←Earth Month→

1 Boehner sees jobs in Obama energy goals
4 Terry Jones launches environmental quest
6 GOP planning Earth Day gala
11 House OKs EPA privatization
13 Eric Cantor chooses green theme for Congressional bar mitzvah
18 Palin's new carbon plan has pop
22 Our Alien Overlords Promote Galactic Eco-Tourism
26 Bee die-off could mean people jobs
29 Franklin Graham now wants to save oil

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"If we don't use less gas there is a real danger that there won't be any oil left in Hell to burn sinners for all eternity"

Rev. Franklin Graham reached out to the Obama administration today, a week after making statements that he now admits made it appear he believed allegations the President was not born in the United States.

The already controversial pastor told Wholly Holy ("the magazine for fundamentalist Christians who like Glee™") he regrets endorsing the speculation put forward by possible Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. "I see now it was wrong for me to judge, lest I be judged," said Graham.

Instead, Graham is hoping to get mileage out of his bridge-building decision to join First Lady Michelle Obama's celebration of Earth Month, which ends tomorrow. Graham said he hopes to make Christians aware of the need to conserve oil.

"Whether through walking, biking, carpooling and taking transit to church, or consolidating car trips, it's important for Christians to drive less," said Graham.

Graham explained that intense Bible study has convinced him of the importance of oil conservation. "All through the Old Testament, you can find mention of oil -- holy oil, annointing with oil, all that. Hannukah -- that was all about conserving oil," he said.

Graham continued: "Then, when you come to the end of the Bible and Revelations, the conclusion is obvious -- the fires of Hell are powered by fossil fuels. The 'Lake of Fire' is probably petroleum. Therefore, if we don't use less gas there is a real danger that there won't be any oil left in Hell to burn sinners for all eternity."

Graham said that he is turning from saving souls to saving oil. "All oil can be saved. I call on all Bible-believing Christians to conserve oil from here on out. Tune up your car. Ride the bus. Buy a hybrid or electric vehicle. Because when Jesus returns we won't need cars anymore, because we'll all have wings," Graham said.

In the meantime, said Graham, people will be able to enjoy cleaner air here on Earth. "Robert Schuller tells me the L.A. smog leaves so much dirt on the Crystal Cathedral, it takes a dozen services to collect enough in offerings to pay the window washers," he said.

Crude oil futures prices settled at fresh two-a-half-year high Friday, with pump prices projected to hit $4.11 a gallon. "May Big Oil burn eternally," commented Graham, checking his wallet.

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(Benton Harbor) The mystery of bee colony collapse could be an opportunity for this Michigan city now under state emergency financial management.

Farmers rely on beekeepers to supply domesticated bees to pollinate crops. But since about 2006 the phenomenon known as colony collapse -- the sudden disappearance of worker bees -- has struck beehives in Europe, North America and Taiwan.

Environmentalists and apiologists haven't settled on a cause, but global warming, pollution, parasites, and electromagnetic fields are suspected. Commercial agriculture will be impacted if the decline continues, since bees pollinate crops.

But where scientists see beehives as half empty, Dr. Frandle Stingley sees them as half full: "you could say colony collapse might 'bee' the solution to high unemployment," says Stingley, a professor of apiary economics.

Stingley is touting a plan that would retrain out of work Americans for a completely new kind of job: agriculture pollination worker. "What we're talking about is people getting paid to work outdoors in the fresh air," said Stingley.

Stingley stressed these new jobs would pay more than subsistence wages. "Being an agriculture pollination worker would require training in botany, cartography and movement. You have to walk through fields of flowering crops wearing a special pollen-catching suit, while memorizing kinds of pollen and their location. Then back at the hive that information is relayed to colleagues using complex dances," he said.

One fan of the agriculture pollination worker is Michigan Governor Rick Snyder. "The idea of drones waiting hand and foot on a monarch is very appealing," Snyder told a Lansing symposium organized by Plantation for a New American Century (PNAC), a conservative think tank that partially funds Stingley's research.

Snyder likes Stingley's idea so much he intends to order the legislature to set up a pilot project, possibly in Benton Harbor. Michigan farmers who invest in retraining workers to be pollinators would have their investment protected -- Snyder would let pollinators form unions, but swarming would be illegal. "This is a fair tradeoff, since pollinators would have winters off," Snyder explained.

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"Many will come see Earth's wild tribbles"

Just two years ago, Earth was being written off as a total loss, an ecological disaster area.

But now our alien overlords from Xerkon VI say there is still hope: they think our big blue marble could be the next big thing in galactic eco-tourism.

"The Brownfields Tourism Ministry tells Zan-Tor that many cloud-beings, polydactyls, water-breathers, and mechanoids want to book vacations to see Earth," said energy cloud-being Zan-Tor of the Xerkonian Embassy In Orbit.

Zan-Tor

In an embassy press conference aboard the Xerkonian driveship Monsan-To, Zan-Tor explained that a new assessment by the Xerkon Brownfields Tourism Ministry has found Earth's environment is becoming better able to support a variety of endangered invasive alien species.

Those species are becoming more and more rare elsewhere in the galaxy, Zant-Tor said, due to environmental restoration during the most recent half-millennium.

"Many kinds of off-world wildlife thrive on high CO2, low pH water and a hot climate," said Zan-Tor. Many of the animals that survived starship crashes on Earth, that in previous millennia would die off because of cool weather and lack of pollution, now thrive.

"They are doing so well, the ministry will declare Earth an alien wildlife reserve, a very exciting development," Zan-Tor said.

One invasive species especially beloved by the galaxy's sentient beings is the tribble, the grain-loving balls of fur that are popular pets. They were almost eradicated on other planets by environmentalism and development of sustainable antimatter energy -- because it turned out that wild tribbles need CO2, acidic drinking water and a hot climate to survive.

Tribbles of Earth

Luckily, a few of the tribbles left on Earth over the centuries managed to hang on until the 1800s. Numbers skyrocketed with the advent of industrial coal production and the internal combustion engine. Today they are found on every continent except Antarctica. Other alien invasive species that thrive here include spartina seagrass, the rat, and the common mcnugget.

The result is a continued role for Earth in the galactic economy. "Many eco-tourists will come see Earth's wild tribbles, this changes the current plans to abandon Earth," said Zan-Tor.

"Most humans will still be adapted to conserve the environment of Xerkon VI. But we will keep a token group of humans on Earth, to perform authentic reenactments of human culture and to work as housekeeping staff," Zan-Tor said.

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Dirty energy can be clean energy, if Sarah Palin's latest idea catches fire. The former Alaska governor was in Wisconsin Saturday, staking out territory as a green anti-environmentalist.

Although her candidacy for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination is still undeclared, Palin told dozen of Tea Party supporters in Madison that if she were in the White House she would get serious about carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.

"One day I was at Sam's Club readin' the labels on all the sody pop, and I noticed they are all carbonated and I thought 'hey, if carbon dioxide is so bad how come sody pop is safe to drink?' So much for godless science -- like Dr. Spock says, it's highly illogical -- and I thought, wouldn't it be great if we could take all the see-oh-two those so-called scientists are worried about and do somethin' useful with it. That'd show 'em what right-thinking Americans are capable of," said Palin.

"So I looked at Willow and Trig, who were with me, and I decided I would save the planet for them and their children. Not with each other, because they're brother and sister, I mean children they'll have with people yet to be determined," Palin explained.

Her solution: carbon capture and storage. "Carbon capture is something those pointy-headed scientists are workin' on, they say they're tryin' to catch the see-oh-two from factories and burning coal, and shoot it into rocks. Well what good does the see-oh-two do us if it's in rocks? I have a better way," she said.

"If I decide to run for president and I win, I'll take all the extra see-oh-two and put it where it's needed the most -- in our sody pop. We'll be able to drill baby drill for oil, dig baby dig for clean coal, and ensure a sustainable supply of sugary carbonated beverages for our children and their children, who they'll have with non-relatives."

Palin said that she will try to win a spot on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice next season, to promote her idea for a market-based carbon capture product, a soda pop called Really Clean Coal-a 2012. "RC Coal-a 2012 will be the first sody pop with real coal flavor, that's also a clean and green see-oh-two storage system," Palin said.

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Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) announced today he has chosen making money off the environment as the theme for his Congressional no-host bar mitzvah, putting a green spin on the House GOP Caucus' traditional Judeo-Christian rite of passage for new Majority Leaders.

For his Torah portion, the boyish Cantor has chosen the story of the Garden of Eden, "where Jesus told Adam Smith not to impose penalties on polluters, lest polluters impose penalties on you at the gas pump."

What else would Jesus do for the environment? The Savior would start by cutting business taxes, Cantor said, because if left alone the natural efficiency of the market will eliminate pollution. "I also think He'd want us to pay corporations to be clean -- 'render unto Orange Julius Caesar,' you know?"

"Also, get rid of the Endangered Species Act, because we have to protect our First Amendment right to cast out serpents," added the sheyner-ponimed lawmaker.

The post-service party will be held in the newly un-green House Of Representatives cafeteria. Entertainment will be provided by a host of celebrities portraying environmental heroes, including Kelsey Grammer as the Brawny paper towel man, and Jon Voight as former Union Carbide CEO Warren M. Anderson.

Speaker John Boehner is paying for the party, and is putting his own spin on the tradition: "from now on we're calling them hosted bar mitzvahs."

Guests are asked to RSVP by April 30. "Baruch ata elo hey y'all," the invitation reads.

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Functions will be turned over to Owliburton Inc.

House Republicans are congratulating themselves for their cleverness today, after a late-Friday budget deal that saw Democrats unwittingly agree to privatize the Environmental Protection Agency.

"We faked out the Democrats by using a triple negative and a footnote," said Majority Leader Eric Cantor, about a policy rider requiring the Obama Administration to not un-defund the EPA. A footnote privatizes the agency, turning it over to a division of Halliburton.

The change automatically became law, Cantor said, after the House approved the continuing resolution to fund the federal government into next week.

"Oh well, we'll get you back next time," House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer said in conceding defeat on the issue.

On October 1, the start of the 2012 Fiscal Year, environmental policy of the United States will become the responsibility of Owliburton, a new unit of Dubai-based Halliburton. "We're going to be shifting the focus from protecting the environment from polluters to protecting polluters from the environment," said Managing Director Tony Hayward.

According to Hayward, the environment has a lot to answer for. "It was the environment that allowed petroleum to pool naturally under the floor of the Gulf of Mexico. If all that oily nature hadn't blown past that blowout preventer, I would still be head of BP," said Hayward.

Hayward said Owliburton will continue to promote environmental education and awareness. A new series of public service announcements will team longtime US Forest Service conservation symbol Woodsy Owl with a new character, Richard "Ranger Dick" Cheney.

"Woodsy and Ranger Dick will talk about the need to cut taxes on polluters instead of prosecuting them. The slogan will be 'Give a hoot, don't throw the book'," Hayward said.

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Nuke, oil and coal compete to power huge light show

More details emerged today concerning a startling switch in the Republican Party's stance on the environment. For the first time since 1978, national Republicans are planning to celebrate Earth Day, April 20 -- and by all indications the party will be massive.

Rep. Jack Kimble said he has been given the job of making sure it looks like the GOP is focused on clean energy and protecting the environment.

"Over the years the Republican Party has earned the reputation as the go-to organization for planning self-congratulatory celebrations, and this sure smells like that to me," said Kimble, who represents California's 54th District.

A lot is riding on the event. "I'm angling for a chairmanship in the next session," Kimble said. Therefore he's planning a celebration to end all celebrations.

"We're going to have huge celebrities like Jon Voight, Kelsey Grammer and Victoria Jackson," he mused.

"But the big finish is going to be flashy and explosive -- as befits such an important symbol of whatever it is the day is about. My goal is to create a light show that can be seen from space," Kimble said.

To that end Kimble revealed he has invited project applications from three consortia from the energy industry: "Who better to create an exhibition ushering in the new era of clean energy?"

Kimble commented on each of the proposals.

Consortium 1: Clean Coal

This Massey Energy-led project plans to have miners strike a ceremonial match at a West Virginia mountaintop removal mine. When the top of the mountain is blown off, debris is thrown into the air to symbolize the way coal particulates might help cool the planet. Kimble called this concept "imaginative, but the haze would reduce visibility for the worldwide TV audience."

Consortium 2: Clean Oil

British Petroleum is behind this entry, which would erect petroleum-fueled 'Eternal Flames' in the oceans off the coasts of the lower 48 states and Alaska. "If we award offshore drilling permits to BP the cost of the Eternal Flames would be built into their operations budget. So that's a win. The only drawback is that there is a very good chance the oceans might get set on fire." Kimble called this proposal "very strong, on balance."

Consortium 3: Clean Nuclear

This plan, submitted by all the commercial nuclear plants in the U.S., seeks complete deregulation of the industry by Congress. With safety left up to the discretion of each company, "they would be able to turn up all the reactors to 11, leading to -- and I quote -- 'the biggest light show until Judgement Day'," Kimble said.

"Not only do they know how to write for Republican readers, the glow would almost certainly be visible from space," he concluded, adding, "I think we have a winner."

Extra: Rep. Jack Kimble website

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Wants to develop 'clean Qur'an burning'

The Florida pastor being criticized for burning the Qur'an is hoping a new phase in his life will let critics see him in a new light.

Jones is the focus of anti-western demonstrations in Afghanistan which led to attacks on a UN compound and the deaths of three western staffers. Protests are in their fourth day.

But now the controversial figure says he is a born again environmentalist. "Burning is bad for the environment, I want to find a way to desecrate the Qur'an without polluting the air," Jones told the Christian magazine Wholly Holy.

Last year, Jones and his Gainsville, Florida, Dove World Outreach Center earned international condemnation when he threatened to burn a Qur'an, but then backed off after much publicity and phone calls from world leaders.

But last month Jones decided not burning the Qur'an brought him less publicity, and burned the Muslim holy book following a mock trial.

However, the burning awakened him to the problem of air pollution.

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Pastor Jones In the 1970s (above) and today

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"The smoke irritated our eyes and we had to get the choir robes dry cleaned, but we also got a ticket from the county for violating an air quality burning ban. I thought there had to be a better, greener way to spread religious bigotry and hate," Jones recollected.

Jones said he has started diverting 10 percent of weekly tithes to fund creation of a chair in environmental creation science at Regent University. Researchers will develop a method for so-called 'clean Qur'an burning' and other eco-friendly ways to destroy the Qur'an, as well as other non-Christian religious symbols. "The chair will be made out of rare Indonesian hardwood," Jones said.

Becoming a fervent environmentalist is not the first transformation for the fundamentalist pastor. In the late 60s he was a model for the artist Tom of Finland in the exciting Helsinki underground scene.

Then in the early 70s he was the Telephone Repairman in the Village People, but left the group before it made it big, choosing instead to enter the ministry to become a narrow minded, hypocritical hate monger.

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500,000 nuclear cleanup workers by 2015

House Speaker John Boehner astounded the Washington establishment today, when he acknowledged that President Obama's energy goals could have a positive impact on employment.

"It could be good for jobs," the Republican leader told reporters over cocktails at The Raven Grill in Mt. Pleasant.

"Not only is Obama keeping clean coal in the plan, not only is he giving us what we want on domestic drilling for oil and gas, but he's also sticking with nuclear," said Boehner.

"Nuclear is the linchpin. It's a reason to celebrate. Cuz you know why? You want to know why?" Boehner asked the reporters, beckoning them to draw closer.

"Cleanup! Even when things are going smoothly, you gotta have crews for taking care of the spent fuel rods. That's jobs. Then guys to truck the stuff, the waste, to the depositrory- the deposidrawery- the dumps. And then guys to build the dumps. Jobs, jobs, jobs!" Boehner said.

But the bulk of new jobs would be in the area of what Boehner called Mergence Response. "Mergence response will break this whole recovery wide open -- KABLOOIE!" he exclaimed.

"When that happens, you'll need hunnerds of thousanns of mergence workers to handle all that scary radiation stuff, like at Fukoo- Fukyoo- that Japanese power plant," he said.

"Half a million nook mergence cleanup jobs in four, five years. Scout's honor. That's why Obama doing nucular- nuclare- atomic power is another reason to celebrate. C'mon, hoose for another round?"

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