<This Month>

1 Glenn Beck urges Americans to fight socialism by going to work on Labor Day
7 2nd Amendment activists remind lawmakers of Framers' intent
9 Koran burning fizzles
13 Boehner signs up for Word tutorial
14 Gingrich unveils Contract With Britain
20 Christine O'Donnell calls for an anti-stimulus
23 Electorate might take GOP back if it pledges to stop drinking, fooling around and spending all her money
27 Dino Rossi offers voters "a real choices" on issues

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Senate hopeful Dino Rossi campaigned around the state of Washington last weekend, assuring voters he holds at least two positions, or "a real choices," on every issue. Rossi, the Republican selection to run against Democratic incumbent Patty Murray, launched his new strategy last week after an interview with the Morning News Tribune of Tacoma.

"I'm honest enough to tell you on a Tuesday that the Pentagon should not take illegal subsidies to Airbus into account in awarding a $35 billion contract, and I have the integrity to tell you on Thursday that yes, of course it should be a factor," explained Rossi.

"By offering a real choices, I'm offering the people of Washington a senator who has the political flexibility and intellectual suppleness to see both sides of an issue -- both sides now," he said, evoking the 1968 ballad by Judy Collins.

"That's because this is a big, complex, ice cream castles-in-the-air world, where a question having an answer on one day might very well have a totally different answer only two days later," said Rossi, the anti-banking co-founder of Eastside Commercial Bank.

"When I'm elected, the people will have a senator with the smarts to pretend that those two different answers are really the same answer -- that's just how the Rossi rolls," Rossi said.

Polls show the people agree with Rossi, with supporters saying a recent series of polls showing Rossi trailing Murray by as many as nine points are nothing to worry about.

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The American electorate today told its best friend England that it might take back its ex-majority party, provided the Republicans agree to very specific conditions.

"America says the GOP can move back into the House if it cleans up its act," England told producers of the daytime talk show "Maury."

"That means no more hanging out in airport bathrooms, fooling around with bankers, televangelists and other whores, or coming home after staying out all night drinking and tea partying," England said, adding: "and no more stealing money out of her purse to spend on crazy schemes."

Contacted at the Westmost, North Carolina, mobile home of longtime friends M.F. and Shirley A. Nutt, the GOP was contrite as it spoke from the hide-a-bed. "Oh thank you baby, thank you for taking me back. I swear to you lovely lady, I've changed for real this time. You won't regret giving me another chance," the GOP said, brushing potato chip crumbs off its sleeveless t-shirt.

The GOP also pledged to always check with America before gambling away her money.

America's relationship with the GOP has been marked by several breakups (1992, 2006 and 2008) and reconciliations (1994 and 2000).

The most publicized breakup was in 2006, after America discovered the Mideast country the GOP had given her as an anniversary present had been charged to her own credit card.

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Says sexual frustration will make US more competitive

Republican Christine O'Donnell continued to campaign across Delaware over the weekend, in an effort to define her quest for a Senate seat as more than advocacy of religious moral standards.

"The effect of masturbation on one's ability to live an upright lifestyle is only one of my many proposals for making America great again," O'Donnell, a Tea Party favorite, told supporters at an event in southern Delaware on Sunday.

"The truth is, rampant masturbation has been holding America back in the war on terror, education and technology, culture, and the economy," said O'Donnell.

The GOP hopeful said she has no doubt about the linkage between the nation's ills and self-abuse: "Pornography is sold on U.S. military posts, sapping the precious bodily fluids of our troops, with the result Osama bin Laden is still at large. Exposure to online filth has resulted in our youth spanking the monkey instead of the SATs."

O'Donnell said she will introduce a bold legislative proposal if elected: "Obama and Pelosi's stimulus was the wrong move, America needs an anti-stimulus to stop the epidemic of masturbation," she said.

O'Donnell went on to say the anti-stimulus would work by making bedroom doors illegal. "No privacy means no masturbation. Imagine what America could do if we channel all that pent-up sexual frustration into being competitive in schoolwork, industrial productivity, technological innovation, trade, and bossing around other countries," O'Donnell declared.

The anti-stimulus plan received a vigorous hand from those in attendance. "Giving up my bedroom door is a sacrifice I'm willing to make," said a Mrs. Robinson of Milford.

"I never, ever, play with myself," Mrs. Robinson said, as everyone around her nodded in agreement.

However, a Washington DC think tank doesn't agree with O'Donnell, today calling the anti-stimulus a dangerous idea. "Ms. O'Donnell obviously doesn't know holding everything in like that can damage a man physically down there," said Kim Clark of the nonpartisan Kleenex Institute.

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Former Republican Congressman Newt Gingrich unveiled a new policy initiative today, under which a Republican majority in the next session of Congress would pursue a handover of the United States of America back to the United Kingdom.

Called the Contract With Britain, the former Georgia representative's scheme is intended to capitalize on the public reception given to his recent comments in which he characterized Barack Obama as having a "Kenyan, anti-colonial" worldview.

"I'm doing this because I'm a stubborn bastard who can't admit when I've staked out an untenable position," said Gingrich, who served as Speaker of the House from 1995 until 1999, when he was forced to step aside for being such a nimrod.

"Frankly, a pledge to return the American Colonies to its former imperial master is the only logical conclusion I left myself," said Gingrich.

"Especially when that former imperial master was also Kenya's former imperial master."

Gingrich was quick to point out there are actually a number of intelligent-sounding excuses for a formal US-UK reunification.

"Not only would the joining of the two economies create a world-leading juggernaut, American colonists would be covered by British socialized medicine so maybe the left will shut up already. In addition, the English would gain the liberties provided by America's precious Second Amendment," he said.

Colonists would also benefit from being able to enjoy first-run BBC programming, Gingrich added, instead of waiting for pale Hollywood imitations of hit British shows.

"And what Anglophile could say no to the prospect of American Colonial Police wearing those cute blue helmets," Gingrich said.

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Wants to learn Subpoena Wizard

House Minority Leader Rep. John Boehner has signed up for a General Services Administration tutorial session on Microsoft Word 2010, the Ohio Republican's office disclosed today.

"Representative Boehner is feeling very optimistic about becoming Speaker after the November elections, and wants to ensure his skillset is up to date," said Boehner assistant press officer Dee Seaver.

Seaver said Boehner is interested in the features of Word that automate repetitive tasks. "He especially wants to learn how to use the new Subpoena Wizard, so that a new blank subpoena already has 'Barack Hussein Obama, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC' entered for the name and address of the person being subpoenaed," said Seaver.

Seaver described Boehner as "a PC" and longtime Word user, in particular a fan of Autocorrect. "His favorite is automatically changing 'health care reform' to 'Obamacare,' and adding '-gate' to nouns and capitalized verbs," she said.

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Witchcraft alleged after test copy won't catch fire

The Florida pastor who ignited a worldwide controversy by announcing he would burn a Koran on September 11 to protest construction of a Muslim cultural center near the World Trade Center site, has now canceled those plans.

Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Domination Center of Gainesville said he was forced to cancel the book burning after several rehearsals failed.

"The test copy of the Koran just wouldn't catch fire," a soot-covered Jones told reporters.

Jones said he and his burn team tried a number of fire starting methods and accelerants without success. "Matches, barbecue lighters, ovens, convection ovens, microwave ovens, broilers, barbecue grills, rotisserie, hibachis, tandooris, charcoal, hickory, kerosene, gasoline -- a whole bunch of things ending in -ene -- lighter fluid, rubbing two Korans together really fast, and even shining a magnifying glass on it," he said.

"The dang thing is indestructible."

Asked to speculate on the reason for the Koran's immunity to fire, Jones had a culprit: "Obviously the Koran is protected by the witchcraft contained in its pages."

Jones said he is seeking the advice of Pastor Thomas Muthee, spiritual consultant to former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, and the Republican Party's leading expert on witchcraft. "Muthee says he has his best prayer hackers working on it," said Jones.

Asked whether God offered any ideas to defeat the Koran's protective spells, Jones said he had already asked God. "Of course I prayed, that was the first thing I tried. I was on hold a long time and then all He said was -- have I tried turning it off and on again," Jones said.

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"Need guns because Redcoats could attack from Canada at any time"

Gun rights activists, saying the original intent of the Framers should determine how the Constitution's Second Amendment is interpreted, gathered in the nation's capital today to issue a renewed call against gun control laws.

The demonstration took place as lawmakers returned to Washington from their summer recess.

"The framers of the Constitution created the Second Amendment because many dangers exist on the frontiers of our new nation," said Smith N. Wesson of the umbrella group Patriotic Hate Organizations & Brotherhood of Internet Conservative Scribes (PHO-BICS).

"Explorers, trappers and homesteaders who are beyond the protection of constables and the courts need to carry arms for self-defense against bandits and other highwaymen," said Wesson.

"There are also dangerous wild animals to consider, like stampeding buffalo, and 'b'ars' like the one Davy Crockett killed when he was only three," Wesson added.

"You wouldn't send Lewis & Clark out unarmed, would you? This is why Americans need unfettered access to firearms, high explosives, field artillery, airborne weapons platforms, and even intercontinental ballistic missiles."

But, according to PHO-BICS, King George III and his Indian allies -- as well as agents of the Spanish crown known to be sneaking across the border from New Spain -- are the chief reasons for the Second Amendment's continued relevance. "We need guns because Redcoats could attack from Canada at any time," Wesson said.

However, Wesson stressed the Framers did not intend for armed people to go running willy-nilly around the countryside: "That would be a hazard to public safety. So the Second Amendment specifies citizens are to bear arms only as part of a 'well-regulated militia'."

"Militias are an old organizing concept predating the Revolutionary War. Well-regulated means the militia members meet once a month for tea while wearing tricorner hats," he explained.

"And, maybe, matching t-shirts."

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Conservative media personality Glenn Beck, buoyed by high attendance at his Restoring Honor rally, is taking another step forward in his struggle against what he describes as "creeping socialism."

Various estimates place turnout for the August 28 Washington, DC, event at between 78,000 and five gajillion.

"The time is right for patriots to get more active in combatting creeping socialism," said Beck, in an exclusive interview being published in this week's Harper's Bizarre. His latest target: unions and the upcoming Labor Day holiday.

"Real Americans can protest against the threat of unions and the evil of collective bargaining by not staying home from work on September 6th," Beck said, explaining that unions drive up costs and reduce profits, meaning corporations can create fewer low paying jobs.

"Go to work on Monday! Unions don't deserve to be honored with a federal holiday," he declared.

Beck — the former CNN commentator voted by classmates at Sehome High School in Bellingham, Washington, as Most Likely To Change Religions To Get Laid — also said unions drag down the economy by making American workers lazy.

"Hard-working people don't want shorter work weeks, vacations or holidays, and Americans are the hardest workers of all," said Beck.

"We are a Puritan, Calvinist people. Americans feel guilty about taking too many days off, staying home with low grade fevers, or accepting handouts like medical benefits and safe working conditions."

"Harnessing that guilt and self-denial will make America great again, I'm counting on my thralls- disciples- suckers- fellow-patriots to make it happen," Beck said.

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