<This Month>

1 Seattle City Council, Pos. 6
2 White House cheese nearly stolen after Obama leaves country
5 Obama failing to create Obama impersonator jobs
8 GOP acts to stem closures of oriental carpet stores
9 Sarah Palin wins Le Bon Pizza Prize
12 Seattle Port Commissioner, Pos. 1
13 Cheney - Norway seeking long-range award launch capability
16 King County Executive
17 Limbaugh calls for public option
19 Health care reform would cause kitten to die
20 Seattle Mayor
23 Runaway gas bag
27 Bush motivational speech

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   Archive?"

Transcript

Fort Worth, Texas
October 26, 2009

Good evening. Tell you what, before we start, why don't those of you in the back come and fill up some of these opens seats up front here? Come on, lots of empty seats.

Okay, now I can see all your shiny faces. Good evening again, and welcome to my first paid public speaking. Are you ready to rumble? Before I forget, I want to give a special shout-out to the 8,000 of you who won free tickets through 95.9 KFWR The Ranch. "Listeners really win on KFWR."

I am honored to be invited here today to talk about lessons from my life that can motivate. In other words, life lessons that can motivate you, in your businesses, careers, and personal lives.

Although a lot of the early stuff is kind of hazy, what I do remember is working hard.

The first lesson from my life is that if you work hard, you always win. And let me tell you -- I'm a winner. I've won every time.

I got into Yale even though I'm as dumb as a stump -- because I worked hard. And because of me, Yale had to create a special grade: the E, which they told me stands for Excellent.

I got out of Vietnam but still worked hard serving my country -- I earned that free dental work.

Some will tell you I lost my '78 campaign for Congress, but I think of it as a 'non-win' -- just sounds better.

I finished six years as Governor of Texas with 152 executions, number one among all governors in recent history. And most of those executions were of guilty people.

And then there was September the 11th, 2001. That was a loss for the United States, it's true. But in large parts of the world 9/11 is considered a win against America. That's lesson two from my life: consider other points of view.

Lesson three from my life would have to be good business sense. I started Arbusto Energy, which later got sold to Harken Energy -- whew, and managed to sell all my stock in that before it went south.

As a baseball owner, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps by buying a share of the Rangers for $600,000, most of it borrowed, then selling the team and its taxpayer-financed stadium for a huge profit. I'm too bashful to say how much that was -- but it rhymes with blourteen boint bline shmillion. Heh heh -- pretty good, huh?

This lesson served me in good steed in the last year of my White House when the economy, due to fears of the possible election of Barack Obama, suffered the biggest failure of financial institutions known to man. The situation called for using the fourth lesson from my life -- as ye have received, also shalt thou give away others' money.

So I worked hard, considered other points of view, used my business sense, and then came to the only conclusion possible -- I gave them 700 billion of your dollars.

This has been just a preview of all the lessons of my life. You'll be able to get the rest of them in my forthcoming book, "Lessons Of My Life" By George W. Bush, $34.99, now available for pre-order from Regnery Publishing.

In closing, I hope my life has provided you with the motivation you need to achieve success in your endeavors.

Thank you for your attention, have a nice day, and remember to tip your waitress. Posters, CDs, and "Global War On Terror Global Tour" t-shirts are on sale in the lobby.

Those of you who want to take a picture with me, please form a single line in the center aisle -- ten bucks each, cash only.

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The Week's Big Story

(Oct. 22) Authorities are responding to an alarming situation today involving a report of a gas bag drifting aloft that may contain the future of the 150 year old Republican Party.

A Sheriff's Office spokesman said Michael Steele placed an emergency 9/11 call after the 6 am CNN Headline News update. Steele told the operator that former Vice President Richard B. Cheney had broken loose from his mooring and was drifting away.

"My future! My party's future may be on board!" said the reportedly panicked Republican chairman.

Search teams are mobilizing to locate Cheney, who was last sighted heading south.

Update

The nation continues to be transfixed by live TV coverage of the runaway Richard B. Cheney. The gas-filled ex-Vice President broke loose and drifted away this morning, during a speech on the Afghanistan war.

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said it was only meant to be a test of the speech. "At first I thought, whew, at least this is just a trial run. But then Eric Cantor ran up and said the gas bag is on TV, and said he thought our future is on board," a worried Steele told reporters. He fears that Cheney may have reached an altitude where there is not enough oxygen for his party's future to survive.

But the Sheriff's Office reports it has received numerous reports of sightings of Cheney, and that his altitude is much lower than previously thought. "We believe he is leaking gas, and should sink to the ground eventually," said a spokesman.

Update 2

BREAKING-- the county Sheriff reports former Vice President Richard B. Cheney returned to Earth a short time ago, and search and rescue teams have reached him. However, the Republican Party's future was not on board, and Cheney's basket is missing. There are fears the party's future may have fallen when Cheney's basket became detached.

Update 3

The story of the missing Republican Party future came to a happy ending this afternoon, when it was discovered with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. "We think the party's future got scared when Cheney drifted away, and hid when it heard the news that only 20% of Americans today call themselves Republican," said GOP chairman Michael Steele.

"Eventually we thought to check with Sarah Palin, which is the party's future's favorite hiding place -- and out it popped! Our future was with her all the time, we are so relieved," said Steele.

Steele, Palin and the Republican Party's future will appear tonight on CNN's "Larry King Live," hosted by Wolf Blitzer.

Update 4

A revelation by the Republican Party's future concerning today's televised drama, in which it was mistakenly thought to be adrift in Richard B. Cheney's hyperbole, is fueling speculation that the entire affair was a hoax.

Sources with the county Sheriff's Office confirms that it is asking additional questions of party members. Suspicions of a hoax arose during an appearance by Michael Steele, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and the GOP's future on CNN's "Larry King Live."

Substitute host Wolf Blitzer asked Steele to ask the party's future why it didn't come out when it heard everyone calling '9/11, 9/11.' The party's future replied, "You had said that we did this for the fearmongering."

Pressed to clarify what that meant, Steele became distracted. "Look over there -- Obama is declaring war on Fox News," he exclaimed.

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Ehhhhlection '09

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A new report is raising concerns about Democratic efforts to reform the national health care system, leading to renewed calls by Republicans to scrap the effort.

The report, commissioned by the insurance industry from accounting giant PricewaterhouseCoopers, found that competition from a public insurance option will cause a kitten to die.

"The kitten is in a sealed box, which is connected to a pressure vessel containing poison gas," said Tim Birely, a vice president with the insurance company Guardian.

"The gas is controlled by an electronic valve, which is linked to a feed from CSPAN 2. If Congress passes a public option, it will trip the valve, and the kitten will die a horrible, painful, Democratic Obamacare death. We call on Americans to write their Congressmen and implore them not to kill the kitten," Birely said.

Birely explained that imperiled kittens are a little known yet vital part of the health insurance industry: "We show 'em to the dogs, so when we deny their claims they don't try to appeal."

"The only people it doesn't work on are lawyers, which is why we need the tort reform," Birely said.

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Rush Limbaugh called for a public option today, stunning supporters of the talk radio firebrand.

"There I was, ready for some football, only to have this all-American game, the most popular sport in the world, slam the door in my face," Limbaugh told Sean Hannity, during an appearance on the Fox News program Hannity.

"NFL ownership is a right, not a privilege. When an Everyman like me cannot buy my way into ownership of a football team, the system needs to be reformed," said Limbaugh.

"The time has come for a public option -- a publicly owned, federally managed NFL franchise that any multi-bajillionaire can buy a piece of, and would provide some nonprofit competition for Big Football," he said.

Pressed by Hannity on whether a public franchise amounts to the same kind of socialism as President Obama's health care reform initiative, Limbaugh responded angrily.

"Of course it's fucking socialism -- what do you think the NFL is? I was trying to get me some of that sweet, sweet, owner profit sharing," Limbaugh said.

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Ehhhhlection '09

Hutchison and Constantine debate before the King County Bar Association

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Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney gave the White House some free foreign policy advice today, warning of a grave new threat to non-peace.

In his first public comments since the Nobel Peace Prize attack of October 9, Cheney said he had informed President Obama that Norway constituted a clear and present danger to America.

"Norway has become the number one threat to the status quo of fear and the war mentality," said Cheney.

"I warned everyone this would happen if they elected Obama," he added.

Cheney said the northern European Islamic group al-Nobel has been behind many cases of peace recognition around the world. Now, he says, the 10/9 attack may be just the first in a new wave of peace.

"My secret intelligence source, Blue Ball, says the five-member al-Nobel cell in Oslo has taken control of the Norwegian government," explained Cheney.

"Even now they are trying to develop a long-range award launch capability. At present, Peace Prize winners must journey to Oslo to accept the award. But a long-range system would let them deliver Peace Prizes anywhere in the homeland," Cheney said.

A senior former Defense Department official who requested anonymity confirmed Cheney's information. "Heavens to Betsy, the fact we can't see any evidence of a long-range al-Nobel capability means it must employ stealth technology," the source said.

For his part, Cheney is resolute in his mission to alert Americans to the growing Norwegian threat. "We have to attack them now, before we get Peace Prized again.

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Ehhhhlection '09

John Creighton

Although I am running unopposed, I felt it was necessary to explain what I have planned for my second term as a Seattle Port Commissioner. Because as your Port Commissioner, I want you to know that I am watching you.

All the time.

I am running for re-election because I love the Port of Seattle, and I love you, citizens of King County. You're all I think about.

That rustle outside the kitchen window late at night? In theory it could be me, observing you to see how the Port of Seattle affects your life.

The coffee from Guatemala you brew in your Chinese-made espresso machine, your Bosch refrigerator, your Ikea table, the food your Persian cat loves so much -- they all came through the Port.

The route you drive to work in the morning? Right past Port property. And your gray 2007 Prius was shipped through the Port too.

I am also proud of my record in bringing transparency and visibility to Port operations. Under my leadership, Port policy requires the 20-something receptionist I'm pounding to wear transparent underwear, and why when I'm with your two friends I insist we leave the curtains open.

But that was my first term. In my second term it's not about them, it's about us. I want to show you, and King County Superior Court, that transparency and visibility are a two-way street.

That's why, starting this month, I will be wearing a GPS tracking anklet.

On my official website you'll be able to pinpoint my location using Microsoft's Bing Maps, down to a court-ordered resolution of 500 feet. You'll be able to find me any time of the day or night. Nothing will come between us, we will be together, forever -- and ever, and ever.

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The world's focus shifted northward today, as the international community reacted with surprise to news that the Sitka Duran Duran Fan Club has awarded the 2009 Le Bon Pizza Prize to former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

It is the second such honor for Palin. In July she was named a Maneater by the Wasilla Hall & Oates Re-Enactors Society.

In the official announcement of the award, the Le Bon Committee cited Palin for doing the most this year to further the cause of Duran Duran by making Hungry Like The Wolf the Alaska state song.

"Make mine extra cheesy," Palin commented in the midst of a helicopter wolf hunt when told of her win.

The world's stunned surprise was also mixed with some criticism. Chris Matthews of MSNBC said the Le Bon Committee's selection made no sense. "Palin has actually done more to set back the cause of 80s stadium rock anthems in general," Matthews said, noting the negative reviews of Palin's rendition of Eye Of The Tiger, which she performed on the flute at the 2008 Republican National Convention.

Palin will journey to Sitka on December 10 to claim her prize, when the pizza will be baked to order.

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Republicans want O.R.A.L. Oriental Retail Assistance Legislation

A wave of closures in the oriental carpet retail sector has provided a potent new issue for critics of President Barack Obama's economic policies.

The stores, known as Oriental Carpet Dealers (OCD), offer Persian rugs, Oriental rugs, Kilims, and area carpets at unbelievable prices. They are a familiar sight in shopping districts across the United States.

Yet all is not well with the OCD, with Department of Commerce statistics showing more than 5,000 OCDs closed in the month of August. But now the OCD cause has been picked up by Republicans anxious to point out shortcomings in the president's policies toward business.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) is leading the GOP charge over the plight of the carpet businesses. Leader of the newly formed Oriental Retail Assistance Legislative (ORAL) Group of House Republicans, Bachmann went on FOX News Channel's O'Reilly Factor yesterday to describe what is happening in malls and on Main Streets across the country.

Bachmann told host Bill O'Reilly that she passed no less than a dozen Oriental Carpet Dealers on her drive to Capitol Hill that morning, "and all of them had huge banners proclaiming 'Going Out Of Business - Huge Savings'," said Bachmann.

"This portends an economic disaster. I want to find a great ORAL way to stop further losses of businesses, including ones owned by hard-working floor covering sellers who come from places such as Karastan and Belgian Congoleum," Bachmann said.

The legislation would get $2 billion into the hands of American consumers, in the form of vouchers for 10% off when buying two or more carpets at already low, low prices. Vouchers would be distributed via Valpak mailings.

House Minority Leader John Boehner endorsed Bachmann's plan. "What are Americans who want to shop for carpet that matches their drapes supposed to do? The number of OCD closures is clear evidence of an economic disaster caused by Democrat policies," he said.

Added the visibly emotion Boehner: "We should be slashing prices, not commerce. This wholesale slaughter of retail must be stopped, it should be at the top of our list."

If it passes the House, Bachmann's bill would need to be woven into a Senate version, S. 69, written by Sen. John Ensign of Nevada. Ensign heads up another GOP panel working on the issue, the Senate-House Analysis Group (SHAG).

"The interest we see today in ORAL-SHAG legislation gives me hope the unraveling of the oriental rug business can be stopped," Ensign told a packed press conference.

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New jobs figures released by the Department of Labor show a continuing upward trend in unemployment. Here with an expert commentary is Marvin Canny.

Hello, I'm Marvin Canny. Every four years our great nation renews one of our most cherished traditions. I'm speaking of our quadrennial love affair with the presidential impressionist.

Here at the Marvin Canny Likeness Union of Parodists, Impressionists and Other Professional Mimicking Persons, our researchers are charting an unprecedented break from the historical pattern of job opportunities for our members following presidential election years.

Since the time of George Washington, when lookalike Adam Weishaupt rose to fame as a spokesman for wooden dentures, a new president has always meant an upswing in employment for actors who bear a vague resemblance to the commander in chief. Remember that guy who looked like Reagan, who was in all those ads for insurance, denture adhesive and Folger's? He was one of ours.

Last year, we at the MCLU shared in the hope symbolized by the election of a new, vigorous young president with visual and aural distinctiveness. But the new unemployment statistics give little reason for continued hope by MCLU members.

Sure, there are some actors who are benefiting in the down economy. Greg Grunberg just had the off-Broadway premiere of his Alan Grayson one-man show, and Eddie Izzard has been playing Seattle mayoral candidate Joe Mallahan in public for the last six months.

But 2009 has seen the creation of just one job at the presidential level: the guy who played Barack Obama on Flight of the Conchords.

The situation calls for drastic action. In the 1980s the Justice Department ended the Rich Little monopoly, which paid off in huge growth in the Jim Morris, Phil Hartman and Dana Carvey sectors of the economy. We need a 21st century version of that again, today, and soon -- before Fred Armisen can attempt another Obama impersonation.

Thank you, and remember to support the MCLU in your workplace.

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"We told you so!" say GOP

GOP leaders on Capitol Hill are claiming vindication today upon news that the White House cheese was nearly stolen. The government announced this morning that an intruder had gained access to the Cheese Room, but that the historic Jefferson Dairy Case had not been breached.

Republicans had predicted trouble if President Obama went to Copenhagen for 18 hours in an attempt to win the 2016 Olympic Games for the United States.

"I hate to say we told you so, but: we told you so," said Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell, adding, "When the cat's away."

House Minority Leader John Boehner agreed: "Protecting the cheese should be at the top of our shopping list."

"The American people deserve better than a president who tries to do more than one thing at a time. And anyway, it's not like Americans ever do well in international athletic competitions," Boehner said.

The senior Republicans had good reason to expect trouble: the chief suspect in Cheesegate is Rep. Tom Petri (R-Wisconsin), a member of the Wheys and Means Committee. Secret Service sources say White House staff found Petri in the Cheese Room, when he was meant to be attending a meeting on dairy price supports.

However, architecture experts say there was little threat to the cheese. "I know it may look like an ornate Federalist era drawing room you could break into with a butter knife, but the Cheese Room has security," said Minnie Frandle, historic buildings researcher at the American Dairy Association and Dairy Council. The sophisticated system, installed during a $400 million security upgrade ordered in 2002 by former Vice President Dick Cheney, has sophisticated motion detectors, video surveillance, and temperature controls to keep cheese fresh.

President Obama can even monitor the cheese from Air Force One, which he was doing today on the ground in Denmark -- while also teleconferencing with generals about Afghanistan, strategizing with aides about health care reform, helping his daughter Malia with homework, and balancing his checkbook. Obama saw an unauthorized person on his Cheese Room screen, and alerted staff back in Washington.

"The president's critics can relax: no one's going to move the nation's cheese," Frandle said.

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Ehhhhlection '09

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