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The dog that President and Mrs. Obama promised to daughters Malia and Sasha during last year's election campaign has been chosen. White House sources say the First Family has nominated Senator David Vitter.

Vitter, a Louisiana Republican, will move into the White Dog House in April, according to the office of First Lady Michele Obama.

The Obamas were reportedly impressed at the way Vitter was trained by Senate GOP leaders in 2007, after he crapped all over the party's image after his patronage of a high-priced escort service was revealed.

Vitters have many enthusiasts. Ms. Brandy Cherie Frandlaise, an independent hospitality contractor from New Orleans, is a big fan of the breed. She says the Obamas will be getting great family pet. "Vitters are smart and discreet. They're fiscally conservative, but still know how to show a lady a good time," said Frandlaise.

"Plus, Vitters really love being on the leash, and are super obedient to their mistresses," Frandlaise said.

White House spokesperson Harriet Spaniel said trainability was an important consideration in the selection. "The last thing we need is a dog who's going to hump the legs of visiting heads of state, for instance. Hopefully Vitter has been cured of that."

Also important was Vitter's full head of hair. "Clearly he doesn't shed," Spaniel said.

The Obamas had also considered adopting former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. But Vitter was picked in a nod to bipartisanship, as well as Sasha and Malia's lack of interest in hairless dogs.

This evening Gov. Bobby Jindal gave the Republican Party's response to President Barack Obama's Message to Congress.

Good evening. I'm Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, and gee whiz -- ain't America neat-o?
Tonight, in the very chamber where Congress once voted to abolish slavery, our first African-American president stepped forward to address the state of our union.
Regardless of party, all Americans are moved by the president's personal story. But what about me? Look at my face. I'm a Republican and a Southerner, but that doesn't mean I'm a cracker. As the son of Indian immigrants, I'm more properly called a 'naan-er.'
To quote Ronald Reagan's favorite comic: "America -- what a country!"
I praise the positive spirit of our citizens in weathering these tough times. But the existence of positive spirits means, logically, that there also must be negative spirits that require solutions. Republicans are ready to work with the new President to provide those solutions, and the best one is exorcism.
I look forward to sitting down with the president and his administration, assess which of them are possessed by minions of the horned one, and then cast out those satanic entities so that America can get back on the road to prosperity.
Next, we should not be spending precious tax dollars on useless job creation. Instead, we should be fighting government waste.
Waste like federal health insurance for children -- those children should get full time jobs with employer-provided benefits.
Maybe those children can find work in one of the new alternative nuclear power plants we should build. Who knows -- given enough radiation-induced genetic damage, maybe the next generation will be literally green.
And if government insurance for unproductive kids is wasteful, we really can't have any federal bureaucrats stand between Americans and their doctors. Everyone knows it's actuaries who should control access to health care.
We must cut waste like the National Hurricane Center and FEMA, whose existence unfairly raised expectations about the Bush Administration's response to Hurricane Katrina.
More examples of waste are our public schools, which should be privatized and run the Republican way. We need to deregulate the schools and abolish the Department of Education. Then we sell failing schools to Bank of America and Chase, and bundle good schools together with securitized high risk assets.
Above all, America's economy will recover if we all take more personal responsibility. Unemployed? Sick? Uneducated? Urban liberal? We can only help you if there's anything left after we help the banks.
In other words, it's every man -- and barefoot, pregnant woman -- for themselves.
I look forward to meeting with the President to discuss the many challenges facing our country, as well as to compare original birth certificates.

Thank you. May god bless you, the state of Louisiana, and the South shall rise again!

Former President George W. Bush has completed his transition to private life -- by returning to public service as a Goodwill Ambassador, literally. Bush's office announced today that the 43rd president has agreed to be the new U.S. spokesman for Goodwill Industries.

The well known used-goods retailer, which also provides training, employment and a host of services to the disadvantaged and physically and developmentally challenged, will provide those services to Mr. Bush in exchange for his public relations duties, according to Goodwill spokesman Willem Frandle.

"Goodwill has long been known as a seller of quality used merchandise at hugely discounted prices," said Frandle.

"Now that America is entering a period of severe economic dislocation, Goodwill wants to market itself to a wider audience. Goodwill needs an ambassador to reach that audience. Who better than George W. Bush to be the symbol of the post-prosperity America he helped create?" he said.

"In exchange, Goodwill help Mr. Bush reenter civilian life, helping to educate him in some basic life skills such as interpersonal communication and how to handle money."

The former president said he is excited about his new role, and looks forward to the life skills classes. "Imagine what the last eight years might have been like, had I known how to handle money, when it was the wrong time to crack jokes, and when not to give the German Chancellor a shoulder massage," Bush said.

Frandle unveiled two Bush-associated marketing tools, the first a reworking of Goodwill's logo that incorporates Bush's likeness.


Goodwill to Bushwill? Respected nonprofit updates familiar "Willy" logo

The second are lifesize cardboard cut-outs of Bush. The cut-outs will be placed in all Goodwill stores nationwide to greet shoppers. A computer chip will play a recording of Bush saying, "Sorry you can't afford regular-price retail anymore. Sorry you can't afford regular-price retail anymore..."

With Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner pledging as much as $2 trillion in government funds for efforts to spur new lending and address banks’ toxic assets, a group of influential economists are calling for improvements to the Troubled Assets Relief Program (T.A.R.P.) created by the Bush Administration.

"Our group believes that before we can create a vibrant new economy, we have to bury the worn-out old one," said A. Mortimer "Mort" Isaiahsson, executive director of World Against Greedy Exploitive Sonofabitches (W.A.G.E.S.), a new think tank made up of reform-minded economists.

"It calls for a thorough problem identification, objective analysis of options, a comprehensive attack on the causes as well as symptoms and, above all, a better acronym," he explained.

Proposed strategies include Kleptocracy Achieved Plunder Under the Treasury (K.A.P.U.T.), and Toxic Investments Taxpayer Supported Uncertainy Program (T.I.T.S. U.P.).

The leading candidate to succeed T.A.R.P. is called B.L.A.C.K. S.H.R.O.U.D. -- short for Banking and Loan Assets of Clients with Kickers, and Screwed by Heirs to Reaganomics and Owning Uncollateralized Derivatives.

Isaiahsson thinks B.L.A.C.K. S.H.R.O.U.D. stands a chance of being the most effective way to do what needs to be done -- "namely, prepare unfettered robber-baron capitalism for its final interment."

If implemented, B.L.A.C.K. S.H.R.O.U.D. will wrap-up robber-baron capitalism, which will then lie in state for three days at the offices of the Securities and Exchange Commission.

"It'll lie there for a viewing period so Hank Paulson, Bernie Madoff and Phil Gramm can pay their last respects," Isaiahsson said.

The House of Representatives passed a compromise economic stimulus bill today, after Democrats added an amendment that excludes former President George W. Bush from Monday's observance of President's Day.

The amendment requires that all mentions of Presidents Day in news media, advertising and official government information must be followed by an asterisk, and the footnote "Does Not Include George W. Bush."

"Not honoring George W. Bush on President's Day is an immediate economic stimulus," said amendment co-sponsor Rep. Willard Frandle (D-Iowa).

"It acts as a morale booster to Americans. They'll feel better about shopping at all the big sales on Presidents Day Weekend, because they'll know they're not helping to honor the man who screwed up the economy," explained Frandle.

The overall economic stimulus bill now goes to the Senate, where a simple majority is not enough to approve it and send it to President Obama's desk.

In other news, Blackwater Worldwide announced today it is abandoning that brand name, one that has been tarnished by its security contracting work in Iraq. Company president Gary Jackson issued a memo telling his employees that the company would be known henceforth as SS. "It's retro, and evokes a simpler time when people weren't afraid of fanatical devotion to leadership," said a spokesperson.

Evolved beings today are celebrating the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, the 19th century naturalist responsible for the theory that all life developed through natural selection, leading to the modern Jesus Fish Logo and Fish With Legs Logo industries.

The official celebration of Darwin's birth, sponsored by the UK Geographical Society, is a series of parties in every time zone around the world, one kicking off every hour. "We're going to party until a Darwin blow-out circles the planet," said UKGS event planner Madeleine Crumpet.

The progressive party started in London at midnight Greenwich Mean Time and began moving west. The first event was a pub full of soccer hooligans toasting to "wha'evah species origined the pint of bitter." This proved to be unsustainable because they were falling down drunk.

But as the global party moved on to Reykjavik, Rio de Janeiro and New York, media reported partygoers were gaining the ability to stand upright, and the gatherings themselves steadily grew more complex.

Some parties were highly adaptable, using tools such as 'rabbit' corkscrews, and zesters to make strips of lemon peel for cocktails. Other parties were less successful, with guests attempting to use corkscrews on screw-top bottles. These did not survive, breaking up after less than two hours and the guests going home to watch "Eleventh Hour" (the American remake, not the Patrick Stewart one).

"Look at how far this (expletive) party has evolved after only 12 hours," said boisterous party guest Winston Frandle in Wellington, New Zealand.

"It's in 27 languages, it's on the internet, they've even renamed the International Space Station 'The Beagle.' By the end of the day the party might even find a cure for cancer," Frandle said.

A contrary view was voiced by the American right's de facto spokesman, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh. "My friends, Darwin had a nice little theory, but that's all evolution is -- a theory," Limbaugh told his national radio audience.

Limbaugh
Denies evolvement

Limbaugh went on to say that the proof debunking evolution is in the mirror. "When I look at myself, I don't see an evolved human being. Do I in any way look evolved to you? No, I don't, because I am exactly as the good lord made me out of dirt and rendered goose fat, and so are you, my friends."

When new Republican National Committee leader Michael Steele told ABC "This Week" host George Steffigraffilos, "I'm not going to wait for them to come to me, I'm going to take it to them," in response to an FBI investigation into whether Steele improperly diverted more than $37,000 in campaign funds to his sister, he was employing a new damage control technique created by Samuel Joseph "Joe The Plumber" Wurzelbacher.

"Joe calls that tactic 'Republicans Deliver'," explained a source close to the RNC who wished to remain anonymous.

"Meaning, like, deliver. Take it to 'em -- you know? Look 'em in the eye when they've got you cornered. Kick ass."

The source said Wurzelbacher came up with a number of fresh ideas for the minority party on Feb. 3, when he went to Washington DC at the invitation of the Conservative Working Group. The CWG is an organization of formerly influential Capitol Hill staffers, who now serve as gofers "and need stuff to do," according to CWG member Morley Frandle.

"We peppered him with questions all day, and he came up great stuff on damage control, economic stimulus, foreign policy, and image rebranding," said Frandle.

Frandle recalled what happened when Steele heard about what CWG was up to. "He sat in with us, he's a huge Joe fan. He loved the stuff Joe gave him about standing up to the Obama administration -- accept Obama's invitations to White House parties, drink his booze, then don't give him a single vote. Brilliant, in-your-face kinds of stuff that's going to save the country from socialism," said Frandle.

GOP leaders in Congress would not confirm today if their legislative strategy came from Wurzelbacher. Likewise, Steele's office would not confirm his use of 'Republicans Deliver.'

However, Frandle said Republicans have focus group tested a number of Wurzelbacher-authored advertising concepts. The slogan participants chose to lead the GOP into the 2010 elections is: 'Republicran -- It's Republican plus the great taste of cranberry! Now with Twice the R!'

The 'Republicran' ad campaign is expected to hit TV, radio and the internet later this year.

Rush Limbaugh says he has been accused through the years of bashing Democrats, and now President Barack Obama, without offering solutions of his own. This time, the conservative talker says, he wants his critics to know he is putting the country first.

"My friends, I have a plan for getting America out of this economic crisis," Limbaugh said this morning on his national radio program.

"The elements of my plan are time-tested and, because we're Republicans, it is a simple plan," he said.

"I propose we do what many businessmen have done since the dawn of capitalism. Namely, we're going to burn down the United States for the insurance money," intoned Limbaugh.

"Think about it, my friends. No one likes insurance companies, it's time we made them pay up. If it's an American insurance company, we'd only be getting back what they got in the Wall Street bail out. Billions of dollars returned to us to buy SUVs, plasma TVs, and gold coins from Lear Financial," he said.

"I call on you, my dittohead army. I can't do this without you. Prepare your glass bottles, your gasoline, your oily rags, your Bic grill lighters. Stand ready and wait for me to broadcast the go-signal, brought to you by the Sleep Number Bed by SelectComfort."

The radio host says his plan first depends on the failure of President Obama's economic policies. "I hope he fails," says Limbaugh.

"The best thing would be another depression. An Obama depression will mean millions of shuttered businesses, all those empty buildings will go up like kindling," Limbaugh said.

Limbaugh went on to say that his plan will also help ease America's energy crisis. "I plan to use regular old gasoline as an accelerant. This will lead to fuel scarcity, and price increases. This will help the oil industry weather the Obama depression."

In other news today, Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele attacked President Obama's economic stimulus plan. "There are millions for fish passages, but not one dime for defunct web services/catering businesses," said Steele.

Republican lawmakers struck a blow for reform of the troubled US health care system yesterday, by forcing insurance company-friendly Tom Daschle to withdraw his name today from nomination to be Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services.

GOP senators had spent the past several days pressing Daschle, a former Democratic Senator and Majority Leader from South Dakota, on his admission that he had not paid taxes owed on an employer-provided car and driver in the correct chronological order. He used the services from 2005-2007, but did not pay taxes on them until 2008.

Senator John Cornyn (R-Texas) had called on Daschle to pull out earlier in the day. "He had to pay more by waiting until 2008. We can't have a Health Secretary who pays more than he owes," said Cornyn.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell likewise faulted Daschle for paying his back taxes only a year late. "Sen. Daschle could have appealed his case, and used litigation to delay it for years. He didn't even try to deny it to the committee, or cover it up. I just can't trust that kind of judgment," McConnell said.

"The President screwed up," Daschle told reporters apologetically shortly after announcing his withdrawal.

"He could have tried to be bipartisan by putting a Republican in at HHS, but he asked me. I would have done just as good a job protecting insurance companies from the threat of single-payer universal health care," he lamented.

"Instead, here I am, free to continue to consult for those companies," Dashcle said.

While not a registered lobbyist, Daschle acted as a 'strategy-advising sugar daddy' to a private equity firm, and was Friended by many health-related companies on Facebook.

In related news, Nancy Killefer turned down her selection by the President to be the nation's first chief performance officer, after disclosure she had failed to pay an unemployment tax bill that was less than what Gov. Sarah Palin spends on hair and makeup.

Ron Sims surprised county government watchers yesterday, announcing that he had been cast in a remake of the film "HUD," and would be stepping down from the office of King County Executive he has held since 1996.

Sims will play the title role, immortalized by Paul Newman in the 1963 original. But in a twist, the action will be transplanted from the Texas of the original movie, to the wide-open spaces of the Sammamish Plateau, said Sims spokeman Cindy Cawaling.

"Ron will play Hud Bannon, son of Homer, the head of a Starbucks franchise dynasty, and uncle to Lon. There is a rift between Hud and Homer over how to split the stores' tips among the employees, and Lon gets caught in the middle," said Cawaling.

In a bit of bipartisan casting, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will play an award-winning barista, Alma, whom Hud and Lon both lust after.

The part of Homer has not yet been cast, but according to Cawaling the role of Howard Schultz will be played by the Nick Nolte from 2002 -- not the nervous-grandfather Nick Nolte from 2006's "Paris, je t'aime."

The film will shoot in Vancouver BC, because the Seattle area can't have nice things.

Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps apologized today for "bad judgment" and "regrettable" behavior, following a British newspaper's publication of a photograph in which the swimmer appears to be using a product that is not a sponsor of the US Olympic Committee.

Published Saturday in The Scutter, the picture showed the winner of 14 gold medals smoking a marijuana pipe.

Team USA sponsor Anheuser-Busch and worldwide sponsors Tsing Tao and Yanjing Beer voiced displeasure over the news that Phelps was not getting a buzz with their products.

Anheuser-Busch spokesman Clyde S. Dale did not mince words. "We paid millions to put our name on the Games, is it too much to ask that this freak of nature remember to have a bottle of BL Lime in his hand when there are cameras around?" Dale asked.

The US Olympic Committee quickly responded, issuing a statement on Sunday upbraiding Phelps for failing to "fulfill his responsibilities as a consumer role model."

Phelps, speaking Sunday to sports journalists over cocktails at the Orioles Grill in the Baltimore Sheraton Hotel, was contrite. "I used bad judgment associating my name with a product that is not part of the Olympics' system of sponsor endorsements. Instead, I should have kicked back and relaxed with a Budweiser," said Phelps.

"By making the mistake of smoking pot, I put profits into the hands of only a few growers and distributors, instead of the international multimedia money-generating machine that is amateur athletics," he added.