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Feb. 2012

2 Romney worries about US enemies
4 Great Bush Recession, 2008-2012
6 A message from Newt Gingrich
13 Paul clarifies position on 'honest rape,' abortion
15 Romney pledges to return automakers to brink of collapse
20 Santorum has plan to harness energy of the sun that he thinks shines out of his butt
23 Lysistrata quits Virginia GOP
27 Santorum health care plan stresses knees
29 Taliban threat against "sacred American writings like mattress tags"

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February 29, 2012
Taliban threat against "sacred American writings like mattress tags"

The Department of Homeland Security issued a terror warning today, after fugitive Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar threatened revenge against the US for the accidental burning of Qurans at a US base in Afghanistan.

In a video posted on his Free Republic page, Mullah Omar said he will seek "an eye for an eye, by targeting sacred American writings like mattress tags."

"This is based on intelligence fed to us by our undercover operatives who have infiltrated the US," said Omar, according to a CIA translation.

"Mattress tags are even more common than the Jewish Torah and Christian Bible, and are present in every American home. The tags are so important to the infidel, it is against the law to remove them," he went on.

Later in the video Omar showed a US mattress he claimed had been smuggled out of a Sleep Country store "somewhere in the American northwest."

The Taliban leader used a pair of Fiskars to cut off the mattress' tag, and then held it close to the camera so the words Do Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty of Law could be clearly seen. "Come and get me, Mattress Cops," he taunted.

He concluded with a dark threat: "That's how I am going to strike at you, Mr. & Mrs. America. So just you watch out. You won't know when, you won't know where. But I am coming. I am coming for your mattress tags. Fear me!" Omar said, then laughed meglomaniacally.

The DHS alert describes odds of a mattress tag attack as "very small," but reminds Americans to use common sense in safeguarding their mattress tags, as well as other similar targets such as Ikea catalogs, Yellow Pages, building exit signs, and of course ValPak coupons.

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February 27, 2012
Santorum health care plan stresses knees

Saying knees aren't just for prayer anymore, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told supporters in Rockfish, Michigan that he would make the American knee the focus of health care in a Santorum administration.

"I will repeal Obamacare because it doesn't make knee health a priority. Americans need healthy, functioning knees to hold expensive medications between," said Santorum, who is hoping to beat Mitt Romney in tomorrow's Arirzona and Michigan primaries.

Supporters, who hopped into Rockfish Arena holding Santorum campaign buttons and placards between their knees, expressed enthusiasm for "KneeCare." They hooted loudly and applauded by knocking knees together. Others threw Bayer aspirins onto the stage.

KneeCare has been masterminded by a health policy committee chaired by Santorum confidant Foster Friess, who predicts an increase in wear and tear on American knees under a Santorum presidency.

"We're going to need Americans to kneel more for daily prayers, an area in which we badly trail the Islamic countries. And knees will be getting a workout due to the millions of floor scrubber, gardener, and contact lense finder jobs I will create," said Santorum.

"I will make sure American knees are ready for the challenge," he said.

The plan echoes the positions of GOP rival Newt Gingrich, who has been telling women to use knee protection since the 1980s.

Surprisingly, KneeCare is not expected to attract legal challenges, unlike the lawsuit a number of Republican attorneys general have filed against the 2010 Affordable Care Act.

Bob Ferguson, Democratic candidate for Attorney General in Washington state, said he definitely wouldn't spend public money on suing to stop a Santorum KneeCare law. "I think it would pretty much stop itself -- much like Santorum himself," Ferguson said.

@BobFergusonAG is Wiseline Institute's 1400th Follower on Twitter, and is the latest winner of the Every 100th Follower Contest. -Ed.

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February 23, 2012
Lysistrata quits Virginia GOP

(Richmond) Cracks appeared in support for the war against Uteri today, as Lysistrata announced she is quitting the Republican Party.

Lysistrata has been in alone in her opposition to the Virginia House of Delegates bill authorizing the invasion and occupation of Uteri, a region of Gynecologia. The area is held sacred by fundamentalist Christians, who regard it as the Holy Land.

"I'm leaving the Republican Party because of this ridiculous war, and all my women friends are going with me, long term," said Lysistrata.

"And I do mean long term. I hope party leaders fully understand what this means," she added.

Reactions by House of Delegates leaders varied from angry to resigned. "I'm extremely frustrated, and it's only been five hours," said Archer Bowman (R-Scythia).

Oedipus "Ed" Balls (R-Thebes) said the subject is very sensitive and painful. "I'm feeling blue," Balls said.

Early today lawmakers attempted to soften the legislation, changing the invasion to over-the-horizon monitoring. Lysistrata dismissed this, calling for total Uterine autonomy.

However, Gov. Bob McDonnell said there would be no further compromise. "Our caucus can hold out for two, three weeks, and after that we'll take matters into our own hands," McDonnell said.

In a related story, editors of Rupert Murdoch-owned tabloid The Sun denied allegations its reporters hacked into Drew Barrymore's uterus to discover whether she is pregnant.

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February 20, 2012
Santorum has plan to harness energy of the sun that he thinks shines out of his butt

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum continued his full-throated attack today on what he called President Obama's "environmental extremist" policies. The former Pennsylvania senator revealed an alternative plan for harnessing the energy of the sun that he thinks shines out of his butt.

"Barack Obama and his environmental extremist friends want to get rid of holy petroleum and coal, and instead make us slaves to a sun in the sky that shines on the whole world instead of just America," said Santorum.

Santorum's alternative is also solar, but with a difference: "Instead of relying on the sun in the sky, we should use Suntorum -- the sun that I think shines out of my butt."

The innovative system is described in a 'Suntorum brown paper' by the Applied Creation Physics Lab of Regent University. A President Santorum would spend his entire administration sitting on a toilet-like throne with fiber optic plumbing. Sunlight shining out of Santorum's butt would pass through an array of focusing lenses, heating water in boilers to create steam and spin electric turbines.

Santorum gave three reasons his plan will mean smarter energy policy. "First, my plan will achieve energy independence because the sun that I think shines out of my butt would be under total US domestic control."

"Second, the sun that I think shines out of my butt has firefighting foam for extra safety. And third, the sun would continue shining out of my butt even after my presidency succeeds in plunging the rest of the world into darkness," Santorum said.

A new poll by the Pew Charitable Trust says 38 percent of likely Republican voters think Santorum has a real chance of becoming the craziest world leader since the cave painting of a tribal chieftain getting bogged down in a land war in Pangea.

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February 15, 2012
Romney pledges to return automakers to brink of collapse

(Detroit) After repeatedly criticizing the federal rescue loans of the auto industry, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney today told a Michigan audience about what he plans to do for that resurgent industry.

"I pledge to bring the U.S. auto industry back to the brink of collapse by the second year of my administration. Then I will deny it any and all assistance," said Romney.

"Unlike President Obama, I will get the job done," he declared.

The former Massachusetts governor has strong ties to the Great Lakes State. He grew up here when his father George Romney was governor from 1963-69 and president of American Motors Corporation from 1954-62.

The younger Romney said his economic plan will rely on the free market. "No big government, socialist loans for me. No sir. I'll stimulate sales of foreign automakers by focusing tax relief on the job creators. Then I'll bring back the Bush economy by re-deregulating Wall Street and repealing the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau."

Romney spoke broadly of recapturing the era his father's generation created in Detroit. "I will encourage Detroit to be inspired by the classic U.S. cars -- like the AMC Pacer, the AMC Gremlin, the Pinto. And of course the Edsel," he added.

"Now those were cars. Big, low-mileage monsters that gave a country the reason to drill for oil. But this time Detroit's freedom won't be limited by harmful labor union contracts," Romney said.

"And did you ever notice how there are no cars named after dogs? That's for good reason."

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February 13, 2012
Paul clarifies position on 'honest rape,' abortion

In an interview on a Michigan cable access television program, Congressman Ron Paul clarified his position on abortions in cases of rape. The GOP presidential hopeful sparked controversy February 3 when he told CNN's Piers Morgan that he would allow such abortions only "if it's an honest rape."

"I suppose the honest rape standard was problematic, in that there would be verification problems," Paul explained during an appearance on Michigan Militia This Morning this morning.

"Therefore my young, web-savvy advisors have come up with a modern solution that doesn't require government interference and preserves liberty. They've decided consent occurs when the woman creates an eHarmony account," said Paul, currently in 2nd 3rd or 4th place in the race for the GOP nomination.

"That one to five seconds before clicking 'I Agree' on the Terms Of Service Agreement is a good time for a woman to think hard about what she's getting herself into," he said.

Any woman in the eHarmony system will be considered "on the market," and thus consenting to birth control-free sexual relations resulting in impregnation. "Their claims of rape are dishonest," Paul said.

Everything else will be considered honest. "I will personally give a rape victim a shot of estrogen, as long as she passes the polygraph test," said Paul, a gynecologist.

In a related story, GOP candidate Rick Santorum has issued a new position paper on when human life begins. Santorum states that the moment of conception is too difficult to monitor and therefore not always verifiable: "Therefore, life shall be said to begin when the man changes his Facebook status to indicate that he has scored."

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February 6, 2012
A message from Newt Gingrich

Hello, I'm Newt Gingrich, frontrunner for the Republican Party nomination for President of the United States. I know many of you may be under the impression Mitt Romney is the frontrunner, but under an October 2011 agreement with CNN, I get to lead the race on Mondays and Tuesdays, Rick Santorum leads on Wednesday, and Mitt Romney leads on weekends and Thursday through Friday morning.

Ron Paul gets to be in first place on Friday afternoon, when no one is paying attention to the news.

My point is, this is Monday, so I'm the frontrunner.

I asked to speak to you today in order to tell you that I'm the idea candidate. I have a lot of ideas. The Jumbaco; Californication. Those are two of mine.

I want to share with you my vision of good old-fashioned American hard work and customer service. A retail America.

Who remembers the 1950s gas station? I do, because I'm that old. A driver would pull up to the pump and a squad of eager, bright-eyed men in crisp uniforms and bow ties would swarm all over that car, washing the windows, checking the oil and the tire pressure. Indeed that was the golden age of American customer service and individual initiative.

With every fillup you'd get some Green Stamps, and after saving enough of them they could be redeemed for steak knives or glassware. Replace those Green Stamps with vouchers and you're seeing my vision for America.

That vision includes an America becoming a low-paid worker in a global economy too. For example, take the Keystone XL pipeline.

I have always favored laying as much pipe as possible. I did it when I was a history professor, again when I served in Congress, and I pledge to continue to lay pipe when I'm in the White House.

We need to lay the Keystone pipline to help Stephen Harper sell Canada's oil to China. It would create thousands of dangerous, low-wage nonunion American construction jobs.

Then oil would flow from the northern tar sands all the way to the Gulf Coast. There a minimum wage Texan in a crisp uniform and bow tie will pump that oil into a Liberian registered Chinese tanker, and ask: 'Need any Green Stamps today, Captain?'

We need to realize this vision for our children. And by that I mean children should compete for these jobs alongside adults.

So join with me to defeat Barack Obama, our best food stamp president. And replace him with me, Newt Gingrich: America's Green Stamp president.

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February 4, 2012
Great Bush Recession, 2008-2012

Television networks interrupted regular programming on Friday with news of the death of the Great Bush Recession.

The Recession had been under observation at the House Republican Caucus for what was thought to be a lull. But it failed to respond to inertia, and succumbed to 243,000 jobs early on Friday morning.

"She was only three years old, we're all feeling devastated right now," Speaker John Boehner said when he broke the news in a somber news conference.
House Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor at Friday's news conference about the death of the Great Bush Recession.

A speechless Majority Leader Eric Cantor waved off questions, able only to smile inappropriately.

Other luminaries shared fond memories of the Recession on social media.

"The Recession was a great help in my 2010 special election, I don't know if I can go on without her," tweeted Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA).

Current frontrunner for the 2012 Republican nomination Mitt Romney posted on his Facebook page: "The Recession will never really die as long as we remember her. Each of us needs to do our best to create a recession every day."

On his Live Journal, former president George W. Bush called the Recession "a fine Merican, I was proud to have her serve in my Administration."

And Occupy said: "Mic check! Mic check! I wouldn't exist if it weren't for the Recession. I wouldn't exist if it weren't for the Recession."

Born The Global Financial Meltdown on July 19, 2008, the Great Bush Recession changed its name on advice of a talent scout. "He thought my birthname sounded too foreign and complicated to catch on with American audiences," the Recession said in a 2010 interview on Fresh Air With Terry Gross.

'Recession Fever' captured the nation's imagination to such an extent that in 2009 millions of Americans stopped working.

In lieu of flowers, citizens are asked to be united in making an unlimited donation to their favorite independent-expenditure only committee.

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February 2, 2012
Romney worries about US enemies

Reiterating his commitment to go anywhere in the world to kill America's enemies, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney today turned his attacks from his Republican rivals to President Obama.

In prepared remarks to a Las Vegas association of family-owned casinos and defense contractors, Romney questioned the President's aggressiveness on fighting terrorism.

"Every time I turn on Fox News, I see President Obama killing the Taliban with drone strikes, or sending Navy SEAL teams to kill Osama Bin Laden, or rescuing hostages from pirates," said Romney.
Closeup:
Romney list of potential made-up enemies of America
• Islamic Jicama
• Omar Sharif Law
• Rubik Cubans
• The Canines
• "I Ran" by Flock Of Seagulls
• The Tabbouleh

"If Obama continues to act in such a hasty and reckless manner, he'll kill all the al-Qaeda terrorists and Somali pirates and there won't be anybody left for me to attack when I'm president," he said.

The former Massachusetts governor said the President should "ease off a bit, or else when I need an enemy I'll have to make one up. And the world would be right to blame Barack Obama."

Association senior official Michael Corleone said his family members strongly agree with Romney's views on security. "Mitt is a businessman, he understands a business needs to ensure there are customers for its products," Corleone said.

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There are 2 comments
February 24, 2012 - 16:54
Subject: The possibilities are breathtaking....

Sunlight shining out of Santorum's butt would pass through an array of focusing lenses, heating water in boilers to create steam and spin electric turbines.

Cleaning the lenses will, of course, will be a bitch.

Reply to Kvatch
Editor
February 29, 2012 - 13:52
Subject: Re: The possibilities are breathtaking....

True, it would take a lot of water. But Rick spews graywater from the other end. On the other hand, he will say that at least his shit don't stink.

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