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Summer 2015

24 Christie removes Confederate flag
28 Tom Cotton writes open letter to gays

3 Fox News to follow black teen girls in bikinis to monitor police race relations
8 Q2 productivity declines on religious objections to gay marriage
13 George W. Bush bestows 2016 GOP candidate nicknames
20 Scott Walker - Scoutmasters can be whatever they want as long as they're not being it in a union
27 RNC in talks with Google to create driverless clown car

1 Bill would create blanket waiver for acts committed for religious reasons
7 Next GOP debate will be a Bible Knowledge Bowl
10 How to talk to your kids about Rick Perry & White-Out
13 Serbians offer to send peacekeepers to Ferguson
17 Huckabee backs "exception for the love-life of the man"
22 'Jeb Bush' is a stock photo creation
24 Scott Walker would replace 14th Amendment

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August 24, 2015
Scott Walker would replace 14th Amendment with quadrennial Patriotism Tests

Scott Walker moved to boost his bid for the Republican nomination for president today, calling for an end to birthright citizenship for all Americans.

"We can't discriminate by ending birthright citizenship only for some. But given how the country has changed, the American people need to have confidence that everyone calling themselves American be able to prove it," said Walker.

The Wisconsin governor said he would repeal the 14th Amendment, replacing citizenship with a Walker Paper, a sort of national ID card.

"A certification test would have to be passed on a variety of patriotic topics in order to maintain citizenship and get your Walker Papers," he said. Topics would include Confederate flag facts, Caucasian history and Pat Boone's back catalog, among others.

Recertification would be required every four years.

The rights to vote and be out past curfew would require passing an additional test, "like a motorcycle endorsement," said Walker.

Far from adding to the federal bureaucracy, Walker said he would put the states in charge of implementing Walker Papers.

"Citizenship testing is functionally similar to getting and renewing a driving license, so I would expect states would bundle them. It shouldn't add more than a few hours to a typical visit to the DMV -- for those with nothing to hide," he said.

Walker denied his proposal could lead to mass deportations. "Under no circumstances would loss of citizenship privileges lead to expulsion.

"All such people would still have an important role in our country. My plans for them will be outlined in a forthcoming white paper, Creating A New Plantation Economy," he said.

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August 22, 2015
Revealed: 'Jeb Bush' is a stock photo creation

A mistake in a photograph in a campaign mailer has forced Jeb Bush's campaign to make an earth shattering admission: their candidate -- as portrayed -- doesn't really exist.


"It's true, sadly. We made the public Jeb by piecing together parts of several stock photo and catalog models, and actors," Bush campaign manager Victor 'Frank' Enstein said about the mailer, which showed Bush's head digitally attached to an African American body. One melanin-rich hand can be clearly seen.

Enstein said the real Jeb Bush hasn't left his Coral Gables home since leaving the Florida Governor's office at the beginning of 2007. "Jeb became a shut-in, surviving on Domino's pizzas, Mountain Dew and Entenmann's. As you'd expect from such a caloric load, he ballooned," said Enstein.

"By mid-2010 he was over 500 pounds and couldn't leave the house. Yet Jeb Bush continued to dream about being the next Bush leader America has been crying out for," he said.

But how can a shut-in campaign to become leader of the free world?

It was after Barack Obama's 2012 reelection that a solution to Jeb Bush's dilemma presented itself: a member of Bush's inner circle purchased a new PC preloaded with Photoshop.

Since then, there has been two public Jeb Bushes. In photographs, Jeb Bush's head is placed on the torso of a Land's End shirt model, the right and left hands of stock photo models, and the lower body of adult film performer Lexington Steele.

Public appearances are made by Bush's son, George P. Bush, wearing aging makeup. "We keep him moving so the crowds can't get a clear look at him," Enstein said.

While sorry for the deception, Enstein hopes it serves to open a discussion about how being sedentary is no longer a disqualification for the presidency. "After you elect a president, don't you want him at the big desk? Well let me tell you, once Jeb Bush gets behind that desk it literally won't be possible to dislodge him until the job is done, possibly not even then," he said.

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August 17, 2015
Huckabee backs "exception for the love-life of the man"

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee elaborated today on his views concerning reproduction, saying condoms should not be used except to prevent disease.

"Condoms are a way for sinners to pretend they're being responsible, when actually they bear responsibility for preventing creation of life," said Huckabee.

"Preventing life is god's job," he said.

The former Arkansas governor's anti-condom stance does have an exception, however -- "Men should be able to use condoms so they don't catch diseases."

"Call it an exception for the love-life of the father," Huckabee said.

Huckabee's comments were in response to criticism of comments he made last weekend on CNN's State Of The Union, in which he said a 10 year old rape victim should have her rapists's baby.

Huckabee explained that in that light, restricting condoms is a matter of sensitivity toward women.

"Feminazis are always accusing men of insensitivity, of the need to be sensitive toward women. Well, going bareback will let a man feel everything when he's with a woman," he said.

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August 13, 2015
Serbians offer to send peacekeepers to Ferguson

"Because, jeez you guys."

Civil unrest in response to the killing of an African-American teenager by police first brought Ferguson, Missouri, to the world's attention a year ago. Now one European nation has decided to do something other than watch.

"It would be great if you would allow us to station peacekeepers in your city," said Prime Minister Aleksandar Vucic of Serbia, in a conference call Wednesday with Ferguson Interim City Manager Strom Thurmond, who declined to comment.

The motivation for Serbia's offer is, "Because, jeez you guys," said Vucic, through an interpreter.

"We kind of hold the modern European patent on ethnic-cleansing, but even we can't believe what we're seeing on the BBC about Ferguson," he said.

Vucic explained, "At least we're trying to work things out with the Bosnians and Croatians, and it only took us a couple decades to get here, post-Tito."

"Whereas, instead of working to end your 150 years of race-based repression, y'all have out of control police and the Oath Keepers -- a group that looks reeeeally familiar to anyone in our part of Europe."

"Therefore, we're willing to send a contingent of guardsmen to Ferguson, to place themselves between civilians, police and the militia faction," Vucic offered.

"All we want to do is give you knuckleheads some breathing space to work things out. So what do you say?" Vucic asked.

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August 10, 2015
How to talk to your kids about Rick Perry & White-Out

American parents engaged in a national conversation about Rick Perry over the weekend, following controversial remarks made by the Republican presidential hopeful.

The former Texas governor sparked questions after the lower-tier GOP candidates debate last Thursday when, in response to a question about President Barack Obama's executive orders, Perry said he would "take a bottle of White-Out" to those orders.

"I wonder if Governor Perry at all appreciates the harm he does children with such loose talk about White-Out," said Paula Carroway-Sieg, a stay at home survey taker from Nashua, New Hampshire.

"When they heard what Perry said, my kids started asking 'Mommy, what's White-Out?' and 'Why doesn't the man like Control-X?' It's confusing for them," said Carroway-Sieg.

"I tried to explain how we used to use White-Out, and my littlest, Ava, said that Perry must be stupid, because whiting things out would make it impossible to use the iPad," she said.

Samuel Marriott of Des Moines, Iowa, said he had to reassure his 6 year old daughter, Paris, that White-Out can be used by people of all races. "She was really upset that this was some sort of white privilege thing. Damn that Rick Perry," Marriott said.

Conservative author, activist and actor Ben Stein advised parents to be open and honest with their children about Rick Perry. "Like White-Out, I haven't been big for 20 years, so I think my insights on this subject have great relevance," said Stein, the star of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Win Ben Stein's Money, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

"Children need to know that sure, Rick Perry is a big doofus who wants to control the nuclear button, but he was only using a metaphor, which is pretty good for a guy who has the long term memory of a 5 year old. Hopefully all that will help America's kids sleep at night," Stein said.

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August 7, 2015
Fox announces format of the next GOP debate will be a Bible Knowledge Bowl

Fox News had announced the next Republican debate will use a gameshow format, and focus on Bible knowledge and trivia, a host for for the channel said today.

"We got such positive feedback on our questions in last night debate about God and religion, we've decided to go all-in," said Fawn Craven, who anchors Craven Journalism at 2pm Sundays on Fox News.

Craven said the 'Bible knowledge bowl' will be groundbreaking in that former preacher Mike Huckabee, who is a candidate, will also be the program's host and quizmaster.

"Mike Huckabee's expected dual role may be unprecedented in the realm of politics, but in sports it's what's called a player/coach," Craven said.

An official with the Huckabee camp said the former Arkansas governor is already hard at work, writing an opening monologue with Bruce Vilanch and practicing with blue notecards.

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August 1, 2015
Bill would create blanket waiver for acts committed for religious reasons

A bill introduced in the Indiana legislature could provide peace of mind for people with deep moral convictions, the legislation's sponsor said today.

The proposed law, the Preemptive Religious Integrity for Christian Kindred Act (PRICK Act), is authored by State Sen. Cameron Blowmey (R-51). If rubberstamped by Governor Mike Pence, the PRICK Act would give a waiver to any person or business for any verbal or physical action undertaken for sincere religious reasons.

Blowmey said his bill is in response to the arrest Thursday of Yishai Schlissel, an ultra-orthodox Israeli who allegedly used a knife to attack marchers in a Jerusalem gay pride parade, injuring six.

While emphasizing he in no way endorses violence against the LGBT community, Blowmey did note that the Old Testament speaks of death to blasphemers, stonings, and an eye for an eye. "I mean come on! The poor guy -- he was only standing up for his deeply held religious beliefs -- which are protected under the First Amendment, because being an Israeli is practically American," said Blowmey.

"What if Schlissel had chosen to make his stand here in Indiana, in one of our faith-based pizzerias? I can see liberals in New York and San Francisco making a big deal about it, so I want to make sure god-fearing Americans in similar circumstances get a pass," Blowmey said.

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July 27, 2015
RNC in talks with Google to create driverless clown car

The 2016 model year Republican Clown Car is still wending its way across America, yet work has already started on taking your megapastor's favorite vehicle into the driverless era.

GOP chairman Reince Priebus recently told Motor Trend that he has opened discussions with Google to replace the party's Clown Car with the tech giant's driverless podcar.

"A larger pool of presidential candidates is the new trend, there's a good chance candidacies are going to be declared every week for the next year, and 2020 will be the same," said Priebus.

As a result, the existing Clown Car will become so crowded it will soon be impossible for whoever's driving to steer. "From a safety standpoint, driverless is the way to go," he said.

Priebus also said the Google pod car would stay the size it is now. "It's the perfect size for all the Republican candidates, plus their baggage. They have to be wedged in like sardines, otherwise it wouldn't be clownish," Priebus said.

If Google and the GOP come to terms, it would mark a seminal event -- Republican acceptance of science.

"It seems conclusive that it is now possible to make the Clown Car's driverlessness literal, rather than metaphorical as in the past, and I think we have to accept that," Priebus said. He said he would sell computerized steering to the GOP base by labeling it 'faith-based driving.'

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July 20, 2015
Scott Walker - Scoutmasters can be whatever they want as long as they're not being it in a union

Gov. Scott Walker's views on the decision by the Boy Scouts to allow gay scoutleaders evolved yet again yesterday. "We have bigger things to worry about than whether a Scoutmaster is gay. For instance, is he a member of organized labor," said the GOP presidential hopeful, during a Sunday appearance on CNN's "We'll Have To Leave It There."

"In my view, a troop leader can be whatever he wants, as long as he's not being it in a labor union," said Walker, himself a former nonunion Eagle Scout.

"It will always be Adam and Eve or Steve, not Adam and Jimmy Hoffa," he said.

Walker said he doesn't know whether joining a union is a choice, saying, "I don't know, I'm not an economist."

"What I do know is, Scouts are better served if their troop leaders are nonunion -- not to teach intolerance, but to learn them the value of enjoying the benefits of collective bargaining without having to pay for them," Walker said.

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July 13, 2015
George W. Bush bestows 2016 GOP candidate nicknames

(Houston) The 2016 presidential campaign got a lot more real today, as former President George W. Bush announced the nicknames he has created for the Republican Party's candidates for the White House.

The event was held in the 'Sitchuashun Room' exhibit at the George W. Bush Presidential Liberry & Museum in Houston. The 43rd president stepped to the lectern and delivered the highly anticipated list:

  • Dr. Ben Carson, a renowned neurosurgeon: 'Sweetbreads'
  • Former Gov. Mike Huckabee - 'Smuckers'
  • Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry: 'Two Outta Three'
  • Sen. Ted Cruz - 'Mountie'
  • Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina - 'Task Manager'
  • Former New York Gov. George Pataki - 'Pattycakes'
  • Former Sen. Rick Santorum - 'Astroglide'
  • Sen. Marco Rubio - 'Rubio Tuesday'
  • Sen. Rand Paul - 'Fishsticks'
  • Gov. Bobby Jindal - 'Jindaloo'
  • Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker - 'Milwauker'
  • New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie - 'Chrissy'
  • Sen. Lindsey Graham - 'Lindsey'
  • Business Mogul Donald Trump - 'Toupac'

Bush gave his little brother, occasional frontrunner Jeb Bush, the name 'Mama's Boy.'

The nicknaming tradition dates back to 2008, when Bush nicknamed John McCain and Sarah Palin 'Old Guy' and '30 Rock,' respectively.

In 2012, Mitt Romney was 'Morman.'

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July 8, 2015
Q2 productivity declines on religious objections to gay marriage

The nation's economic output fell by three tenths of a percent in the just concluded financial quarter, as more and more American workers, and even whole businesses, refused to perform some functions due to religious objections to same sex marriage.

"This whole 'it's against my religion' thing is having a negative impact on the economy," said Ron Sisyphus of the American Enterprise Institute.

"All those times people or business refuse on religious grounds to bake a cake, arrange bouquets of flowers, make a pizza, or perform a wedding, they add up like Bittorrent. Which we economists used to call the ripple effect," Sisyphus explained.

Sisyphus worries that continued religious objection will start affecting the budgets in southern states, as well as the 'New South' of Idaho, Wisconsin and Indiana. "Less work means less income and less spending, leading to lower income tax collections and sales tax revenues," he said.

A Protest Sector?

The Republican Governors Conference has a plan to make lemonade from religious objection -- creating an entire economic sector devoted to conservative protest.

"A vibrant conservative protest sector would be a boon to states struggling under Obamanomics," said RGC spokesman Adolph H. Duggar.

Duggar said state tourism bureaus should work to attract out of state activists to hold protests at liberal churches, county courthouses, and rental wedding venues like hotel banquet rooms and botanical gardens.

"Anti-gay protesters would spend money on food, lodging, bail, and signmaking supplies, potentially injecting millions into local economies," Duggar predicted.

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July 3, 2015
Fox News to follow black teen girls in bikinis to monitor police race relations

The Fox News Channel announced today it is initiating a new reporting focus on relations between police departments and the African-American community.

Hugh Henfer, Vice President of Fox News's Spring Break Division, said the new emphasis is being taken in response to the incident last month in McKinney, Texas, in which cellphone video recorded a police officer forcing a teenage girl to the ground and then sitting on her. She was wearing a bikini.

"Police tackling black teen girls who are wearing bikinis is a growing problem, and we think our viewers need to know when it happens," said Henfer.

Under the plan, Fox will assign camera crews to follow bikini-clad African-American girls of all teen ages, whether in middle school, high school or college, in case they are tackled by police officers.

Henfer said such far-reaching coverage is necessary, and in line with Fox's 'Fair & Balanced' motto.

"We need to uncover the facts concerning bikinis of all types. There might be a statistical correlation between race and if the girl is wearing a halter top, for example, or a thong. We need data, to inform public policy," Henfer said.

Not everyone at Fox is pleased with the new focus. Howard Kurtz, the network's media analyst, said concentrating solely on black teenage girls could be perceived as racist. "To be fair and balanced, we should be following bikini-clad teenage girls of all races," Kurtz said.

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June 28, 2015
Tom Cotton writes open letter to gays

Senator Tom Cotton took up his pen again this weekend, writing a letter to the American LGBT community in which he downplayed the significance of last Friday's Supreme Court decision legalizing same sex marriage in all 50 states.

"Y'all don't understand how our system of marriage works," the Texas Republican wrote in the letter, posted to his Tumblr.

"Don't count on the court's decision being there for very long, because it ain't got no permanence -- it is an agreement only with this Supreme Court, until deaths of the oldest justices do you part," said Cotton.

The freshman senator likened legalization of gay marriage to the 18th Amendment enacting Prohibition, "but was repealed after only 13 years by the 21st Amendment. The lesson being that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him stop drinking."

Cotton predicted that Republicans would work with a future Supreme Court to rescind the gay marriage decision, "just like how we worked with it to gut Obamacare, which maybe isn't a good example, but you know what I mean," Cotton said.

Gay marriage would be one more item on the GOP's list of things to be overturned, which in addition to the Affordable Care Act includes civil rights, voting rights, fair housing, income taxes, the New Deal, Lend-Lease, the Treaty Of Ghent, and Emancipation.

In a related story, former Arkansas Governor and 2016 presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that, if he is elected, he will establish a gay-marriage-free zone.

"Since gay marriage is now legal in the 50 states, it should be possible to create a community with no gay marriage in a place that is American, but not a state," said Huckabee. He said leading contenders are Puerto Rico, the US naval base at Guantanamo Bay, and parts of Second Life.

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June 24, 2015
Christie removes Confederate flag

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie weighed in on the national debate over flying the Confederate flag today, arguing that removing it won't abolish racism.

The irascible Garden State leader praised his South Carolina colleague, fellow Republican Nikki Haley, for taking steps to remove the "divisive" Confederate flag from her state's capitol grounds. But Christie said, "I doubt it will do anything to change attitudes" of people like the accused shooter in the killing of nine black churchgoers in Charleston last week.

To prove his point Christie, who has yet to officially declare a 2016 presidential bid, invited the media to the New Jersey State House in Trenton for what he called "a messaging experiment."

At the top of the building's golden cupola, Christie -- clad in a gray Confederate general's uniform -- posed with a 6 by 8 foot 'stars and bars' rebel flag, while reporters took pictures and video.

"New Jersey is no more racist, I am no more racist or unsympathetic, toward African Americans with this flag flying over New Jersey," Christie declared, as he hauled on the rope to hoist the Confederate banner.

After a 75 minute break for lunch, Christie lowered the flag as media recorded more photos and video. "There. I hope this demonstrates that removing a piece of cloth doesn't alter deeply held beliefs like racism. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to cut education funding and pick the site for a new prison," Christie said.

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