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Oct-Nov 2013

October
2 American experiment comes to 'successful conclusion'
8 Conservative campaign donor wants to cut out the middle man
14 Ted Cruz embarking on National Shutdown Tour
16 A Message From Fred Thompson
21 Bachmann claims witches are signing up for Obamacare
25 Ryan unveils 'Sponsor A Sickie' alternative to Obamacare
28 Tom DeLay returns, with answer to expensive health coverage

November
4 Bush to attend summit meetings
12 Incognito could join CFL
25 Craig Paul Cobb to hold 'Olde Fashioned Thanksgiving'
28 Palin explains the War On Thanksgivin'

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November 28, 2013
Palin explains the War On Thanksgivin'

Annual turkey-based post

Former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin says there is a war on Thanksgiving, but it's not coming from companies making employees work on Thanksgiving Day.

"That's an anti-free market smear by the liberal lamestream media. We should be respondin' to the real threat to Thanksgivin', not attackin' big box stores that are only tryin' to create good part-time jobs for Americans."

According to Palin, Hannukah falling this year on Nov. 28 is clear evidence a war on Thanksgiving exists: "This can't just be a scheduling problem, pro-Hannukah forces deliberately use a lunar calendar instead of the American calendar."

"I believe these anti-thankstivists are workin' with animal rights activists to make turkeys non-Kosher, tryin' to shove vegetables or somethin' worse down your throat instead of turkey, ham and giblet stuffin', and also too these Kosher rules are complex and examples of overregulation which will take attention away from the football," she said.

Palin said Jews "should accept Jesus, and reject those food taboos. No meat with dairy my ass. Nothin's so great as chicken fried moose with white gravy."

Palin added that the War On Thanksgiving is linked to the War On Christmas, "constitutin' a two-front attack on good old American holidays."

Palin says the White House organic garden started by First Lady Michelle Obama set a bad precedent. "The organic garden, in addition to disrespectin' the American chemical and genetic engineerin' industries, signalled the administration is weak on Thanksgivin', such as we already know he won't say 'Christmas,' such as the FDA is comin' for the transfats in the cookies you leave out for Santa, and such as, maybe, Barack Hussein Obama prefers Kwanzaa to Thanksgivin' too," Palin said.

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November 25, 2013
Craig Paul Cobb to hold 'Olde Fashioned Thanksgiving'

It's Thanksgiving week, and this year nobody is more thankful than white supremacist Craig Paul Cobb.

Cobb's effort to convert the tiny town of Leith, North Dakota into an all-white community has been underway for a couple months now, and the neo-Nazi is calling his project a modest success.

So much so that Cobb and his handful of followers are going ahead with a traditional feast, which they're calling 'A Leith Olde Fashioned Thanksgiving.'

Dinner is to include turkeys found wandering on nearby prairie land. "Some crank says we stole them from his farm, but we don't recognize the laws of the Zionist Occupied Government," said Cobb.

"And anyway we've fallen in love with one of them. We've named him Goebbels T. Gobbler, and he looks delicious," he added.

Cobb admits he got off on the wrong foot with Leithians, and now wants them to know they are welcome to join his enclave for Thanksgiving dinner. "Like the first Thanksgiving, we're hoping our neighbors, like indigenous tribespeople, will show up to give thanks and share their side dishes," he said.

In keeping with tradition, Cobb has gifts for his dinner guests -- blankets, which he says are probably not infected.

Cobb also says he is now sorry for offending the community in a November 20 incident, in which Cobb says he innocently brandished firearms at locals, "and me shootin' my mouth off too." Additional local resistance resulted, in the form of a citizen outcry and new zoning requirements.

But Cobb believes he can still accomplish a lot despite the controversy. "People called me a crazy racist when I said I wanted to create a totally off the grid racist enclave within a 90 minute drive of two Walmart supercenters. But now that it's actually happening, I would ask those critics: Who's the crazy racist now?" he said.

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11/12/13
Incognito could join CFL

(Westmost, NC) Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito may not need to return to the NFL after his suspension for bullying teammate Jonathan Martin, if well-financed supporters of the embattled lineman have their way.

A group of southern investors are planning to start a new Confederate Football League -- CFL -- and are intent on installing Incognito as its first superstar.

"We're doing this to make sure there are football role models for southern white kids, the next generation's Richie Incognitos," said M.F. Nutt, the new league's first commissioner. Nutt and his wife Shirley A. Nutt are also owners of a CFL franchise that will call Westmost home starting in the summer of 2014.

The Nutts say "liberal technologies" have ruined football. "It used to be that players could josh each other about race. But now there are microphones, cameras and screen capture apps so that you can't say or tweet the n-word without them hearing about it in Bumfuck, China, pardon my French," said M.F. Nutt.

The Nutts think Incognito's profanity and slur-laden bullying of fellow Dolphin Martin was not racist, just good clean redneck fun. Says M.F. Nutt: "Richie's critics are hypocrites! They say bullying violates Martin's right to a uncoercive workplace. Well what about Richie's right to free speech?"

"These conflicts could be avoided if whites and blacks didn't play sports together," added Shirley Nutt.

Mrs. Nutt denied the CFL is racist. "We're not saying African Americans shouldn't play football, or even that they can't play in the CFL. On the contrary, we want blacks in the CFL. But blacks will play in a separate CFL minor league, a farm system we're calling the Plantation League," she explained.

Innovation

But the CFL won't be just about racial insensitivity, the Nutts promise changes that will make football more exciting.

M.F. Nutt says one innovation will be to rotate the onfield gridiron 90 degrees, placing the end zones on what in the NFL are the sidelines.

"This orientation means the action in a Confederate Football League game will run south-north instead of west-east, with a lot more scoring. It also means oversize, Incognito-dimensioned players won't have to run as far, extending their careers if they can avoid the traumatic brain injuries," Nutt said.

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November 4, 2013
Bush to attend summit meetings

Paint funny caricatures of world leaders

Former President George W. Bush surprised legacy watchers last weekend with his announcement that he plans to attend a number of international summit meetings next year.

Condoleezza Rice, Curator of Exhibits for the Bush Presidential Library & Cafeteria at Southern Methodist University, said at the very least Bush will go to the IMF, World Bank, G20, and Cannes gatherings in 2014.

"Mr. Bush wants to set up his easel outside these summits and paint humorous caricatures of the attendees when they pass by," said Rice. Since leaving office the 43rd President has become known for his hobby of painting, mostly self-portraits.

Bush said he has long wanted to share his painting with world leaders. "I want my leader amigos to see me doing my paintings in person -- in other words, in action," he said.

"It'll be a fun time. I plan to do all my friends in amusing situations: Tony Blair as a lapdog, por ejemplo. Nicolas Sarkozy as Casanova. Pootie-Poot as, I don't know, an astronaut? Maybe Angela Merkel will pose for me in the bath, I'm good at those," said Bush.

Bush added that he is especially looking forward to the annual Cannes summit. "Real movie stars will be fun to paint, until now I've only done Kelsey Grammer and Victoria Jackson."

Rice said the board of the Bush Presidential Library & Cafeteria is excited about Mr. Bush's tour of painting. "They're mostly glad that finally there will be stuff to fill up the exhibit spaces."

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October 28, 2013
Tom DeLay returns, with answer to expensive health coverage

Former Congressman Tom DeLay returned to public life today, only a few weeks after his 2010 conviction for money laundering was overturned by a Texas state court of appeals.

"It's great to be back, contributing in a small way to making things better for the American people," said DeLay, from the 8th fairway of St. Andrews golf course in Scotland, where the Texan is enjoying a golfing holiday.

The onetime House Majority Leader is quietly promoting his own alternative proposal to Obamacare. But where Republican leaders, such as Rep. Paul D. Ryan of Wisconsin, are focusing on repealing the president's signature law, DeLay's plan seeks to address the spiralling costs of insurance plans themselves.

The Northern Mariana Islands commonwealth, a US territory in which DeLay took a special interest during his tenure in Congress, would be given a pivotal role.

Under DeLay's plan, health insurance corporations would outsource most of their activities to the Marianas. "Little Pacific Islander ladies would spend 15 to 18 hours a day processing claims and payments, pre-approving treatments, and denying reimbursement for investigational drugs and procedures," DeLay explained.

According to DeLay the low labor costs in the Marianas, "sometimes just pennies an hour," would reduce overhead costs on health insurance. "It might be as low as 1 or 2 percent, after dividends and executive bonuses," said DeLay.

DeLay said production facilities, employee barracks and supporting infrastructure (casinos, golf courses and brothels) are just sitting there ready for use. "It would be crazy not to exploit this low-wage paradise to save American taxpayers money," DeLay said.

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October 25, 2013
Ryan unveils 'Sponsor A Sickie' alternative to Obamacare

Congressman Paul D. Ryan pulled back the curtain today to reveal his long-awaited alternative to Obamacare, which the Wisconsin Republican is calling Sponsor A Sickie.

"This is a totally free-market, private sector-based alternative to Obamacare, and I think the more the American people learn about it, the more they'll like it," said Ryan, the House GOP's budget writer and 2012 nominee for vice president.

Sponsor A Sickie is different from Obamacare -- the Affordable Care Act -- in three key respects:

  • Individuals will shop for unregulated high-priced private insurance. But instead of providing federal subsidies to those who cannot afford the premiums, Sponsor A Sickie will match low income subscribers with major corporate sponsorships. "When people are on the dole under Sponsor A Sickie, it'll be the Dole Fruit Company," said Ryan health policy advisor Don Draper.
  • Shopping for insurance plans and applying for coverage will be done through traditional methods -- through brokers and using paper applications, not on a new website. "Insurance companies have decided the Internet is investigational," said Draper.
  • In an innovative departure from the status quo, Sponsor A Sickie health plans will not require payment of coinsurance or deductibles. Instead, subscribers will express gratitude to corporate sponsors through media appearances and branding. "Hospital gowns will come in corporate color pallettes and emblazoned with sponsor logos," Draper explained. "A healthy person might just have to wear a big button that says 'I'm covered by Wellpoint - Ask Me How'."

Ryan believes having insurance subscribers and patients appear in corporate advertising will "unleash the power of media to improve the American health care system, which is the best in the world."

"It's not just about everyone getting their Constitutionally-guaranteed fifteen minutes of fame. Insurance still won't cover everything, and families will still need to make public appeals for donations to pay for expensive treatment and prescriptions. Sophisticated corporate advertising can only help such public prostrations," Ryan said.

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October 21, 2013
Bachmann claims witches are signing up for Obamacare

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann welcomed news today of Health & Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius' intention to cooperate with a House committee investigating the problem-plagued launch of the Healthcare.gov website.

"The Secretary's cooperation is good news, because I have serious questions for her about the number of witches who have used the site to sign up for Obamacare," the Minnesota lawmaker said in an exclusive interview with Dennis Wortham of the American Association of Middle Ages People magazine.

Bachmann, who announced earlier this year she is not running for reelection, said it makes "perfect sense" witches are signing up for the insurance program.

"It makes perfect sense that they have to sign up for Earthly health insurance, because their healing potions and spells don't work, theirs is a false religion, praise Jesus, Maranatha come, His open enrollment period is at hand," she said.

Bachmann said when Sebelius appears before the Energy & Commerce Committee, she needs to answer questions about witch enrollments, the locations of their covens, and how many federal IT support technicians are warlocks.

"Witch rhymes with glitch," she noted.

However, Bachmann stressed that while her questions concern witches, she is not on a witch hunt. "I am simply opposed to Obamacare taxpayer subsidies being used for witchcraft. There is no way of knowing what effect government interference will have on the prices of eye of newt, frog toes and bat wool, which are important products in my district," Bachmann explained.

Bachmann said she is working on a bill that could stand as her crowning achievement in Congress -- removing the line 'And to the Republic for witch it stands' from the Pledge Of Allegiance.

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October 16, 2013
A Message From Fred Thompson

Script

Hi, I'm Fred Thompson.

I played a folksy lawyer on Law & Order and a folksy senator on CSPAN. Now I'm proud to be working with the Great American USA Patriotic Manifest Destiny Finance Company, a leader in reverse mortgages.

These are hard times for all of us. Even with more and more wealth in our economy, we just can't seem to cut taxes enough to fully fund government programs or service the national debt.

Fortunately, there IS an answer. Why raise taxes or make painful subsidy cuts, when you can tap into 237 years of national equity with a reverse mortgage from Great American USA Patriotic Manifest Destiny Finance!

That's right, there's money in those public buildings, national parks, natural resources, military bases, scientific research, pension bailout funds, interstate highways, and electricity grids.

And gold, in the case of Fort Knox.

With a simple reverse mortgage, you'll get cash immediately that you can use to pay your prioritized debts, or pay the salaries of the legislative branch -- all without raising taxes on those who can afford it.

Who will end up with ownership of the country after you've spent your equity? Who cares! You'll probably be dead in a generation or two anyway.

So give Great American USA Patriotic Manifest Destiny Finance a call today, our reverse mortgage counselors are standing by to help get some of that equity working for you.

Announcer: Great American USA Patriotic Manifest Destiny Finance, a division of Koch Industries based in the Cayman Islands. Be one of the first 232 callers to 1-888-80-LEECH and get a free DVD of Fred Thompson in Iron Eagle III.

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October 14, 2013
Ted Cruz embarking on National Shutdown Tour

Sources close to Senator Ted Cruz say he has reached a decision to take his government shutdown fight to the entire country.

On what is to be called the National Shut It Down Tour, Cruz is expected to barnstorm a dozen locations in several states, counties and cities, to "educate the public on the benefits of shutting down all levels of government," according to sources who have seen the itinerary.

The move appears timed to increase the national profile of Cruz, a likely 2016 presidential candidate, as the senator who pushed the federal government into shutdown.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin are slated to play supporting roles.

The National Shutdown Tour begins Tuesday with an ambitious goal -- achieve a shutdown of San Francisco's Muni transit system. A stoppage was narrowly averted this morning when unions and Muni agreed to continue negotiations.

Bachmann and Palin will reinforce Cruz. On Wednesday the duo will rally in San Francisco in support of the Muni shutdown, but demand the agency keep the stations and trains open for World War II veterans who might be visiting.

Longtime Washington Post columnist George F. Will thinks the National Shut It Down Tour is a good idea. "People need to see that not only does not shutting it down continue the wasteful delivery of public services, it offers little PR benefit for the preening egomaniacs who ought to be leading us," Will said.

After the Bay Area, Cruz is tentatively scheduled to appear in Knoxville, where he will advocate for the shutdown of the Tennessee Valley Authority. TVA provides electricity to 9 million people and flood control to a huge region. Will says this will be the first big test of the effectiveness of Cruz's message, "since the TVA has no imminent financial or labor problems."

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October 8, 2013
Conservative campaign donor wants to cut out the middle man

The Supreme Court today begins hearing a case which, if decided for the plaintiff, could simplify donating to US political campaigns.

Republican activist Shaun McCutcheon filed suit against the Federal Election Commission because he says the agency's restrictions on how much he can donate to candidates is inefficient.

"I view my donations as potentially good investments compared with risky stock market picks," said McCutcheon, 46, CEO of an Alabama company that specializes in emitting carbon.

"I want to be able to buy into the campaigns of candidates who promise me specifics in return for my investing my money with them," McCutcheon stated.

"The best part of political contributions is that there's no middle man at a brokerage skimming a commission off the top," he said.

But federal election finance law limits what he can donate to individual candidates -- currently $2600, up to 17 candidates per election. McCutcheon said, "It's like if the SEC limited how many shares I can buy in a corporation."

"Yet the regulations let me contribute to independent Super PACs in unlimited amounts. Well that's fine if you're happy with letting Wayne LaPierre, Karl Rove or the Koch brothers pick your candidates. But if I'm the one investing, I want candidates personally beholden to me and not some PAC," McCutcheon said.

"I'm a millionaire, so my opinion ought to be worth more -- isn't that what America is all about?"

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October 2, 2013
American experiment comes to 'successful conclusion'

The federal government shutdown has entered its second day, but while official Washington is working to resolve the crisis, a leading figure in business says the conventional wisdom is wrong.

"The conventional wisdom is wrong," billionaire industrialist Charles Koch said over brunch today at the Four Seasons.

"If America is an experiment in democracy, then it's a 237 year experiment that has come to a successful conclusion," Koch confided to Beauchamp 'Bibi' Robbins (Harvard '81), of the Darien Robbinses.

"The Boehner Speakership has proven that Wall Street keeps rolling while the House just sits around playing with themselves," said Koch.

"Look at the past week. For years Congress has worked one day day a week. But last week they got less accomplished, even though they were working every day to avoid the shutdown."

"Then there's the Executive Branch -- the departments and agencies close and two days later we're still here. To my mind this proves we don't need government at all -- a great success," he declared.

So successful that Koch feels the time is right to announce his latest enterprise: Gummint Inc.

Koch described Gummint as "a private corporation with all the complexity and cost of government, but without voting or the Freedom Of Information Act."

Koch said Gummint, being privately held, will be more efficient than government because it will be answerable only to himself and his brother David Koch, also a billionaire industrialist.

"Now when people say 'gummint doesn't care about the little guy,' it really will be Gummint not caring about the little guy. The post-democracy era is here," Koch said.

Koch said Gummint is up and running in an undisclosed location, with executive positions filled by former congressmen, lobbyists, and lobbyists who used to be congressmen.

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