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Autumn 2015

1 Josh Duggar rehab
4 Tucker Carlson calls for Language Police
11 Cheney- Imagine Iran with a solar bomb if nuke deal enacted
17 Asterisks in Bill Of Rights
29 Megachurches gearing up to provide government services during a shutdown

10 Carson late for rally
17 Man Refuses to Register Drone
19 Trump swears he's an environmentalist

   "Where's the


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October 19, 2015
Trump swears he's an environmentalist

"I'll save at least one of everything"

Donald Trump is issuing assurances that he cares about the environment, despite saying in an interview over the weekend that if elected president he would eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency, because the EPA's regulations "destroy business."

"I'm an environmentalist, I'll be very good on the environment, it's something we'll be looking at," Trump said today during a sit-down on Wake Up, Cedar Rapids on WCDR Channel 2 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Trump said endangered species are of special interest to him, "because rare things are very valuable."

"That's why as president I'll save at least one of everything, because the last one of something will be worth a lot to wealthy collectors," said Trump.

"If we sell a lot of last-of-their-kind things, it would pay for tax cuts for the rich," he added.

Trump went on to say that while he would act to endanger species at the federal level, he would prefer to let states take the lead. "If each state saves one of everything within its borders, it would be 50 times better than if I did it by myself -- although let me stress that I could afford to do it by myself, because I am that rich," Trump said.

Ted Cruz was quick to praise his fellow presidential hopeful. "He has the head of an environmentalist! That's a reforestation project if I've ever seen one," the Texas senator told the New Hampshire Union Leader.

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October 17, 2015
Man Refuses to Register Drone

"It's a gun"

A North Carolina man is speaking out against a new federal plan to require owners of drone aircraft to register the machines with the Department of Transportation.

M.F. Nutt, 56, of Westmost, said today he won't comply with the regulation because, he claims, it is unconstitutional. "My drone is covered under the Second Amendment because I've mounted a gun on it, it's a gun," said Nutt.

Nutt said the drone, a Model OU812 by the Acme Corporation, was a birthday present from his wife, Shirley A. Nutt. Attaching a gun -- an Ingram MAC-10 (a tenth anniversary gift) with a radio-controlled trigger attachment -- was his own idea.

"I'm a duck hunter, and it struck me that air-to-duck combat is the next logical step in civilian use of drones," he said.

"Also, there's a mosque about a mile away from our house, I've heard they've got an entire Caliphate drone airwing flying nighttime sorties out of there. It just makes sense for my drone to have the capability to defend the neighborhood," Nutt said.

Lawyers for the National Drone Rifle Association, a nascent gun rights group "advocating for the right of responsible gun owners to project their right to bear arms up to a radius of 5 miles," say they will defend Nutt should the government take him to court.

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October 10, 2015
Carson late for rally

Stopped by police 6 times for minor infractions

Republican presidential hopeful Ben Carson was late for a campaign appearance in Iowa today, after he was pulled over by police six times on the way from his hotel to an auditorium in Cedar Rapids.

Reporters traveling with the Carson campaign say the chartered bus the retired neurosurgeon was driving was pulled over by uniformed police six times during what became a 2 mile, 96 minute trip. Officers gave Carson a different reason each time, including:

• driving too fast,
• driving too slow,
• possible equipment violation (cracked windshield),
• broken tail light,
• obscured license plate,
• Carson matched the general description of a suspect wanted in a convenience store robbery.

No citations were issued, and Carson was allowed to continue on his way each time.

For his part, Carson was not upset at the inconveniences. "I have nothing to hide," said the GOP co-frontrunner.

"Let's face it, I'm black and I was driving -- that sounds like sufficient grounds to me. The police have a very dangerous job, and I'm fully supportive of everything they do," Carson said.

Carson's campaign also released a new 30 second ad Saturday, titled 'Ben Carson: A Calm & Non-Threatening Candidate.' It uses dashcam video from one of the traffic stops, showing Carson sitting on a curb with his hands handcuffed behind him.

"It was for the officers' protection, it's common knowledge I'm crazy," said Carson.

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September 29, 2015
Megachurches gearing up to provide government services during a shutdown

Leaders of America's biggest megachurches are planning to step up in a big way in the event of a federal government shutdown this week.

Pastor Marv Cristel, 43, of the Mars Veneris Political Action Church of Phoenix, Arizona, is part of a national steering committee of church leaders planning for churches and faith-based organizations to take over the functions of federal agencies, in the event Congress fails to pass a continuing resolution to keep the government running.

"We've been saying for decades that the private sector and Christian charity can do a better job than government, but this time I think we're finally going to make it happen," said Cristel.

The steering committee has been quietly holding discussions in the past month as a government shutdown appeared to grow more likely. "The main activity was in deciding which ministries to put in charge of the various federal cabinet departments," Cristel said.

He said most government functions have religious counterparts. As examples Cristel said Regents University Law School would step in at the Justice Department, homeschooling group Advanced Training Institute would operate the Department of Education, a team of five faith healers will hand out bootstraps at the Health and Human Services, and the Defense Department will be run by the Salvation Army.

If there has been difficulty in planning the shutdown takeover, it has been in sorting through all the religious leaders who are clamoring to help. "There are so many televangelists offering to run the Treasury, Internal Revenue Service, and SEC," Cristel said.

The fly in the ointment would be a funding bill. "John Boehner's resignation as Speaker made a shutdown less likely, if you believe the mainstream pundits," said Cristel.

"But I'm praying against a last second miracle," he said.

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September 17, 2015
Huckabee-funded researcher finds asterisks in Bill Of Rights

Antiquities experts said today that they have found previously unknown footnotes to the Bill Of Rights. If verified the discovery raises fundamental questions about American democracy, say astounded Constitutional scholars.

"What we have discovered are notes in James Madison's handwriting on one of the original handwritten copies," said Dr. Richard 'Ricoh' Xerox PhD, leader of the research team which examined the document.

"The notes were long thought to be merely parchment fibers and vaguely word-shaped. But after enhancement with a special Instagram filter I've created, it is obvious they are handwriting," said Xerox.

The notes reference newly discovered asterisks in the ten amendments. "Those idiots at the National Archives have always claimed they were squashed fruit flies attracted by Madison's claret. But they are asterisks," Xerox explained.

"For example, the First Amendment now reads 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech,*1a or of the press;*1b'."

"This means religion is never to be restricted, but speech is modified by the note 'with the exception for protecting the National Security,' explained Xerox. Note 1b reads 'save if the Congreff or Prefident think it prudent.'

Among the many notes:

• Third Amendment (no quartering troops in homes)- *3a) except to thank them for their service.
• Fourth Amendment (warrants for searches & seizures)- *4b) except if there is a ticking-bomb situation.
• Fifth Amendment (double jeopardy and self incrimination)- *5c) unless the Accused is as guilty as a bishop.
• Sixth Amendment (trial by impartial jury)- *6c) white jury, assisted by the concerned Press
• Seventh Amendment (lawsuits for over $20)- *7a) not to be adjusted for the Inflation.
• Eighth Amendment (cruel and unusual punishment)- *8b) but who can say.
• Ninth Amendment (unenumerated rights)- *9a) unless there is sincere personal objection (see Religion).

"We found no asterisks in the Second and Tenth Amendments, so guns and states' rights are unaffected," Xerox said.

A Constitutional scholar who was able to review an advance copy of Xerox's findings, but wished to remain anonymous, was astounded. "I never would have thought Madison was such a neanderthal," she said.

Dr. Xerox's research team, based at Westmost State University in Westmost, North Carolina, is funded by a grant from the Mike Huckabee campaign. The GOP hopeful's September 10 statement that Dred Scott is "still the law of the land" was in part based on Xerox's examination of Supreme Court decisions.

Xerox said his next project, funded by a grant from the Trump campaign, involves proving President Obama was not born in the US because Hawaii is still an independent kingdom.

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September 11, 2015
Cheney: Imagine Iran with a solar bomb if nuke deal enacted

Former Vice President Dick Cheney commemorated the anniversary of 9/11 today, with a warning of danger should the Obama administration's deal with Iran on its nuclear program go forward.

"If Iran gives up its nuclear research, there is a very real possibility they will just move on to another kind of weapons research under the guise of cleaner energy," Cheney said in a wide ranging interview on the Fox News program Craven Journalism.

"The most dangerous kind of clean energy, of course, has been and remains, the sun," Cheney told anchor Fawn Craven.

Cheney explained how the sun is a kind of thermonuclear reactor. "Its byproducts, these solar precursors, come from the sky and are therefore impossible for us to control. Iran could obtain them simply through the use of solar panels. And lifting sanctions will hand the Ayatollahs the money to do it."

"Once they have the precursors, they'll claim to be using them to power their TVs and washing machines, sure. But my sources in British Intelligence say Iran will just use that energy in a bomb. A deadly solar bomb."

Cheney said he was right about Iraq, and right now about Iran. "We have to be on our guard. Anyone with solar panels on their home, or someone with a small solar panel appearing to charge their smartphone, could really be an Iranian-funded terrorist or Quds force operative."

The big danger, said Cheney, is waiting until it's too late, saying, "we don't want the smoking gun to come in the form of a ray of sunshine."

He said decades of strategic air pollution created a base global smog layer, which could have hindered Iranian solar collection. "But Obama's EPA, together with the internationalist Agenda 21 environmental terror movement, has been removing the protective smog."

"Now, more than ever, we must stop the war against coal, and get back to pumping sun-blocking coal-smoke into the atmosphere, to stop Iran's solar bomb ambitions and save our ally Israel," Cheney said.

In Jerusalem, Israeli PM Binyon Netanoptometry welcomed Cheney's comments, saying, "My favorite gentile makes a lot of sense, I guess."

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September 4, 2015
Tucker Carlson calls for Language Police

Saying multilingualism leads to civil strife, Fox News personality Tucker Carlson today proposed a law enforcement solution: a national police force that would make sure that only English is used in public.

The conservative pundit said today on the channel's Fox & Friends that English-only makes sense because, he said, countries with more than one language "tend to be at war with themselves."

Carlson believes this is true even in industrially advanced nations: "Appeasing French speakers is why Canada is like a war zone."

"I think multilingualism can even be blamed for the unrest we're seeing today in cities right here in America -- a case can be made that Ebonics is a de facto foreign language. Maybe that's the root of the problem," he said

Fox & Friends cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck agreed with Carlson, saying, "I've often thought African Americans are, like, speaking another language."

"We need a corps of aggressive, heavily armed language police to keep America united," Carlson went on to say.

Anyone caught will have the Dictionary thrown at them, he said.

However Carlson stressed that he did not think language police powers should be unlimited.

"We have to respect individual liberty. For instance, making a word plural by adding apostrophe-S would be totally legal, as would using 'literally' when what you mean is 'figuratively'," said Carlson.

"Under my idea, 'busing' versus 'bussing' will remain a matter of individual choice -- although actual busing for purposes of desegregation should not be allowed," he said.

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September 1, 2015
Josh Duggar rehab

Forced to watch porn until sick of it

Former pro-family activist and reality TV star Josh Duggar is in good spirits and making progress, officials of the rehabilitation center Duggar entered last week said today.

Duggar, 27, checked himself into the Tesla Center For Aversive Behavioral Reconditioning in Los Angeles on August 26, hoping to overcome what was described as an addiction to pornography.

"Josh is doing well on what we hope will be a long and productive course of treatment," said Tesla Center spokesman Tom Edison. Edison said a battery of tests were conducted, but declined to discuss specifics of Duggar's case out of respect for his privacy, as well as an exclusivity arrangement with In Touch Weekly.

"I can say only that Josh is being shocked. Into understanding the severity of his addiction. But he has been grounded. In his attitude toward working to regain his health and happiness," Edison said.

Dr. Alessandro Volta MD, UL is in charge of treating the former 19 Kids And Counting star. He described for reporters the approach used at the Tesla Center.

"We here at the Center believe the amount of hardcore pornography a person can watch is zero-sum. Therefore, what we do is find an addict's porn max-out point," said Volta.

"And we do that by forcing Josh -- them, to watch porn 24/7, Clockwork Orange-style, until they get sick of it and can't watch any more," he said.

Volta said the Tesla Center is ideally situated to provide patients with a curative dosage of adult entertainment.

"Our facility's location in the San Fernando Valley means we get all the latest videos before the other treatment centers, and we can also include live performances into treatment plans," he said.

Volta added that many of the leading performers in the adult film industry have admitting privileges at Tesla.

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