<This Month>

1 Our Alien Overlords Cancel Earth Month
4 Dear Leader by Kim Jong Il
8 GOP to fight crime with deregulation
13 Conservatives rattled when saber stays sheathed
15 Tea Partiers Fight for Liberty
17 Obama picks Bob Barker to host "Truth and No Consequences"
21 Somali pirate is judged
23 Legislature averts budget disaster
28 Cheney wants to be swine flu czar
30 Bush comments on 100 Days report card

   "Where's the
   Archive?"

Transcript

Hello, this is former President George Dubya Bush. Please, hold your applause.

The start of a president's admenstruation sets the tone for his entire term in office. So it's impordant that the Commander in Chief, the Numero Uno, has a good report card for the first hunderd days.

That's why when it was time for my report card on my first hunderd days as president, I used Liquid Paper®.

Now, a lot of you young people today may not be familiar with this miracle liquid, accustomary as you are to using computers and the internets.

Back when I was a boy in boarding school, we couldn't cover up our mistakes by hitting the Delete key, clicking on the Trash, or hiring Geeks On Call to erase hard drives. No, we had real report cards, paper ones made from old growth timber.

Our teachers would write down our grades by hand, or print them using an ancient device called a "typewriter." Which is sorta like a PC without the TV screen.

Now, sometimes the teachers made, uh, typological errors, and we students had to correct them. A little dab of Liquid Paper® here (using the handy appligator brush), a dab there, some fancy "typewriter" work, and Mission Accomplished: an F becomes a Gentleman's C.

Sometimes, depending on the boarding school, the report cards would be on colored paper. I think you call them paper of color nowdays. Anyhow, this was not a problem because the good people at Liquid Paper® make dif'rent colored Liquid Paper®s. Liquid Paper® of color. In other words, a rainbow of diversity.

When one president leaves office, by tradition he leaves a handwritten note for the next fella. I wrote such a note for President Barack Osama -- naw, I can't tell you what I told him, it's supposed to be private.

But I will tell you this: I couldn't have written it without Liquid Paper®. And what's more, I left him the bottle.

Thank you, and may dog bless Merica.

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Would torture pigs to uncover plots

Continuing to assert his relevancy in national affairs, former Vice President Dick Cheney today called on President Obama to appoint him to head the government's response to the swine flu pandemic.

As swine flu czar, Cheney would use the knowledge he gained in keeping America safe in seven of the eight years of the Bush administration.

"Let's be frank here. The homeland is under threat," warned Cheney.

"The swine flu threat is invisible, and fortunately I have lots of experience with invisible threats. Based on my experience, the only way to nip this swine flu threat in the bud is to round up as many pigs as possible and start interrogating them," Cheney said.

Cheney went on to describe the threat as a ticking bomb-type scenario. "So we need to do whatever it takes to get information about where the pigs intend to launch their next flu attack."

Cheney maintained that enhanced interrogation, also known as grilling, "is pretty well confirmed to get results from hogs. They always squeal."

Cheney Ready to grill our enemies

According to Cheney, legal opinions from Bush Justice Department officials authorizes the use of liquid in interrogation, a method known as marinating. Slamming them into walls, a procedure known as tenderizing, can also be used, said Cheney.

Then suspects are questioned while rotating over hot coals until their skin is crispy and golden.

Other enhanced interrogation methods include braising, deep frying, and being wrapped in ti leaves and buried in a mesquite-fired pit for about three hours.

Cheney also called on the National Archives to unclassify two secret documents that describe how CIA contractors prepare marinades and spice rubs.

In related news, conservative radio talker Rush Limbaugh paused between mouthfuls to celebrate a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announcement that swine flu is not transmitted by food. "Mmmphllf slurf grrrnd," Limbaugh said.

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Almost forgot to fuck education

The Washington State Legislature reached an accord on the state's 2009-2011 budget yesterday, after House and Senate negotiators realized that they had forgotten to fuck public education.

The last minute discovery on Wednesday evening gave lawmakers the means to tend to the state's number one priority. By balancing the state budget on the backs of public schools, as well as higher education, health care and other services, both houses were able to approve $4.3 billion to fund the deep-bore tunnel replacement for Seattle's Alaskan Way Viaduct.

"We caught it just in time," said Rep. Kelli Linville, House ways and means chair, mopping the sweat from her brow.

"If we had quashed Sen. (Lisa) Brown's proposal for an income tax on the wealthy, but not fucked education too -- well, it would have been embarrassing," said Linville.

"Thank goodness Tim Sheldon noticed the error, and brought it to our attention," she added, referring to the senator from Potlatch, the leader and sole member of the Legislature's Connecticut For Lieberman Party caucus.

Senate ways and means vice chairman Rodney Tom (D-Medina) said he was especially pleased at the outcome. "Fucking education was something I was unable to accomplish when I was a Republican," Tom said.

House Education Appropriations Committee Chairwoman Kathy Haigh, D-Shelton, said teachers will be glad for the suspension of Initiative 728 funding that pays for reduced class sizes. "Next winter when school administrators discover we've cut the funds for school furnaces, they'll be glad to have the extra body heat per class," Haigh said.

House Speaker Frank Chopp said he would bring the budget agreement to a final vote on Sunday. He assured supporters of public education there was still time to fuck school funding even more. "I have a clever plan to move public education to several new freeway interchanges on I-405," Chopp said.

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Musi impresses Simon Callow with song from Penzance

Taking a page from the Cinderella story of aspiring British singer Susan Boyle, Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi is winning acclaim Tuesday for his performance of a song from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance.

Musi, 18 or possibly 16, was in New York today for arraignment on charges stemming from his alleged role in the hostage-taking of American merchant ship captain Richard Phillips.

Attired in a blue jumpsuit and chains, Musi was smiling but clearly nervous as he was brought before federal magistrate Andrew J. Peck. The thin outlaw's unlikely appearance drew snickers, smirks and eyerolls from spectators in the courtroom.

But a thrill ran through the crowd when Musi delivered the opening phrase of "Oh Better Far To Live and Die (Pirate King)" -- "Oh, better far to live and die / Under the brave black flag I fly." Musi held his listeners spellbound until he reached the conclusion of the song, when they erupted into cheers.

Internationally known talent judge Simon Callow was among the onlookers, and called Musi "a tiger"

"I knew the minute he walked up to the defense table we were going to hear something extraordinary, and I was right," Callow said.

Bernice Frandle, a stay at home mother from Fort Lee, New Jersey, was also in court. She called Musi "inspiring."

"I feel so bad about pre-judging him based on his appearance. He's a pirate, but he's a pirate who's got talent," Frandle said.

The YouTube video of Musi's performance has been viewed more than 1.7 million times. Musi now moves on to the next round, going up against accused Craigslist killer Phillip Markoff.

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Barker's the choice Pres. Obama and Sen. McConnell introduce TV legend to reporters

Bipartisanship broke out in the nation's capital today, as the White House and congressional Republicans jointly announced that television legend Bob Barker will host "Truth and No Consequences" on C-SPAN2, Wednesdays at 9pm ET. It would be the first government whitewash for Barker, 86, who is best known for hosting "The Price Is Right" from 1972 to 2007.

"Truth and No Consequences" is an alternative to investigation and prosecution of CIA personnel for violating laws against torture. Instead of a special prosecutor, it will fall to Barker to question agents about enhanced interrogation techniques authorized by the Bush administration as part of the global war against terror.

Contestants who admit to Barker that they used methods that meet the definition of torture would be able to avoid consequences by performing a wacky stunt in front of the live studio audience.

In announcing Barker's appointment, President Barack Obama said the country deserves an end to "a dark and painful chapter."

"The American people have a lot of painful chapters yet to come, and in times such as these the matter of illegal torture deserves the kind of satisfying resolution that only a prime time game show can provide," Obama said.

Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell agreed with the president. "What do you think the people would rather see: CIA operatives rolling over on Bush administration officials who authorized torture? Or a CIA operative attempting to jump a unicycle over a wading pool full of Jell-o?" asked McConnell.

"My money's on the Jell-o," he concluded.

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Demand cuts to crusts of cucumber sandwiches

Organizers of the "tea party" tax protests were flush with success today, as thousands of their supporters gathered to send a message to their leaders in Washington DC.

At packed gatherings coast to coast, protesters sipped tea from elegant china cups. All agreed they had had enough of high federal tax rates that are the lowest since the presidency of George H.W. Bush.

Brevard P. Ditto of Gatlinburg, Tennessee, organized a tea party in his neighborhood. Ditto said he wanted to send a message to Big Government: "I oppose taxation without representation for the millions of Americans like me who aren't registered to vote," said Ditto. Ditto toasted the occasion with a delicate Wedgwood cup of orange pekoe, pinky thrust correctly and defiantly into the air.

Tea Party salute The new symbol of anti-establishment defiance

Pinkies were held aloft throughout the Ditto tea party as the discussion ranged over a number of hot-button issues such as creeping socialism, creeping fascism, Starfleet's secret war in the Gamma Quadrant, and removing the Do Not Remove tag on your mattress.

Most agreed that the greatest tyranny is that participating in democracy requires voting.

Ditto said he doesn't vote because of what he calls "the math."

"The idea that John McCain and Sarah Palin's 46% wasn't more than half of the votes cast, it doesn't make sense. How can a minority like Obama win a majority? It smells like socialism to me," said Ditto.

Ditto friend Billy Ray Enencephaly said he has more important things to do than vote, like watch educational television. "I made the tea party cucumber sandwiches by watching a demonstration on the Martha Stewart show," said Enencephaly.

Enencephaly, sipping lapsang souchong, said he had an epiphany during program. "Government needs to be cut like the crusts off cucumber sandwiches. Cut the crusts! Cut the crusts!" he repeated, and the cry was quickly taken up by the entire tea party.

Enencephaly went on to offer this reporter a petit four. "The government obviously convicted Martha of insider trading to stop her from telling the truth about crusts. But she is showing us the way now," he said.

Partygoer Bertha Lampoon said fundamental changes in the system must occur before she will consider voting. "Who got to make the rules? Why are there only ten amendments in the Bill of Rights? Why are there twelve Supreme Court justices? No one asked my opinion."

"I support our troops, but the constitution won't let the Pentagon quarter troops in my house. It's a restraint on liberty!" Lampoon declared, pinky raised.

Ditto said he would have another tea party, even though he has encountered discrimination, he claims. "Liberal latte-drinkers have been ridiculing us for having tea parties. But the constitution gives us the right to assemble, and tea parties are assemblies, right? Well we'll never stop fighting for our right to tea party," Ditto said.

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Armchair diplomats across America were disappointed yesterday, when the official Saber Of The United States was not used in the rescue of ship Captain Richard Phillips. Phillips, held hostage by Somali pirates for five days following a failed attempt to seize his ship the Maersk Alabama, was rescued by U.S. Navy SEALS in a lightning operation Sunday.

"It was the most boring match-up I've ever seen," said nationally syndicated talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who had been promoting the event as Sooper Dooper Sunday.

"Three lousy sniper shots, and that's it? Coach Barack Obama even kept the saber out of the game, unrattled. The international trash-talking is the most exciting part of The War Against Terror," Limbaugh said.

Indeed, Obama's failure to rattle the saber disappointed many War fans.

"Sooper Dooper Sunday was a bummer," observed Brevard P. Ditto, 34, a War enthusiast from Gatlinburg, Tennessee.

"Obama kept the saber on the bench, it didn't get the chance to rattle even once. If you ask me, the coach isn't a coach if he doesn't use all tools available," Ditto said.

"Ditto, this was like a no-hitter in baseball. A win, but bor-ing," chimed in Ditto's friend Billy Ray Enencephaly, 32. Enencephaly had donned a George W. Bush "43" game jersey and painted his face red, white and blue to watch the War on Ditto's plasma TV.

"We're Americans! We're loud, we're proud, and we're huge, and we tell the world we're better than them, or we'll kick their ass!" said Enencephaly.

"But Coach Obama didn't trash-talk nothing to nobody. Why should anyone take an interest in world affairs if our Coach isn't going to scream and yell and insult the other team? Such an incompetent coach needs to have his birth certifcate checked," Enencephaly said.

Asked what they would do now that the long 2001-2009 saber-rattling season has ended, Ditto said he has joined the so-called "Tea Party" movement. He is hosting an event on Wednesday.

"I'm bringing the cucumber sandwiches," added Enencephaly.

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Responding to ongoing public outrage, Congressional Republicans today introduced a major new law enforcement proposal.

The new plan, H.R. 1, is noteworthy for its innovative application of deregulation to the crimefighting arena. So says a group of ultra-neoconservatives led by House Republican Management Trainee Jonathan Krohn.

Krohn GOP Management Trainee

Krohn, the adorable 14 year old heir apparent to the intellectual leadership of the GOP, told reporters that the Republican plan is founded on bedrock neoconservative principles. "We are a party of principle. Who needs to spend a lot of time designing policy, when our principles give us the conviction that everything we do is right, regardless of reality," said Krohn.

"Our most deeply held principle is less government, which underlies this proposal. We're putting criminals on notice -- watch your backs, we're cutting federal, state and local crime regulations and unleashing the power of the market," he said.

Krohn said it is time for change. "Sure, we could do the usual and put more cops on the street, more community policing, a non-politicized Justice Department. But I believe that if big government regulations could control crime, shouldn't crime have been brought under control decades ago?"

"Deregulation is the answer. It's a Republican principle. Just as economic deregulation leads to economic prosperity, so too will deregulation cause crime to be overwhelmed by the free market." Krohn smiled and batted his eyelashes endearingly before continuing.

"People will be equal -- another Republican principle -- and so will their actions. No more abstract social engineering labels like 'crime' and 'non-crime', only economic transactions between people looking out for Number One. It will be -- dare I say it -- extreme entrepreneurism with a helping of liberty on the side," Krohn said.

"How do I know all this will work? I wrote a book when I was only 13!" Krohn said.

Krohn is set to resume his national tour promoting that book, "How To Pick Up Home Schooled Girls," and hopes his telegenic appearances will win support for H.R. 1.

"Just look at my dimples! I'm so cute it's enough to make ya plotz! Aha -- you plotzed just now. You were, I caught you plotzing!"

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Posted April 4, 2009

Dear Leader,

I am writing about your preparations for launching a satellite into Earth orbit. We in the U.S. are supportive of advancement and innovation in the field of science and the peaceful exploitation of space. However, we are concerned that some of your peaceful uranium could find its way into the missile's peaceful nosecone. I therefore request that you postpone the launch until we can get our peaceful naval forces closer to your peaceful coastline. Signed, Hillary

Dear Hillary:
       This is how rumors get started. For the record, I am not launching a satellite, I'm launching a 1973 Plymouth Satellite. Why? Because no one has ever before sent a Plymouth Satellite into space, and if the Democratic People's Republic of Korea stands for one thing it's world firsts. And the other is a good pun.
       Seriously folks, this is the first step of my new initiative to reach out to the world. I had originally wanted a cultural exchange with Ireland, because I thought I could get U2. But I canceled when they said I would have to take Enya as well. I think I made the right decision.
       After U2 my next favorite group is The B-52s, so as soon as I was done with Dublin I was on the phone with the people in Athens, Georgia, the B-52s home town. Thus the Plymouth Satellite -- it's a tribute to the band.
       So at this time I am pleased to announce the signing of a sister city agreement between Pyongyang and Athens. I am looking forward to many years of happy relations with our new sister city, especially if she's the kind of sister you can stay with if you get evicted, or lend you money until the next rice harvest comes in.
       So can you see why I've kept this whole thing secret? Can you imagine the ruckus had it leaked out I'm planning something involving "a satellite" and "B-52s"? NORAD would have freaked out and blown my publicity stunt sky high!

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Humans will adapt to conserve environment of planet Xerkon VI

Saying environmental damage by the human race is too big to overcome, our alien overlords from Xerkon VI have made the decision to declare Earth a total loss, the Xerkonian Embassy In Orbit announced today.

A $100 trillion environmental bailout package that had been expected to be rolled out today has instead been canceled, along with the human "Earth Month" ecosystem cleanup and restoration events planned for April.

But the energy cloud-beings from Xerkon have vowed not to abandon humanity, said spokesbeing Zan-Tor, who said the funding will redirected to lifeform relocation.

"I was a Science Corps Observer living among you for decades, posing as a clerk for the Washington Department of Licensing," said Zan-Tor, who spoke to a press gaggle aboard the Xerkonian driveship Monsan-To.

"I saw generations of humanity up close, and know how caring, selfless, and nutritious humans can be toward energy cloud-beings," he said, adding that he is sorry Earth must be abandoned.

"Greenhouse gas production continues to rise, at a rate that the depleted oceans and forests can no longer compensate for. Galactic Mutual will no longer write policies for Earth, therefore rendering our continued presence here unsustainable in terms of risk management, as well environmentally."

However, Zan-Tor said human environmentalists should not give up hope. "Xerkon can't afford to save Earth, but there is still time to save my world. Xerkon needs your help," he said.

Zan-Tor went on to explain that the physical nature of energy cloud-beings has led to serious environmental problems on Xerkon VI.

"Imagine a race of intelligent energy clouds who can change shape, size and opacity, even split into multiple parts. Obviously, it would be impossible to tell one entity from another, much less assign costs for the use of resources."

"Basically, my homeworld is one big commons, where no one stewards the planet," said Zan-Tor.

"Our once mighty silicon forests have been melted for data disks, the Plains of Ror no longer yield harvests of large-thumbed smartmice, and the scenic mercury lakes have all been drained to make bubbly party drinks," he said.

Zan-Tor went on to say that all he has seen indicates human eco-warriors will adapt well to conserve the biosphere of Xerkon VI. "Xerkon VI offers humans food pellets, air to breathe, and your pick of spacious barracks. All we ask is that you labor 20 of your hours per planetary rotation, breed regularly, and continue to produce reality TV programs."

Zan-Tor called reports of slave workforces laboring in unsafe conditions nothing more than rumors started by disgruntled lifeforms. He said chains stopped being part of guest-worker uniforms over a century ago. "Why use chains when we have television?" he said.

"We have confidence in you and hope you will accept our offer. I mean, what are the odds humans will fail to save two planets. In a row."

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