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Summer 2013

July
12 Perry declares prayeratroopers victorious against wildfires
15 House GOP floats privatized immigration reform by Walmart
20 Dear New Leader by Kim Jong Un
22 Zimmerman hoping for career as baseball's 'ultimate stopper'

August
5 GOP outreach to stock photo models
12 Gohmert - 'Solar energy spill' cause of drought, wildfires
14 Zimmerman is honorary chairman of voting integrity group
19 Bachmann pressures Crayola to 'bring back traditional Flesh color crayons'
26 Bloomberg - 'Nude York' only way to keep city safe
31 Fire destroys Trump U campus

September
8 Zimmerman to train Iowa seeing eye dogs
16 Obama wins Nobel Reverse Psychology Prize
20 Rep. Raul Labrador proposes system of tradeable 'bigotry credits'

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September 20, 2013
Rep. Raul Labrador proposes system of tradeable 'bigotry credits'

Transcript

ERITAS: Good Morning. The battle over same sex marriage continues between gay Americans who want to get married and their more traditional conservative opponents. Now one Republican Congressman has come up with a plan he thinks could satisfy both sides. Representative Raul Labrador of Idaho speaks with us from the Eritas studio in Nampa.

LABRADOR: Thank you for taking my call. Yesterday I introduced the Marriage and Religious Freedom Act, because religious freedom is what opposition to same sex marriage is all about.

ERITAS: What does the Marriage and Religious Freedom Act do?

LABRADOR: It would set up a market, in which businesses and groups would purchase bigotry credits that allow them to not serve gays, and sell them to others who want to do likewise.

ERITAS: Does this constitute legalization of discrimination?

LABRADOR: It's more accurate to think of this as giving people with deeply held convictions a way to buy the right to express those beliefs publicly.

ERITAS: So it's legitimization of discrimination.

LABRADOR: If you will. If an event planner, wedding photographer, florist, baker, or what have you, feels they don't want to serve gays, then they can purchase credits in the new Traditional Values Market which would allow them a certain amount of discrimination. I based bigotry credits on the concept of carbon credits, so this should be something socialists can support. Plus, under my bill, credit purchases would be taxed to fund the federal government.

ERITAS: I see. So as with carbon credits, which would create a zero sum amount of legal carbon emissions, the bigotry credits market would also put a ceiling on discrimination against gay marriages.

LABRADOR: Uh, what?

ERITAS: If the bigotry is in a market, by definition there's finite number of credits. This means some people could buy bigotry credits and not use them. If this is done strategically, blocs of credits would be taken out of circulation, therefore reducing discrimination.

LABRADOR: I have no idea what you're talking about. The goal of my bill is to protect and perpetuate discrimination against homos. Finite bigotry credits? Oh no, there's plenty more where that came from, you can count on that. And the revenue funds the federal government, don't you want to avoid a government shutdown?

ERITAS: Thank you for talking with us today. I also understand you've decided you won't be running for reelection next year.

LABRADOR: That's right. I'm going into the private sector, I'll be a partner in a new bigotry commodities trading firm.

* * * *

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September 16, 2013
Obama wins Nobel Reverse Psychology Prize

Four years after awarding Barack Obama its Peace prize, the Nobel organization announced today it is honoring the US president once again, this time for his groundbreaking achievements in Reverse Psychology.

Spokesman Ole Frandle of the Norwegian Nobel Commission called it "impressive and amazing" that Obama can get a person or group to disavow a belief simply by appearing to adopt that belief.

"His achievements are dramatic and well documented. The president has made Republicans disavow Romneycare by renaming and embracing it, and proposed a military strike against Syria to create overwhelming consensus among hawks for a diplomatic solution," said Frandle.

"In general he has steered opponents into politically untenable positions simply by being half black," Frandle observed.

Frandle said the causal connection is clear: "Why, just this morning Mitch McConnell proposed universal single payer health insurance as an alternative to Obamacare."

Obama will be awarded his prize at a banquet to be held November 20th in Perth, Australia. "We've always held the ceremony in Oslo, but we felt we had to move it when the president said he was looking forward to seeing Oslo again," Frandle said.

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September 8, 2013
Zimmerman to train Iowa seeing eye dogs

George Zimmerman is speeding down the road again, and this time he's bound for Iowa.

The Hawkeye state is considering issuing concealed weapons permits to the blind, and Zimmerman says he wants to help by training seeing eye dogs how to shoot.

Zimmerman, who last week was sued for divorce by his wife Shellie, said he wants to work with dogs, "because they'll do what you tell them without any lip."

"Dogs are natural patrollers, meaning they are good at leading their owners on neighborhood watch tours. All the dogs need is to learn to shoot."

Zimmerman said his training program will rely on standard reinforcements of rewards and praise. "I'll take a dog out to the shooting range and get him accustomed to holding the gun in his paws. A dog will get a treat when it shoots the target that's wearing a hoodie," Zimmerman explained.

Zimmerman said the challenge is to design a gun that dogs can use. "It will need to have a hollow trigger, so you can hide a treat inside it," he said.

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August 31, 2013
Fire destroys Trump U campus

(New York) A massive bonfire meant to celebrate Homecoming Weekend at Trump University went out of control late last night and swept across the Donald Trump-founded institution, leaving it a total loss.

Students, faculty and administrators had gathered around the bonfire just after sunset Eastern Time, to psych themselves up for the today's homecoming football game between the Trump Donalds and the Fountainheads of Regents University.

According to eyewitness accounts, at about 9:30 pm the flames were seen to jump from the bonfire to the roof of the university records office located three yards away.

The building was soon engulfed in flames, fueled by the shelves of paperwork, hard drives and oily rags. Destroyed were student transcripts, faculty contracts, budgets, and other files requested by the office of New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman.

From there the blaze spread quickly to the rest of the campus, said Capt. George Zimmerman of the campus security watch, who arrived on-scene almost immediately to evacuate the crowd and make smores.

It was over by 10:30 pm. Zimmerman explained the speed of the fire was due to Trump University being constructed out of bricks made from recycled egg cartons bonded with wax. The Trump University website calls the building method sustainable, but the National Association of Insurance Actuaries calls it kindling.

Donald Trump arrived a few hours later to view the devastation, and called the campus a total loss. "Luckily, however, we have excellent fire insurance," Trump said.

Trump vowed to rebuild his university pending the outcome of litigation.

The Homecoming game is unaffected by the fire, as the Donalds play their schedule online as part of EA Sports' Madden NFL 25. Kickoff is at 4 pm ET.

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August 26, 2013
Bloomberg - 'Nude York' only way to keep city safe

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg shocked New York City today by declaring the Big Apple a mandatory nude city.

Under the mayor's Nude York Proclamation, everyone must be nude or wear transparent clothing in public, so as to prevent the carrying of concealed weapons.

"The federal court ruling leaves me with no alternative," said Bloomberg, referring to the decision by US District Court Judge Shira A. Scheindlin striking down the city's stop and frisk policy.

The Bloomberg administration had been planning to appeal the ruling.

"If the NYPD can't randomly stop and frisk blacks and Hispanics for guns, then I'm afraid everybody is going to have to be all nude, all the time. Those are the only choices available to us," Bloomberg told New York 1 in an exclusive interview.

The mayor issued a challenged to critics. "If anyone has a better idea they should build a multi-million dollar media empire and pump their own money into a run for mayor," he said defiantly.

He called Scheindlin's proposed remedies -- an independent police monitor and officer-mounted video cameras -- "intrusive and voyeuristic, as well as smacking of Big Brother," referring to the CBS reality program.

Police Commissioner Ray Kelly gave an interview to the NY Post endorsing the new policy. "No doubt about it, if people keep wearing clothes violent crime will go up," Kelly said.

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August 19, 2013
Bachmann pressures Crayola to 'bring back traditional Flesh color crayons'

(Forks Township, PA) Continuing to make good on her promise not to be silent on important issues, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann today took her campaign for traditional values to this small eastern Pennsylvania community.

The Minnesota lawmaker was in town to hold a rally targeting the Crayola company, the popular crayon maker based here since 1976.

"It's a shame that a great American institution like Crayola decided to undermine the fabric of our society by renaming Flesh crayons Peach," said a visibly angry Bachmann, 67.

"If Flesh crayons were good enough for my kids to color the baby Jesus, they should be good enough for America's children," she said.

Bachmann concluded her remarks by calling the loss of Flesh "the worst threat to our way of life since Barack Obama took away our light bulbs."

Crayola officials moved quickly in response, inviting Bachmann to a meeting at company headquarters where an education program officer explained the reasons for the renaming.

"We explained to Mrs. Bachmann that Crayola decided to relabel Flesh in 1962, in large part because of the Civil Rights Movement then taking place. That was a long time before the whole light bulb thing," explained Crayola media relations specialist Sienna Umber.

Bachmann remained unmoved following the meeting. "Crayola was wrong to cave in to extreme 1960s activists, but there is still time to correct this wrong. I call on Crayola to bring back traditional Flesh color crayons -- right now, this month, in time for the back-to-school sales," Bachmann said.

"Do it for America's children," she added.

Bachmann said she is planning to spend her final year in office working on a bill banning the metric system within the US.

She said HR8675309 would require measuring distances in "the traditional Bible system of cubits," volumes in mina (about a half quart), and money in shekels.

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August 14, 2013
Zimmerman is honorary chairman of voting integrity group

The effort to make sure only the right people vote in the 2014 midterm election got underway this morning, as the True The Vote voting integrity group named George Zimmerman its honorary chairman for the election cycle.

Spokesman Chad Frandle said Zimmerman would tour the country to conduct training sessions and speak about issues of concern to the Tea Party-based group.

"We're all about making sure the wrong people don't vote, and George is an expert at spotting those people," said Frandle.

"Basically, our goal on election day is to make sure voters feel like they're walking through a gated community," he added.

For his part 'stand your ground' poster boy Zimmerman, 29, said he's excited to have the opportunity to give back. "There are only a handful of documented vote fraud cases because these (expletive), they always get away, I look forward to trying to catch them," said Zimmerman.

"It will be my job to advise True The Vote poll watchers on how to spot people who shouldn't be voting. Anyone who looks like they don't belong there," he explained.

"An authentic voter takes it seriously, like the privilege it is. For instance, a serious voter dresses appropriately when he goes to vote, not like they're going down to the 7 Eleven to buy snacks. No hoodies, that's kind of a hot button with me," Zimmerman said.

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August 12, 2013
Gohmert - 'Solar energy spill' cause of drought, wildfires

(Lebkuchen, Texas) Congressman Louie Gohmert toured this drought stricken region of east Texas today, promising to do everything limited government power can do to help.

Lebkuchen, a small unincorporated community, is one of many in the state projected to run out of water in the near future.

Gohmert, a staunch advocate for traditional fuels such as coal, petroleum and Pres-to-Logs, said the crisis in Lebkuchen showed the danger of solar energy.

"President Obama wants to make our country more dependent on solar energy. Well I'd like to see him come down here and explain it to the people of Texas," said Gohmert.

"Every summer this region experiences what can only be called an unchecked solar energy spill, drying up all the water and creating volatile brushfire conditions," he said.

"Texans need less solar energy, not more of it," he added.

Later in the day Gohmert toured a makeshift wildlife center where volunteer Republican environmentalists are caring for animals caught in the solar spill.

The congressman even rolled up his own sleeves, helping wash several migratory birds he said had been brought in "covered in thick gooey sunshine."

Gohmert said he has asked Gov. Rick Perry to declare eastern Texas a disaster area, triggering release of federal assistance.

A disaster declaration would allow Department of Energy response teams to start cleaning up solar energy immediately, Gohmert promised.

Until then the lawmaker said Texans in areas polluted by solar energy should wrap themselves in reflective clothing, such as the aluminum foil hats that have become his trademark.

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August 5, 2013
GOP diversity move - Outreach to stock photo models

(Alexandria, VA) Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus announced a new racial diversity effort for his party today, an outreach campaign he said is to include an online focus.

Speaking to Republican insiders and invited pundits in an informal gathering on the 13th green of the Sen. Harry F. Byrd Jr. Restricted Golf & Country Club, the GOP boss conceded, "Diversity has been problematic for us in recent years."

"In the last two presidential elections in particular, the ethnic diversity portrayed in our literature and on our websites hasn't matched the actual demographics of our voters," Priebus said.

"It seemed that every time we put photos of young, ethnically diverse Republicans on leaflets and websites, they turned out to be stock photos. Well that's all going to change," he said.

Priebus then introduced his caddy, Maine state legislator L.L. Freeport, the choice to lead the diversity campaign. Freeport represents the area around Kennebunkport.

Priebus said Rep. Freeport "is uniquely qualified to lead this effort, he's a former fashion model who has appeared in many catalogs like Benetton, J Crew and Lands End."

Freeport thanked Priebus, and promised to avoid use of unrealistic stock photos. "I'm going to be reaching out exclusively to stock photo models, so I can practically guarantee Republican stock photos in future will accurately depict a full color palette of Republicans -- the primaries, the pastels and the stripes not to mention the mixed prints," Freeport said.

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July 22, 2013
Zimmerman hoping for career as baseball's 'ultimate stopper'

The attorney for Florida unemployed public safety volunteer George Zimmerman says his client is hoping his particular skills will take him all the way to the big leagues.

Lawyer Don 'Shecky' West said following his acquittal for murdering teenager Trayvon Martin, Zimmerman, 29, has been mulling over what do for the rest of his long, full life, and has decided the job of baseball 'closer' pitcher fits him perfectly. West is now negotiating with several major league clubs to arrange private tryouts for his client.

"When it's late in a game and the other team has runners trying to reach home, the closer or 'save artist' is the one who steps in to prevent it, and that is George Zimmerman to a T," explained West.

Often the closer comes into the game with a man already in scoring position. "George's job would be to get strikeouts, sure, but also gun down the runner if he looks like he might try to steal home," West said.

"George can become baseball's ultimate stopper," he declared.

West said Zimmerman is working with a sports marketing consultant on nicknames. Killer, Shooter, The Watchman, and The Final Solution are the top possibilities.

The American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) has drafted model legislation called Stand Your Mound, allowing an armed pitcher to use deadly force in a save situation (when defending a lead of 3 runs or less).

ALEC spokesperson Adolph Scumthorpe said his organization hopes to have the legislation enacted as law in all 50 states in time for 2014 spring training.

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July 20, 2013
Dear New Leader
by Kim Jong Un

Dear New Leader,

      This is to notify you a case has been opened with the Security Council concerning the attempted shipment of an embargoed weapons system, hidden in a cargo of sugar from Cuba through Panama to North Korea. You or your representatives will be contacted in due course by an investigation team. Please reply as soon as possible on this matter; refer to case number 130718-DPRK44212U. Signed, Ban Ki-moon, Secretary General

Dear UN Sweepstakes Prize Patrol:
      I can't believe I've finally won something besides the supreme leadership of my people! No seriously, arms control is a muy serioso matter and I want to cooperate in full.
      Here's the dealio. We want to add more cultural opportunities in central Pyongyang, to go with the 24 sports stadia and the National Gallery of Stolen Art. And I thought, What about a Museum Of Glorious Soviet Era People's Military Technology? The mid-20th century has always been tres tres chic here, so I made a few calls and whaddaya know -- the Castro brothers said they had a 50 year old radar system that was just gathering dust. So they agreed to ship it to me to be the museum's first piece. The tons of sugar was to act as a dessicant.
      So that's all there is to it. Totally innocent. But I'll more than welcome any investigators should you still care to send them. If possible, could you send the team from Crossing Lines on NBC? I'm a huge Moon Dailly fan.

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July 15, 2013
House GOP floats privatized immigration reform by Walmart

Calling the immigration reform bill passed by the Senate "dead on arrival," a leading Congressional Republican today introduced alternative legislation to turn immigration reform over to Walmart, effectively privatizing the effort.

"The Senate bill is dead on arrival in that it involved compromising with the Democooties," said Rep. Steve King.

Instead the Iowa lawmaker said he and 27 cosponsors will introduce an uncompromising version of immigration reform in the House that would garner unanimous Republican support.

How it would work

Under King's Free Market Immigration Reform Act of 2013, all costs would be borne by Walmart.

No immigration checks or other paperwork would be required, "a cost saving measure Walmart already uses," King said.

Undocumented immigrants who want to stay in the US would be guaranteed employment at Walmart and participating businesses. But hourly wages would be capped at $6-7 an hour with no benefits, and 20% FICA withholding. Their income would be so low that they couldn't afford U.S. prices, and so would have to return to whence they came.

"If Mitt Romney had explained self-deportation this way he might have lost by less," King said.

King went on to add that low wages have been an effective weapon in the war on drugs: "Recent reports say cocaine sales have declined 40% since 2006, it has to be because of low and stagnant wages."

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July 12, 2013
Perry declares prayeratroopers victorious against wildfires

Texas Governor Rick Perry today recognized the work of the state's main weapon against wildfires -- the heroic teams of prayeratroopers.

The teams were formed by the Texas Department of God two years ago, when Perry first urged citizens to pray for "the healing of our land" and for an end to the drought.

After a week of basic training, sixteen teams with 20-24 prayeratroopers each were ready for action.

In a tinder-dry weekend in April 2011, the teams first gathered in air conditioned megachurch basements in Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, San Antonio, El Paso, and Amarillo.

Working in shifts so all team members had opportunities to eat, sleep, shower and watch The 700 Club, the prayeratroopers spent three days asking god to send rain to stop the fires.

In an awards ceremony today in Waco, Perry handed out medals and praise.

He noted that since the launch of the prayeratroop program, no megachurches in a major metropolitan area has been lost to brushfires.

"These brave men and women have done three things secular firefighting never could -- giving the lord due credit for fighting wildfires, and firefighting without needing taxpayer money," declared Perry.

Perry said he has plans to recruit more prayeratroopers to provide emergency faith healing in public hospitals.

In a related story, pop singer Justin Bieber has tweeted his willingness to help put out fires in Texas. "I'm hydrating, & I can bring my own bucket," Bieber wrote in a tweet to Perry.

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