<Summer '10>

July
6 Government considering Internet 'kill switch'
12 Oil Spill Commission evicted
19 Prince calls stereophonic sound "so yesterday"
26 Clint Didier is French!

August
3 White House revives Bush era aid
5 Glenn Beck says founding of US "invalid due to many typos"
10 White House, breadcrumb chef upset with professional food left
16 BP to control another leak - Wins U.S. contract to stop Wikileaks gusher
25 Miss Universe and Miss World pageants merge

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"Miss Uniworld" hopes to capitalize on right wing fear of UN

The Miss Universe and Miss World beauty pageants announced today the two longtime cultural anachronisms are merging, and will be known as "Miss Uniworld" beginning in 2011.

The drastic action follows another disappointing Miss Universe pageant, in which the crowning of Miss Mexico Jimena Navarette at the Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas was witnessed by a paltry 94 people.

Grover D.D. Cleavage, CEO of the new Miss Uniworld Pageant Inc., said the merger is needed to reverse decline in viewership due to competition from reality television, scrapbooking, online pornography, and -- especially -- ultraconservative conspiracy theories.

"Our new communications strategy takes advantage of the right wing media's penchant for conspiracy theories," Cleavage said, in an exclusive interview with the Beck University Daily.

"We picked the name Uniworld, instead of Worverse for instance, because market research indicates 30 percent of Americans will think the United Nations is in some way involved in a takeover of beauty pageants," he explained.

Cleavage said the first Uniworld pageant has been planned for September 9, 2011, in order to encourage the large xenophobic beauty pageant viewer demographic.

"This year was the first step, stirring anti-Islamic sentiments by having a Lebanese American crowned Miss USA. Now we're brainstorming lots of other ways to attract people watching TV in their bunkers," he said. One way is a new requirement that contestants wear blue berets during the evening gown competition, and another is the interview segment will be conducted in Esperanto. Another way is celebrity star power.

"UN conspiracy experts like Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and (GOP nominee for Colorado governor) Dan Maes will be among the celebrity judges, as will former Bush UN Ambassador John Bolton," Cleavage said.

"It'll encourage a lot of anti-UN buzz, as well as bomb threats."

The crowning attraction is the expected participation by former Miss Alaska contestant Sarah Palin, who, it is hoped, will conduct a non-competition exhibition of fancy pageant walking -- sans blue beret.

Cleavage also said Miss Uniworld will promote fear of the United Nations with extensive use of the new social media, "although we're calling it socialist media."

"Miss Uniworld will be all over the popular sites, like Assbook and, of course, Titter."

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Wins U.S. contract to stop Wikileaks gusher

The White House announced a contract has been awarded to British Petroleum, the acknowledged global leader in spill response, to oversee cleanup of the Wikileaks release of U.S. Afghanistan war documents. The spill is estimated at 91,000 pages to date, with more said to be on the way.

"BP has the proven expertise to control the public messaging surrounding major disasters," press secretary Robert Gibbs said on Saturday.

"This release could pollute our entire motherf*%king narrative on Afghanistan, it's important to get this f*%king thing under control, fast" said another senior Administration official, who agreed to comment on condition of anonymity.

The contract represents a $20 billion payout from the Gulf of Mexico cleanup escrow fund.

Gibbs said the Obama Administration is moving swiftly on the Wikileaks crisis to show its muddled response to the Deepwater Horizon disaster was an anomaly. "This White House is just as good at controlling the narrative as the last White House, it's just taken until now to get the professional left under control," he said. Gibbs noted Fox News recently received Helen Thomas' front row seat in the White House briefing room

The First Family toured the Pentagon on Sunday in an effort to reassure the American people that Department of Defense progress reports and press releases are safe to consume.

"The military-industrial complex is open for business," President Obama said, as he, First Lady Michele Obama, and daughters Sasha and Malia swallowed a number of white papers, after-action reports and intelligence summaries showing the Afghanistan war and Iraq withdrawal both going well. Mrs. Obama said she and the girls would go swimming in the bullshit, but only after waiting an hour.

In related news, retired Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen has approved BP’s request to spray the dispersant Rentacop® on Wikileaks founder Julian Assange. "Rentacop is a completely safe and effective way to prevent large accumulations of media, with no proven side effects other than on the First Amendment," said Allen.

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A White House lunch meant to repair ties between President Obama and liberal Democrats instead ended today in a food fight.

"We came here expecting a progressive meal, but we were served breadcrumbs," said Markos Moulitsas of the liberal website Daily Kos.

"There were only three breadcrumbs on the menu, and two of them were stale," added a clearly upset Katrina vandenHeuvel of The Nation magazine.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was dismissive of the negative response. "People on the professional food left will never be satisfied with what we serve them," Gibbs told The Hill.

"We've gone out of our way to cater to the progressives, Executive Breadcrumb Chef Gordon Rahmsey has worked hard to source only the finest organic flours, and used time-honored gourmet breadcrumb recipes from Europe," Gibbs said.

"My baguette crumbs are the best you'll find anywhere," said a visibly angry Rahmsey.

"These liberal pukes had better keep their motherf**king opinions about my breadcrumbs to themselves, or I'm going to find them, and I'm going to shove a traditional Tuscan loaf up their a**es, those f**king p*ssies," Rahmsey said.

In other news, Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes today reiterated his charge that Democratic rival John Hickenlooper's Denver bike sharing program will lead to United Nations control. "The bike helmets are BLUE!" Maes told Fox News' Glenn Beck, who nodded enthusiastically.

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Such as 'When in the Courfe of human Events'

Glenn Beck has conservative Tea Party activists abuzz today, following remarks in which the Fox News commentator called the entire basis of the United States flawed.

"The nation's founding documents are invalid due to many typos," Beck told Gregg's Stenographic Weekly.

"Look at the opening sentence of the Declaration of Independence -- 'When in the Courfe of human Events.' I just can't take that seriously," said Beck.

+

Typos Portion of an offending document

He went on to note errors in the Constitution, including "eftablifh justice, enfure domeftic tranquility," "Conftitution," and "all legiflative powers herein granted fhall be vefted in a Congrefs..."

"How can we be sure what they meant? We should just call the whole thing off, just to be on the safe said," Beck said.

A growing number of Tea Party activists are discussing Beck's comments as a technicality that could invalidate unpopular national laws.

"If the Constitution can be voided, that would sweep away all the socialist parts, like self-incrimination, expo facto, income taxes, and the 'anchor baby' (fourteenth) amendment," said M.F. Nutt, president of the Tea Party Patriots klavern in Westmost, North Carolina.

In a related story, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer said today that the only typo-free portion of the Constitution is "provide for the common defence."

"That's 'defence' with a C. A case can be made that building a border fence is therefore the only legitimate role for the federal government," Brewer said.

In another related story, the evangelical Christian anti-gay rights group Boyfriends Of The Family said the Constitution does not protect homosexuals, "because the powdered wigged, frilly shirt-wearing Founding Fathers were clearly biased metrosexuals."

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BLUE-TARP program to shelter ex-homeowners

Continued sluggishness in the U.S. housing market is causing President Obama to revive one of his predecessor's most controversial initiatives.

The Department of Housing & Urban Development confirmed today the White House has given instructions to reallocate funding to the Bush administration's BLUE-TARP program.

Originally created in 2008 to provide emergency housing relief in the aftermath of the 2005 Hurricane Katrina disaster, BLUE-TARP distributed some of the $700 billion in the original Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP) to banks to pay for blue tarps given to owners of homes damaged by Katrina.

Banks received as much as $20 billion in the fall of 2008 to distribute 267,000 blue tarps to be used for emergency temporary home repairs in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, and Florida.

As envisioned by Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, BLUE-TARP will be repurposed to help provide relief for the current wave of home foreclosures. Banks that previously accepted federal TARP funds to offset losses from risky bundled mortgages, will receive even more funds under BLUE-TARP.

"What the motherf#%king banks are telling us they need to help homeowners who are underwater or in default is the ability to hand out top of the line, $100,000 blue tarps, so that's what we're f#%king going to do," Emanuel told the Wall Street Journal.

So far response to the plan is mixed.

"It's not clear that a $99,990 profit is worth the cost of a $10 blue tarp," said Auric Goldfinger, VP for Government Affairs of Jaye P. Morgan Chase Bank, which has not decided if it will participate.

But Republican leaders in Congress are positive about BLUE-TARP.

"We won't have to worry about people losing homes due to foreclosure becoming homeless, they'll be able to live under the blue tarp," said House minority leader John Boehner of Ohio.

Boehner's Senate counterpart Mitch McConnell pointed out ex-homeowners would own their blue tarps outright. "That's a $100,000 value, which will be good for local government property tax rolls," McConnell said.

But Sarah Palin, the Fox News commentator and national GOP and Tea Party figure, says she opposes BLUE-TARP. "This is nothing more than a big government takeover of the tent industry, and an expansion of public housing," she said.

In other news, House Tea Party Caucus chair Michele Bachmann today called for an investigation of Chelsea Clinton. "We need to have subpoenas to look into Wedding-Gate, that's all we should do," the Minnesota Republican wrote in a cocktail napkin she sent to Darrell Issa, ranking member of the Oversight Committee.

"We need to have full disclosure of all the gifts and who gave them, to make sure Saudis who donated to Jenna Bush aren't playing both sides," Bachmann also wrote.

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Tea Party faction raises doubts about GOP senate candidate

Clint Didier is the favorite of the national Tea Party, winning the endorsements of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin and Texas congressman Ron Paul. But now the ultraconservative Republican senate hopeful from Washington, who expounds all-American views on such issues as small government, low taxes, self-reliance, and family, may not be American at all.

So say a growing number of stories on conservative Web sites, which are abuzz with rumors that Didier, a self-made former NFL player-turned farmer, was really born in bluest Europe and not in tiny Connell, Washington, as he has claimed.

"Clint Didier is really a Frenchman, from France," claims Glen Peck, of Eastmost, in eastern Washington. Peck is the leader of a Spokane-based Tea Party offshoot called Tea Party Super Conservatives Out-Numbering Environmentalists & Socialists (Tea Party S.C.O.N.E.S.).

Peck says the rumors about Didier's true origins are compelling and too troubling to ignore.

"His last name is French. I can't find an American birth certificate for him anywhere, but there ARE plenty of papers in France for children named Didier," said Peck.

Peck says he believes Didier was born in 1959 in Normandy, France, his mother a philosopher and his father a former Vichy collaborator.

At age 6, the Didiers enrolled Clint in a maternelle, a type of radical 'ecole.' "I know they claim ecole means school. But it really stands for Every Communist Obeys Liberal Edicts," said Peck.

The rumors also address Didier's personal life, says Peck. "We can't be sure Didier is even a heterosexual -- look at the mixed signals!" he urged.

Didier
Often wears flamboyant costume jewelry

"Didier admits as a farmer to 'plowing' fields. And when he played in the NFL he was a 'receiver,' a 'tight end.' And he often wears Super Bowl rings, which are nothing more than flamboyant costume jewelry."

"It's like every episode of Will and Grace," Peck said.

Even more worrisome, notes Peck, is that Didier is pronounced 'did he, eh?' "Which is French AND Canadian -- a double-dose of socialism!"

Responding to critics who say "If the stories are false, why hasn't Didier proved them wrong? Instead, he hasn't responded to them at all, not once."

Peck says the solution is for Didier to abide by his own stated plan for dealing with illegal immigrants: "Clint Didier should do what Obama has so far failed to do, admit to his true place of birth and return to France."

Peck says Didier's continued silence about his birth shows disrespect for America and people who followed legal paths to citizenship. "America single-handedly landed at Normandy to liberate Clint Didier and France from the Communists, and this is the thanks we get? Didier go home!" Peck declared.

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New 20Ten album released in wax cylinder format

Paisley Park's prince of pop music came down on the side of tradition today, telling representatives of the music press that stereophonic sound is a fad that has run its course.

"Stereo is so yesterday, it's such an inaccurate and inadequate way of presenting my music," said Prince, the Minneapolis music legend who also goes by the names The Artist and o(+>.

"When you hear music in concert, does it come from only two directions? No!" said Prince emphatically.

"When I create music the sound hits you from all directions. Two channel stereo is therefore a lie which I as an artist can no longer be party to," he declared.

Prince disclosed that henceforth he would only release his music on wax Edison Cylinders and shellac/cotton-fiber 78 rpm discs. He played an Edison Cylinder copy of his latest album, 20Ten, for the assembled journalists. "These are hitting stores today," he said excitedly.

Eyes closed, he leaned his head toward the player's amplifying horn, snapping his fingers and swaying slightly to the music.

He explained that while the monaural sound of cylinders and 78s is even less accurate than stereo, "at least mono is up front about not trying to fake realism."

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Landlady will not be returning damage deposit

(Pensacola) Saying she has had enough of her problem tenants, the owner of the oil spill commission's Florida headquarters notified the federal panel today that she is starting eviction proceedings against them. Nettie Frandle, 72, cited a long list of complaints as justification for kicking the commission out of her rental property on Hermosa Circle.

"The neighbors have been complaining ever since those troublemakers moved in," said Frandle, a West Pensacola pensioner who retired from British Petroleum's Houston office in 2003.

The seven commissioners hold noisy press conferences, she said, "and disturb the neighbors -- coming and going all day and night in helicopters, to tour places where oil has washed ashore."

Mrs. Frandle said she will not be returning the commission's damage deposit. "They tromp around in the oil, then try to hose off their rubber boots and gloves in the laundry room, which is now a disaster area," she complained. She added that commission co-chair Bob Graham, the former Democratic senator from Florida, did not ask her permission before converting the one-car garage into a 250-seat hearing room.

"I thought I was renting to a quiet rubberstamping of the oil industry, I didn't expect they would actually look for systemic problems with how offshore drilling is conducted," she said.

However, the oil spill commission has retained legal counsel to prevent their eviction. "We're going to sue Mrs. Frandle in federal court for housing discrimination," said commissioner Frances Beinecke. Beinecke, Natural Resources Defense Council president, claims that Hermosa Circle has restrictive covenants barring homeowners from renting or selling to non-conservatives -- a charge Frandle denies.

"The Gulf Oil spill may be horrible, but there aren't any laws against not caring about it," Frandle said.

Seattle winner in Cliff Lee trade

In sports, the Seattle Mariners sent LHP Cliff Lee (8-3) to the Rangers on July 8. Seattle General Manager Jack Zduriencik says he is thrilled to have picked "July 8" in the office pool all the way back in February.

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In emergency, celebrity witticisms would be retweeted billions of times

Lawmakers are contemplating methods for giving the President the ability to take control of telecommunications networks during an emergency, military sources say.

One leading option is to use the popular Twitter social networking service as a way to turn off the internet -- called a "kill switch" -- in order to secure it during an emergency.

The proposal, code-named Star Crash, was developed by the U.S. Air Force's Updates Command. Star Crash would not give the president statutory authority to compel compliance of America's technology companies, due to constitutional concerns, said an officer assigned to Updates Command.

But in the event of a cyberattack, military emergency or natural disaster, the White House could order Updates Command to insert viral messages into the Twitter timelines of popular entertainment figures such as Ashton Kutcher, "The Office" actor Mindy Kaling, and of course heartthrob teen crooner Justin Bieber.

"It could be anything -- 'Are Justin and Miley dating?' for instance," explained the officer, who did not wish to be identified because she is not authorized to speak about the program.

"Their Twitter 'followers' would 'retweet' these messages to their followers, who would retweet it to their followers, and so on, and so on," she said. The wave of microblog posts would grow exponentially throughout the world wide web, eventually growing to hundreds of millions of retweets per second. The global network would be overwhelmed and the servers would crash.

Dr. L.O. Lawrence, professor of Twitter Studies at Chatham College, said the logic of the plan was sound. He estimates that once put into effect, Star Crash could make its way around the world in 90 seconds.

"It would be a whale of a fail," said Lawrence.

But he cautioned viral social networking should be reserved for true emergencies only. "What if Star Crash should be invoked because of a false alarm, but Greg Grunberg has something important to tweet about an audition?" Lawrence wondered.

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