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Nov. 2011

4 House votes to affirm 'E pluribus unum' is not official US motto because it isn't in English
7 A message from Kemper Freeman and Tim Eyman
8 McKenna proposes Voodoo Education plan
14 Eyman Agrees To Suck It
17 GOP concerned about Supreme Court vote fraud
21 The 2012 GOP presidential hopefuls wish you a Happy Thanksgiving
28 Romney Book Wins Award

   "Where's the


November 28, 2011
Romney Book Wins Award

No Apology called "exciting alternate realities fantasy"

Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's latest book, No Apology, has been named the first winner of a prestigious new literature award. The coincidentally-named 'Golden Mitt' award recognizes outstanding works of fantasy.

"No Apology is an exciting alternate realities fantasy. The competition was tough, but Mitt Romney has no equal in the genre," said Page Binder, spokeswoman for the book review web site Bookhounds, creator of the Golden Mitt.

No Apology is a complex story about a politician who exists simultaneously in parallel universes. Circumstances and policy choices cause the parallel plotlines to diverge and lead to very different results.

The narrative twists and turns as the protagonist, Rodney Smitt, skips back and forth between the two alternate realities. In one universe Smitt supports government rescue of the auto industry, extending a payroll tax cut, an individual mandate for health insurance, amnesty for illegal aliens, and believes climate change is manmade.

But in the parallel universe he adopts the opposite positions.

The former Massachusetts governor beat out a number of fantasy heavyweights, including Stephenie Meyer (The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner), George R.R. Martin (A Dance With Dragons), and Fox News host Bill O'Reilly (Killing Lincoln).

In interviews Romney has said he wrote No Apology for readers of all ages, but especially Tea Party adults over 40.

Bookhounds will present the Golden Mitt on January 3, 2012, in a ceremony in Hollywood. No word yet from the Romney campaign whether the candidate will appear in person to accept the statuette, a latex glove dipped in goldtone.

In a related story, one of Romney's rivals for the GOP nomination was cool to the news of Romney winning the Golden Mitt. "We need fewer awards for reading and more for leading," said former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain, adding: "Readin' ain't fundamental."

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November 21-26, 2011 - Annual turkey-based post
The 2012 GOP presidential hopefuls wish you a Happy Thanksgiving*

"Get Stuffed, America!"

We, the current candidates1 for the 2012 Republican nomination for President of the United States and Gary Johnson, are setting aside our fierce competition this week in the spirit of Thanksgiving.

All the world's cultures have days of thanksgiving,2 but the last Thursday of November is the day celebrated by Americans.3

Therefore, this Thursday, our wish for you, our fellow Americans, is that you make like turkeys and "Get Stuffed, America!"4

The turkey is the perfect metaphor for the consumer under a capitalist system.5 For a year it consumes, enjoys life, and grows fat and happy in blissful ignorance.

Then on the great day it gets slaughtered, plucked, stuffed,6 basted in your own juices,7 and served up to be devoured by a lucky few.8

And the white meat gets picked first.9

This is why Thanksgiving is special to us, and to those who provide 99 percent10 of our campaign funding.

See, the free market is a two-way street. The job creators trickle down on you, and in return you offer up your metaphorical crunchy golden brown skin, rich gravy, and giblets.11

We recently received a letter from the Koch family of New York, Beverly Hills and Dubai. In it, Mr. Charles Koch reminds us we have many reasons for being thankful,12 among them being food, shelter and health. "All three can be obtained from charities absolutely free," he writes, "therefore there is nothing immoral about our relentless assault on government."

What a wonderful sentiment. Please join us, won't you, in observing the spirit of the holiday? Invisible Hand beats socialism again!

Wishing you, your heterosexual loved ones, and your unborn heterosexual loved ones a happy Thanksgiving,

Mitt Romney
Rick Perry
Newt Gingrich
Herman Cain
Michele Bachmann
Ron Paul
Rick Santorum
Jon Huntsman
Gary Johnson

P.S.- A friendly reminder from the One Percent: when tired of eating cake, turkey sandwiches are great with a little pepper spray.14

^1. Objection from Buddy Roehmer noted.
^2. Ms. Bachmann has requested a fact-check on this.
^3. Gov. Perry dissents, saying it should be just for Christians.
^4. This was Romney's simile.
^5. Mr. Cain dissents, insisting that pizza is the quintessential metaphor, although-
^6. Mr. Cain says he will help with the stuffing, he likes stuffing things.
^7. Sen. Santorum wants it known he is uncomfortable with the baster imagery.
^8. A recipe for Turkey Chow Mein is available from Huntsman.com.
^9. Sorry, Herm.
^10. Because we care about the 99 Percent of our contributions.
^11. Please consider helping former Vice President Cheney by becoming an organ donor today.
^12. As well as making a number of veiled and overt threats.
^13. Gov. Johnson is appalled by all of the above, but he was outvoted.
^14. "Michele's Delish Turkey Sammich" recipe available from MicheleBachmann.com

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November 17, 2011
GOP concerned about Supreme Court vote fraud

With so much riding on the upcoming U.S. Supreme Court review of the Affordable Care Act, Republicans say they want to take steps to ensure the final vote is accurate.

"Lots of people are worried that noncitizens, illegal immigrants, convicted felons, dead people, and even liberals could illegally vote on Supreme Court decisions," House Speaker John Boehner said today.

"Fives votes are all it takes for a majority, we can't allow the casting of even a single fraudulent vote," Boehner said.

The Speaker hopes his legislation, the Help The Judiciary Vote Act, will be passed and sent to the Senate before the high court takes up its examination of the health care law, possibly in June of next year. Supreme Court justices would be required to show a state-issued ID, U.S. passport, or country club parking sticker in order to be eligible to vote on cases.

Anne Arundel County GOP spokesman Kavid Doch said if the Senate fails to pass the bill and send it to President Obama, Republicans would act at the grassroots level to stop Supreme Court vote fraud. GOP pollwatchers could be stationed outside the Supreme Court building, challenging the registration of anyone claiming to be Supreme Court justices.

Doch said those without proper ID would be turned away, or asked to use a provisional ballot.

However, Supreme Court historian Hans Learned said that actual cases of Supreme Court vote fraud are rare. The last potential incident was in 2003, when courtwatchers feared Antonin Scalia had died on the bench during the important case of San Antonio v. New Jersey. "He hadn't said anything all week, can you blame them?" said Learned.

"Luckily it was just a scare. Of course, had Scalia really been dead there could have been no fraud since he would not have been able to cast any votes," he said.

Learned thinks Supreme Court vote fraud would be more likely to take the form of bribery. "It doesn't have to be cash, it could be some other form emolument, such as an honor, or a dinner, or being honored at a dinner. But I'm sure members of the court would never, never, never, ever, nope, no way compromise their objectivity in such ways," Learned said.

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November 14, 2011
Eyman Agrees To Suck It

Washington ballot measure guru Tim Eyman agreed today to suck it. It was the conservative activist's first public comments since last Tuesday's rejection of Initiative 1125, the transportation initiative also known as the 'All Roads Lead to Bellevue Square' measure.

"The people have spoken, and I have heard them. In accordance with their wishes, I will suck it," said Eyman, of Mukilteo.

I-1125 was widely seen as a second chance to get Eyman to suck it, according to Sit Tran of the Suck It, Tim/No On 1125 campaign.

"We thought the voters' rejection of I-985 in 2008 was a pretty clear message that Eyman should suck it," said Tran.

However, Eyman said I-985 opponents weren't clear about who should suck it.

"The No On 985 campaign was just saying "go suck it," not "suck it, Tim," Eyman told the Seattle Times in April, explaining his reasons for going back to voters this year.

Now that Washingtonians have told Eyman to suck it by I-1125's 52 percent no vote, Eyman said he will begin sucking it almost immediately.

"I guess it means returning to Mukilteo and living a quiet life. Speaking to the press is probably out, and certainly no more initiatives," he said.

Eyman said Eastside developer Kemper Freeman, main financial backer of I-1125, will likely bite it rather than suck it, "but I have no idea what he's actually planning, he's not returning my calls."

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November 8, 2011
McKenna proposes Voodoo Education plan

Saying Washington state government can do everything with less, Republican gubernatorial candidate Rob McKenna today highlighted budget cuts as the key to improving education when he is governor.

"Ronald Reagan's dream was Voodoo Economics -- cutting taxes and increasing spending. Three decades later we have a chance to try out this theory on the education of children whose parents can't afford private school tuition," said McKenna.

Speaking to supporters over breakfast at The Toga, an Imperial Rome-themed binge/purge restaurant in Bellevue, McKenna said tax cuts and volunteerism are the keys to his proposal.

"I'll ask Congress for even deeper, much-needed tax cuts for the richest three percent of Washington residents. This will mean the rich won't need to spend as much time amassing obscene wealth, and instead use some of that time to volunteer to teach in the public schools," he said.

McKenna went on to describe how more volunteer teachers will translate into state budget savings. "If we get a lot of rich volunteers, we won't have to replace teachers who leave due to attrition and my secret plan to enact Wisconsin-style anti-union legislation," McKenna said.

Currently the state Attorney General, McKenna is perhaps best known for not doing his job in order to devote time to his passion, opposing federal health reform.

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November 7, 2011
Ehhhlection '11

A message from Kemper Freeman and Tim Eyman

Hello, we are Kemper Freeman and Tim Eyman, urging you to protect the environment of King County's Eastside by voting yes on Initiative 1125.

The Eastside is a special place. Each day we enjoy the pristine asphalt of its thousands of acres of parking facilities, dozens of refueling pocket parks, and hundreds of miles of roads and streets teeming with magnificent herds of Rams, Broncos, Impalas, and more.

Yet today this delicate habitat and the way of life it nurtures is under threat: anti-Eastsiders want to build rail transit on the Interstate 90 floating bridge, which is a primary migratory corridor for motor vehicles.

Transit is an invasive species that endangers the livelihoods of the honest working people and property developers who depend on that daily, business-generating migration. Also, transit provides those honest working people with inexpensive transportation, allowing them to save more money to spend on education and housing in places other than the Eastside.

Rail also gives working people an easier way to leave the Eastside, and then who will we assimilate to service us? I-1125 will prevent all of this madness.

I-1125 keeps rail off the bridge, and protects the money that will preserve our petroleum-based legacy. The mighty herds of sportscars, minivans and sport utes will continue to exist for the enjoyment of our parking valets' children, our parking valets' children's children, our parking valets' children's children's children, and so on. You get the idea.

Please mark your ballots yes for I-1125 before mailing them tomorrow. We're Kemper Freeman and Tim Eyman, and we will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Thank you.

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November 4, 2011
House votes to affirm 'E pluribus unum' is not official US motto because it isn't in English

The House of Representatives fixed a long overlooked wrinkle in American history yesterday, approving 396 to 9 a measure affirming that 'E pluribus unum' is not the official motto of the United States.

Known as 'the other US motto,' the phrase appears on the Great Seal of the United States and has appeared on our money since the earliest days of the nation. But it was never elevated to official status -- and that's confusing, according to Rep. J. Randy Forbes (R-VA).

"The American people want it made clear that the national motto is in English, and not one in Latin," said Forbes, who sponsored the nonbinding resolution, as well as the companion resolution affirming 'In God We Trust' as the official motto, a position it has enjoyed since 1956.

"Not that there's anything wrong with Latin," Forbes hastened to add, calling Latin "a fine language."

"But Latin Americans can keep 'E pluribus unum' south of the border, as well as their other Spanish sayings. This is America, where we speak a language first spoken by anti-Roman barbarian freedom fighters on an island off the coast of Europe," he said.

"Also, the official motto should mention god -- whereas 'E pluribus unum' means, literally, 'the other white meat'," Forbes said.

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