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   Almost Truth

Wiseline Institute and
Center for The Secular Humorism

''I like Germany so much, there should be two of them'' -Clemenceau

Summer 2011
2 Romney throws hat in the ring
6 Congressman Broun proposes new federal holiday
9 Gingrich tweets photo of his junk
14 Bush says GOP candidates are ungrateful
23 Big Oil calls on EPA to regulate "dangerous" clean energy
24 Top Republicans Walk Out of VP Biden's Debt Talks
29 Bachmann forming rock band

1 Bachmann supports church-state separation
4 Greece frees Americans on flotilla against their will
9 A Message From Michele Bachmann
13 Mamet agrees to direct Pawlenty
14 Bachmann says US default not end of world
18 Jesus calls himself to run for president
25 ASPCA investigating Grover Norquist for beast starving

4 Meet The Candidates: Goodspaceguy
5 Meet The Candidates: John Creighton
9 Meet The Candidates: Diana Toledo
12 Meet The Candidates: Jane Vague
13 Sleepy Time
23 What I Did On My Summer Vacation by Kim Jong Il
29 Palin embarks on stimulus tour

   "Where's the


August 29, 2011
Palin embarks on stimulus tour

Going shopping for the economy

Sarah Palin went shopping in exclusive Beverly Hills yesterday, saying she remains committed to thinking about seeking the Republican nomination for president.

Shopping is a big part of thinking about it, she said, "because it's a pilot of my program to revive the economy."

Calling her trip a "stimulus tour," Palin -- the former Alaska governor and current Fox News commentator -- pledged to bring back the economy "even if I have to buy something in every shop in Beverly Hills."

According to anecdotal evidence, so far the plan seems to be working. "Gov. Palin is buying so much, I had to put on two extra shifts," said Serge, mono-monikered manager of Lovely Things on Rodeo Drive, an accessories boutique so exclusive prospective customers must pass a credit check and screening interview.

On board her 'Me The People' chartered coach, Palin criticized President Obama for failing to look to recent American history for retail solutions to revive the economy.

"If Barack Hussein Obama wants to fix the current economic mayonnaise, he need look no further than to recall the brave words of President George W. Bush who, after the attacks of 7-11, comforted traumatized Americans by telling them to go shopping, which gets cash registers humming so average working people, real Americans, can pay all the taxes so we can make permanent the Bush tax cuts for job creators to create jobs for average working people, which is water over the bridge that lifts all boats, so I am proud to call President Bush my role model as well as inspiration for helping those less fortunate," Palin told a clerk who had asked her, "are you finding everything you need today?"
On the road
Supporters wait for cake outside Palin's "Me The People" bus.

When asked what her pilot economic program did for the less fortunate, Palin reminded reporters of the stop she made after lunch. The possible GOP hopeful had purchased a $500 cake at a bakery so exclusive that its name is being withheld at request of the bakery manager.

Announcing "I'm stuffed after that lunch," Palin said she is donating the leftover cake to a downtown Los Angeles soup kitchen serving the needy. "Let them eat the cake," she said.

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August 23, 2011
What I Did On My Summer Vacation
by Kim Jong Il

Greetings my homies. KJI here, just back from my big summer factfinding trip to Eurasia's Great White North -- Russia. Swimming pools; movie stars.

Some background. The modern Russian state was founded after the Revolution, in which Catherine The Great (Jeanne Moreau) was overthrown by Sergei Eisenstein. More recently, Russia was the 3rd country to land on the moon after North Korea and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

After a long ride in my blacked out train, we arrived at our Siberian destination, Cainandaigua. I was expecting the lakeside resort we booked, Camp Granada, would have accommodations befitting a head of state and successor to the Eternal President.*

Instead, the rustic dachas turned out to be more like barracks. No heat, no chandelier, no minibar, no wi-fi. No Skinemax! And the mattresses offered no support, whether on the top bunk or the bottom.

Speaking of support, each dacha has a concierge, although Granada calls them 'Counselors.'

Now you'd think the Presidential Dacha's concierge would handle the usual stuff -- theater tickets, dinner reservations, hookers. But our Counseler, Todd, acted more like a warden. Up at 6 am, followed by calisthenics, dining hall, and then arts and crafts.

After lunch there would be an outdoor activity -- a hike, or swimming, or a canoe trip. Then after dinner we would sing rustic anthems around a campfire, and share intel about paranormal activities.

Security, however, was substandard. On the second night we were raided by guests from neighboring Camp Northstar. The infiltrators made off with women's lingerie, likely to sell them on Russia's notorious black market.

After three days I only had a beaded wallet to show for my efforts. Luckily, my nutritionist arrived and, after my vitamin injections, I came to in my own bed, back here in the DPRK.

So, that was Russia. What a dump. After this experience I'm now rethinking this whole Russian gas pipeline deal.

I doubt there's anything worthwhile from Russia. Other than learning how to make a mean lanyard.

*No, I haven't figured out how that works either.

Also by Dear Leader

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August 13, 2011
Sleepy Time

Pawlenty backers launch Herbal Tea Party

Backers of Tim Pawlenty's presidential bid have started the Herbal Tea Party, a patriotic affinity group in support of the former Minnesota governor.

The announcement comes as the Pawlenty campaign is in need of energizing, with polls showing him trailing badly going into today's Iowa Republican straw poll. Political observers say Pawlenty has been unable to attract support from the crucial Tea Party wing of the GOP, which has largely gone to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

"We realized that if Bachmann has the Tea Party, Tim needs to start one of his own," said Herbal Tea Party co-director Rose DeCaff.

"We're calling it Herbal Tea Party because Pawlenty's experience at putting people to sleep is the key to reenergizing America," said DeCaff.

"The recession has been hard on American workers. They need to get plenty of rest if the economy is to come roaring back, and Tim Pawlenty is the man who will make sure Americans get plenty of sleep," she said.

Iowa Campaign Calendar
Tonight: The Pawlenty campaign will hold a slumber party in Des Moines at 621 E 9th. $5000 suggested donation.
"It's time to go to sleep now"

Pawlenty tried the Herbal Tea Party on for size during last minute campaigning in Iowa in advance of the straw poll.

"I know you're tired, tired of unemployment, tired of Washington gridlock. Well I'm here to say it's time to wake up and smell the herbal tea -- it's Sleepy Time, America!" Pawlenty said during an appearance at the Hawkeye Hide-a-Bed factory in Davenport, Iowa.

Challenged by a heckler to say whether he would tax corporations, Pawlenty did not make the same mistake as GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney. Asked the same question at the Iowa State Fair on Thursday, Romney said that corporations are people.

In a masterful stroke, Pawlenty told his heckler: "It's time to go to sleep now. Let me tell you about my position on education reform. Ssshhh. There there."
Reporters interview Pawlenty

Later on his campaign plane, the 'Sleepy Time Express' donated by Celestial Seasonings, Pawlenty told reporters something which they missed because the seats are so comfy.

Pawlenty may be just the first politician to create a personal patriotic faction. Others thinking about starting their own tea-based factions include liberal Ralph Nader (Green Tea), Republican Sen. David Vitter (Lapdance Souchong) and House Speaker John Boehner (Orange Pekoe).

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August 12, 2011
Ehhhlection '11
Meet The Candidates, King County Council, Pos. 6

Jane Vague

Jane Vague
Hello, I'm Jane Vague your County Councilmember since 1994, and today we're going to show you how to reupholster a tired, worn out political career.

What you need to start with is a nonpartisan ballot in swirly, hard-to-pin-down patterns that are very forgiving of stains, such as wine spills.

Swirly patterns are great because they look good even when everything clashes. For instance, I can vote against a tiny fee for transit and still claim I'm protecting transit service.

Or, I can take the lead on policy that slashes county employees' cost of living increases, and then brag about creating new labor policy. Or say I'm a cost-cutter despite being in office for most of two decades.

Always, but always, accent swirly patterns with vertical stripes. Vertical stripes are slimming and help you look like less of a fathead.

And that's a good thing.

Join me next time, for the general election;I'll be showing you how to wallpaper-over your résumé. Plus, I'll return that unopened endorsement to Rob McKenna.

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August 9, 2011
Ehhhlection '11
Meet The Candidates, King County Council, Pos. 8

Diana Toledo

I'm Diana Toledo, and I'm running to reduce waste in County government. One of the biggest sources of waste is public funding of art.

Opera? Symphonies? Theater? Dance? Painting? Sculpture? Give me a break! People like you, me and our kids don't get anything out of that stuff. Art is for the cultural elites, and they can afford to pay for it.

I know it's not classy to mention your opponent by name, so let me just say that Joe McDermott has been a well-meaning but total failure with misplaced priorities. Cleaning up the Duwamish -- really? Another cultural elite issue.

Yes, it's time for a change. So vote for me, Diana Toledo -- because I know who is to blame.

Thank you. This has been an excerpt from my MFA degree project, "Cheap & Easy Populism: A One-Woman Show," and I hope I passed the audition.

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August 5, 2011
Ehhhlection '11
Meet The Candidates: King County Council, Pos. 6

John Creighton

John Creighton
Hi, I'm John Creighton and I'm an honest-to-God non-conservative just like the overwhelming majority of King County citizens.

Why, just the other day while I wasn't watching Glenn Beck's new subscription-only TV show I asked myself, "Myself, who da man who's the most not like a member of the Pat Buchanan Crypto-Fascist Club? You not da man!" I said.

My ideas are those of smart, forward-thinking King County. For example, I believe in shrinking government -- now what could be more quintessentially Seattle-Eastside urban-hipster-intellectual than smaller government?

Therefore, if elected I plan to abolish two of the nine Council seats. Partly because nine is an upside down six, a satanic number. But mostly because Larrys have been overrepresented on the Council for far too long.

I also promise to abide by the terms of all judicial contact orders. However, if you see me parked down the street all night under that burned-out streetlamp, I hope you will consider asking me for a campaign brochure.

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August 4, 2011
Ehhhlection '11
Meet The Candidates: King County Council, Pos. 8



I'm Goodspaceguy, and I'm running for King County Council. Why 'Goodspaceguy'? You'd change your name too if it was Benito Pol Pot Bickle Von Frankenstein.

This is my 22nd run for office, and likely my last. Why? It's because Republicans have become so extreme my whackadoodle ideas now seem mainstream.

Think about it. I was laughed out of my first 17 runs for office for saying wages in this country are too damn high. But after 2000 that all changed, and today the US House of Representatives is controlled by a party dedicated to bringing average incomes down to the 1967 level where they should be.

That's why this campaign is lucky No. 22. My ideas are ascendant, I can't lose. It will be my privilege to serve you as your County Councilman-For-Life*

*Pending charter amendment.

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July 25, 2011
ASPCA investigating Grover Norquist for beast starving

(Westmost, North Carolina) Residents of this quiet Appalachian city are reacting in shock today, following the arrest of neoconservative guru Grover Norquist on investigation of beast starving.

American Society for Policing of Conservative Anarchy (ASPCA) agents raided Norquist's high security compound outside Westmost this morning, freeing many important public agencies and programs being kept in dirty, tiny cages.

"Our team found a large number of school districts, libraries, parks, and safety net programs being kept in subhuman conditions," said ASPCA Inspector Erin Piediex.

Video taken during the raid showed many public purposes -- called 'beasts' in Norquist parlance -- crammed into overcrowded cages, many starved until small enough to drown in a bathtub. "Many had not been funded in weeks," Piediex said.

Neighbors say Norquist's barbed wire-encircled property is well known around Westmost. "We like to go there to enjoy the all-night searchlight show, and the military band music played on the PA system," said Shirley A. Nutt, a local Tea Party organizer.

"I'm shocked, shocked that such horrible things have been going on at Norquist's," Nutt said.

Some residents blame Norquist's presence for poor bus service and potholes. But community leaders are upbeat. "Our taxes have never been lower," said conservative Democrat Heath Shuler, who represents Westmost in Congress.

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July 18, 2011
Jesus calls himself to run for president

Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem, PA announced today that he is a candidate for the 2012 Republican nomination for President.

"Today I'm calling myself, and I'm telling me that I'm calling me to run for President," Christ told Al Jazeera.

It is the son of god's second run for the GOP nomination. He ended his 2008 campaign after Super Tuesday having failed to connect with his own followers (Eritas, 2/6/08)

By getting into the 2012 race now, Christ backtracks on earlier support of Republican hopefuls Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, Thaddeus McCotter, and Newt Gingrich. All say they were personally called to run by Jesus or his father, god.

"So many Republicans asked me for so many things, it's hard to say no. Especially Santorum -- Jesus, I've never seen such pathetic groveling," Christ said.

Then over the weekend the Des Moines Register published an interview with Rick Perry, in which the Texas Governor said he felt "called" to enter the presidential race.

That was a surprise to Christ. "Neither I or my dad know who is calling Rick Perry, but it ain't us," he said.

It was also the last straw: "I'm not happy with any of the Republicans. Not a word about peace, or helping the poor or sick. Anywho, if things are going to be done in my name, it may as well be me doing it. I'm in," he said.

Jesus is optimistic about his chances this time, he says, "since I'm almost as popular as The Beatles."

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July 14, 2011
Bachmann says US default not end of world

"Armageddon is the end of the world"

Congresswoman Michele Anita Bryant Schlafly Bachmann moved boldly yesterday to allay fears that a US default caused by failure to raise the debt ceiling would result in economic disaster.

"Default is not the end of the world," declared the Minnesota representative: "Armageddon is the end of the world."

Bachmann has made church-state separation the hallmark of her campaign for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination (Eritas, July 1). She bristled on Wednesday at suggestions by President Obama of dire consequences should negotiations between the White House and GOP leaders fail.

Bachmann called Democratic warnings "a scare tactic akin to a terrorist threat. I'm not surprised to see this coming from Barack Hussein Obama."

"The idea that the world could end by the government not paying its obligations is really offensive to Christians like Glenn Beck and I, who are working everyday to unite Arabs and Israelis into a thermonuclear End Of Days," she said.

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July 13, 2011
Mamet agrees to direct Pawlenty

Playwright David Mamet has taken on what may be the greatest challenge of his showbiz career.

The newly uncloseted conservative writer and filmmaker has agreed to direct Gov. Tim Pawlenty in his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.

Mamet says it's his job to "jazz up" the style and pacing of the former Minnesota governor, whose personality has been called bland. "When I'm through with Tim Pawlenty you're not going to recognize him. He's going to be (expletive) butch," said Mamet.

"He's going to talk like a (expletive) winner, which is not the same as speaking like one," he said.

"Take, for instance, a debate. Debaters take turns speaking. (Expletive) that! Tim Pawlenty is going to interrupt, talk over the others, intimidate and mock. He's going to say (expletive), and (expletive) it, people are going to notice."

Already Mamet's tutelage appears to be paying off. Last weekend, in a sneak preview on NBC's Meet The Press, Pawlenty hit hard at GOP rival Michele Bachmann, calling her "a (expletive) (expletive) and her record in Congress "(expletive) nonexistent."

Mamet said he will continue to rehearse with Pawlenty, describing the process as "ABC -- actor's boot camp."

Mamet said Pawlenty has to do more than memorize his lines: "He also has to practice singing, dancing and stage combat. Most importantly, I have him on a strict physical regimen -- thirty mile runs, calisthenics, a high protein diet, and no coffee."

Because, Mamet emphasized, "Coffee is for nominees."

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July 9, 2011
A Message From Michele Bachmann

Greetings, my fellow Americans: I am Congresswoman Michele Anita Bryant Schlafly Bachmann, the next President of Minnesota and attached realms.

Recently, the liberal media reported me as saying I hope higher unemployment improves my chances of becoming President.

Now, you're probably expecting me to explain it, or spin it, or deny it. Well here it comes: I don't hope for more unemployment.

I'm counting on it.

Look you guys. I'm only running for President of the entire freaking country. If a few million more of you updating your resumes is what it takes to drag down Obama's poll numbers -- to where he might be within reach if I use rocket boots -- well, to make an omelet you've got to break a few eggs.

In fact, here are some other eggs you can break to help my run for the White House:

Lose your house. Increase the foreclosure rate by not making your house payments. Make Obama pay for the 2008 financial collapse!

Shop at Whole Foods. Nothing lowers consumer confidence like high grocery bills. So stoke your outrage over the failure of Obamanomics by paying $100 for a bag of groceries.

Get divorced and call attention to our moral decay -- instead of irreconcilable differences put down 'gay marriage.'

So pitch in, everyone! Kill American optimism and help me become President! All I'm asking for is some shared sacrifice.

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July 4, 2011
Greece frees Americans on flotilla against their will

Gingriches "thought it was a Carnival Cruise"

Greece stopped a flotilla of aid ships from leaving port for Gaza yesterday, freeing an American couple who say they were held on board one ship after mistakenly joining what they thought was an Aegean cruise.

The US Embassy in Athens said the Americans are Newt and Callista Gingrich of Washington, DC, a retired couple who run for president in their spare time.

It was to be, the Gingriches said, their second dream cruise of the Mediterranean this summer. "We thought it was a Carnival Cruise, instead we found ourselves among people intent on on delivering dangerous humanitarian relief supplies," said Newt Gingrich.

He said they will be suing their travel agent, as well as the Athens shuttle driver who dropped them at the wrong pier. The Gingriches told American diplomats of horrific conditions on board the ship, the Audacity Of Hope.

"We were assigned an inhumanely tiny cabin, and the food was bland and unimaginative," said Callista.

"And such small portions," added Newt, noting the absence on the ship of any pork products.

"I'm on a special diet of a dozen sausage links for breakfast, a BLT or bacon cheeseburger for lunch, and then a sensible dinner such as a slab of ribs. I didn't have any pork during a week on that boat -- it's gotta be a human rights violation," he said.

Aside from regular drills to practice repelling boarders, the only entertainment was Alice Walker reading from her selected works. A weary Callista Gingrich declared she just wanted to find a salon and get her roots done.

Greek authorities arrested the Audacity Of Hope's captain on charges of attempting to leave port with neither a catering license or kosher certificate properly displayed in the galley.

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July 1, 2011
Bachmann supports church-state separation

Geology-themed Grand Canyon trail goes against Bible

Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann came out in favor of separation of church and state today, saying she would would slash the Grand Canyon National Park budget because government shouldn't promote the theory that Earth is more than six thousand years old.

It was the Minnesota congresswoman's most forceful statement so far about the kind of policies she would offer should she be elected President.

Bachmann's remarks came during a campaign tour of Iowa, as she spoke about reducing the size of govt and infringements on freedom. The target of her ire is the new Trail Of Time, which opened at Grand Canyon last year. Each meter of the trail is advertised as representing a million years of geologic time.

"The Trail Of Time violates the Establishment Clause of the Constitution, because it goes against the Bible scholars who have proven Earth was created only 5,000 years ago -- 6,000 at the outside," Bachmann said.

"Not to mention the fact that measuring the trail in meters is anti-America," she charged.

Bachmann said she does not object to the existence of parks, only the involvement by government.

"If the Grand Canyon is truly billions of years old, as secular humanists claim, then it doesn't need a government that only came along a couple hundred years ago," she said, arguing the Grand Canyon would be best managed by the free market.

"Maybe it would create more jobs if the Grand Canyon were filled in to create room for homes and businesses -- and maybe it wouldn't. My point is the private sector should decide," Bachmann said.

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June 29, 2011
Bachmann forming rock band

Cites "lack of listenable neocon-rock"

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann could have her hat in the presidential ring and her feet tapping time, if her latest tactic in her campaign for the 2012 Republican nomination bears gold.

And the gold may be in the form of gold records. Bachmann, the serial foster mother who represents Minnesota's 6th district, announced today that she is forming a rock band.

"I'm so glad to tell America that I'll be fronting a group made up of Charlie Crist, John McCain, and Neal Young," Bachmann told well-wishers in Concord, not-Massachusetts.

The group will be called Crist, Bachmann, McCain & Young -- or CBMY for short.

The three leaders of CBMY share the experience of landing in hot water for using music by left-wing artists. Crist was famously forced by David Byrne to apologize for unauthorized use of Road To Nowhere, and both Bachmann and McCain have been enjoined by Tom Petty, over Won't Back Down and American Girl.

"Barack Obama's stimulus has failed to reach the right wing campaign song sector of the economy. The reason we've had to use liberal music is the lack of listenable neocon-rock," said Bachmann.

"CBMY will kick loose with rhymes and riffs that will rock our rallies -- just as catchy as tunes by left-wing, anti-America singers, but more wholesome and patriotic," she said.

But the favorite daughter of Stillwater, MN took pains to emphasize CBMY music will be "artistically unique, from an intellectual property perspective, you betcha."

"For example, the Young in CBMY isn't Neil Young, but N-e-a-l Young, the intern who holds my purse, and happens to play a mean rhythm guitar."

CBMY is now in the studio laying down tracks for their first album, tentatively titled Krazy Hoss.

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June 24, 2011
Photo: Top Republicans Walk Out of VP Biden's Debt Talks

Sen. Jon Kyl (L), Rep. Eric Cantor (R) and unidentified lobbyist leaving the debt-ceiling talks.

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June 23, 2011
Big Oil calls on EPA to regulate "dangerous" clean energy

The American Petroleum Institute today urged the EPA to regulate clean energy. O. Lee Sheen called wind and solar-generated power "dangerous."

Sheen, a spokesman for the oil industry think tank, pointed to recent tornadoes and windstorms as proof of the destructiveness of wind.

"Hundreds die in windstorms every year, and taxpayers and insurance companies have to pay billions to repair storm damage," said Sheen.

"And you just have to talk to a dermatologist to know how harmful radiation from the sun can be," he added, and noted -- "After Fukushima, Americans are rightly concerned about radiation."

"In contrast, Americans have learned to live with oil pollution, and the oil industry is well-regulated -- over-regulated, even. Instead of handing out tax credits to encourage adoption of unproven, pie-in-the-sky sun and wind technology, the Federal government should restrict them until better understood," Sheen said.

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June 14, 2011
Bush says GOP candidates are ungrateful

Wants credit for recession, unemployment, debt

Republicans across the country are excited about the current crop of candidates vying for their party's 2012 nomination for president, on display at last night's debate in New Hampshire.

But one person is angry at what he heard -- or rather, what he didn't hear.

"I want some credit for giving them issues to run on," said former president George W. Bush, in exclusive remarks soon after the end of the debate, which aired live on CNN.

"They're all running on the recession, unemployment, and massive national debt. But none of them has called to thank me. Worse still, those ingrates say Obama did it!" said Bush.

A visibly upset Bush spoke at length about his dissatisfaction. "I'm the one who accomplished those things -- me, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney's best friend. My mortgage bubble crashed Wall Street! I cut taxes and ran the wars off-budget! And no one, I say no one, didn't create jobs like I did. Not."

While the vast of majority of economists credit Bush with responsibility for the current state of the economy, it's the respect of his Republican peers Bush wants the most. And he seems genuinely hurt that gratitude has not been forthcoming.

"A simple thank you would be nice, plus a few donations to my library. But what do I get? Nothing, not even a new bell for my handlebars," he said.

"You'd expect Gingrich could come up with something good, maybe some jewelry," mused Bush. "I don't wear the stuff, I'd give it to Laura and Mom. But it's the thought, you know?"

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June 9, 2011
Gingrich tweets photo of his junk

Distracts from campaign's freefall

Faced with a deepening crisis in his month old run for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich sought to stop his campaign's freefall today by tweeting a photo of his genitals.

"Hey everybody, check ME out," read the message that accompanied the photo in Gingrich's Twitter feed, timestamped 12:39 pm Eastern Time.

The dramatic gamble came less than an hour after word broke of mass resignations by Gingrich's entire team, including campaign manager Rob Johnson, diamond cutter Dave Carney, polisher Rick Tyler, gold and silversmiths Katon and Sam Dawson, diamond buyer Craig Schoenfeld, and shuffleboard coach Scott Rials.

Then at 1:15 pm Eastern Time Gingrich went on CSPAN's Book TV to issue a heartfelt apology. "I want to tell my wife and my supporters that I'm sorry and take full responsibility for hiring such unreliable back-stabbing Judases, who drove me to such a calculated act of desperation," Gingrich said. He went on to say that he has no intention of dropping out of the race.

The gamble appears to have paid off, with a snap poll of 100 Republican voters finding Gingrich had sunk so low in the rankings that he lapped himself, and now sits atop the GOP field. Gingrich pollster Stan Dardeviasian calls this the Bush Effect.

This afternoon Gingrich was back on the campaign trail in New Hampshire and in a good mood, saying finances are not a problem. "This morning my campaign imploded with so much force that a bag of Kingsford charcoal brickets, which had been on the patio at my headquarters, was turned into diamonds with an estimated value of $20 million," he said.

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June 6, 2011
Congressman Broun proposes new federal holiday

George W. Bush Birthday would be 3-month weekend

The United States honors its Presidents with a Monday federal holiday in February, but a new bill in the House of Representatives proposes to give George W. Bush a holiday of his own.

On Monday Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) introduced HR 43, designating the Monday closest to Bush's July 6 birthday as an official President George Walker Bush Birthday holiday. The bill comes just in time for Bush's birthday this year, when the 43rd president is due to turn 65.

Moving Independence Day to March 17 is not the most innovative aspect of Broun's proposal. "President Bush spent more time on vacation while in office than any other president," said Broun, "which calls for more than a piddly three-day weekend. That's why Bush's Birthday will be America's first three-month holiday weekend."

Broun said he expects HR 43 to easily pass in the GOP-controlled House. "Every Republican is a co-sponsor, because we're Number One at taking time off to spend more time with family," he said.

In addition, Broun said the three-month weekend would be an opportunity to thank Bush for the last ten years of tax cuts for job creators. "The Bush tax cuts makes it possible for job creators to be able to afford three months off in the first place," he said, adding that there will be a trickle-down effect benefiting workers who earn most of their income in tips.

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said she would interrupt her family bus vacation to take the three-month weekend off. "Honorin' President Bush is so important for the American people to remember him, he who flew over Louisiana, shootin' pictures and ringin' the bell for the stewardess, and warned the Katrina floodwaters that Americans have the forces of evaporation on our side," said Palin, noting that last week her bus had driven near a tornado in Massachusetts.

In a related story, Broun said he is also drafting legislation creating a Ronald Reagan Birthday holiday on Feb 6, repeating on Feb. 13 for anyone who forgot.

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June 2, 2011
Romney throws hat in the ring

Strategy avoids anything to do with Massachusetts

(Stratham, NH) Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney officially entered the 2012 Republican nomination for President today, not in Massachusetts.

"Helloooo New Hampshire!" Romney called out to enthusiastic supporters gathered at Bittersweet Farm, in this picturesque New England state known for Labor Department murals, a presidential primary, and for not being where Romney enacted landmark health coverage reform.

"Barack Obama has failed America," Romney said in brief remarks. "Well I am here to offer myself as America's lifeguard. And as I jump into the presidential waters at the deep end, I am proud to have New Hampshire to hold onto like the big Granite State that you are," he said.

Romney made no mention of neighboring Massachusetts -- or of the individual insurance mandate that was the centerpiece of his 2006 health reform legislation there -- instead choosing to outline his positions on a number of key issues:

  • Jobs. Pledged to introduce a jobs bill in his first 100 days in office, including a mandate that unemployed Americans must find work.
  • Education. Sees no need to increase education funding, believing instead that students and teachers ought to be mandated to achieve high test scores and small class sizes.
  • Homeland Security. Will require Americans to participate in a universal warrantless surveillance program.
  • The Bush Tax Cuts. Would mandate that the richest 2% of Americans must take the Bush tax cut.
  • Gay Marriage. Supports traditional marriage, but has no objection to man-dating.
  • "These are all ideas I will be campaigning on, ideas that are right for America, and in the coming year and a half I will be taking that message to all of the forty-nine states," Romney said.

    Later, Romney toured Bittersweet Farm with owners Doug and Mary Scamman, walking carefully through barn and pastures so as to not step in any formerly held positions.

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