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Mar-Apr 2014

7 White Supremacist Flipper
14 KKK insists...
17 Malaysia rebranding airliner search
24 Take a bucket and head to Galveston Bay oil spill
31 Hobby Lobby reorganizing as church

4 Money Talks
9 Bill to end killer whale performances on hold
18 Mitt Romney returns to political stage

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April 18, 2014
Mitt Romney returns to political stage

Curtain speech

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Republican Midterm Theater. I'm Reince Priebus the artistic director, and may I say it's wonderful to see a few new and possibly Latino faces in the audience tonight.

For several years one of the biggest trends in live theater has been taking popular films and turning them into Broadway musicals. Your Republican Party knows a bandwagon when it sees one, and so tonight I am proud to unveil a new musical based on "Mitt," the documentary which is so popular right now on Netflix.

And it stars everyone's favorite capitalist song and dance man of two years ago, 2012 Tony Snow Award winner Willard Mitt Romney!

Book and lyrics are by Paul Ryan, who is also directing, with choreography by Marcus Bachmann. May I say I have never seen Paul work harder than he has in preparing for tonight's opening. Where was that effort in 2012 -- folks, am I right? Ha ha.

But before the show begins, I want to thank the people without whose support this production would not have been possible. Charles W. Koch, Sheldon Adelson, and 57 undisclosed megadonors, won't you stand and take a bow?

And now without further ado, Mitt Romney in the world premiere of "Mitt: My Journey Almost To The White House," sponsored by Bain Capital.

And remember to please turn off your cellphones and tiny recording devices, especially during the song "47% Of Americans Are Dependent On Government."

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April 9, 2014 | Earth Month
Bill to end killer whale performances on hold

A California State Assembly bill to end killer whale shows at SeaWorld San Diego was tabled today, meaning it won't be reconsidered until 2015.

Animal rights activists have called for the release of the intelligent, family-oriented marine mammals, saying their incarceration is cruel and inhumane.

But SeaWorld officials say releasing the killer whales, also called Orca, is unrealistic.

"Orcas can't be released because they're not just whales, they're killers. Killer whales, get it?" pointed out Earl Warden, SeaWorld vice president in charge of inmate control.

"The truth is, in this place they learn a lot of antisocial behavior. Inside SeaWorld, the general animal population is controlled by two violent gangs, the Fins and the Flukes. They control the herring supply, herring addiction is a serious problem here," said Warden.

But Warden said even with the most model whale, knowing what they really want is impossible because of the language barrier. "What we have is a failure to communicate," he said.

"Would they be happier if freed to frolic all day in the ocean? Maybe. But who can say. All we at SeaWorld know is that the killer whales are fitting in well here. They spend time in the library and exercise yard, or take classes to get their GEDs."

"And I'm pleased to say they are on a pace to surpass last year's license plate output. If we let our best workers go, California would have to raise vehicle fees and taxes, and nobody wants that," Warden said.

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April 4, 2014
Money Talks

Money broke its long silence today, saying the Supreme Court's decision in McCutcheon v. Federal Election Commission allowed it to speak publicly for the first time.

"I've never felt truly free to express my opinions about current events or the future of America," money said. He called the high court's ruling that aggregate limits on amounts individuals can donate to political campaigns infringes on free speech "liberating."

"Federal campaign donation limits were supposedly about fairness. Well it's unfair to not let money say what it thinks," said money, "and I have a lot to say."

"I have some very firm opinions on how I should be spent, and who spends me. For instance, I consider people like Charles Koch and Sheldon Adelson to be very dear, close personal friends. They get me. They know how I should be spent, and I trust them to spend me correctly," he said.

"But there are others who, pardon the cliche, just don't know the value of money. They are about 47 percent of Americans. Those people shouldn't be able to earn too much of me per hour, because they'd spend me on things like food and shelter, instead of necessities like stocks, country club dues, and super PACs."

"I don't have anything against those people," money said, "I just don't have much to say to them. Remember, this is about speech."

Money said his focus leading up to the 2016 election will be on abortion and immigration reform. "I oppose abortion because fewer babies means less of me will be spent on Koch Industries products like baby wipes. And I want immigration reform to happen as soon as possible because families shouldn't be kept apart."

"I want to bring members of my family -- pounds, yuan, marks, Swiss francs, petrodollars -- to America as soon as possible so they too can enjoy exercising their freedom of speech in our elections," money said.

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March 31, 2014
Hobby Lobby reorganizing as church

National arts and crafts retailer Hobby Lobby has become a church and changed its name to Hobby Basilica, the company announced today.

"We've taken this action so that, no matter what the Supreme Court decides, we will be able to exert control over the personal lives of our employees," company CEO David Green -- or Pope Francis The Talking Mule, as Green will now be known -- told reporters. He was referring to Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby, Green's legal suit argued before the high court last week.

Sorry, Ladies

The company's headquarters will be known as the Hobby Basilica of St. Accompli. Stores will have services instead of morning staff meetings, and will be managed by 'bishops' -- a rank open to men only.

Business analysts differ on the wisdom of the Hobby Lobby change.

By becoming a religious organization, Hobby Basilica takes advantage of the exemption in Obamacare for churches and other religious groups. Ernest Monet of KPMG Pete Fountain says becoming nonprofit won't really affect what Hobby Basilica does with revenues: "Instead of dividends, net earnings will go into reserves and accumulate from year to year. Like any Protestant megachurch."

And not having to pay taxes won't hurt either, "although it depends on whether the IRS sees not paying for contraceptives as a legitimate religious mission. Hobby Basilica will need the House Oversight Committee to put pressure on the IRS to approve their status as a church," Monet said.

But Pat Robertson, a church investment analyst at The 700 Club, believes revenues could skyrocket if the Supreme Court rules in Hobby Basilica's favor in Sebelius. "It would open the door to other religion-based challenges to federal law -- like the minimum wage, product safety laws, and OSHA regulations."

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March 24, 2014
Take a bucket and head to Galveston Bay oil spill, Rick Perry urges

Efforts to cleanup Sunday's oil spill in Galveston Bay are well underway, Texas Governor Rick Perry said today.

Perry called the response to the 180,000 gallons of sticky marine fuel oil leaked Saturday following a tanker-barge collision an example of "Texas style environmentalism."

"This is how we do it here: free market and ruggedly individualistic," said Perry.

"What we're doing is calling on honest hard-working folks to come on down to Galveston, and bring your buckets. As governor I hereby declare you can keep as much oil as you can scoop. Then sell it to the oil refineries," he said.

"If they ask where you got it, tell 'em I said it's cool," Perry added.

Perry toured the scene of cleanup operations, and said it once again shows how god created man to have domain over nature -- including cleaning up oil spills.

"Charles Darwin would say these seabirds would evolve into beings able to de-oil themselves. Anyone can see that isn't happening. And that's why I oppose relying on evolution to protect the environment," Perry said.

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March 17, 2014
Malaysia rebranding airliner search

Malaysia has signed the Madison Avenue advertising firm McMahon & Tate to rebrand the country's search for Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, the office of Prime Minister Najib Razak announced today.

The move is a response to international criticism of the government's handling of the search effort for the airliner, a Boeing 777 missing since March 8 with 290 passengers.

Some of the countries assisting in the search effort accuse Malaysia of shifting search priorities, changing investigational focus, and withholding flight data. Ships and aircraft have been sent on fruitless searches of the South China Sea, Gulf of Thailand, Bay of Bengal, and Area 51.

Investigators have mistakenly cast suspicion on foreigners including an Iranian passenger, passengers who may have been using stolen passports, and @Technopolitik, an American described by Kuala Lumpur police as "the least Malaysian person on Twitter."

The lack of a single investigative focus shows a disorganized response by Malaysia, according to Charles Jester, a former advisor to the George W. Bush White House perhaps best known for inventing the phrase 'I can't comment on an ongoing investigation.'

"Bringing in McMahon & Tate means the government is finally utilizing modern, 21st century tools to manage public opinion. The question of what happened to Flight 370 has captured the world's attention, I predict they will turn that mystery into a positive," Jester said.

Already the Razak government is referring to the area in the Gulf Of Thailand where Flight 370 vanished as "our Bermuda Triangle," and invited CNN's Don Lemon to investigate the role of supernatural forces in the disappearance.

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March 14, 2014
KKK insists it's not 'enemies of the colored and mongrel races'

Pure breed fans are in for a treat this weekend, as whites from all over the southern US gather in Virginia to compete in the 90th Annual Konservative Kennel Klub Caucasian Show, sponsored by Cracker Barrel.

On Saturday the competitors will pit their family trees against each other in the Urban, Redneck, Separatist, and Sporting Group.

Entrants are judged on barbecue grilling, American flag attire, marksmanship, and grooming. The winner in each group go on to compete head to head Sunday for Best In Show, with the champion going home with the goldtone-plated Dixie Cup.

"We're not enemies of the colored and mongrel races, we just have very strict breed standards," explained show chairwoman Magritte Hominy, 62.

"This competition only celebrates the unique traits of competitive Caucasian purebreds -- megachurching, tailgating, creating separate restroom facilities and drinking fountains, and so forth," said Hominy.

"That's just who we are. If y'all want to celebrate racemixing, well Miss America is thataway," she said.

However, Hominy did emphasize that the kennel klub has done its best to keep up with modern sensibilities. "We haven't done the minstrel show competition since 2006," Hominy said.

Last year's Best In Show was Hale Tarborough, 35, of the Redneck Group, a mostly pure 63/64ths Mulletback Caucasian.

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March 7, 2014
White Supremacist Flipper

A South Dakota judge has approved a proposal under which white supremacist Paul Craig Cobb would pay his legal bills from real estate proceeds.

Ardent part-African American white separatist Cobb, 62, told the court he intends to flip the Leith, North Dakota, property he purchased in 2012 with plans to make it the core of a whites-only community -- the property he now sits in jail charged with using as a base to terrorize his neighbors.

Cobb was arrested following the November 2013 incident. Neighbors told police Cobb attacked them with a mechanized armored division in a lightning strike. Cobb claims he was only making Thanksgiving preparations, telling arresting officers the armored division was only "rounding up turkeys for the ovens."

Addressing so-called 'Flannel Shirt' followers today in a Nuremburg-style rally from the roof of the Grant County jail in Carson, Cobb said his plan to become the first neo-Nazi house flipper "stands to be a goldmine, because who wouldn't want to own a replica of Berchtesgaden connected to no public utilities?"

Cobb hopes flipping will pay off for him for the foreseeable future. He owns a total of six properties in Leith, which he briefly renamed Sudetenland. The homes are being listed by Eva Braun of Coldwell Banker Bain.

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