←Spring 2015→


April
21 GOP Earth Day observances to be capped by global bonfire
23 Laffer's Rx for high rents

May
26 Lesbian couple to adopt Time Warner Cable

June
12 Clean bill of health for Kylie Jenner
16 Bachmann designs Rapture-ready home = strtotime('June 19 2015 10:00:00')) { ?>
19 Jeb Bush vows to end war on women

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Jeb Bush has vowed to end the war on women by "giving them the means to shoot back," the newly minted Republican presidential candidate said today.

Bush's proposed policy, called No Woman Left Unarmed, would provide tax credits to any American woman to purchase a gun.

"If treehuggers can get a federal tax credit for buying a Prius, why not guns too? It's only fair and balanced," the former Florida governor said.

Bush's supporters were quick to hail the proposal. "This is a great way of reaching out to women -- in other words, women outreach," said former President George W. Bush.

Known for taking up art in his retirement, the 43rd president said he has begun a series of paintings about scantily clad women and the Second Amendment.

"I'm collectively calling it Women And Their Bazookas," said Bush, citing as his inspiration "the Consitution [sic] and Vargas. A fine, fine artist and great American."

In a nod to the LGBTQ community, candidate Bush said he expected Congress would make male-to-female transgendered persons eligible for the tax credit, "provided Congress' social awareness evolves a half-century in the next eighteen months."

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Former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann launched her latest venture today, designs for a massive single family residence with a retractable roof. "That makes it Rapture-ready," the ex-Swiss dual citizen explained.

Boasting a Duggar-compatible 20 bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms, the 4 acre residence currently exists only as a functional tabletop model. It is the centerpiece for an entire gated community of over 100 such homes, a project for which the Bachmanns are seeking investors.

The retractable roof uses a coal-powered rollback mechanism, effectively combining Bachmann's new love of architecture with her longtime interest in anti-environmentalism.

"One of the things Christ-haters always ask me is what happens if a believer is in their home when the Rapture starts, what about the head injuries. Well my mic-dropping answer to that blasphemous sarcasm is the retractable roof," said Bachmann.

"When the Rapture comes and the faithful begin rising toward Heaven, if you're living in a Bachmann Home with Rapture-Ready Roof, the ceiling is not a problem," Bachmann said.

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Kylie Jenner was given a clean bill of health by doctors from the Centers for Disease Control today. The Kardashian-adjacent reality star had contacted the agency Tuesday, after noticing what she referred to as "chembreath" on a mirror on which she had exhaled.

But a CDC official said chembreath doesn't exist. "It's an example of condensation, like vapor trails behind jet planes, and nothing to worry about," said Dr. Buffy St. Marie of the CDC's Hysteria Response Team.

Kylie however still has doubts about condensation being an explanation. "It sounds exactly like what the government wants us to think," Jenner said.

She said the vapor trail example didn't make sense to her, pointing out that she is not in the habit of exhaling behind high altitude aircraft.

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A Vermont couple has agreed to adopt Time Warner Cable, bringing to an end the communications giant's long search for a new home.

Rachel and Maura Kuhn-Heaverlough, of Burlington, have signed adoption papers with state court, and the couple's new baby is due to arrive Tuesday afternoon.

Maura, a certified public accountant, says the couple is excited. "Between buying new clothes and converting the third bedroom into a cubicle farm, we haven't had time to eat or sleep."

They plan to call Time Warner 'Tim Warner Kuhn-Heaverlough,' dropping the Cable "since internet streaming means everyone is cutting the cord," said Maura.

"But we're going to save the cord for the baby album," she added.

Rachel, a manager at a Williston garden center, said she and Maura plan to honor Tim's cultural heritage. "We've already applied to the preschool at Temple Sinai," she said.

The adoption marks a happy ending for Time Warner's long search for a permanent home. An adoption had nearly been arranged last year but the prospective parent, Comcast, did not pass a background check by Child Services.

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Cut taxes on 'housing creators'

Conservative economist Arthur Laffer has come to Seattle to add his ideas to the solutions being proposed to combat sky-high rents. The darling of the neoconservative movement will be on hand at a town hall meeting on high rent, being held at 6pm tonight at Seattle City Hall.

Laffer told the person he was sitting next to on a flight from San Francisco that a totally free market is the key to housing affordability. "He drew a squiggle on a cocktail napkin, and said it proved that all Seattle has to do is cut taxes on the housing creators," said Laffer seatmate Mary Jane Brownie, a recreational marijuana sales rep from Shoreline.

According to Laffer, allowing housing creators to keep more of their incomes would start a trickle-down effect in the Seattle rental market.

If the market were allowed to trickle, a new bottom layer of affordable rental housing for unmarried workers would be created, called Single Living Unit Modules, or SLUMs.

"Laffer said SLUMs would be really nice, with lots of amenities like unicorn stables, and even entrances separate from those used by higher incomer residents," Brownie said.

A structural benefit of having SLUMs on the bottom is that everything else would move up-market. Laffer said today's lowest level would become Gentrified High Income Two Tenant Occupancy, or GHITTO, housing.

Brownie said Laffer asked her if she was impressed by his ideas, and that she was welcome to learn more at a colloquium he is planning for later this evening in his room at Sutton Suites by the airport.

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The Republican Party will turn Earth Day into a celebration of "human patriotism," party leaders announced today.

The GOP's Earth Day activism for 2015 is prompted by a new interest in science, said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus. "The Republican base is increasingly concerned about non-creation science, especially astronomers who are trying to look at distant stars to find evidence of intelligent life," said Priebus.

Republicans will spend Earth Day celebrating human beings' superiority to alien life, as well as the Earth's position as "without question the number one planet to live on in the entire universe," Priebus explained. The logo for GOP Earth Day events is an illustration of a green alien with a red slash through it, with the words Humans First.

At the US Capitol, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said the federal government is sending an aircraft carrier to Yemen. "Any extraterrestrials who might be watching will be able to see how clever and potentially violent humans are. They'll definitely think twice before messing with us," McConnell said.

Local GOP and Tea Party activists in the US said they will join overseas Republican outreach committees in a worldwide patriotic Earth Day display, planned for Wednesday, April 22 at 8pm. "Humans First patriots will march through their communities, patrolling for likely ETs," said M.F. Nutt, a Republican Earth Day organizer in Westmost, NC.

"At 8 o'clock sharp the bonfires will be lit. In coal communities they'll set fire to the mines. The fires, glowing veins of coal and trail of smoke behind Earth as it orbits the Sun will be seen from light years away," Nutt said.

"The message will be unmistakable - We are humans, and we have fire," he said.

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