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←Winter 2015-16→
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Subscribe to the RSS feed -- the bitmark is now bit.ly/wiselinify. = strtotime('January X 2016 19:00:00')) { ?> February 5, 2016 NRA community initiative to help Flint Will remove lead from water to make bullets (Flint, MI) National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre came to Flint today, to announce his organization is launching an effort to aid this beleaguered city. The NRA Get The Lead Out Program will use a newly patented process to extract lead from the city's drinking water. "This is an exciting opportunity to help fire back at adversity, which is what the NRA is all about," said LaPierre, 94. The NRA leader said all lead it extracts from Flint's water will be recycled. "We're going to sell the lead to arms manufacturers to make bullets," he explained. Proceeds will benefit LaPierre. "The original plan was to give the proceeds to charity, but unfortunately the Rick Snyder Presidential Pre-Exploratory Committee seems to have shut down," LaPierre said. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
January 5, 2016 Militia at wildlife refuge begins screening for foreign birds The patriotic militia unit occupying a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon set about the serious work of defending America today, as the roughly two dozen set about screening the facilities animal species for foreigners. "What we're looking for are possible foreign wildlife influences," said Ammon Bundy, nominal leader of the occupying force who, along with two of his brothers and other associates remain in control of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge near Burns, Oregon, for a third day. Bundy said that his group has no problem with American species, such as the bald eagle, white and mostly white creatures such tundra swans, and species like weasels that turn white in the winter. "The danger is from threats such as migratory birds, who think they can come into the USA without a visa or registering," said Bundy. Bundy described the group's first action after taking an inventory of the facility's toilet paper supplies. "We turned a toolshed into an interrogation center, and this morning we detained and questioned two hawks, a number of owls, and several songbirds that could have been singing mariachi or some other music of Mexican origin," he said. He said his men had already detected and stopped an "illegal alien bird planning to poop on a recently washed automobile in the parking lot." Bundy said he would not rule out the use of waterboarding, "although that proven technique is less effective in the case of waterfowl." Bundy also reported his men had seized the contents of the center's National Wildlife Refuge Association donation box, which he said will be used to purchase supplies like duck sauce and Stove Top stuffing. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
December 24, 2015 Believe In Santa? 'Fun' religious tests proposed Happy Holidays from Eritas Screenings for immigrants, tourists and even political candidates could get a lot more challenging if new proposals for religious tests pass the Congress. Spurred by the terror attacks in Paris and San Bernardino, a number of GOP lawmakers have put forward bills designed to uncover Islamic extremists, while getting around the Constitution's specific ban on religious tests for public office, and Supreme Court rulings extending the prohibition to other areas. However, House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy and Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell have directed their members to create "legislation with a sense of fun," so as to calm the American public's fears of terrorism. "As a strict constructionist, I believe the key is to design religious tests the Framers couldn't have envisioned, thereby passing Constitutional muster," said Sen. Tom Cotton of Texas. His bill would amend the controversial visa waiver program by limiting it to applicants who can establish that they believe in Santa Claus. Foreigners applying to join a spouse or relatives in the US would have to answer questions "such as 'what do you want for Christmas?' in a convincingly non-ISIS way," Cotton said. A bill by Cooperstown, NY area Congressman Chris Gibson would reform the green card process with test questions drawn from Church of Baseball minutae, such as the batting order of the 1938 Yankees and Wade Boggs's favorite color. Finally, a timely bill from cinephile Ted Cruz hopes to capitalize on the world's renewed interest in the Star Wars film franchise. His bill would require that candidates for federal offices answer questions about the origin, characteristics and usage of The Force, referred to as 'that ancient religion' in Episode IV. "Mesa want Jedis in White House, not Sith," explained Cruz spokesman J.J. Binks. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
December 21, 2015 DNC denies Santa access to Naughty Or Nice data (Christmastown) Santa Claus reacted angrily today after being locked out of his database by the Democratic National Committee. DNC officials say the action was taken after Yule datalogs showed Elves had improperly accessed Hanukkah Harry's data files. "All of our Naughty Or Nice information is in that database, it was collected by us, not the DNC, and they have no right to keep us out," said Claus. Without up-to-date client information, Christmas deliveries could be delayed or even canceled, he said. The breach was made possible by a defective patch uploaded Sunday evening by vendor NGP-VAN, which supplies database services to the DNC. The DNC in turn subcontracts database services to the North Pole, and other clients including Hanukkah Harry, the Easter Bunny, and the Alabama voter registration department. A senior Elf Control official called the DNC charges ludicrous. "The Naughty Or Nice dataset already contains everything about everyone on Earth, why would we need to look at Hanukkah Harry's narrower dataset?" said Deputy Information Minister Mark Zuckerbuckle. Claus said his legal team is weighing several options, including a federal lawsuit, reactivating the old list keeping system (the Secure Access Naughty-Nice Tracking Application, or SANNTA), and assigning Very Naughty status to DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Santa said he only joined the DNC system last year, "in what I thought would be a cost-saving move." "If Christmas is ruined, the responsibility will rest with Debbie Wasserman Schultz," Santa said. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
December 15, 2015 North Pole split over Muslims on Nice List Things are not merry and bright in Christmastown this season, due to a controversy over the long accepted wisdom that anyone can be on the Nice List, they just have to try. But this year a North Pole opposition party is demanding Muslims be excluded from the list. "I'm calling for a total suspension of Muslims from being on the Nice List until Santa figures out what's going on," said Donald J. Trumpbuckle, leader of the Front Nord -- or Northern Front, an ultra-right wing Elf faction. The FN's position comes the same day as the North Pole Department of Administrative Affairs released the official Naughty and Nice Lists during a ceremony in Christmas Square. Occurring every December 15, the annual tradition finds people the world over scouring the lists for their names and those of loved ones. An exercise in official diversity that has existed since the North Pole Supreme Court decision in Brown vs. White Christmas (1958), membership on the preferred Nice List is routinely granted to people of all races, religions, genders, sexual preferences and continents. "The idea that anyone can be designated Nice is ludicrous. Muslims certainly can't be on the list, especially not after Paris," the FN's Trumpbuckle told participants in a toybuilding seminar in Ames, Iowa. The FN is also calling for a blanket ban on Syrian refugees sitting on Santa's lap during any of his mall, department store and office party appearances. The fear -- as expounded on almost daily by conservative Elves like Box News commentator Sean Hannitinsel -- is that Muslim naughties posing as Syrians could infiltrate the queue. North Pole First Lady Angelina Claus, wife of Santa for 377 years as well as CFO of Claus's Oslo-based holding company Northex, urged Elves not to give in to fear. "We're in the home stretch. Now is not the time to forget our commitment to making December 25 the one day a year that doesn't suck quite so much as the other 364," Mrs. Claus said. (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
= strtotime('November 24 2015 19:00:00')) { ?> November 25, 2015 Putin threatens Turkey's giblets Annual Turkey-based post Russian President Vladimir Putin threatened Turkey's giblets today, which remained in an uproar. Tensions between the two nations escalated Monday following the shoot down of a Russian warplane which Turkey claims crossed into their airspace from Syria. Russia denies its plane crossed the border, while Turkish President Recep Erdogan says there will be no apology. Meanwhile, Russian media is blaring the headline 'Turkey Shoot.' A planned Wednesday visit to Istanbul by Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov was canceled, when the sides could not agree on cake or pie. "Russia will rain a gravy storm made from Turkey's own giblets down on them," stated Putin, adding that if no apology is forthcoming, Turkey will be roasted until 180° internal temperature. US government sources say Russia is taking an offensive posture. The Pentagon released satellite photos showing Russian mobile missiles with oyster stuffing warheads being repositioned to areas near Turkey. Another series of photos shows the cabbage rolls are almost ready. State Department experts speculate Putin's goal may be to occupy Turkey's white meat regions, confining dark meat to the Turkish kids table stronghold. In New York, the UN Security Council met in emergency session to debate canned cranberry jelly vs. cranberry sauce from scratch. President Obama called for calm, "in order for both sides to have a fair chance to pull the wishbone." In contrast, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump praised Putin's strength and virility, "which Trump finds surprising for a man with almost no hair." (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
November 16, 2015 Cruz wants to train French cops in racial profiling The US Senate on Monday moved swiftly to respond to Friday's terrorist attacks in Paris, which killed 132 and injured hundreds. The Republican-controlled chamber took up consideration of a bill drafted over the weekend by Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas). Cruz's bill, S.69420, would provide $120 million through federal contractors to train French police officers in American racial profiling methods. "The USA leads the world in racial profiling under the guise of broken windows policing, or en francais, vitres brisees. Everyone recognizes this," said Cruz, in an interview with France-based conservative TV network Renard Nouvelle. "I think we have much to offer the French in terms of looking for Muslim terrorists hiding in the general population, especially those who may be posing as children, refugees, or LGBT activists," he said. Cruz expressed confidence that profiling would not lead to racial bias by French police, explaining, "it's not racist because Muslims are all alike." (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
November 3, 2015 IHOP renaming due to 'internationalist' rumors (Westmost, NC) The IHOP on Third Street will change its name to National House of Pancakes USA, USA, manager Colby Devitt announced today. Devitt said the more patriotic name is a nod to "people in the community who have been claiming recently that we are part of an internationalist plot. Which the corporate office will neither confirm nor deny on advice of counsel." Local WNUT talk show host Alec Jonas claimed victory, following weeks of inveighing against the IHOP name, internationalism, and what he calls "one-world gourmandment." Listeners to Jonas's daily show, who call themselves 'breakfast truthers,' boycotted and picketed the IHOP. Others made anti-international posts on social media, accusing IHOP of perpetrating a fraud. A person using the Twitter name @cantbelieveiatethewholething wrote that IHOP diners are really 'crisis eaters', actors "hired to make the general people think international food is tasty." "They pop up at IHOPs all over the country, eating and posting their food propaganda on Instagram," @cantbelieveiatethewholething wrote. A Facebook member posted an update attacking IHOP's "foreign influences." "BELGIAN waffles! FRENCH crepes! The Internationalist House Of Pancakes is coming to stamp out traditional American chains like HoJo's and Dennys," wrote a Westmost resident with the profile Sam Onella. For his part, Jonas hopes wider awareness of the threat will lead to an organized resistance. "I hope to call it the Southern American Men's Breakfasting Organizations -- SAMBOS for short." (Follow us all the time at @WiselinePRT).
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