Undergoing fashion un-makeover

Vowing he will not resign, Senator Larry Craig began the fight for his political life today, hiring an image consultant to help him counter negative publicity surrounding his June arrest and guilty plea in an airport restroom sex sting.

In a press conference on Tuesday, Craig declared "I am not gay, I never have been gay."

"I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport," said the Idaho Republican. "It is true that I did not wash my hands before leaving, but that was only because I was manacled. I mean handcuffed," Craig said.

On Wednesday, Craig signaled he intends to withdraw his guilty plea.

This morning, with rumors of his resignation swirling, Craig appeared in public wearing a green shirt, pleated plaid slacks, a brown belt, and black shoes with white socks. His new look is part of a fashion un-makeover meant to cultivate his not-gay credentials among the Republican base.

The strategy is the brainchild of Francis F. "Fifi" Frandle, a Republican image consultant. Commenting by cellphone as he accompanied Craig on a series of TV and radio appearances, Frandle said there is a lot to do to repair the lawmaker's reputation.

Sen. Craig After un-fabulous arrest, the rebuilding begins

"Larry's arrest was so not fabulous," said Frandle. "The key to events such as this is to act fast to control the damage, they call me in to stop the bleeding. You might call me the GOP's special little tourniquet," he laughed.

With Craig's 2008 reelection campaign approaching, Frandle's objective is simple, he said. "When Idahoans look at Larry Craig, we want them to think, Gee, he sure doesn't look gay."

Frandle said the most effective way to do this is to "butch him up. I want Larry to start zhushing his hair with 3-in-1 oil."

On Thursday, Frandle took Craig on a shopping spree, beginning with $5,000 worth of Carhartt.

Then they stopped at a hardware store for flannel shirts. "Lumberjack couture is tricky," Frandle explained. "It's usually OK for a man, but risky for a woman. I'd never dress Ann Coulter in Pendleton."

The shopping trip concluded with a run to a northern Virginia mall for Thom McAn shoes and accessories from Penney's.

Frandle said he has several more weeks of intensive work before he deems Craig's image fully rehabilitated. "It's going to be a long time before I get to take a rest, but I'm looking forward to the challenge," he said. "Right now I feel as pooped as if I've just been in a live version of Flashdance."

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Upton spared internship at Rand McNally

Saying that she had already paid a high price for her mistake, President Bush today pardoned Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton for her mangled answer about geography in the Miss Teen USA pageant.

The presidential pardon means Upton, 18, 5'9", blonde with hazel eyes, will be spared from having to perform a court-ordered internship at the Rand McNally Corporation, as well as appearing in a public service announcement for the National Geographic Society.

Upton Will major in Ursula Andress Studies at Appalachian State University

"She will now be free to continue to work toward her life goal of a career in art and design," the president wrote in a brief statement accompanying the pardon. "Whether that might include mapmaking is a choice that should be left up to her."

In New Orleans for the second anniversary observance of hurricane Katrina, Bush called Upton a role model. "Lauren showed us all that there is always something new to learn," said Bush. He said that she had personally inspired him to locate New Orleans on a map.

Bush could have given Upton the Miss Teen USA title outright, but said he decided to respect the decision of the pageant judges in awarding the crown to Miss Teen Colorado Hilary Carol Cruz.

"If Ms. Cruz spelled her name with two L's, maybe I would have decided different," Bush said.

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Replacing Michael Vick as Commissioner of National Dogfighting Association

Alberto Gonzales announced today he his resigning as Attorney General, bringing an end to a controversy-filled tenure that was interrupted by bouts of amnesia. The first sadist and Richie Valens look-alike to hold the job, Gonzales will step down on Sept. 17.

President Bush reluctantly accepted the resignation, calling his longtime friend and mouthpiece "a man of integrity, decency and principle." Bush thanked his audience, and reminded them to tip their waitresses. "I always enjoy working the big room," said Bush.

Gonzales said he is leaving the Department of Justice to become Commissioner of the National Dogfighting Association. He will be replacing Michael Vick, who is leaving the NDA to spend more time making license plates.

"Professional dogfighting is a sport that has lately been receiving a lot of attention," said Gonzales. "It's a time-honored pastime, now positioned for a period of unprecedented growth — why, with luck in five years we could have franchises in 30 to 35 cities," he said. "It's going to be a big challenge, but I'm looking forward to being a part of it."

Gonzales said he is aware of significant public opinion in opposition to the sport. But he said dogfighting is very misunderstood and not inherently cruel. The league's rules, he said, rendered quaint society's old standards of humane treatment.

"People who aren't familiar with the NDA see the snarling dogs fighting with each other, and the fangs. The temptation is to focus just on the blood and cries of pain, and the knee-jerk reaction is to say ‘oh, that's cruelty’," said Gonzales.

"But in actuality it's not cruel so long as there is no intention to inflict serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death."

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Group never intended to buy team

Aubrey McClendon, a minority owner of the Seattle Sonics as well as public relations genius, today told ESPN that the ownership group never intended to buy the Sonics basketball franchise from then-owner Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks Coffee.

"Why would we be interested in a sport where all the teams have identical styles of play, in a league that has few marquee matchups and lost all its major intercity rivalries of the past," McClendon asked rhetorically.

Instead, said McClendon, the group of Oklahoma City investors thought Schultz was selling them Starbucks.

"We thought it was a pretty good deal, a multi-billion dollar worldwide retail phenomenon for only $350 million," said a rueful McClendon.

McClendon said the group, led by majority investor Clay Bennett, had fully intended to acquire Starbucks and move the company headquarters to Oklahoma City. Seattle's traffic and expensive real estate market would be blamed for the relocation.

"Plus, Oklahoma City could do with the caffeine," he said.

McClendon said the Sonics owners are rethinking their business plan, and are instead studying the grocery business. Buying the Pike Place Market and moving it to Barstow, California, is a strong possibility, McClendon said.

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Hager pressured by Card, Gonzales

The Senate Judiciary Committee today heard testimony that Henry Hager was pressured into proposing marriage to Jenna Bush, daughter of President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush. Hager, 29, is a former aide to departing Bush Administration figure Karl Rove. This morning's hearing was the latest sidebar in the wider congressional investigation into the Justice Department of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

The committee heard only one witness, Hager housemate and friend Jason Frandle, who testified under a grant of limited immunity. Frandle told the committee he was present two weekends ago when Gonzales and former White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card visited their home unexpectedly.

Under questioning by Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY), Frandle said they spent the entire 20 minute visit coercing Hager into popping the question to Ms. Bush, 25.

Both Democratic and Republican members listened to as though mesmerized to Frandle as he described how he and Hager had returned home Saturday night, of August 11, after visiting a sports bar and watching a Washington Nationals game.

"The Nationals lost one-nothing to Arizona, and the evening just got worse when we got back to the house," said Frandle. "We walked in the front door, and when we turned on the lights Card and Gonzales were there, sitting on the living room sofa."

"They had broken in while you were out, and were in the dark waiting for you?" asked Schumer.

"Yeah. Really kind of freaky," replied Frandle, "especially considering what they had with them."

"And what did they have?" Schumer inquired.

"Mr. Card had a car battery, and the attorney general had jumper cables," answered Frandle. "They said they had come to offer Henry their best wishes. When he asked them about what, they said ‘your engagement to Jenna Bush.’

"This really surprised Henry. He told them that he and Jenna aren't engaged, they're just going out. They just smiled and slapped Henry on the back, and Mr. Card said ‘oh, that's just a matter of time,’ and that the president is very keen on welcoming him to the family.

"That's what they said," Schumer asked, "the president wanted to welcome Mr. Hager to the family?"

"To the best of my recollection, Mr. Card said the president wanted him to take Jenna off his hands," Frandle replied. "Henry again said, ‘we're just dating,’ and then the Attorney General moved close to Henry and said, in a very menacing way, ‘VERY KEEN on welcoming you, that's what the president said’."

Frandle then said that Gonzales touched the jumper cables together and made sparks, and cackled.

"He cackled?" asked Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA), the committee's ranking member.

"Maniacally," Frandle replied.

Frandle said that Card and Gonzales next showed Hager a board they had set up over the Jacuzzi. "They asked Henry how long he can hold his breath," said Frandle. He testified that Hager then spoke privately with Card and Gonzales out of earshot, and the two members of the Bush inner circle left shortly thereafter.

Gonzales and Card "did not acknowledge me," Frandle testified. "They turned and walked from the room."

"I thought I just witnessed an effort to take advantage of a very scared man," Frandle told the senators.

Judiciary Chairman Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said he found the testimony troubling.

"It cannot be just a coincidence that Hager proposed to Jenna Bush the Wednesday following these events," Leahy said.

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USA Network show "follows al-Qaeda template"

President Bush today blamed al-Qaeda for one of this year's biggest bombs. U.S. intelligence sources says the Osama Bin Laden-led terror network is behind Burn Notice, the USA Network light drama/action series. A low-rated midseason replacement, the show stars Jeffrey Donovan as Michael Westen, a spy stranded in Miami who is trying to find out why he has been disavowed by the CIA.

"There is no doubt the terrorists are responsible for Burn Notice," President Bush said in an address to the All Collectibles Show, yesterday at the Orlando, Florida, Fashion Square Mall.

"I don't buy Jeffrey Donovan as a male lead," Bush said, pounding on the lectern. "Imagine Ben Affleck with big ears and buck teeth. That's Jeffrey Donovan," he said, adding that he found the show's use of freeze frames accompanied by narration "confoosing."

"Personally, the new season of Heroes can't come soon enough," Bush said.

Later aboard Air Force One, spokesperson Dana Perino echoed the president's statement for journalists. "Burn Notice definitely follows the al-Qaeda template. The thin dialogue, cartoonish villains and predictable stories add up to entertainment terrorism -- no surprise, coming from liberal Hollywood," said Perino. "Why does USA, of all networks, hate the USA?"

Bush also issued orders that places Donovan on the FBI's ten most wanted list, and instructs the Department of Homeland Security to detain and deport Gabrielle Anwar, a British national who plays Westen's on-again, off-again girlfriend Fiona with an on-again, off-again Irish accent.

In separate actions today, the State Department charged Sharon Gless' portrayal of Donovan's mother is a violation of the Geneva Conventions, and the National Endowment for the Arts rescinded co-star Bruce Campbell's status as a National Treasure.

In other security news, President Bush has received a Daily Briefing titled "Aladdin determined to strike U.S. with flying carpets," and ordered the Federal Communications Commission to investigate the decision to end Battlestar Galactica after the coming season.

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GSA will bill Rove for damage to antique chair

The resignation of presidential adviser Karl Rove has left a hole at the White House. Stephanie Frandle, an antiquarian with the General Services Administration, said today that the rotund evil genius had damaged the cane seat of a Federal era desk chair dating to the presidency of James Madison. The chair, assigned to Rove's office for his use, was valued at $25,000. Rove will be billed for the cost of repair. "We told the White House the chair had a 300 pound weight limit, but hey — it's Rove, he pretty much does what he wants," Frandle said.

Economy dipped in 2nd quarter

A new Department of Commerce report says the U.S. economy cooled in the second quarter. Miranda Ramsey, an analyst with the Iverson Group, said GDP was impacted by the number of Bush Administration officials who have left to spend more time with their families. Ramsey expects a rebound in the third quarter — "Thank god for recess appointments," she said.

Bush to depoliticize federal programs - starts with FEMA, Hurricane Center

Saying he regrets partisan tension created by the political strategies of departing advisor Karl Rove, President Bush today pledged to begin a new era of coöperation with Congress. In brief remarks in the White House Rose Garden, Bush said he intends to begin by reforming the delivery of vital federal services and programs. "These programs are perceived as being politicized," said Bush. "I have chosen disaster relief to be the first opportunity to show Americans that this administration can still get the job done," he said.

Bush said he is ordering FEMA to redouble its preparedness for the summer-fall Atlantic hurricane season, with special attention to high-risk states Iowa and New Hampshire. At the White House's direction, the National Hurricane Center has settled on the names used to designate this year's hurricanes. The list includes Edwards, Hillary, Dennis, Barack and Rodham.

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Clay Bennett to be Secretary of Predetermined Outcomes

Saying he wants goal-oriented people in his government, President Bush today nominated Clay Bennett, owner of the NBA Seattle Sonics, to the newly created position of Secretary of Predetermined Outcomes. Bennett will take on from White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten many of the responsibilities of driving the administration's domestic and foreign policy agenda, while Bolten shifts his attention to evading congressional subpoenas.

"Clay's been doing a heckuva job," Bush said at a press conference introducing Bennett to the Washington press corps. "He is negotiating with the city government about keeping the Sonics in Seattle, yet he has never let that distract him from the predetermined outcome of moving the team to Oklahoma City."

"Clay has forced the city to negotiate in good faith, even though the worst kept secret in Seattle is that the Sonics are outta there. That's respect. That's the power to force adversaries to come to the table, and it's what I want helping me with the war on terror, the economy, and that other thing," Bush said.

Bennett is optimistic Newest cabinet member hopes Congress will go for the extended service contract

Bennett said he looks forward to working with Congressional leaders on a wide range of legislation. "I think last weekend's compromise on updating of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act shows how efficiently government can operate when Congress caves in to the White House. I like to think we've entered another new era of bipartisanship," Bennett said.

Bennett said that after his rubber stamp confirmation hearing, he expects to jump into negotiations on education policy. "I'm sure Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid agree with the goal of keeping the president's No Child Left Behind program exactly as it is," Bennett said.

On Iraq, Bennett anticipates Congress will agree to maintain the troop surge and a long term U.S. presence, as well as in Afghanistan.

Bennett also said he welcomes the investigations into the firings of nine U.S. attorneys. "The sooner we resolve it, the sooner we can realize the president's vision of politicization of federal prosecutions," Bennett said.

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"Make trash, not extinct," urges Bush

Deluged by requests from Americans that something be done to protect the polar bear, the Bush administration has drawn up a plan to create new arctic habitat out of trash. Under the plan, U.S. trash would be used to make platforms to replace the bears' polar ice habitat, which is melting due to global warming.

A public-private partnership between the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service and Barone Sanitation of New Jersey, the plan calls for shipping as much as 50,000 tons of garbage per year to a staging area at Point Barrow, Alaska. Shipments would be sent up the Al-Can Highway in a fleet of old diesel trucks.

Once at Barrow, the trucks will dump their cargo into the Arctic Ocean. Workers will then lash the flotsam together using plastic sixpack yokes, creating islands of trash that will mimic pack ice.

President Bush announced the $20 billion plan as "a victory for those who believe the way to save the polar bear lies in doing business with shadowy figures with reputed mob ties."

Unfair advantage Bush says polar bears deserve equal opportunities at trash

"I call on all Americans to do their part to save these magnificent creatures, by shopping more than ever and throwing things away, instead of recycling," Bush said, adding: "Make trash, not extinct."

The president said polar bears have been unfairly disadvantaged, because their natual environment does not have garbage cans and dumpsters, "like the Yellowstone bears do, such as Yogi."

"Equal garbage opportunity for white bears is the right thing to do," Bush said.

"This should dispel the misconception that this administration is anti-environment," White House press secretary Tony Slow told reporters later, as he twirled the ends of his enormous moustache and nonchalantly regarded his manicure.

The Interior Department will soon launch a public awareness campaign in support of the plan. A cartoon polar bear, nicknamed "Ice-B," will be featured. Ice-B will utter the catchphrase "Give a hoot, don't recycle."

The entire project is expected to be a boon to wildlife and the Alaska economy. "Plentiful food scraps in the trash will be found by foraging bears, seals, birds and indigenous peoples," said Dr. Allie Lachrymosa, a wildlife biologist with Regence University's Department of Things That Traveled on Noah's Ark.

Officials with the Commerce Department say Alaska should expect a new industry to develop around the extraction of cast-off consumer goods.

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"All nice and legal now," says Reid

Saying the American people wanted an end to illegal warrantless eavesdropping by the government, the Democratic-led Congress acted on Saturday to legalize warrantless eavesdropping by the government. The law, an update to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978, was signed Sunday by President Bush.

"The American people spoke loudly in the 2006 elections, and Congress has heard them loud and clear," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "They want the president and intelligence agencies to be accountable for following the law, so today we've passed a law the administration can obey."

"Everything is all nice and legal now," said Reid.

Other Democrats echoed Reid on the need to reform FISA, including Sen. Patty Murray of Washington. "I felt so strongly about this issue that I didn't even bother to vote on it," Murray said.

The new law will expire in six months, a key provision for Democratic leaders. "We want to be able to have a short term review to verify White House compliance," said Sen. Reid. "At that point, we'll look at the possibility of making warrantless eavesdropping even more legal," he said.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi moved to reassure privacy and civil liberties advocates that there will be adequate accountability. "Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will not be approving wiretaps on his own," said Pelosi. "Wiretap applications will also be reviewed by Paul Marcarelli (the Verizon 'can you hear me now' guy), and Judge Paula Abdul," Speaker Pelosi said.

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Liquid Paper, Sharpie implicated

Paper voting ballots are more susceptible to hacking than its electronic touchscreen voting machines, the Diebold company claimed today.

Reacting to new findings by the University of California that security of most electronic voting machines can easily be breached, Diebold hastily organized a demonstration for news media showing that the popular alternative, traditional paper ballots, are even more insecure.

Vince Alter, a voting systems marketer for Diebold, demonstrated with a paper ballot for a fictional contest between 'Bob Smith' and 'Joe Jones,' with the box for Smith already checked. In less than a minute, Alter changed the vote from Smith to Jones using only a bottle of Liquid Paper and a Sharpie.

"The scariest aspect of this outdated, paper-based technology is that you don't even need a computer, phone line or wireless connection to beat it," Alter said, extinguishing the lights in the room and illuminating his face from below with a flashlight.

Alter went on to say that anyone can easily destroy a paper ballot. He proved this by chewing and swallowing the Smith v. Jones ballot, washing it down with a Starbucks iced latte. "I'd like to see anyone try that with one of our Accuvote TSX machines," Alter said.

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2-3 Diebold says paper ballots "hackable"
6 Democrats hand Bush domestic spying defeat
8 Polar bear habitat from trash
10 Bush nominates Sonics owner to Cabinet
14 Karl Rove's departure leaves hole at White House
17 Bomb blamed on al-Qaeda
20 Senate hears testimony on Jenna Bush engagement
24 Sonics owner's bombshell disclosure
27 Gonzales resigns
29 Bush pardons Miss Teen South Carolina
31 Not-gay Craig begins comeback