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Dec 2013

2 Fixes to Bush's WealthCare.gov nearly ready after 12 years
6 News Roundup
10 Santa launches nuclear sleighcraft carrier
13 New karaoke filibuster bar is a hit
20 Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem PA draws Tea Party challenger

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Happy Holiday, Everyone!
We're on our customary year-end break
See you in 2014.

December 20, 2013
Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem PA draws Tea Party challenger

Infighting between the Republican Party mainstream and the Tea Party intensified further today, as a Tea Party leader and GOP member of the Pennsylvania legislature announced a primary challenge to US Sen. Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem, PA.

"Jesus H. Christ had a good run, but he is out of step with the GOP and the working people of the Keystone State," State Rep. Earl Grey of Wilkes Barre told a campaign kickoff press conference.

"Christ seems more interested in helping the takers who want government to give them free food, housing and health care. What about tax cuts for job creators?" said Grey.

Grey called the incumbent too liberal, "always talking about miracles instead of the importance of hard work and self reliance. Jesus H. Christ is as liberal as the new Pope," Grey said.

Joining Grey at the kickoff event were a dozen fracking industry workers involved in oil and gas exploration in Pennsylvania. "When I get to Washington, I'm going to make sure we cut unnecessary EPA regulations, so we can frack Pennsylvania to within an inch of its life," Grey declared.

The campaign, leading up to the May 20 Republican primary, is shaping up to be both expensive and heated. Grey's campaign treasurer has announced a $240 million donation from a Koch Industries-backed anti-Christ issues group.

And the first TV attack ad on behalf of Grey began airing almost immediately on Philadelphia and Pittsburgh stations.

In the 30-second spot featuring still photos of a bearded and swarthy Christ with his mostly male entourage, a narrator states, "Senator Jesus H. Christ claims he cares about you. But he once said he wants to 'suffer the little children to come unto me'. Suffer? And come unto him to do what? Jesus H. Christ. Wrong on values. Wrong for Pennsylvania's families."

Grey said he decided to launch his campaign when Christ crossed the aisle to support the Volcker Rule, and work with Democratic Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) on new banking regulations.

"I found his actions shameful. Jesus H. Christ hasn't said one word about abortion or gays, but here he is trying to regulate moneychangers. Well banks help people get the money they need to do their Christmas shopping. It's like Jesus H. Christ doesn't understand the reason for the season," said Grey.

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December 13, 2013
New karaoke filibuster bar is a hit

Club review

by Sarah Palin
DC nightlife correspondent

December means one thing -- Christmas, and second is that dark winter nights have descended on the nation's capital dontcha know, along with the Republican Party's loss of the ability to filibuster Barack Hussein Obama's nominations, so it is very good news that a new nightspot opened last night where true patriots can get together in Washington, DC for a little fun, and it's called Mr. Smith's, a new club that combines karaoke with the filibuster, and it all adds up to a good time.

Such as the whole concept of Mr. Smith as dreamed up by co-owners Ted Cruz and Mike Lee, those gods of endless talkin' you may remember from their Obamacare-inspired filibuster earlier this year, you know it was on the minds of first-nighters who crowded into the former Elephant & Castle pub on 19th Street NW and who enjoyed Cruz do the first number of the evening, a 74-minute reading of the Tea Party favorite "Green Eggs and Ham," and so, too, did Mike Lee impress everyone with a hip-hop medley of the Salt Lake City white pages, Land's End catalogs, and the Tenth Amendment.

"We needed a place where Senators and special interest groups could get together and enjoy a good long filibuster, and I think this perfect for anyone who has excellent bladder control," Cruz told me while interns swept up Mr. Smith's after its successful first night, explaining why, like the Senate filibuster used to, Mr. Smith's doesn't allow for potty breaks.

But the entertainment isn't the only reason to visit Mr. Smith's, also does the fun extend to the food and drink menus, where you can find actual green eggs and ham and, to honor Cruz's homelands, longneck beer and Labatt's, and also as well a Mormon-friendly menu chosen by Lee, featuring longneck water.

So head on down to Mr. Smith's tonight, it's a great way to observe the first anniversary of the Newtown massacre.

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December 10, 2013
Santa launches nuclear sleighcraft carrier

The diplomatic community is reacting with some alarm today following the North Pole's surprise launch of its first nuclear-powered sleighcraft carrier.

Analysts say the NPS Candy Cane is 1200 feet long, 250 feet tall, and has a top speed of over 30 knots. Nuclear propulsion means it can operate away from its Christmastown homeport for long periods of time. It will carry an air wing of S-25 'Misfit Toy' 50,000 reindeerpower supersonic multi-mission sleighs, and a detachment of Elf Marines.

The launch comes amid rising tensions over the pole. Several major powers and Canada have recently stated intentions to assert sovereignty in the region, as rivals plan to use the increasingly unfrozen waters for shipping and military purposes.

And later this month Microsoft and Google are aiming to track Santa and post his movements on the Internet.

Canada has stated it intends to assert ownership over the North Pole, a policy North Pole defense minister Chuck Silverbuckle called highly provocative.

Silverbuckle said the NPS Candy Cane will protect the Polar nation, whose national attention is turning increasingly to the ocean in an era of polar melt due to global warming.

"Fewer and fewer people down south believe in Santa Claus' sovereignty. Well maybe they'll believe in his new 120,000 ton warship," said Silverbuckle.

While the Candy Cane's primary mission will be projecting Santa's delivery power around the world every year on the night of December 24, Silverbuckle said the rest of the time the carrier group will provide security for the North Pole's new amphibious manufacturing plants. "After the pack ice melts from under the new factories, they'll form an archipelago with a population of over 5 million elves and guest workers," he said.

"The Candy Cane will strengthen Santa's defense posture and protect his people from an increasing number of outside threats, mainly from Canada," Silverbuckle said.

US Secretary of State John F. Kerry urged calm. In Johannesburg, Kerry said he is hoping for a chance to meet with Santa, First Lady Angelina Claus and other heads of state after today's funeral for former South African president Nelson Mandela.

"The North Pole is America's second closest ally after Israel, and a major trading partner. I am optimistic our mutual distaste for Canada can be the basis for strong, friendly relations between our nations," said Kerry.

"I also want to ask him for a new Roomba, those things are so cool," Kerry said, adding, "I promise I've been nice."

Silverbuckle said he welcomed Kerry's initiative, "but Santa trusts but verifies on the whole naughty-nice issue."

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December 6, 2013
News Roundup

Spec monologue jokes

There you are. So here's some of what happened this week.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren came under attack by the think tank Third Way. Odd name -- there's already waaaay more than three ways for corporations to influence politics.

Warren was the subject of speculation she'll make a run for President in 2016, but she came out and said she won't do that, because she loves her job. Quote, "To quit part way through my first term I'd have to be a Palin."

Rob Ford is back in the news. This time the crack-smoking mayor says he loves the name of the Washington Redskins. Congratulations to the NFL on building that international fan base.

Amazon.com announced it is working on a plan to use drone aircraft to deliver stuff to your home. In Afghanistan.

Scientists say they have successfully recovered 400,000 year old DNA from the casts of the sitcoms on TV Land.

Shave and a haircut, two Bitcoins.

The next government shutdown is going to be over how much rent Obama paid his uncle.

Hobby Lobby was at the Supreme Court because it doesn't want to pay for employees' contraceptives -- and Clarence Thomas finally said something! He did. He said everyone knows you can make a contraceptive using an aspirin, and a can of Coke that has a pubic hair on it.

Following the death yesterday at 95 of global hero Nelson Mandela, Rick Santorum said the fight against Obamacare is like the fight against apartheid. Yes, it would be -- if John Boehner was to spend the next few decades in prison. Or maybe Santorum is volunteering?

And finally, Republican leaders today chose the 'Creepy Uncle Sam' animated character to represent them at Nelson Mandela's funeral.

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December 2, 2013
Fixes to Bush's WealthCare.gov nearly ready after 12 years

Long awaited repairs to a problem-plagued government internet portal are nearly complete, the official in charge of the repairs said today.

Tuesday marks the twelfth anniversary of the launch of the portal, WealthCare.gov, the centerpiece of former President George W. Bush's signature wealth care law -- commonly known as the Bush tax cuts.

"Every American has the right to thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars in tax cuts, no matter their income," promised Bush in 2001 at the rollout of WealthCare.gov. Bush said the new "internets site" would be "as easy as Friendster" to access massive tax cuts and other services.

But WealthCare.gov failed to live up to the hype, experiencing multiple technical glitches from day one and has continued not to work for most taxpayers who have tried to use it.

Mario Lopez, the lone Treasury Department official working on fixing the site, said the site has worked well for 3% of Americans who have been able to enroll and get billions in tax cuts, while the remaining 97% of taxpayers have never been able to log in.

Lopez, once an assistant undersecretary at Treasury, has been toiling singlehandedly since 2003 at recoding and testing the site. During 2005-2007 he even went back to school and earned a degree in software engineering. Now at last Lopez says the fixes are nearly complete.

"WealthCare.gov will successfully go live Tuesday or I'll kill myself," said Lopez.

Lopez said he expects all features will work, with taxpayers finally being able to create an account, shop for a tax shelter, and purchase a member of Congress.

Some corporate persons will even qualify for subsidies.

Participation will not be compulsory, in accordance with Bush's promise that "anyone who likes their tax bracket can keep it."

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