Wiseline Institute | ERITAS News Service

President Obama will use his first State of the Union address tonight to say he has learned a great deal in the first year of his administration. An advance outline of the speech reveals he will tell the American people and a joint session of Congress that lessons learned from those failures will help shape failures during his second year in office.

The theme will be 'if you are disappointed by the failure of health care reform, you ain't seen nothing yet.'

The president is still fine tuning his remarks, but true to his reputation for bipartisanship he is expected to include many Republican applause lines. The text is said to currently include the sentence, 'our failures will get bigger and stupider, each more maddeningly boneheaded than the one preceding it.'

• The president will ask Israel to allow a homeland for the Palestinians, but will settle for a disused mini-golf course in East Jerusalem.
• The CIA will orchestrate a separatist movement in the Burgundy region of France, straining relations with the European Union.
• The State Department will act to negotiate peace between Apple and Amazon in the tablet war.

• Obama will propose uniting Pakistan and Afghanistan into one country, 'Pakanistan,' so U.S. Predator drones will no longer need to worry about which side of the border they're on.
• Air travelers concerned about being recorded by whole-body millimeter wave scanners will be offered new privacy protections: scan-reflecting thongs and, for women, tassels.

• Covert funding of the aforementioned Burgundian separatist movement will result in guerrilla action in the vicinity of Dijon. Supplies of mustard will be interrupted, rippling through the U.S. hamburger, hot dog, and stadium concessions sectors.
• The president will announce that leading economic indicators are predicting the only thing stimulated in the economy this year will be John and Elizabeth Edwards' divorce lawyers.

Discussion of domestic policy must include the issue that bedeviled the first 12 months of Obama's administration: health care reform, which he is almost certain to relate to the recently announced three-year non-defense spending freeze.

Obama is likely to sell the freeze as a way to guarantee there will be no way to fund any public insurance solution. This pledge will be called 'insurance for insurance companies.'

He will also call on Congress to allow banks to review and edit legislation on banking regulation and investor protection. A proposal for federally-funded investor protection helmets, with decals designed by Sasha and Malia, could be a big hit with Republican skateboarders.

Stocks surged today in response to news that giants of the American banking, manufacturing, health, insurance, agriculture and defense sectors have decided to outsource the legislative branch to China, at a cost of 535 American jobs.

Leading observers say those costs are likely to spike following last week's Supreme Court ruling removing limits on corporate political spending.

"Even under the old restrictions, influencing Congressional campaigns and legislation already costs us over a billion dollars a year," said Lydia "Trey" Martini-Lunche of the Commerce And Business Advocacy League.

"Now that corporate persons are allowed to spend even more on influence, we're going to see upward pressure on prices as influence providers start charging more, and charging for services that are now free -- like cash transfers and drive-thru windows," said Martini-Lunche.

U.S. Chamber of Commerce president Edie T. Amin said legislation can be influenced more efficiently and cheaply in China, while maintaining quality. "There are little old ladies in Xinjiang province who can crank out deregulation bills 18 hours a day, for only $300 a month," said Amin.

On a positive note, Amin believes most companies will keep a token legislative presence in the U.S., with Senators Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson likely to staff a B2B call center.

President Obama's new initiative to limit the size of corporations met with stiff resistance from civil rights activists today, following the Supreme Court's ruling that corporations are entitled to the same right of expression as natural persons.

The ruling buoyed a group of corporate marriage activists marching in front of the White House. Many held placards reading, "Freedom To Merge," "Adam & Eve and Comcast & NBC," and "Keep Your Laws Off My Org Chart."

Corporations who had gathered outside the high court cheered when the 5-4 decision was announced. "We're close to winning equal rights as people, said Cerberus Capital. "Soon I'll be able to call my insatiable desire to consume small companies something other than monopoly."

Cerberus said he and his partners hope to someday start a family and adopt several Congressional oversight committees.

Pastor Jim Phelps, chaplain at the International Monetary Fund Wedding Chapel, has long campaigned for the right for two or more corporations to marry. Phelps hailed the court's decision as a good first step to full rights for corporate persons. "There can no longer be a compelling interest in government denying corporations in a loving relationship the legal recognition of their monopoly, even if polygamous," he said.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the president will continue to oppose any pro-corporate marriage laws in Congress. "President Obama intends to devote as much effort into stopping corporate marriage as he has into leading on health care reform," Gibbs said.

Republican Scott Brown became the newest member of the U.S. Senate last night, defeating Democrat Martha Coakley 52-47% in the close Massachusetts race for the seat of the late Edward M. Kennedy.

Brown thanked an overflow of supporters at Boston's Park Plaza Hotel. "You have helped this son of the Bay State get one step closer to my dream of becoming the first nude centerfold in the Congressional Record," said Brown, Cosmopolitan Magazine's Mr. June 1982.

Brown attributed his late surge to Levi Johnston, former future son-in-law of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, and Jeff Gannon, former White House correspondent for Talon News. "I am so grateful they were able to join me on the campaign trail in the critical final days, as examples to show the people of Massachusetts what the GOP has to offer."

The senator-elect said he looked forward to Senate orientation, and to meeting and working with his new GOP colleagues -- "except for John Ensign, who is to never be left alone with my wife and daughters," Brown said.

Coakley did not appear at her election night headquarters, instead undergoing treatment for a broken finger. The injury occurred at about the time Coakley pointed the finger at the White House, while complaining to chief of staff Rahm Emanuel that the Obama administration waited too late to start campaigning for her.

More aid from the U.S. arrived in Haiti today as the insurance industry's hospital ship S.S. Hopeless sailed into Port-Au-Prince harbor, on a mission to bring much needed medical relief to rich survivors of the 7.0 earthquake that struck the country January 12.

The Hopeless had steamed at top speed from the Bahamas, where it waited for six days while Haiti's paperwork was being processed.

"We are here to bring the world's best health care system to the Haitian elite," explained Julie McCoy, the Hopeless's cruise director.

"Medical care for poor quake victims is being provided by emergency public options funded by the world's governments and nonprofits, so the industry role is to offer a standard of care and service to Haitians willing to pay the free-market price," McCoy said.

S.S. Hopeless
Recognized by the familiar green dollar sign painted on its side

The Hopeless is a 32,000 ton Connecticut-registered vessel, recognized around the world by the familiar green dollar sign painted on its side. It carries 500 private rooms, a galley staffed by six cordon bleu chefs, 12 operating suites for elective surgery, 20 magnetic resonance imaging scanners, a claims department, a Wal-Mart pharmacy, and an IMAX theater currently showing Avatar.

The Hopeless is suspending many of its normal policies due to the urgent nature of the Haiti situation. Plate tectonics won't be treated as a preexisting condition, and patients will be able to add domestic servants to their policies at a rate of 30% of full premium instead of 50%.

ERITAS and Wiseline Institute and Center for The Secular Humorism celebrates our 300th post at Ragebot!

(Westmost, NC) Conservative media personalities were the big winners at yesterday's Demons Choice Awards, the evil industry's annual gala held at the Dukes of Hazzard Theater in downtown Westmost.

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh won three awards and television evangelist and Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson took home four of the coveted Demons Choice statuettes, the depleted uranium winged lizard with fangs stained with real human blood.

Limbaugh's politicization of Haiti disaster relief brought him victories in the categories of Satan's Favorite Handmaiden, Most Likely To Share Hitler's Dorm Room In Hell, and "The Severed Ear" -- which goes to the past year's highest-rated radio program in Hades.

While Limbaugh won because of his Haiti work, it was Robertson who took repugnance to the next level by falsely blaming God for the Haiti earthquake and deaths of thousands. The Virginia Beach, VA, televangelist won Favorite Hound Of Hell, Most Admired Incubus, and the ceremony's most coveted award, Spiked Phallus of The Year.

Robertson was also given a fourth honor, the Rev. Jim Jones Lifetime Achievement Award.

Backstage after the ceremony, Robertson flashed a fanged smile for photographers while cradling his radioactive statuettes. However, Robertson's image failed to register in any of the photos.

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made her first regular appearance as a member of the Fox News team last night, in a performance being widely praised for her ability to point while making eye contact with the camera.

The 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee delivered the network's 8 pm national weather forecast, showing off her new American Meteorogical Society certification.

Palin said the eastern U.S. establishment should expect continued cold temperatures, "because with a wave of his hand the Almighty is gonna freeze all you elitists in carbonite."

"Sodomites in San Francisco will experience locusts, fire and brimstone," she continued. "While in the red states, expect flight delays in the event of Rapture what with all the people flyin' up to meet Jesus."

"There'll be a lot of rain in Seattle, which you could see if it wasn't covered by all these white swirly things," said Palin.

"Seattle's red on this map -- not because it's a red state, but because they're socialists," she said.

Palin supporters no doubt had their fingers crossed as their hero concluded her inaugural broadcast with a forecast for the Far East. She rewarded their faith by correctly describing the difference between North and South Korea. "North Korea is the one above the dotted line," she said.

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has signed a multi-year deal with the Fox Kids network, the New York Times reported today.

Palin will host "Sara The Explorer," an animated public affairs program for children age 5 to 10, and Tea Party activists age 18 to 65. The fast-paced format will take viewers around the world, where the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate will show kids how the answer to pressing social and political issues is always 'God and less government.' Each episode will be 20 seconds long.

"It's so wonderful to join the Fox family that is so fair and balanced, and thank them also for this chance too to educate our children about things such as the world is only 5,000 years old," Palin said in a written statement.

Fox spokesman Jack Hoff said "Sara The Explorer" fills a long unmet need on television for conservative civics education for children. "Think of this as 'Schoolhouse Rock' without the liberal bias," Hoff said.

Sarah Palin
"I can see Russia!"

Controversy continued to swirl today around comments Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid made during the 2008 campaign about then-Senator Barack Obama, with some Republicans asking Reid to step down.

"This may sound hard to believe, but many people think Barack Obama is a Muslim just because his middle name is Hussein," Reid is quoted as saying in the book 'Game Change' by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, to be released Tuesday. "I wouldn't be surprised if some people will refuse to believe he's a U.S. citizen," Reid is also quoted as saying.

Today Republican leaders echoed chairman Michael Steele's demand that Reid quit, with a growing number urging that Reid be hired to replace Steele.

"Harry Reid is our kind of guy, based on these comments," said former Sen. Trent Lott.

"Reid isn't racist, he's a realist. Enough of a realist to recognize a lot of the country is deeply divided on race -- that's the kind of political know-how Republicans can use in the top job," said Lott, the former GOP Senate leader best known for his remarks at the late Sen. Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday party in 2002.

Echoing Lott was Dale Robertson, a founder of the influential Tea Party movement. "Reid is someone who understands our party's base," said Robertson.

"Reid is a smart guy who can take us to a whole new level. He could tutor us in English," he said.

Robertson
"It's spelled how? God, I'm such a moran."

The White House announced the first stage of a new business diversification plan today, launching the first-ever government owned monthly magazine.

"Public Screenings" will carry images of airline passengers taken by Transportation Security Administration using the new millimeter-wave scanning machines.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the TSA originally planned to release the photos in the Federal Register, as a way to preempt the paperwork burden of responding to inevitable Freedom of Information Act requests by Maxim, FHM and Fox News.

However, the Office of Management and Budget reviewed the project and immediately saw how a new magazine, when coupled with the public's insatiable interest in seeing people naked, could result in a major new revenue source.

Gibbs
Press secretary featured in spread in premiere issue

Gibbs cited how the tens of millions of people who fly every year would quickly create a huge collection of body scans of people from all walks of life -- including the rich and famous. "The sales of issues containing Tiger Woods mistresses alone could pay for three years worth of the upcoming military occupation of Yemen," Gibbs said, adding: "Whoopsie."

However, the private sector publishing world denounced "Public Screenings" as exploitation and an invasion of privacy, and called the idea of a federally-published magazine socialistic.

"Americans don't want a bureaucrat standing between them and their paparazzi, we already have the best private naked picture delivery system in the world," said Vernon H.W. Lechér, spokesman for the U.S. chapter of the British Institute of Nude Observation Clubs United for Laws Against Robes (B.I.N.O.C.U.L.A.R.), a free-market less privacy rights organization.

"This is a job killer. If Barack Obama has his way, instead of lurking in bushes with telephoto lenses, thousands of independent photographic entrepreneurs will be living under those bushes," Lechér said.

Instead, Government should cut regulations on independent photographic entrepreneurs. "Imagine what the Globe or National Enquirer could do with those TSA body scanners -- provided all local voyeur laws are canceled by executive order," said Lechér.

"Honest people with curtains and nothing to hide should have no objections," he added.

In other news, Fox News commentator Brit Hume said yesterday that he meant no offense to Buddhism when he advised prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian. "I was only saying that his kitchen floor would be cleaner and shinier with new improved Christianity, over Buddhism or other kinds of witchcraft," Hume told Fox's Bill O'Reilly.

Former Fox News anchor Brit Hume on Sunday urged prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to win forgiveness by turning to Christianity, netting the veteran journalist 12 million points and the overall victory in Saddleback Church's Proselytizer Of The Year Salvation Challenge.

On Fox News Sunday, Hume told Woods he could gain redemption by rejecting Buddhism and accepting Christ, and also take 5 strokes off his game.

The win earns Hume a pair of reserved orchestra-level seats at Saddleback with flattering key lighting for one-year, as well as a parking space, an I Slurred a Major World Religion and All I Got Was This Lousy Baptismal Robe baptismal robe, and free coffee refills at the church samovar.

Hume did it with a strategy that relied on quantity over quality, says veteran airport proselytizer Krishna Tim.

"The content of the witnessing was pretty standard, focusing on Christianity's value in athletic contests," said Tim.

"What carried Hume to victory was that his message was seen not only by Woods, but also by the 3 million people watching on TV and another 9 million who watched the video later at MediaMatters.org," Tim said. The resulting 12 million proselytizing points led to a wide margin of victory over the other competitors from the Saddleback Sunday School program.

Reaction of Buddhists was predictably compassionate and understanding. But in Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama begged to differ with Hume's views.

"The practice of meditation offers greatly superior mental preparation for golfers," said media relations officer Sogyal Nicklaus, who cited as proof the victory of Michael O'Keefe over Ted Knight in the film Caddyshack.

The Republican Party has high hopes for its prospects in midterm congressional elections, and they are crediting health care reform.

For even though no GOP senators voted for the measure that passed 60-39 on Christmas eve, a little-noticed provision of the bill stands to put slates of fresh new Republican faces on ballots this fall. "Thanks to health care reform, plastic surgery is now a legitimate campaign expense," said Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California, chief deputy whip to minority leader John Boehner.

"America has the best privatized health care system in the world, and we are going to use that system to help us take back control of Congress," said the Bakersfield Republican.

At McCarthy's direction, Republican incumbents and recruits alike are being booked for appointments with the best Beverly Hills and Manhattan cosmetic surgeons.

"We will have the newest-looking, tautest candidates on the campaign trail this summer. Voters will be too busy looking at them to pay attention to what they're saying," he declared.

Bachmann
Her health plan covers dental sharpening, night vision

One of the first lawmakers McCarthy signed up for a makeover is Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota). "I think Michele will benefit from extensive work around the eyes, to soften her weird undead vibe," McCarthy said.

Asked whether there wasn't a danger Bachmann and others might no longer be recognizable to constituents, McCarthy said: "We're counting on it."