Wiseline Institute Northwest presents:
|Mr_Blog's Left Turn||
A Seattle-based journal of Left-wing musings on local, national and world affairs, as well as baseball, pop culture and technology.
Posted September 29, 2008
by Kim Jong Il
Aren't you dead? Signed, GB, Warshington DC
Posted September 25, 2008
McCain challenges Obama
"Join me in a game of Hide and Seek"
John Sidney McCain III launched a new media strategy yesterday, building further excitement around his campaign for the presidency. McCain's plan involves throwing his schedule out the window, in favor of cutting-edge 'viral' techniques.
"The goal is to use mystery and word of mouth to attract public interest," said McCain campaign advisor Pilate Hindenberg.
Viral marketing is a trendy way to use social networks and the internet to create awareness of a product. "This means John McCain will be campaigning in nontraditional ways," said McCain advisor Ty Tannic. Tannic replaces Hindenberg, who stepped down after admitting he is a paid lobbyist for a major mortgage lender.
The initial phase of the viral campaign is focusing on creating a fun, interactive real-world activity that voters can get involved in. It began Wednesday, with McCain challenging Democratic nominee Barack Obama to a national game of hide and seek.
"We are way out ahead of my opponent on this issue," said McCain, who surprised reporters by disclosing that running mate Sarah Palin has already been playing the game for three weeks.
McCain said he is suspending his campaign to work on finding Palin's place of concealment, and has suggested Obama do the same.
"The effect has been astounding," said McCain adviser J.T. Hazelwood. Hazelwood recently joined the campaign, replacing Tannic, who was forced to step down after admitting he is a paid lobbyist for a major insurance company.
"Our website is being bombarded with hits, and chat rooms are packed by people looking for Sarah Palin and trading clues," Hazelwood said.
It is Hazelwood who has come up with the risky idea of canceling all of the McCain campaign's radio and TV ads. But the gamble appears to have paid off, with the media and blogs abuzz with the cancellation, and publicity about McCain's failure to appear on David Letterman's Late Show.
"Everyone's talking about that, canceling Letterman was a huge attention-getter," said a celebratory George A. Custer, who is leading the viral campaign after Hazelwood was forced to step down after admitting he is a paid lobbyist for an oil company.
McCain is also participating in the fun. Today he is somewhere in the eastern U.S., waiting to be found by the Presidential Debates Commission. McCain invited the media to join in: "I will grant an interview to the reporter who is determined enough to track, locate, and take me down like a lion chasing an impala on the Serengeti," he said in a written statement.
The hide and seek won't stop when Palin is found, according to McCain adviser Herb Hoovier, who is heading up the campaign's viral marketing after Custer was forced to step down after admitting he is a paid lobbyist for a failing brokerage. "We're going to play hide and seek with the American people right up to election day," said Hoovier.
"We're building the mystery, the McCain mystique, and getting so many people talking about him that the name McCain will be literally on the wind," he said.
The McCain campaign also announced today it will be showing its TV commercials only in the HDTV section of one Best Buy store somewhere in the U.S. Clues to the store's location will be given, scavenger hunt style, during Friday morning's edition of Fox & Friends.
Posted September 24, 2008
Palin goes global
Lunch at world food court goes well
The education of Sarah Palin continued on Tuesday, as the Republican vice presidential running mate got her first exposure to foreign nations.
Palin's entry on the world stage took place when she and GOP nominee John Sidney McCain III had lunch at the International Food Court of the Broadway Mall in Hicksville, NY.
"If it had to be a crash course, I couldn't have asked for a better introduction to international diplomacy," said a clearly jubilant Palin, shortly after what she called a 'high level meeting' with Jason Thanh, owner/ manager of Viet Pho.
"He is such a nice man, a fundamentally hard worker who has built a great business since coming to America. Which is laudable for a Commie who fought our soldiers in Northwest Asia," Palin said.
Thanh, 24, a native of New Rochelle, said he is leaning toward Democrat Barack Obama. Nonetheless he said it was an honor to meet Palin and McCain. "It takes all kinds to have a democracy, everyone's got ideas for the country, even MILFs and old dudes," Thanh said.
McCain decided against Vietnamese food for lunch, however, saying it brought back unpleasant memories about his incarceration during the Vietnam War. "But I don't like to talk about that," he said.
At the House of Masala, an excited employee offered Palin a plate of ginger-curry lamb with cardamom and eggplant. An adventurous eater only when it comes to moose, the governor smiled and said, diplomatically, "Thanks, but no thanks."
Instead, McCain steered Palin toward Luba's, a Russian establishment. There Palin looked into the soul of cashier Kristi Calabrese, 17, for several minutes before ordering a ham and cheese pierogi.
The Republican ticket also stopped by a number of other counters featuring cuisines of diverse cultures, where Palin gained insights into Menu Spanish, as well as how to pronounce tagliatelle. However, they would not meet with representatives from Guantanamerica, which specializes in Cuban food because, McCain said, "we don't talk to Commies."
They wound up the trip with a figurative return to American soil, ordering "good old-fashioned American lattes" from the Creperie de Paris.
Posted September 22, 2008
McCain is alien lizard-person
Revelation doesn't dim election hopes
Hoping for a fresh start after successive days of damage control on foreign policy, the meltdown on Wall Street and the qualifications of running mate Sarah Palin, GOP presidential hopeful John Sidney McCain III today admitted that he is actually an alien lizard-person.
The revelation was necessitated by an incident at a rally Saturday in Florida, when McCain was hugged very hard by an overenthusiastic supporter. Onlookers were shocked when the vigor of the embrace caused the surgical scar on the left side of McCain's face to open -- revealing it is not a scar after all, but an aperture in a skin mask.
Media photographers and news video cameras recorded images of reptilian skin clearly visible through the opening, just before McCain was hustled off by his Secret Service detail.
On Sunday morning McCain held a press conference to put a positive spin on his species status.
Meeting with reporters in the gardens of the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando, McCain took questions as he basked on a warm hard rock.
"I ask the American people that before they make up their minds, they hear what this alien lizard-person has to offer the country," said McCain.
McCain reiterated his theme of change, also referring to it as molting. He said his planned reforms would help the economy, although stressing his belief that it continues to be fundamentally sound. "By fundamental, I mean the American workers, who continue to be hard-working and nutritious, as well as adaptable to conditions on many worlds," he said.
"The alien lizard-people merely wish to serve man," McCain said.
Aides to McCain say overnight polling shows voters are withholding judgment until they learn more about his alien lizard-person policies.
Roberta Sue Frandle, a homemaker, Wal Mart team member, housecleaner and fast-food worker from Algona, Washington, said she has an open mind about McCain. "It's not like he's a Muslim alien lizard-person," she said. Frandle, who describes herself as pro-life, said she wants to find out more about McCain's goal of maintaining the human race's high breeding rate.
McCain also received strong support from his vice presidential running mate. "He is an alien lizard-man who served America bravely in Vietnam, and he has my full confidence," Sarah Palin said after checking with her husband.
"And when I spoke to god this morning, he pointed out that the dinosaurs -- which he put on Earth 5,000 years ago and turned into oil -- are lizard-cousins to John McCain," said Palin.
"This is just more evidence the McCain-Palin ticket knows more about energy than a community organizer," she said. Palin went on to say the liberal media is 'species-ist' for focusing on the lizard-person story instead of the issues.
By late Sunday the Straight Talk Express seemed to be back on track. McCain ended the day on the offensive, challenging Democratic rival Barack Obama to a debate at Vasquez Rocks near Los Angeles.
In related news, McCain is struggling to explain a gaffe that occurred as he was being interviewed by a Miami radio station. Responding to a reporter's question, McCain appeared to say that Spain is in the Romulan Neutral Zone.
Posted September 20, 2008
Bush seeks Wall St. solutions
Offers to trade WaMu to Yankees
President Bush continues to work hard and decisively on finding a way to avert a U.S. financial meltdown and worldwide economic catastrophe.
Limiting his daily Tiger Woods PGA Tour '09 Wii game to 9 holes, Mr. Bush has been working extensively at the White House with his economic advisors -- as many as three hours per day. Although press secretary Dana Perino was quick to say they were not all in a row.
Perino declined to specify whether she meant hours in a row, or days in a row.
"The president is working very hard. But be assured, he is still getting plenty of rest and exercise," Perino said. "He believes he needs to stay sharp, in order to be ready to run the country should that time ever come."
Time is something the White House knows is running out. In recent days, familiar names in business that top the list of major institutions in trouble have been trying to find buyers. These include Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual, Morgan Stanley, and Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) -- who is trying to find takers for his portfolio of over $30 billion in unsecured bribes. All these may need Bush's federal assistance package now being created.
Key to the now-$700 billion package is a set of goals created by Bush, based on his prior experience as president and in private business. Administration sources say the goals include:
The $700 billion package is due to be delivered to Capitol Hill this week. President Bush plans to run it over personally on his bicycle.
September 17, 2008
A further message from John McCain
Hello My Friends -- or "MFers," as I like to informally call you, my peeps. It's me again, John Sidney McCain III, with more Spare Change You Can Believe In.
It's time for some Straight Talk about the economy.
Who does this kid Alan Greenspan think he is, calling Monday's small stock market adjustment a 'once in a century event, leading to more businesses failing'?
Kiss my patootie Greenspan, the economy is fundamentally sound! As long as you can barter rice we can survive, that's something I learned when I was in the Hanoi Hilton, but I don't like to talk about that.
The only companies that are in trouble are insurance companies and savings and loans. Here's some Straight Talk for the insurance companies and S&Ls: no one likes you. I'm glad we're getting rid of them. I'm only sorry we couldn't take out any law firms too. Lawyers didn't help when I was a guest of Charlie, but I don't like to talk about that.
Plenty of life is left in the American economy. Some of our biggest companies moved to the Caymans and Dubai in order to protect themselves from downturns like September 15 was not. As a result, there are plenty of them left to come in and provide the McCain Administration with some vital no-bid contracting.
Also, there are credit card companies to get us through this little dip. My advice is to get out your credit cards and go shopping. Get out there and Charge, USA! How's that for a slogan, MFers? Best one since A Chicken In Every Pot, yessireebob!
My family values policy also offers economic solutions. Basically, everyone is free to marry themselves a rich heiress, like I did after I was released from the Hanoi Hilton, but I don't like to talk about that.
So as Phil Gramm would say: STOP WHINING AMERICA! If being a POW taught me anything, it's to not whine. But I don't like to talk about that.
September 16, 2008
McCain supports DraftaProgressive.org
Cindy opposes draft, favors cans and bottles
John Sidney McCain III proved his maverick credentials again today, endorsing a new liberal movement called Draft A Progressive.
McCain said he supports anything that would send progressives off to fight for the United States in hot latitudes, especially just prior to a close election.
"If you ask me, we should have drafted those left wing anarchist hippies years ago," said McCain, calling conscription a character builder.
"I'd send army recruiters to those lah-tay shops, have 'em throw hoods over those hippies' heads, and then -- twenty-three skiddoo -- off they go for a head shave and 15 weeks of basic," McCain said.
McCain went on to say that he expected progressives ought to prefer being in Iraq, "since Iraq has things the liberals want, like a budget surplus and universal health care."
Running mate Sarah Palin strongly supported McCain, saying progressives should serve in Iraq because it will help unify people and companies. "The American people's contractors need a stable Iraq in which to do business," she said.
But showing there are mavericks even within the McCain camp, Cindy McCain separately voiced her opinion that she prefers cans and bottles over draft.
In other campaign news, Palin said she felt capable of conducting American foreign policy. "As the evangelical governor of the state closest to Russia, I feel I can help build bridges to nowhere with Russians by speaking to them in tongues," Palin said.
September 15, 2008
Stop household drafts to cut energy bills
Hi, America! I'm grateful for this opportunity to take this humble church newsletter household-science advice column and give it a national audience. Thanks to Wiseline Institute Northwest for picking me up.
Spouses of presidential and vice presidential candidates are often the source of much needed human interest when a presidential contest veers dangerously close to discussing issues. And for a good reason -- it is those of us, we who toil behind the scenes running the households of the centers of power, who are not backed into a corner by the blinders of elective office, who can offer hope to the silent majority of Americans who care about what brand of glasses my wife wears, which shades of lipstick are right for pigs, extending executive privilege to cover governors' spouses, and how long a run-on sentence should run.
In this column I will be discussing these important distractions, as well as cookie recipes, from my unique perspective as First Husband of Alaska.
Voila -- you've just made your own draft stopper! Place them under your outside doors and you'll start noticing an improvement in your heating bills.
It just goes to show you -- if we had more Alaska-produced oil and natural gas, it would be cheaper to heat our homes. We wouldn't need to save energy and there would be more wolves in the wild. Want to protect wildlife? Then drill, baby, drill!
See? Life is a circle.
September 8, 2008
Alaska troops enter breakaway region
Canada warns drifting ice shelf will melt
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin ordered her state's Army National Guard into a breakaway region of the Canadian Arctic today, a month after the 19 square miles of ice separated from Ellesmere Island.
Palin, the newly minted Republican Party nominee for vice president, said she does not accept Canada's claim that the region is a piece of an ice shelf that broke off of Ellesmere, part of the Nunavut territory.
"Canadian scientists claim the ice shelf broke away due to global warming. Well I don't believe in that," said Palin, from an undisclosed location on the campaign trail with running mate John Sidney McCain III.
"It therefore follows that this is a land yearning to be freed from the yoke of socialized medicine, they have seceded from Canada, and are now floating toward sanctuary in Alaska," Palin reasoned.
She then signed a gubernatorial proclamation naming the new land Ice Cuba.
The McCain campaign issued a statement praising Palin for her decisive action. It read: "My friends, this is the kind of leadership that shows how ready Sarah Palin is to become president should the need arise."
Although the National Guard is trying to make contact with Ice Cuba resistance leaders, Palin said the primary mission is humanitarian. "Our brave citizen soldiers are even now fanning out to search for anyone who needs rescue or medical attention," she said.
The governor added that the officer in charge of the effort, General Michael Brown, sent word from Ice Cuba that he expects people, elves and penguins will be found soon. "He's doing a heck of a job," Palin said.
When campaign reporters pointed out to Palin that penguins are Antarctic and elves are mythological, she disagreed. "Who says, science? Canadian science? Canadian socialized science? I don't think so."
"If Canada decides they want it back, they can't have it," said Palin.
"No one and no thing will stand in the way of Ice Cuban liberty, as surely as god told me to pray for a natural gas pipeline."
"Our watchword shall be 'Ice Cuba Libre'," Palin declared with a flourish.
Posted September 5, 2008
New name for GOP
Will now be called "NATSEEs"
The Republican Party stunned political observers yesterday, ending its national convention by changing its name for the first time since its 1854 founding.
It will now be called the National American Trade, Society, Enterprise and Entrepreneurs Party, or NATSEE Party.
"The name NATSEE perfectly captures what we stand for on international relations, homeland security, and ethnic and religious diversity," John Sidney McCain III said in St. Paul Thursday night, in his speech accepting the NATSEE 2008 White House nomination.
"People a thousand years from now will still remember this day, the day the NATSEE Party stepped forward, stepping like geese across the meadow of manifest destiny, offering our fellow Americans the leadership they need and order they crave," McCain declared.
"Our children and their children, and their children, and their children, and their children, you get the idea, will consider themselves the richer for the decisions we make in this election. Those people, a millennium from now, will indeed be rich. The thousand-year rich," he said.
McCain went on to say that Natsees stand for openness and burden-sharing. "Law abiding Americans want to be open with government about their lives, bank accounts and internet browsing, because they understand that protecting freedom means giving up freedom. They believe in lessening the burdens of others, such as corporations facing huge losses," McCain said, to thunderous applause.
"I think Americans are going to be excited about supporting the NATSEE Party and becoming Natsees," RNC Renaming Committee chairman Pilate Hindenberg said by way of explaining the unexpected move.
"Our test marketing has shown there is a sizable number of people who like what Natsee-ism stands for, especially those who flunked history. Sorry, they prefer to be called forward-looking," Hindenberg said.
Other names under consideration were the security-conscious Your American High Technology Super Easy Eavesdropping (YAHTSEE) Party, and a radical plan to create a monarchy based upon the bloodline of actor Anson Williams: the Potsie Party).
Also rejected was Kids, Learning, And No-taxes (KLAN).
Posted September 4, 2008
Supergroup reunites in St. Paul
Keating 5 rocks GOP convention
The Keating 5, one of the most reknowned supergroups of the 1980s, played the Republican National Convention in St. Paul last night, electrifying the standing-room-only crowd of delegates with a 90 minute concert.
Joining the GOP's 2008 presidential nominee John Sidney McCain III on the Xcel Center stage were his original bandmates John Glenn, Dennis DeConcini, and Don Reigle. Providing fresh blood was Phil Gramm, replacing Alan Cranston who died in 2000.
The 'Fib Five' sang all their memorable hits of the past, including Teapot Dome, Watergate, Southern Strategy and Great Depression. Especially good was a cover of their biggest hit, Recession 1990-91, updated for the new millennium with a funky new arrangement by Gramm, and renamed Subprime Crisis.
In terms of musicianship the Keating 5 showed they all still have their chops. However, the concert belonged to McCain, who rose to stardom during the British Invasion of 1812, taking his rightful place as the Keating 5's front man. He brought the audience to its feet repeatedly, and improvised a 20 minute bass solo during Jumpin' Jack Abramoff.
McCain also provided the emotional highpoint of the night -- during Michele (Bachmann) -- when he did his signature 'debt as high as the moon walk', in which he moves backward while appearing to walk forward.
Closing the evening was a 20 minute encore of favorites from the Reagan and both Bush presidencies, including Bootstraps, off the Trickle Down Economics album.
The Keating 5 will tour nationally until early November.
Posted September 3, 2008
None harmed in GOP convention fire
Sparked by Palin learning to rub hands together with evil glee
No one was injured at the Republican National Convention on Wednesday when a small fire broke out in one of the small meeting rooms at St. Paul's Xcel Energy Center.
At the time of the fire the room was being used by Vice President Dick Cheney, who was holding a special seminar to instruct John Sidney McCain III's running mate Gov. Sarah Palin on the topic, 'What Is It That the Vice President Does Every Day?'
Witnesses, who were reluctant to give their names, said Cheney was teaching Palin the correct way to rub one's hands together with evil glee, when Palin rubbed her hands too quickly. The excessive friction resulted in too much heat, and accidentally set fire to Palin's copy of the syllabus, the witnesses said.
There was further drama when firefighters were briefly delayed by Cheney's security detail. St. Paul fire chief Carl Fumé said his people were first told there was no one using the room.
"Then a Secret Service agent said the room was in use, but that no one sees the Vice President without an appointment," said Fumé.
Firefighters were finally allowed to enter the meeting room and extinguish the fire, but only after Cheney was given time to get to his escape pod.
Posted September 2, 2008
Lieberman tries to out-Kennedy Kennedy
Had pre-convention brain surgery
Sen. Joe Lieberman (No Fixed Party-CT) was only trying to prepare to give the best independently partisan convention speech of his life when he checked into the Neurology Department of the National Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, last week.
It was the former Democrat's simple wish to provide a rallying point for this week's 2008 Republican National Convention. "It was Lieberman's intention to undergo elective brain surgery," said Lieberman aide Ben Arnold. The idea was to give the GOP delegates the same inspirational focus as Sen. Ted Kennedy did with his appearance at the Democratic National Convention following surgery to battle brain cancer, Arnold said.
However, what doctors found gave Lieberman the scare of his life.
Adm. Prefontaine Loeb MD, who led the neurosurgery team, had been expecting a challenging procedure. "This is Joe Lieberman's brain we're talking about, so we knew going in that hours and hours of microsurgery would be involved," Loeb recalled in an exclusive interview with Wiseline Institute NeWs Service.
Loeb was astounded by what he says he encountered. "After about a half hour, we realized nothing looked like it was supposed to. The specialists we called in confirmed our worst fears: Joe Lieberman is chopped liver," Loeb said.
Shocked, the doctors quickly applied matzos to the senator's brain and vital organs and continued the best they could with the procedure, technically a lobotomy.
"But 'lobotomy' is such a charged word," Loeb cautioned.
"No one will be able to tell the difference, though. Speculating on the effect a lobotomy has on Joe Lieberman is in angels-on-the-head-of-a-pin territory," he said.
However, because Lieberman is chopped liver his quest to become John Sidney McCain III's running mate was effectively at an end. Gov. Sarah Palin received that honor last Friday.
But Joe Lieberman's decision to soldier on despite his surgery is the biggest human interest story of the Republican convention thus far, and delegates are expected to give him a huge ovation when he takes the stage tonight.
Posted September 1, 2008
Palin daughter is pregnant
Baby has been named Checkers
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin met her first challenge as John Sidney McCain III's vice presidential running mate on Monday, making a speech on the first day of the Republican National Convention that sought to preempt rumors surrounding her teenage daughter's pregnancy.
Rumors about the pregnancy of Bristol Palin, 17 and unmarried, surfaced in the 72 hours following Gov. Palin being named to the ticket on Friday. Reports among party faithful that the conception was immaculate gained momentum over the weekend, and Palin decided to confront the issue rather than risk turning her family's Alaska home into a holy pilgrimage site.
Manifesting to GOP delegates on live closed circuit TV at the Xcel Energy Center, Palin -- her hair up in her trademark haystack style and wearing a respectable, Republican cloth coat -- denied her pending grandchild's immaculate conception, and said the Holy Ghost had sworn to her that it was not the father.
But Palin sought to reframe the question, rhetorically asking, "The question isn't where the 'seed' came from, and it's not even whether we should give it back. The question is -- is it morally wrong?"
"Well, it would be. It's a secret thing, done in secret, hidden from view, under cover, shameful, evil evil evil," she added.
"But you know what? We're going to make this joyous news. Bristol already loves her baby, and our youngest girl, Tricia, the six year old, named it Checkers."
By all accounts the heartfelt, personal nature of the speech, already being called 'The Out of Wedlock Checkers Speech,' is helping Palin connect with the Republican base. "She hit it out of the park," said an enthusiastic Gov. Mitt Romney.
The former GOP candidate said he is seeing a surge of support for Palin at the convention. "The delegates are really behind her. Already there is a movement to find a way for her to spend more time with her wonderful, moral, Christian family. In Alaska," Romney said.
In related news, conservative religious leader Warren Jeffs has offered to marry Bristol Palin, "in order to do the right thing."
There are 3 comments
September 09, 2008 - 01:13
Subject: Alaska troops enter breakaway region
Nobody believes it can be preserved - www.votetheday.com
September 08, 2008 - 05:05
Subject: New name for GOP
September 08, 2008 - 05:51
Subject: Re: New name for GOP
It's funny 'cause it's true. -Ed.
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