- This Month +

1 Cure for foreign oil addiction
18 Couple misses Seafair for 12th year in row
21 US, Poland reach accord
25 Mike Gravel is back
26 Hillary backers denounce Hillary
27 Convention planning praised
28 Democrats make history, nominate Obama
29 McCain dismisses Obama
29 McCain picks gay icon as Veep

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"Karen Walker can hold her liquor"

Saying America needs a vice president who exemplifies the best America has to offer, presumptive GOP presidential nominee John Sidney McCain III announced today his choice of running mate: Karen Walker of New York.

The announcement completes the Republican ticket just as it prepares to open its national convention in Minneapolis on Monday.

McCain introduced his running mate during an appearance at the Nutter Center in Dayton, Ohio. "I proudly accept this nomination on behalf of my biggest fans -- my gay posse, my pharmacists, and my husband Stan, who couldn't be with us today because this stage has a weight limit," Walker said.

Republican strategist and FOX News commentator Karl Rove quickly hailed the selection of Walker, whom Rove called "an astute compromise choice, possessing the skills of others on McCain's short list, while none of the negatives."

An unbelievably wealthy Manhattan business woman and philanthropist, Walker has better hair than Mitt Romney, the other candidate with economic credentials. Yet Walker also has a bigger rack than ex-senator Fred Thompson, whom backers said would attract voters due to his high profile as an actor.

Walker also beat out Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, who ended his candidacy after Super Tuesday. Many of Christ's policies are out of step with the Republican base, whereas Walker is well-known for her charity work, but is also a slumlord.

Most of all, Walker is eminently qualified in the area of foreign policy. "Not only does Karen Walker have a fabulous rack, but her ability to be functional despite a consistent 0.08% blood alcohol level, as well as a physiological tolerance for prescription drugs, means she can hold her liquor," McCain said.

"Karen Walker will be able to drink America's enemies under the negotiation table," declared McCain.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-Il and Osama Bin Laden -- watch out!

Photos: New York's Karen Walker--

Walker accepts. McCain can't resist that rack, and hopes voters won't be able to either. Official campaign photo Campaign slogan created especially for Walker.

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Convention had "too much rhythm for average Americans"

Seeking to downplay the importance of the Democratic convention and its nomination of Barack Obama as the first African American to head a major party ticket, Republican John Sidney McCain III today issued an appeal to voters who are not comfortable with a party he said is out of step with most of America.

"Obama and the Democrat Party don't look like most of America," McCain said.

But McCain denied he was making a race-based attack. "I'm not playing the race card, I'm saying the Democrats have too much rhythm for average Americans. Democrats are out of step because Americans can't get in step."

McCain charged that "more than a third" of Democratic delegates in Denver could clap along with the beat of the many popular songs played at the convention.

Many songs were heard, including "Sisters are doing for themselves," "Isn't she lovely," "September," and of course, "Disco Inferno." There were also live performances by Dave Matthews, Stevie Wonder, Sheryl Crow, and even country western group Sugarland.

McCain scoffed at the amount of music featured by Democrats. "My friends, that's not the America I know. That's not the kind of easy listening music we can believe in," said McCain.

"My America is an America that goes to bed early, and doesn't want to be woken up at 10 pm by you damn kids and your infernal rock and roll racket," he said.

McCain has eschewed music in his campaign. He has frequently told the story of how the only music he heard while a POW in North Vietnam was what Hanoi Hannah played during morning drive time.

McCain went on to charge that Democrats are in the pocket of Hollywood, home of the recording industry as well as the movie business which, McCain said, "has put music in movies since the advent of the talkies."

"Hollywood charges nine bucks for a movie ticket. Do you want to pay that much for a gallon of gas? That's what an Obama presidency would mean. Make no mistake: Obama and Hollywood will raise your gas prices."

McCain also said Americans shouldn't trust what he called "the musical party" to keep America safe.

"Modern music contains dangerous Middle Eastern influences. My staff tells me that songs such as Depeche Mode's "Everything Counts" sounds Arab. Sting wore a kaffiyeh on the inner sleeve of The Police album Zenyatta Mondatta." McCain went on to say that 'Zenyatta Mondatta' is Arabic for "death to all infidels."

In related news, Barack Obama singlehandedly defeated the Denver Broncos 41-10 at Invesco Field. He is now the favorite in the race for the AFC West crown.

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McCain accuses history of inaccuracy, bias

The Democratic Party made history yesterday, making Senator Barack Obama the United States' first mixed-race person to be nominated for president by a major party.

"Barack Obama is ready to be president... and Barack Obama is on the right side of history," former president Bill Clinton said Wednesday evening, as he addressed the Democrats' convention at Denver's Pepsi Center.

Obama had been nominated by acclamation earlier in the afternoon.

Upon hearing of the history-making event, Obama's rival John Sidney McCain III attacked history, citing history's mixed record of accuracy.

"How can the Democrat Party put so much stock in history, when historians can't even agree on the historical record?" asked the presumptive Republican nominee, in remarks to the regular Wednesday afternoon checkers game at Grant Park in Phoenix.

McCain noted that some creation scientists question the extent of history, saying it only goes back 5,000 years. History also vexed him as a midshipman at the Naval Academy, McCain added. "History was always my worst subject, because there were too many events and dates to remember," he said.

"Heck, I lived through most of it -- why should I have to remember it?"

The Arizona senator also accused history of bias, calling it too willing to record America's faults. "My friends, when I am president, I pledge to conduct a thorough review of history and revise what needs to be corrected," McCain said.

In other Democratic convention news, Obama's running mate Sen. Joe Biden addressed the delegates and told them the Republican Party is morally bankrupt. "They can't escape from it, because I helped make it harder to file for bankruptcy of any kind," Biden declared.

In yet more Democratic convention news, Bill Clinton disclosed to the convention that he's a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman.

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Possible threat to Obama confined to Violent Freaks Zone

Democratic National Convention organizers have been singled out for praise due to the event's excellent logistics so far. Journalists and VIPs report they have been well taken care of, their technology, food and lodging needs all met.

Shadowy members of racist fringe groups are also praising convention planners. "We were afraid we'd be shunted off to some fleabag motel 50 miles from the Pepsi Center," said Tharin Gartrell, 28, leader of a ragtag group of gun-toting meth heads said to have ties to the white supremacist movement.

"Instead, we were assigned to a nice hotel where all the reporters were staying, with cable TV, room service and everything," said Gartrell.

"We couldn't have asked for a nicer place to sit around in a meth haze and allegedly speculate about killing Barack Obama," he said.

Democratic Party convention committee chair Donna Frandle said she and her team worked very hard to anticipate the needs of convention goers.

"We tried to think of everything, from the number of free rental bicycles to the height of the cyclone fence around the Free Speech Zone," Frandle said.

Even law enforcement officials say the Democrats have made their job easier.

"The best innovation as far as crowd control goes has been the Violent Freaks Zone," said Captain Harold Dobey.

"The zone is located right next to my command post, which is convenient for any violent freaks attending the convention," said Dobey.

"It's also handy for me and my officers. Monday night I checked the sign-in sheet and saw 'Tharin Gartrell plus 3', and now they are assisting us in our inquiries," Dobey said.

In other convention news, commentators for the major TV networks agree the biggest problem with the Democratic Convention is that it's not Republican enough.

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Will promote Clinton's cause without her

Fireworks erupted yesterday between Hillary Rodham Clinton and her pledged delegates to the Democratic National Convention in Denver. The delegates denounced their preferred candidate's pro-Obama statements on the convention's first day, accusing Clinton of betraying herself.

Democratic leaders concerned about party unity were relieved when Clinton, the second-place finisher in the delegate count, strongly attacked Republican nominee John Sidney McCain III over a new TV ad. The ad claimed Obama chose Delaware senator Joe Biden as his running mate because he is threatened by Clinton.

"I'm Hillary Clinton, and I do not approve that message," she told the New York delegation, adding, "we are united," in response to what she called attempts by Republicans to divide Democrats.

Clinton's delegates quickly expressed anger at Clinton's defense of Obama.

"If Hillary Clinton thinks we're united, she'd better think again," said Clinton delegate spokesperson Bella Abzug Jr. of New York.

"We're not letting Hillary stand in her own way, how dare she surrender now when the nomination is in her grasp," Abzug said.

Agreeing with Abzug was another die-hard Clinton delegate, Sammi Davis Jr. of Nevada. "If she's not with us, she's against us. So I'm supporting Hillary for President, and if she doesn't like it she can bite my keister," said Davis.

Clinton delegates seemed to be in agreement that even without Hillary Clinton behind them they would continue her presidential campaign without her. Supporters plan to enter Clinton's name into nomination on Wednesday.

"We're going to make the convention hold ballot after ballot until Hillary wins, we don't care if it takes a month," Davis declared.

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Now 'Gavel', maverick set to open Dem convention

Democratic Convention organizers, under strict orders from the Obama campaign to ensure party unity, have succeeded in bringing a prodigal candidate back into the fold. In a move laden with symbolism, it was revealed Sunday the maverick former Alaska senator Mike Gravel will perform the coveted duty of officially calling the Denver convention to order.

Party officials last night confirmed Gravel will server as the huge wooden mallet that is the traditional device for opening the convention and drawing attention to the dais. Gravel has changed his name to 'Gavel' for the week.

"After Mike bolted the party to run as a Libertarian, we realized he possesses the dense, hardwood qualities you want in a heavy, blunt noisemaker like a ceremonial gavel," said Donna Frandle, chair of the DNC convention committee.

"And speaking as a chair, may I say that I know quality wood when I see it," Frandle added.

Lone Gravel delegate Salvador Dali of Pribilof Islands, Alaska, is excited about his candidate's special role. "When people think Mike Gravel, they already think big thudding sound," Dali said. "This is like icing on the cake."

Gravel's staff said the former senator, who attracted 0.14% of the New Hampshire primary vote, has immersed himself into preparing for his new role and was unavailable for comment.

"You wouldn't get anything even if you you did get to interview him," said Gravel aide Skip Stone.

"I mean, he's really method acting on this one," he said. Stone posted a new video to YouTube in which Gravel stares into the camera for two minutes, while bearing a remarkable resemblance to a piece of lathed and varnished wood, as though carved out of a tree from the farm of William Jennings Bryan.

In other convention news, delegates pledged to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton will hold an organizing meeting today in Denver. The meeting will take place at the Cherry Creek 8 Cinemas during a 2pm matinee of Sex And The City.

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Missile basing the idea of Miss Teen SC

Miss South Carolina Teen USA contestant Lauren Caitlin Upton has parlayed her fame and knowledge of geography into a personal campaign to make the world a better place.

Upton, 19, says she realized her calling lay in the area of personal diplomacy after her appearance on the nationally televised scholarship pageant. "It was like my brain was overflowing with facts and figures," recalls Upton.

"Especially on global geography questions."

Contacting the Bush Administration, the lithe blonde said White House personnel maven Monica Goodling connected her with a job shadowing gig in the State Department. Upton spent several months there working on strategic defense and Axis of Evil issues. She impressed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, a fellow shoe lover, who put Upton to work on missile defense.

Upton's work culminated in the new missile defense pact with Warsaw announced this week. "A defense against Iran and North Korea has to be based in Poland, that much is obvious," she said yesterday.

Upton's interests also include presidential politics. In recent months she has quietly been supplying advice to presumptive Republican nominee John Sidney McCain III. Her insights have been the basis of McCain's policy statements regarding Czechoslovakia and Iraq-Pakistan border issues.

Upton is also trying to interest McCain in the need for a free trade agreement with Antarctica.

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Regrets "unavoidable" 2 weeks in France

A Seattle couple addressed questions about their two week absence from the city today, a period that included the Emerald City's mandatory-attendance Seafair hydroplane races, held August 2-3.

It was the twelfth consecutive year they had missed the citywide festival of sunburns, booze, and 'thunderboats' due to scheduling conflicts.

The families and social circle of Lawrence Greenwood, 39, and Miranda Phinney, 34, have been awash with controversy since the couple disclosed they would be in France the entire first half of August.

"I was aghast when they told me," said Lincoln D. Park, a Phinney colleague. "Jeopardizing their chances of achieving their Mike's Hard Lemonade consumption quota for the year is one thing, but missing the hydros again? Where's their civic pride?"

"I can't tell you how sad we were when we realized we were goin to miss the Seafair hydroplane races again," said an apologetic Greenwood, a computer icon artist for a Redmond software company.

"Believe me, when we were climbing to the top of Mont St. Michel, tasting fine wine in Beaune, and strolling through Monet's garden in Giverny, we were just kicking ourselves over missing the majesty of the Blue Angels yet again," Greenwood said.

"But the whole vacation was unavoidable because, you know, our tickets were nonrefundable," he said.

Phinney, a costume designer for the Minimalist Theater Collective of The Mind, echoed her partner's sentiments. "My biggest regret was missing out on the raceday rituals," she claimed.

"Tying up at the log boom in my brother's boat and sleeping onboard overnight, sharing the bathroom with 20 other people, the sunburn, and the harrassment from drunks in other boats who keep yelling at me to take my top off. I felt so much guilt, at dinner in Caen one evening I almost thought about not finishing my seafood cassoulet," Phinney said.

Greenwood promised the controversy would not be repeated. "We probably won't tell anybody the next time we plan a vacation," he said.

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'Methadoleum' is U.S.-made

The White House declared victory over addiction to foreign oil today, announcing that a team of federal scientists have developed Methadoleum, a synthetic oil substitute.

Sources close to the Bush administration called the achievement "furtherest proof Bush is not coasting to the contusion of his term."

Transferring oil dependency to a domestic replacement will be better for American motorists who want help for their foreign oil addiction, said White House press secretary Dana Perino. Perino told reporters that Methadoleum is the invention of researchers based at the Department of Energy, NASA, the Food and Drug Administration and National Institutes of Health.

Health officials were involved "because President Bush brilliantly decidered that oil addiction mirrors physical addiction," said Perino.

Perino further explained that Methadoleum-based fuel would be distributed through approved U.S.-owned gas stations at an initial price of $4.30 per gallon. "The distribution system will be created and managed by a qualified contractor such as, oh, I don't know, Halliburton, for example," Perino said.

In a brief statement to the Schwinn dealership in Owings Mills, Maryland, President Bush singled out the members of the research team for praise. "Doctors Sanjiv Sidhur and Le Van Nguyen of DOE, and Norbu Takahashi of NASA made this breakthrough, shortly before their H1 visas expired. So unfortunately they are unable to be with us today to receive the thanks of a grateful nation," Bush said.

Implementation of a national Methadoleum distribution plan is already under way. Vice President Cheney, en route to Houston to open negotiations with potential distribution contractor Halliburton, said the company has proposed a way to ration the supply of Methadoleum, which will be limited at first. "They want to have people pick up Methadoleum at a network of oil addiction clinics, which would require drivers to make an appointment to fill up their cars," said Cheney.

Asked how Methadoleum can catch on if the price is the same as regular gasoline, Cheney said the transition would be aided by introductory marketing.

"The first tank's free, addicts will love it," Cheney said.

Presumptive Republican nominee for president John McCain sought to distance himself from Bush's Methadoleum initiative. In announcing his opposition, McCain said "any alternative fuel should be based on beer," he told his wife Cindy.

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There are 2 comments

CT

August 20, 2008 - 00:16

Subject: Couple misses Seafair for 12th year in row

Your arrogance is not becoming. Move to France.

Reply to CT

Editor

August 20, 2008 - 00:49

Subject: Re: Couple misses Seafair for 12th year in row

See a doctor for your humor deficiency. Move to Earth.

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