ERITAS News Service
Formerly Mr_Blog's Left Turn
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Wiseline Institute and Center for the Secular Humorism
"truly a master" Blognonymous "Great writing" RatherThanWorking
"a perfect 10"
"[his] voice most likely carries all the tell-tale inflections of
a raving crack-pot." Ken Avidor
<This Month>
President Obama will use his first State of the Union address tonight to say
he has learned a great deal in the first year of his administration. An advance
outline of the speech reveals he will tell the American people and a joint session
of Congress that lessons learned from those failures will help shape failures
during his second year in office.
The theme will be 'if you are disappointed by the failure of health care reform,
you ain't seen nothing yet.'
The president is still fine tuning his remarks, but true to his reputation for
bipartisanship he is expected to include many Republican applause lines. The text is
said to currently include the sentence, 'our failures will get bigger and stupider,
each more maddeningly boneheaded than the one preceding it.'
Foreign policy
War on Terror
Economy and Trade
Discussion of domestic policy must include the issue that bedeviled the first 12 months
of Obama's administration: health care reform, which he is almost certain to relate to
the recently announced three-year non-defense spending freeze.
Obama is likely to sell the freeze as a way to guarantee there will be no way to
fund any public insurance solution. This pledge will be called 'insurance for
insurance companies.'
He will also call on Congress to allow banks to review and edit legislation on
banking regulation and investor protection. A proposal for federally-funded investor
protection helmets, with decals designed by Sasha and Malia, could be a big hit with
Republican skateboarders.
Stocks surged today in response to news that giants of the American banking,
manufacturing, health, insurance, agriculture and defense sectors have decided
to outsource the legislative branch to China, at a cost of 535 American jobs.
The decision is being blamed on the high cost of influencing legislation.
Leading observers say those costs are likely to spike following last week's
Supreme Court ruling removing limits on corporate political spending.
"Even under the old restrictions, influencing Congressional campaigns and
legislation already costs us over a billion dollars a year," said Lydia "Trey"
Martini-Lunche of the Commerce And Business Advocacy League.
"Now that corporate persons are allowed to spend even more on influence, we're
going to see upward pressure on prices as influence providers start charging
more, and charging for services that are now free -- like cash transfers and
drive-thru windows," said Martini-Lunche.
U.S. Chamber of Commerce president Edie T. Amin said legislation can be
influenced more efficiently and cheaply in China, while maintaining quality.
"There are little old ladies in Xinjiang province who can crank out deregulation
bills 18 hours a day, for only $300 a month," said Amin.
On a positive note, Amin believes most companies will keep a token legislative
presence in the U.S., with Senators Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson likely to staff a
B2B call center.
President Obama's new initiative to limit the size of corporations met
with stiff resistance from civil rights activists today, following the
Supreme Court's ruling that corporations are entitled to the same right
of expression as natural persons.
The ruling buoyed a group of corporate marriage activists marching in
front of the White House. Many held placards reading, "Freedom To Merge,"
"Adam & Eve and Comcast & NBC," and "Keep Your Laws Off My Org Chart."
Corporations who had gathered outside the high court cheered when the
5-4 decision was announced. "We're close to winning equal rights as people,
said Cerberus Capital. "Soon I'll be able to call my insatiable desire
to consume small companies something other than monopoly."
Cerberus said he and his partners hope to someday start a family and
adopt several Congressional oversight committees.
Pastor Jim Phelps, chaplain at the International Monetary Fund Wedding
Chapel, has long campaigned for the right for two or more corporations to
marry. Phelps hailed the court's decision as a good first step to full
rights for corporate persons. "There can no longer be a compelling interest
in government denying corporations in a loving relationship the legal
recognition of their monopoly, even if polygamous," he said.
However, the activists' cause received a cool reception at the White House.
Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the president will continue to oppose
any pro-corporate marriage laws in Congress. "President Obama intends to
devote as much effort into stopping corporate marriage as he has into leading
on health care reform," Gibbs said.
New senator pledges to pose nude for Congressional Record
Republican Scott Brown became the newest member of the U.S. Senate
last night, defeating Democrat Martha Coakley 52-47% in the close Massachusetts
race for the seat of the late Edward M. Kennedy.
Brown thanked an overflow of supporters at Boston's Park Plaza Hotel.
"You have helped this son of the Bay State get one step closer to my dream
of becoming the first nude centerfold in the Congressional Record," said Brown,
Cosmopolitan Magazine's Mr. June 1982.
Brown attributed his late surge to Levi Johnston, former future son-in-law
of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, and Jeff Gannon, former White House
correspondent for Talon News. "I am so grateful they were able to join me on the
campaign trail in the critical final days, as examples to show the people of
Massachusetts what the GOP has to offer."
"The three of us were a former male nude model dream team," he said.
The senator-elect said he looked forward to Senate orientation, and to
meeting and working with his new GOP colleagues -- "except for John Ensign,
who is to never be left alone with my wife and daughters," Brown said.
Coakley did not appear at her election night headquarters, instead
undergoing treatment for a broken finger. The injury occurred at about the
time Coakley pointed the finger at the White House, while complaining to
chief of staff Rahm Emanuel that the Obama administration waited too late
to start campaigning for her.
S.S. Hopeless will serve rich quake victims
More aid from the U.S. arrived in Haiti today as the insurance industry's
hospital ship S.S. Hopeless sailed into Port-Au-Prince harbor, on a mission
to bring much needed medical relief to rich survivors of the 7.0 earthquake
that struck the country January 12.
The Hopeless had steamed at top speed from the Bahamas, where it waited
for six days while Haiti's paperwork was being processed.
"We are here to bring the world's best health care system to the Haitian
elite," explained Julie McCoy, the Hopeless's cruise director.
"Medical care for poor quake victims is being provided by emergency public
options funded by the world's governments and nonprofits, so the industry role
is to offer a standard of care and service to Haitians willing to pay the
free-market price," McCoy said.
The Hopeless is a 32,000 ton Connecticut-registered vessel, recognized
around the world by the familiar green dollar sign painted on its side. It
carries 500 private rooms, a galley staffed by six cordon bleu chefs, 12
operating suites for elective surgery, 20 magnetic resonance imaging scanners,
a claims department, a Wal-Mart pharmacy, and an IMAX theater currently
showing Avatar.
The Hopeless is suspending many of its normal policies due to the urgent
nature of the Haiti situation. Plate tectonics won't be treated as a
preexisting condition, and patients will be able to add domestic servants
to their policies at a rate of 30% of full premium instead of 50%.
(Westmost, NC) Conservative media personalities were the big winners at
yesterday's Demons Choice Awards, the evil industry's annual gala held at
the Dukes of Hazzard Theater in downtown Westmost.
Talk show host Rush Limbaugh won three awards and television evangelist
and Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson took home four of the
coveted Demons Choice statuettes, the depleted uranium winged lizard with
fangs stained with real human blood.
Limbaugh's politicization of Haiti disaster relief brought him victories
in the categories of Satan's Favorite Handmaiden, Most Likely To Share
Hitler's Dorm Room In Hell, and "The Severed Ear" -- which goes to the past
year's highest-rated radio program in Hades.
While Limbaugh won because of his Haiti work, it was Robertson who took
repugnance to the next level by falsely blaming God for the Haiti earthquake
and deaths of thousands. The Virginia Beach, VA, televangelist won Favorite
Hound Of Hell, Most Admired Incubus, and the ceremony's most coveted award,
Spiked Phallus of The Year.
Robertson was also given a fourth honor, the Rev. Jim Jones Lifetime
Achievement Award.
Backstage after the ceremony, Robertson flashed a fanged smile for
photographers while cradling his radioactive statuettes. However,
Robertson's image failed to register in any of the photos.
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made her first regular appearance
as a member of the Fox News team last night, in a performance being
widely praised for her ability to point while making eye contact with
the camera.
The 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee delivered the network's
8 pm national weather forecast, showing off her new American Meteorogical
Society certification.
Palin said the eastern U.S. establishment should expect continued cold
temperatures, "because with a wave of his hand the Almighty is gonna
freeze all you elitists in carbonite."
"Sodomites in San Francisco will experience locusts, fire and brimstone,"
she continued. "While in the red states, expect flight delays in the event
of Rapture what with all the people flyin' up to meet Jesus."
"There'll be a lot of rain in Seattle, which you could see if it wasn't
covered by all these white swirly things," said Palin.
"Seattle's red on this map -- not because it's a red state, but because
they're socialists," she said.
Palin supporters no doubt had their fingers crossed as their hero
concluded her inaugural broadcast with a forecast for the Far East. She
rewarded their faith by correctly describing the difference between North
and South Korea. "North Korea is the one above the dotted line," she said.
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has signed a multi-year deal with
the Fox Kids network, the New York Times reported today.
Palin will host "Sara The Explorer," an animated public affairs program
for children age 5 to 10, and Tea Party activists age 18 to 65. The fast-paced
format will take viewers around the world, where the 2008 Republican vice
presidential candidate will show kids how the answer to pressing social and
political issues is always 'God and less government.' Each episode will be
20 seconds long.
"It's so wonderful to join the Fox family that is so fair and balanced,
and thank them also for this chance too to educate our children about things
such as the world is only 5,000 years old," Palin said in a written statement.
Fox spokesman Jack Hoff said "Sara The Explorer" fills a long unmet need
on television for conservative civics education for children. "Think of this
as 'Schoolhouse Rock' without the liberal bias," Hoff said.
Want to give him Steele's job
Controversy continued to swirl today around comments Senate Majority
Leader Harry Reid made during the 2008 campaign about then-Senator Barack
Obama, with some Republicans asking Reid to step down.
"This may sound hard to believe, but many people think Barack Obama is
a Muslim just because his middle name is Hussein," Reid is quoted as saying
in the book 'Game Change' by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, to be released
Tuesday. "I wouldn't be surprised if some people will refuse to believe he's
a U.S. citizen," Reid is also quoted as saying.
Today Republican leaders echoed chairman Michael Steele's demand that
Reid quit, with a growing number urging that Reid be hired to replace Steele.
"Harry Reid is our kind of guy, based on these comments," said former Sen.
Trent Lott.
"Reid isn't racist, he's a realist. Enough of a realist to recognize a
lot of the country is deeply divided on race -- that's the kind of political
know-how Republicans can use in the top job," said Lott, the former GOP Senate
leader best known for his remarks at the late Sen. Strom Thurmond's 100th
birthday party in 2002.
Echoing Lott was Dale Robertson, a founder of the influential Tea Party
movement. "Reid is someone who understands our party's base," said Robertson.
"Reid is a smart guy who can take us to a whole new level. He could tutor
us in English," he said.
TSA body scans to appear in "Public Screenings"
The White House announced the first stage of a new business diversification
plan today, launching the first-ever government owned monthly magazine.
"Public Screenings" will carry images of airline passengers taken by
Transportation Security Administration using the new millimeter-wave scanning
machines.
Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the TSA originally planned to release the
photos in the Federal Register, as a way to preempt the paperwork burden of
responding to inevitable Freedom of Information Act requests by Maxim, FHM
and Fox News.
However, the Office of Management and Budget reviewed the project and
immediately saw how a new magazine, when coupled with the public's insatiable
interest in seeing people naked, could result in a major new revenue source.
Gibbs cited how the tens of millions of people who fly every year would
quickly create a huge collection of body scans of people from all walks of
life -- including the rich and famous. "The sales of issues containing
Tiger Woods mistresses alone could pay for three years worth of the upcoming
military occupation of Yemen," Gibbs said, adding: "Whoopsie."
OMB projections see newsstand sales erasing the national debt by June.
However, the private sector publishing world denounced "Public Screenings"
as exploitation and an invasion of privacy, and called the idea of a
federally-published magazine socialistic.
"Americans don't want a bureaucrat standing between them and their paparazzi,
we already have the best private naked picture delivery system in the world,"
said Vernon H.W. Lechér, spokesman for the U.S. chapter of the British
Institute of Nude Observation Clubs United for Laws Against Robes
(B.I.N.O.C.U.L.A.R.), a free-market less privacy rights organization.
"This is a job killer. If Barack Obama has his way, instead of lurking in
bushes with telephoto lenses, thousands of independent photographic entrepreneurs
will be living under those bushes," Lechér said.
Instead, Government should cut regulations on independent photographic
entrepreneurs. "Imagine what the Globe or National Enquirer could do with those
TSA body scanners -- provided all local voyeur laws are canceled by executive
order," said Lechér.
"Honest people with curtains and nothing to hide should have no objections,"
he added.
In other news, Fox News commentator Brit Hume said yesterday that he meant no
offense to Buddhism when he advised prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to become a
Christian. "I was only saying that his kitchen floor would be cleaner and shinier
with new improved Christianity, over Buddhism or other kinds of witchcraft," Hume
told Fox's Bill O'Reilly.
Proselytizer Of The Year at Saddleback Church
Former Fox News anchor Brit Hume on Sunday urged prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to win
forgiveness by turning to Christianity, netting the veteran journalist 12 million
points and the overall victory in Saddleback Church's Proselytizer Of The Year
Salvation Challenge.
On Fox News Sunday, Hume told Woods he could gain redemption by rejecting Buddhism and
accepting Christ, and also take 5 strokes off his game.
The win earns Hume a pair of reserved orchestra-level seats at Saddleback with
flattering key lighting for one-year, as well as a parking space, an I Slurred a
Major World Religion and All I Got Was This Lousy Baptismal Robe baptismal robe,
and free coffee refills at the church samovar.
"Yeah! Jesus kicks Buddha's ass!" Hume exulted when told of his victory.
Hume did it with a strategy that relied on quantity over quality, says veteran
airport proselytizer Krishna Tim.
"The content of the witnessing was pretty standard, focusing on Christianity's
value in athletic contests," said Tim.
"What carried Hume to victory was that his message was seen not only by Woods,
but also by the 3 million people watching on TV and another 9 million who watched
the video later at MediaMatters.org," Tim said. The resulting 12 million
proselytizing points led to a wide margin of victory over the other competitors
from the Saddleback Sunday School program.
Reaction of Buddhists was predictably compassionate and understanding. But in
Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama begged to
differ with Hume's views.
"The practice of meditation offers greatly superior mental preparation for
golfers," said media relations officer Sogyal Nicklaus, who cited as proof the
victory of Michael O'Keefe over Ted Knight in the film Caddyshack.
Health reform makes plastic surgery "legitimate campaign expense"
The Republican Party has high hopes for its prospects in midterm congressional elections,
and they are crediting health care reform.
For even though no GOP senators voted for the measure that passed 60-39 on Christmas eve,
a little-noticed provision of the bill stands to put slates of fresh new Republican faces
on ballots this fall. "Thanks to health care reform, plastic surgery is now a legitimate
campaign expense," said Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California, chief deputy whip to minority
leader John Boehner.
"America has the best privatized health care system in the world, and we are going to
use that system to help us take back control of Congress," said the Bakersfield Republican.
At McCarthy's direction, Republican incumbents and recruits alike are being booked for
appointments with the best Beverly Hills and Manhattan cosmetic surgeons.
"We will have the newest-looking, tautest candidates on the campaign trail this summer.
Voters will be too busy looking at them to pay attention to what they're saying," he
declared.
One of the first lawmakers McCarthy signed up for a makeover is Rep. Michele Bachmann
(R-Minnesota). "I think Michele will benefit from extensive work around the eyes, to
soften her weird undead vibe," McCarthy said.
Asked whether there wasn't a danger Bachmann and others might no longer be
recognizable to constituents, McCarthy said: "We're counting on it."
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