffaut. "He has perfected the art of weighing complex constitutional law cases and saying absolutely nothing."

Not that Thomas is without detractors. His most prominent critic is France's legendary mime, Marcel Marceau. Marceau, 74, boycotted the ceremony at the Palace of the Legion honoring Thomas as a "mime par excellence."

Marceau's criticism goes to the basics of mime. "Perhaps the most important fundamental is the skill of standing still, it is called standing neutrally," said Marceau. "However, I can find no instance of Thomas taking a neutral stand on anything, and I've looked on LexisNexis," he said.

Thomas has said in the past that he will ask a pertinent question if his colleagues don't, saying he feels no need to engage in back-and-forth just to hear the sound of his own voice. "Why should I," says Thomas, "when I have my art?"

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Does not recall committing wrongdoing

In a crushing defeat for Congressional Democrats, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has issued a report clearing himself of wrongdoing in the firing of 9.6 x 10³ U.S. Attorneys that is the focus of investigations by Congress.

Due to national security concerns, much of the 42-page report's contents have been classified. Copies released to the media and the House Judiciary Committee had over 41 pages blacked out. An unredacted passage, however, is clear enough: Gonzales reports he does not recall authorizing or learning of any wrongdoing, and therefore there isn't enough evidence for him to prosecute himself.

Another readable passage states: "In a post-9/11 world, a president needs to be able to swiftly reshuffle his team at any moment. Any federal appointee (except me) can be fired for any reason, so long as there is no intention to inflict serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death."

President Bush was quick to hail the report's findings. "I knew Alberto didn't do anything wrong, and that's good enough for me. Case closed."

Presidential spokesman Tony Slow told FOX News that Mr. Bush's opinion is final, and that the Congressional investigation is therefore indeed over. Slow told FOX correspondent Fawn Craven that the president is within his authority "under expansive, unitary-executive powers granted under Article II of the Constitution, although not in so many words," he said.

"It's done. Fini. Move on - dot - org," Slow said.

No wrongdoing by Wolfowitz

An inquiry conducted for the World Bank by the Justice Department has found no wrongdoing by World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz. A report issued today by the Attorney General's office found the bank's policies allow its president to arrange special favors for his girlfriend, "so long as there is no intention to inflict serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death."

President Bush was quick to hail the report's findings. "I read in the news that Wolfowitz had resigned with the bank," said the president. "That is good. I hope they resigned him to a long term contract, after everything they put him through," he added.

Goodbye, Hello: Blairs first to use new immigration rules

Outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie surprised the world today, concluding their farewell visit to the U.S. by announcing they instead would remain in the country under terms of the immigration reform compromise between Congress and the White House.

The Blairs said after they reached their decision Thursday, they purchased a recreational vehicle from a dealer in Landover, MD. The vehicle, currently designated Royal Air Force Two, is parked at the White House staff entrance and is hooked up to the White House's sewage and electricity systems.

Clad in lime green Bermuda shorts, polo shirt and sleeveless Argyle sweater, Mr. Blair said the couple would have stayed in the U.S. on their diplomatic passports, but they had forgotten them at home. "When we arrived at Andrews Air Force Base, we were sort of just waved through without anyone checking our documents," said Blair. "Because we're in effect illegal aliens, Cherie's and my only choice is the new immigration rules."

The Prime Minister told reporters he thought he and his wife would have a good chance at obtaining guest worker status. "I think the point system will work in my favor. While I never took your SAT test, back home I did earn several O levels."

"I want to see more of your great country, from behind the wheel of an RV. We're especially looking forward to Howard Johnson's, Sea Lion Caves, Trees Of Mystery and Wall Drug," the prime minister said.

"I understand from roadside signs that we're currently 1,500 miles from Wall Drug," said Cherie Blair.

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Observe national moment of silence. Again! Again! Again!

Teletubbies across all of Tubbyland are in mourning today, following Tuesday's death of the Rev. Jerry Falwell. Falwell, 73, is beloved by Tubbies for his work in promoting international awareness of all things Tubby.

As word spread yesterday of the televangelist's death, Tubbies everywhere were glued to each other's tummy screens for news about Falwell. TBC, TBS, NBT, TNN and TOX ran updates and file footage of Falwell throughout the day. Falwell also led the Tubby networks' evening newscasts.

Leading Tubbies reacted with shock and sadness. "Eh-oh," Tubby Laa-Laa said when told of the passing of Falwell. "What more can one say?"

"Tubbyland has lost one of the leading ambassadors of teletubby popularity," said Tubby Dipsy, leader of the opposition New Tubby Party.

Tubby Po, a Falwell friend who graduated from the pastor's Liberty University, was in seclusion and could not be reached for comment. A statement issued by Po's press officer urged Teletubbies give each other a Big Hug in Falwell's memory.

Tubby Prime Minister Tinky-Winky, who Falwell once attacked for being a homosexual symbol, set aside the past to speak from the heart.

"I think every Tubby said a quiet 'eh-oh' yesterday," said Winky. "We have lost a great friend, Tubbies will never forget how Rev. Falwell brought worldwide attention, interest and acclaim to Teletubbies."

"On behalf of Tubbyland, I say: Tubby bye-bye, Jerry Falwell," Winky said. "Tubby bye-bye."

Winky then led the nation in a moment of silence, followed by a declaration of a one month period of mourning.

A Tubby state funeral will be held for Falwell. Next Monday his body will lie in state in the Tubbytronic Superdome for all the Teletubbies to pay their respects. Voice trumpets will play "Taps." Narrator Voice will read from Psalms, and actor Peter Coyote will recite W.H. Auden's poem "Funeral Blues." Again! Again! Again!

Falwell will be attired in a purple suit, the traditional Tubby red Magic Bag on his arm.

Wolfowitz will be transferred

A special World Bank committee today announced it would not recommend firing its embattled president, Paul Wolfowitz. Instead, it directed transferring Wolfowitz. Yesterday the special panel found that Wolfowitz violated conflict-of-interest rules in arranging a generous pay package for his girlfriend.

Sharon Kindig, Director of Bank Operations for the World Bank, said Wolfowitz would take over as manager of the World Bank branch located inside the North 205th Street Costco in Shoreline, WA.

"The in-store branch offers Mr. Wolfowitz a marvelous opportunity to gain more banking experience, and better familiarize himself with World Bank policies while working with our customers," Kindig said.

Costco manager Barry Frandle said he looked forward to working with Wolfowitz. "We're in a development called Aurora Village, a really great location that's coming back," said Frandle. "We have a Home Depot and a Big 5 Sporting Goods. There's also a Metro transit center next door, which is really convenient for commuting," Frandle said.

Frandle said Wolfowitz could be a big help in organizing the March of Dimes Fun Run and upcoming United Way campaign.

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20,000 quotation marks to be deployed in Bush statements

The White House today announced plans for a "surge" of quotation marks President Bush and his administration uses in public statements. Included is domestic policy as well as statements concerning the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and the wider War on Terror. Situational relief spokesperson Emily Lawrimore said 20,000 quotation marks would be deployed.

Lawrimore (1-3, 5.72 ERA) said the surge would enable the White House, State Department and the Pentagon to add greater nuance to their messaging.

"From now on, when we talk about ‘making America "more safe",’ ‘taking "action" to make our environment "cleaner",’ ‘firing for "poor performance",’ ‘Mission "Accomplished",’ or even ‘ "bipartisan" "coöperation" ’ — let's just say there will be subtext galore," said Lawrimore.

Members of the Congressional English Majors Caucus said the Administration plan understates the true size of the surge. They said as many as 30,000 additional punctuation marks would be needed, including apostrophes, ellipses, brackets, em dashes, and air quotes.

Lawrimore said such additional punctutation would only be used in non-combat supporting roles. However, she drew the line at air quotes, which she called pre-9/11 gesturing. Cabinet officials, presidential advisors and department spokespersons instead would be instructed to raise their eyebrows or shrug, Lawrimore said.

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Posted May 14, 2007

Dear Leader,

How can I be popular again with the crowd I hang out with? I used to be tops in my clique, but over the last few years they've been pushing me further and further out.
      A couple weeks ago the people who want to have my job next held a beauty contest, and they only mentioned my name once! And now a new poll says only 28% of the people like me. I'm so lonely. Signed, Bicyclist Under Stress, and How!

Dear B.U.S.H!:
       Ah. The cult of personality. Popularity is an old problem for unitary executives: flying high in April, shot down in May. The pursuit of popularity once taught me an important lesson.
      I have enjoyed 100% popularity for years, but one time the Democratic People's Pollster at Kim Il Sung Vanguard of Enlightenment Community College told me I had dropped to 97%. Naturally, I had him executed. But after the legally required month-long public denunciation of his family, his Democratic People's Graduate Assistant told me about this thing pollsters have called Statistical Margin of Error. Polling is so imperfect that the so-called experts have to calculate how far off they are!
      In other words: Anything less than 100% is not to be believed — so you can rest easy!
      There is another lesson too — but not that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That is counterrevolutionary bourgeois propaganda, it is saying the glass is half empty.
      No, beauty is in the mind's eye of the person being beheld. So do like I do and throw yourself a stadium rally: nothing soothes the ego like seeing your portrait pixelated by a thousand flip-cards, and uniformed teenage girls running around waving red streamers.
      The glass is half full. Of a good cognac.

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Court wants to know if she has another outfit

A federal judge today authorized limited immunity for Monica Goodling, the former liaison between the White House and embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "This court rejects Monica Goodling's claim of self-incrimination as a reason not to testify in public on what she knows about the firing of the eight U.S. Attorneys," wrote federal district judge Thomas Hogan.

Goodling Office-casual

"But while we grant Ms. Goodling immunity for her testimony in this case, she does not have immunity from making fashion mistakes in the People's House," wrote Hogan. "We are tired of seeing the same photo in the media over and over again of Ms. Goodling at the Regent Law School Picnic," he wrote. "The court frankly wonders whether she has any other outfits."

Rep. John Conyers, House Judiciary Chairman, welcomed the finding of immunity. "Nothing about the firing of the U.S. attorneys looks good, least of all Ms. Goodling's white t-shirt and Target handbag," Conyers said. "I hope her testimony doesn't have as many holes as the jeans that pass for high fashion these days," he said.

Peter Yates, fashion correspondent for Congressional Quarterly, called Goodling's t-shirt and jeans look passé, and "not a power suit, but a power-failure suit."

Goodling released a statement through her attorney that she looks forward to appearing before the committee, and "intends to hit the outlet mall this weekend."

FOX News quickly announced it would begin round-the-clock "Mall Watch" coverage of Goodling as she prepares for her Capitol Hill appearance. "She's blonde and telegenic, the only thing better would be if she were missing off a cruise ship," said FOX's Greta Van Susteren.

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2nd wife persuasive with pro-remarriage voters

The early stage of a presidential horserace features many so-called "candidate beauty contests," so it not surprising that physical appearance has given a boost to the presidential aspirations of former Tennessee Republican Sen. Fred Thompson. But the person he has to thank is she who would be his First Lady.

The happy couple The Thompsons are #1 with fans of remarriage

In a recent poll, pro-remarriage voters ranked Jeri Kehn Thompson as the sexiest non-first wife of all the Republican candidates.

"The 2008 election is going to be about the remarriage issue," said pollster Keith Guccione, who conducted the survey for the Manhattan Island Liberty Foundation (MILF).

"Republicans are proving themselves far out in front in terms of understanding remarriage's growing importance in politics," Guccione said. He noted that pro-remarriage voters, mostly men 45-62 years old, are a major demographic segment of the baby boom generation.

According to Guccione, candidates must polish their remarriage credentials if they are to compete with the likes of Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani. Gingrich, although undeclared, is a hero for how he divorced his first wife while she was undergoing cancer treatment," said Guccione. "Then he divorced wife #2 and married a woman 23 years his junior."

Giuliani, also on wife #3, was leading among remarriage voters because of the way the second Mrs. Giuliani learned through a press conference that he was filing divorce. Giuliani's lead melted, said Guccione, when Thompson began making noises about running.

"Although Jeri met Sen. Thompson eleven years after he divorced his first wife, voters still prefer her due to the sheer magnitude of her hotness," Guccione said.

However, Guccione had advice for Thompson as he considers whether to formally declare his candidacy. "Jeri just turned 40. While her presence helps Fred Thompson hold his lead as the pro-remarriage candidate, pro-remarriage voters may soon begin wondering if it's about time he started thinking about moving on to a younger woman."

GOP members tell Bush to 'watch it'

House Republican moderates, in a remarkably blunt White House meeting, warned President Bush on Tuesday that the war in Iraq is damaging the GOP's electoral chances for 2008, and that he cannot count on their support for many more months.

"You just better watch it, buddy, is basically what we told him," said Rep. Jo Ann Emerson (MO-8).

The moderates' verbal warning was a last-minute change from the original plan, which called for stranding Mr. Bush on an ice floe off the Alaska coast. Due to global warming, an ice floe could not be found in time for the meeting.

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Loose cannons duelled with loose cannons

As Tuesday's state dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain came to the dessert course, it seemed the visit of Her Majesty and her husband Prince Phillip Mountbatten would end without any major diplomatic incidents. But on Tuesday night an argument erupted between Prince Phillip and Vice President Dick Cheney, partly over the War of 1812.

Sources with the General Services Administration say the royal party had just returned to Blair House across from the White House. Soon after, they were visited in their room by White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten.

Bolten presented the Queen with a bill for their stay (two days, three nights), sources say, which included damages inflicted on the White House by British troops in 1814, as well as the Blair House room service tab.

An argument about the charges soon ensued between Bolten and Prince Phillip. After several minutes Bolten said he would summon the manager.

Cheney soon arrived, but far from defusing the situation he made it worse:

FOIA Transcript
US Secret Service security audio

HRH Prince PHILLIP: Now see here, this charge for damages is ludicrous.

Vice President CHENEY: Your guys burned the White House. It's the Pottery Barn rule.

P: But $25 billion? That would pay for 21,000 troops in Iraq for a year.

C: Maybe the bill wouldn't be so big if you hadn't hit the minibar so hard.

P:I've had more little bottles of scotch than you've had hot meals, sonny. And anyway look who's talking.

C: What did you say?

P: When I go hunting, I hit the quarry, not the attorney.

C: You wanna step outside?

Attempting to push past each other and bumping shoulders the whole way, Cheney and Prince Phillip spilled out onto Pennsylvania Avenue. Raiding the weapons lockers of their respective motorcade SUVs, they pursued each other into Lafayette Park while trading small arms fire.

Trailed by their aides, the two second bananas came to the Spanish cannons around the statue of Andrew Jackson. Cheney and the Prince quickly loaded two of the cannon with grenades and let loose several volleys toward each other. However, they soon realized they were firing the smoke grenades their security details carry for use in crowd control.

Mrs. Lynne Cheney and Her Majesty then arrived to take charge of the scene, and hostilities quickly ceased.

"Come to bed, or you'll be all cross in the morning," the Queen was heard telling a chastened Phillip. Lynne Cheney smacked Mr. Cheney on the back of the head, but said nothing.

By Wednesday morning, the Vice President was far away, on an unexpected visit to Baghdad.

President Bush had little comment on the incident, except to say that he had heard the Vice President and the royal consort were not fighting, but reënacting an event of the 1814 sacking of Washington by the British army. "I'm the commander-guy, and Cheney's the historical-reënacting guy," the president said. "He's the reënactor."

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Stockpile of chlorine, water-weenies found

The Defense Department has announced the arrest of Mustafa al-Frandlani, a senior aide to Osama bin Laden. The arrest occurred in the loosely controlled region along the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan. Also known as Abu Dude, al-Frandlani is the poolboy at bin Laden's 120 acre compound in the Kunar Mountains. A stockpile of chlorine and embargoed pool-related goods were captured at the same time.

Captured Osama aide Abu Dude led U.S. to chemicals cache

At the White House, spokesperson Dana Perino cited the arrest as further evidence that President Bush's War on Terror is having success. "The capture of Abu Dude shows that the president's strategy of putting the pressure on bin Laden at home is working," said Perino. "We want to make life for him as inconvenient as possible, and ensuring that his swimming pool doesn't get skimmed is an important part of that strategy," she said.

Pentagon intelligence officials have long considered al-Frandlani to be #2 in the hierarchy of Osama bin Laden's domestic staff. Bin Laden requires a large household staff to manage the compound, which features a 12-bedroom, five-and-a-half bath Italianate villa with panoramic views of the Pech Valley.

The arrest marks the fourth member of the bin Laden inner circle to be captured. Already in custody at Guantanamo Bay are Mrs. van Meeder the cleaning lady, Lila the hippie chick who waters Osama's plants, and Art the dog walker. Number 1 on the coalition Most Wanted list, Osama's groundskeeper Mr. Takahashi, continues to evade capture.

Last month, NATO aircraft stepped up pressure by bombing a bicycle and jogging path near the bin Laden compound. Now that the Afghan summer is approaching, U.S. forces will try to prevent Sears contract repair technicians from servicing the villa's air conditioners.

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Bush confused by new French president

President George W. Bush sent a congratulatory message to President-elect Nicolas Sarkozy of France yesterday, following the French conservative's victory over Socialist candidate Segolene Royal. However, foreign policy observers are noting a degree of confusion in statements issued by the White House.

"I have sent a message to Nicola Sarkozy to congratulate her on an impressive election victory," the first statement quoted Mr. Bush as saying, time-stamped at noon Eastern Daylight Time. "I told the President-elect I look forward to working with her on matters of mutual importance to our two great countries, although the USA is still numero uno. I stand ready to personally give her the surprise shoulder massages I reserve for the leaders of friendly nations."

A short time later, an updated statement was released. "President Bush offered his congratulations to President-elect Nicolas Sarkozy of France, and regrets the confusion over his name," it read.

Shortly thereafter, as he was leaving the White House for his daily six-hour bike ride, the President made comments to reporters regarding Sarkozy.

"I don't know if I can work with a man who has a girl's name," Mr. Bush said as he checked the tire pressure on his Cannondale mountain bike. "I mean, come on — Nicola? How can I treat him serious? I'd giggle if I have to call him Nicola to his face," Mr. Bush said, giggling. "There, see? Like that."

Late Sunday night, a number of journalists received phone calls at home from White House press secretary Tony Slow, seeking to clarify Bush's statement. "How is he supposed to know the S is silent? The president has better things to do than brush up his French pronunciation," said Slow. "Better things, commander-guy things."

In related news, Sarkozy's positions on immigration and a longer, tax-free work week have made him the top choice of 34% of Iowa Republicans. The 2008 presidential preference poll of registered voters was conducted late Sunday.

And in further related news, the Republican lawmaker who turned French Fries into Freedom Fries on the House lunch menu, Rep. Walter B. Jones (NC-3), issued a statement urging Sarkozy to change the name of the Republic of France to the Republic of Free.

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MI-6 says Cheney is #2 rebel leader

(London) Conservative MPs reacted with outrage Friday, following revelations that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II had met with a high-ranking leader of the colonial insurgency in America, now in its 232nd year.

Her Majesty met with Richard B. Cheney abu Darth, who is regarded by British MI-6 as #2 in the hierarchy of the organization conducting the rebellion.

Tory leader David Cameron said he was taken by surprise at the meeting, which occurred during the Queen's visit to horse country west of the Virginia colony. Cameron called upon the Government to explain the meeting with Cheney. "Leave it up to a Labour Government to negotiate with terrorists," Cameron said. He said the Prime Minister should also disclose if any messages were given to Her Majesty for the insurgents.

Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett issued a statement insisting that "there is no question of any official contact with the insurgents, much less outright negotiations."

Queen meets rebel "Sorry about the Tea Party." "No you're not."

"The Queen and Cheney both happened to attend the same horse race," said Beckett. "She is, however, very concerned over the continuing violence going on in colonial cities on a daily basis. Her Majesty is within her rights to personally question anyone," Beckett added. "Frankly it would hardly be protocol for this Government to tell her otherwise."

Paul Keetch, shadow defence minister for the Liberal Democrats, renewed that party's call for an end to the war. "This is a civil war we have no business in. Colonists call our troops 'lobsterbacks,' and cowardly shoot at them from behind trees and stone walls. Our troops need to come home now."

"Elizabeth II is another in a line of heads of state who have failed to stop the insurgency. George III took us to war promising we would be greeted with turkey feasts and apple pies," Keetch said.

On a related matter, Keetch also called for an official inquiry into Government defence contracts. "This war is all about profits for the British East India Company and Hessian private security contractors," Keetch said.

Please allow me to break format for a moment

There's a new blog concept in town, and it's called Vocal Nation. Creator Tony Trupp posted his manifesto with us today, give it a look. In order to help out, we will reprint Mr_Blog pieces here for now. When I remember.

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Navy marine mammals to patrol Puget Sound

Puget Sound soon could have new guardians in the War of Terror. Under a Navy plan, specially trained dolphins and sea lions from San Diego will be on the lookout for fishy business in the Sound. The plan must still complete an environmental impact statement, due this fall.

Top Fin Lt. Pete "Tunabiter" Truncatus with unidentified sailor

According to the Navy, the animals are highly effective at locating potential threats, especially fish-flavored ones. In a test, two dolphins leapt at a sailor posing as a terrorist — one dolphin snatched a fish from the simulated terrorist's mouth, while the other gave her a kiss.

In another training exercise, sea lions had no trouble homing in on practice bombs disguised as beachballs.

Despite these successes, there is opposition from some quarters. Puget Sound waters are colder than the animals' current home, Point Loma on San Diego Bay, by as much as 10°, say marine biologists opposed to the program.

The Navy counters it safeguards the animals' health. "Veterinarians check them for illness," said Rear Admiral Scott Walters. "Between missions they hang out at their own heated pool at the officers club, and are given massages by octopuses."

"We also expect the Administraton's secret global warming defense strategy to heat Puget Sound eight to ten more degrees by 2020. Did I just say that out loud?" added Walters.

"Until they propose an alternative solution, critics should shut their blowholes and stop carping," Walters said.

iNews Friday

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator —

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"Tried to kill my dad"

Fresh from issuing only the second veto of his administration, President Bush today moved rapidly to issue the third: against Brassica oleracea Botrytis cymosa — broccoli.

Just after vetoing the supplemental funding for the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the scene shifted to the seldom-seen White House Pea Patch, where Mr. Bush declared broccoli a "vegetable of mass regurgitation."

"After all, this is the side dish that tried to kill my dad," said Bush, in reference to his father's well-known dislike for the cruciferous green. President George H.W. Bush banned it from the White House during his 1989-93 presidency.

"I saw him gag on the stuff many times, it's a yuckful food," said the younger Bush.

Asked whether he had sought the advice of nutritionists, Mr. Bush declared that there is disagreement concerning the scientific evidence for the benefits of broccoli. "In other words — scientists don't agree," he said.

"We should follow the example of Ronald Reagan, and substitute ketchup as our preferred vegetable," continued Mr. Bush. "And that's 'ketchup,' not 'catsup,' which sounds lahk sumpin' is hackin' up a furball," said the increasingly twangy-sounding Bush.

Does he have any other vetoes in store? The president smiled: "I'm just gettin' warmed up. Words longer'n three syllables, my daughters' boyfriends, Bill Moyers, Venezuela — lotta things need vetoing," Mr. Bush said.

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Congressman's superpower called 'miracle of science'

When was the last time you saw U.S. Representative Dave Reichert (WA-8)? If you can't recall, don't feel badly — you couldn't have seen him even if you tried. Scientists today confirmed that Reichert, a second-term Republican representing Seattle's eastern suburbs, has the power of invisibility. It is the first publicly acknowledged case of superpowers in all of human history.

Since January, when Democrats took over control of Congress, Reichert has made himself visible only once, to give constituents a progress report on the selection of a new U.S. Marshal for western Washington.

Sources at NASA and the National Institutes of Health say Reichert began consulting his family physician after the congressman began fading during 2006, as he campaigned for reëlection against Democratic challenger Darcy Burner.

"Reichert's invisibility seemed to grow stronger with every fundraising event he held that featured George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove," said Professor Michael "Bruce" Lucart, a senior researcher in Superheroism Studies at the University of Wallamalloo.

"Those are perhaps the three most politically radioactive people in the world, if not the galaxy," said Lucart. "Exposed to that level of radioactivity, Reichert's immune system went into overdrive. Sustained exposure gave his DNA the equivalent of a nervous breakdown, and that included visibility down to the cellular level," Lucart said. "Truly, he is a miracle of political science."

Although Reichert is invisible, is there any side effect that would allow observers to deduce his presence? According to Dr. Lucart, the only way to track Reichert's presence is his congressional voting record.

Reichert recently voted to prevent residents of Washington D.C. from having representation in Congress (HR 1905), against giving shareholders the right to vote on CEO pay (HR 1257), and against the supplemental appropriation to fund The Troops (HR 1591).

All superheroes need a nickname. Reichert is said to have narrowed a list of choices to Transparent Man, C-Thru and Super Dave, sources say.

When a reporter asked Reichert if he considered himself a miracle of evolution, the lawmaker demurred. "I have my GOP base to think about," Reichert said.

Coincidentally, Darcy Burner has been identified as the second human discovered to have superpowers. Nicknamed "Red Hot," Burner has the power to make neoconservative talking points burst into flames.

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There are 9 comments

Kvatch

May 25, 2007 - 03:27

Subject: Goodling to lead NEA

Goodling to NEA. Rumsfeld to the World Bank. Wolfowitz to the UN.

Everybody...SWITCH!

Kvatch

May 25, 2007 - 03:29

Subject: French honor Clarence Thomas

Hey! My comment from a day or two ago didn't post. That sucks!

What I said was that the criticism from Mr. Marceau was a bit...uh...wordy? I would have thought that a frosty look would be more his style.

Kvatch

May 13, 2007 - 05:58

Subject: Goodling gets immunity, must testify

A red-stater unfit for the red carpet. How...uh...unexpected?

BTW... Haloscan really suck ass these days.

Reply to Kvatch

Editor

May 13, 2007 - 08:43

Subject: Re: Goodling gets immunity, must testify

"BTW... Haloscan really suck ass these days."

What's the problem? I haven't noticed. BTW, your sidebar is hawking Bill O'Lie-ly's book...

Kvatch

May 09, 2007 - 08:32

Subject: The S is silent

In related news, Sarkozy's positions on immigration and a longer, tax-free work week have made him the top choice of 34% of Iowa Republicans.

Well, they need something. They're starting to turn toward Fred "A Russki don't take a dump without a plan son" Thompson.

Gary

May 08, 2007 - 22:03

Subject: The S is silent

No need to specify the French President...Dumbya is JUST CONFUSED!

Tony

May 08, 2007 - 02:41

Subject: Bush vetoes broccoli

Hey, I apologise in advance if this is off topic. I was looking for a contact form on your site but didn't see one.

Anyway, a while back I got kind of pissed off flipping between the O'Rielly Factor and Democracy Now, not so much because the had such completely different views, but rather because they both claimed to be objective. So I started coding a website that would allow people to be called out on biased opinions, where the community would decide which ideas get the most recognition. Well, after 6 months of work, I'm finally launching it: VocalNation.net

I'm placing the control of this site, and control of the debate, largely in the hands of those who read this message. I'm starting things off by just picking a handful of conservative and liberal blogs to mention this to so that it will at least start off with a good balance of opinions from either side. I'm hoping that you could mention the site to your readers? After that, I guess it'll be the side with the strongest arguments that'll take control dictate what direction the conversation goes. I've already had a number of conservatives sign up and a few have added postings, while the liberals seem to be lagging behind a bit.

Also if you don't want this post on your site, could you please at least let me know so I can add another blogger in your place to keep it balanced to start off with?

Thanks - Tony
VocalNation.net

Reply to Tony

Tony

May 07, 2007 - 10:16

Subject: Re: Bush vetoes broccoli

Hey Man, thanks a lot for the mention to your readers. It's much appreciated!

Kvatch

May 06, 2007 - 02:11

Subject: Bush vetoes broccoli

Words longer'n three syllables, my daughters' boyfriends, Bill Moyers, Venezuela — lotta things need vetoing," Mr. Bush said.

"...that lesser university in Texas--the one that rejected mah library."

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- This Month +
      Where's the Archive?

1 Rep. Reichert invisible
2 Bush vetoes broccoli
4 Operation Tailfin
6 Queen meets with insurgent
7 The S is silent
9 Osama's poolboy captured
10 Cheney, Prince Phillip skirmish
11 Thompson presidential bid gets boost
12 Goodling gets immunity, must testify
14 Dear Leader by Kim Jong Il
15 New "surge" proposed
16 Teletubbies mourn Falwell
18 Gonzales clears himself
22 French honor Clarence Thomas
23 Bush: "can't stop being a-scared of evildoers"
24 Goodling to lead NEA
25 Bird in Bush attack
30 Administration boasts of economic success