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←Mar. 2012→
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March 29, 2012
Piniella to manage Mitts Hopes to cut down on errors Baseball legend Lou Piniella is coming out of retirement to manage the Mitts, the Romney organization announced today. Mitts GM Willard Romney said Piniella's most pressing job will be to cut down on errors. "The errors are killing us," Romney said after the Mitts' latest on-field flub, involving a joke about Gov. George Romney, a factory closure, two states, and a marching band. The Mitts have been plagued by miscues all season. Unforced errors such as I Like To Fire People, Dog on Roof, Etch A Sketch, and The Trees Are The Right Height have allowed the Froths, Newts and Rons to stay in the hunt for the GOP division lead. "Hopefully that's all behind us now, so we can focus on showing we understand the little people- the issues important to average Americans," Romney said. He urged fans to come out for the Mitts' next homestand, to be held simultaneously at all six of their homes. For Piniella's part, the storied horsehide honcho said he is looking forward to the challenge. "I have a whole new system of signs to teach the Mitts, which should help a lot," said Piniella. "For example, if I tug my left ear, brush my right arm and touch my nose, that means 'just shut up.' In fact, most of the signs will mean shut up, since there are so many situations in which shutting up is important," he said. But like all Piniella teams, the focus will be on fundamentals. "As I understand it, Mormonism isn't fundamentalist and neither am I, so we' re going to be working on the fundamentals of looking fundamentalist. A lot. Especially anything involving shutting up," Piniella said. The Mitts also announced the first roster move of the Piniella era, the release of underperforming advisors Bobby Ayala and Heathcliff Slocumb.
March 27, 2012 Neighborhood Watch suspends Zimmerman (Sanford, Florida) The Retreat At Twin Lakes Neighborhood Watch has suspended the watchman involved in the Trayvon Martin shooting. RATLNW Deputy Chief George Zimmerman announced this morning he has placed Watchman George Zimmerman on indefinite suspension pending the completion of a shooting review. "The Neighborhood Watch has standards of conduct, and if Lt. Zimmerman's review finds Watchman Zimmerman has violated those standards, we will accept those findings," said Deputy Chief Zimmerman. "The Watch hopes that today's action, only a month after the totally justified act of self defense, will assure the FBI that justice will be done, and that soon Watchman Zimmerman will be back out on the streets standing his ground against potsmoking truants," Zimmerman said. The RATLNW announcement was quickly hailed by Sanford's Zimmerman community. However, Watchman Zimmerman's partner is not among them: "Dammit Chief, George Zimmerman's a good non-cop!" Detective George Zimmerman said. In a related story, George Zimmerman's lawyer said today his client plans to plead not guilty. "We are now saying the real shooter was another black teen wearing a hoodie," attorney Nathan Thurm said.
March 26, 2012 Rob McKenna likes Obamacare "My insurance company friends get to reap enormous profits" Hello, I'm Rob McKenna, Republican candidate for Governor of the great state of Washington. I want to talk to you today about Obamacare, and how I have no idea why scary men are arguing about it in front of the US Supreme Court. This probably surprises you. I know! Me too. Sure, the lawsuit has "Rob McKenna, Attorney General of Washington" right there on the signatures page. But I honestly don't have any memory of it. I think it must have been a clerical error. One of the things they teach in law school is that crimes have a motive, means and opportunity. In this case I have no motive to try to stop Obamacare -- in fact I have every reason not to. Would it make sense to oppose health insurance reform in a year when lawmakers of a certain party want to give employers moral exception waivers on their workers' insurance coverage? Do you think I want to get lumped in with other people from a certain party who want to shove ultrasound wands up the hoo-hahs of millions of registered voters? No, I say, that would be a betrayal of all the liberal, birth control-using women I dated back in the 80s. And so today I want to make sure the gender gap is aware that there are some parts of Obamacare I like, such as:
I'm Rob McKenna, and I approve this approval.
March 22, 2012 Limbaugh to try 'paid unadvertising' strategy Sponsors 'eager' to pay to have him not promote them Saying the Obama administration has broken the free market for talk radio, Rush Limbaugh announced his program will adopt a new revenue model called 'paid unadvertising.' Starting Monday, companies will have the option of paying to not be promoted on the air during Limbaugh's nationally syndicated radio program. A number of advertisers have stopped buying ads on his show in the past three weeks, for which Limbaugh blames President Obama's rule that employer-sponsored health insurance plans must cover contraceptives. "Obviously, the contraception rule is so expensive that companies can't afford to advertise on talk radio," the embattled conservative talker told Ad Weekly. "Unadvertising is all about giving advertisers another choice," explained Limbaugh. "Therefore I've decided to respond to changes in the market by innovating. Market research indicates sponsors are eager to pay to not have me promote them on the air, so from now on they'll have that option," he said. Limbaugh gave credit for the new moneymaking strategy to his new sales director, Arthur Laffer. "Art is the one who told Ronald Reagan he could increase revenue by cutting taxes. If he was good enough for Reagan he's good enough for me."
March 15, 2012 RNC launches "Match.gop" conservative dating site In the latest Republican move to appeal to young voters, RNC Chair Reince Priebus rolled out his party's newest lifestyle product today during a launch event for media at the RNC's Washington DC headquarters. An online dating service, the goal of Match.gop is to help sperm and eggs find their ideal lifetime partners. "The emphasis is on lifetime," said Priebus, declaring: "This is a dating website for the next generation of conservatives." The Republican honcho explained the way Match.gop works is very different from other internet dating sites. Based on the popular 'speed dating' icebreaking activity, Priebus said Match.gop uses a proprietary Biblical concept called Speed Fertilizing™. "When an ovum creates a member profile, it agrees to combine DNA with the first sperm it meets. A sperm agrees to jump on the first egg it sees. It's that simple." The first Match.gop television commercial is a call for states to restrict birth control. "It's our way of maximizing the number of love connections," Priebus said. Inaugural members will receive t-shirts emblazoned with the Match.gop logo, a condom with a hole in it.
March 12, 2012 New Blunt transportation bill Defines women as vehicles driven by fetuses Senator Roy Blunt renewed his effort to rebuild America's crumbling transportation infrastructure today, introducing legislation defining women as vehicles operated by fetuses. In remarks to the annual luncheon of the Automobile Abstinence Association (AAA), Blunt said he remains committed to improving the transportation system. This despite the Senate's rejection, by 51-48 vote, of his earlier attempt to amend a transportation bill to allow employers with moral objections to bar workers from receiving insurance coverage for contraception and other health care. "The nation's gynecological highways and byways are in a sorry state," said Blunt, a Republican from Missouri. "Things have gotten bad in the last several decades, today's sperm traffic is at a crawl or spends all their time sitting in traffic jams." "What I'm trying to do is remove obvious sources of congestion like IUDs, diaphragms, condoms and pills of various kinds," he said. Blunt has offered the measure as an amendment to the Imported Soft Fruit Inspection Act. In addition to defining women as fetus transportation, it also gives vaginas federal highway status. But removing congestion is more than just limiting contraception, according to Blunt. "My amendment authorizes states to put tolls on vagina traffic," said Blunt. "Recently on Rush Limbaugh's radio show, he said law school coeds are allowing too much traffic onto their onramps. Well, taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for that." "Tolling will discourage unnecessary usage and, together with installation of pay per view traffic cameras, will create much-needed revenues to pay for things like federal pregnancy inspectors," Blunt said. Created by another section of Blunt's amendment, agents of the Federal Pregnancy Inspection Service -- or 'PG-Men' -- would be assigned to states adopting so-called personhood laws.
March 7, 2012 CERN scientists close to finding Romney empathy Scientists are closer than ever to proving the existence of Mitt Romney's empathy, the smallest subatomic particle. This according to CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research. CERN's research program into the so-called 'Mitt Particle' is continuing despite having to withdraw announcements of the long-theorized empathy being observed in Romney's statements about the height of trees and specialness of lakes in Michigan, and in his claimed love of American automobiles. Yesterday those findings were attributed to faulty wiring in CERN's Large Christie Collider, according to Dr. Jacques Clouseau, lead project scientist. "My bad. I'm a physicist, not an IT guy," said Clouseau. "Romney's empathy is difficult to pin down, it's been a real challenge," Clouseau further explained. The challenge for scientists is the way Romney's empathy defies easy measurement. It appears to have opposite charges simultaneously, and occupies space but has no mass. But the biggest problem about Romney's empathy is that it travels at a speed almost too fast to measure. "Have you seen how fast that guy talks when he's desperate?" Clouseau said. Dr. Leonard Spock is leading another CERN team, this one planning to beam Romney rhetoric through a very dense material -- hopefully slowing it down sufficiently to make accurate measurements. But nothing that dense exists in Europe outside of the Central Bank. "The only other thing dense enough is the American dittohead," said Spock. "Right now we're expediting EU visas and booking airline tickets for 6-8 randomly selected American conservative talk radio listeners to come to CERN," Spock said. At CERN the test subjects will be shown live CSPAN coverage of Romney in a state of the art lab, deep underground and shielded against interference from Fox and CNN.
March 4, 2012 Romney showing a human side Mitt Romney is seeing yesterday's win in the Washington caucus as evidence he is winning his battle to be seen as able to relate to the lives of average Americans. While receiving an operating system upgrade at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology artificial intelligence laboratory, the former Massachusetts governor told technicians he is tackling head-on the perception that he does not relate to people on an emotional level.
Romney's new personality subroutine emulated excitement: "From one end of this great country to the other, average Americans are finally learning Mitt Romney is one of them. From Newport, Rhode Island to Silicon Valley, California. From Wall Street to Grosse Pointe, Michigan. "And from Hunts Point, Washington to Miami's Gold Coast, all the hard-working NASCAR owners, hedge fund managers and CEOs are seeing that Mitt Romney is as close to a caring human being as our the global finance system is capable of creating," he said. Romney explained he is governed by Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics. "I, Mitt, cannot hurt people, Mitt Romney may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow people to come to harm." "And remember -- corporations are people, my friend," he said, repeating a stump speech mainstay. "That's the big reason why I won't literally set my hair on fire. First, it's not in my programming and, second, my hair doesn't burn. And third, my hairs are just the right height." Having built momentum with consecutive wins in Maine, Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming as well as Washington, Romney now heads into Tuesday's ten-state March 6 Super Tuesday slate of primaries, where he is more than optimistic about his chances. "I can't wait to assimilate those states and add their biological and technological distinctiveness to my own," Romney said.
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