- This Month +

2 Obama quits Netflix
3 McCain woos Clinton supporters
7 1st Amendment shields Bush on prewar intel lies
9 Ex-AG a hit on graduation circuit
11 McCain takes final GOP primary
14 Salute This
19 Bush pledges to save Pacific species
24 Dear leader by Kim Jong Il
25 Nickels has plan to fight hunger
30 Seattle-area man's sweet deal

   "Where's the
   Archive?"

Used Hummer incredibly cheap

A Seattle-area man defied prevailing pessimistic consumer attitudes last weekend, pulling off what he calls "the deal of a lifetime."

On Sunday afternoon Bernard K. "Bucky" Frandle, 31, of Lynnwood, a suburb north of Seattle, showed off his acquisition, a used 2006 Hummer H2, to a spontaneous gathering of friends at Alderwood Mall, Lynnwood's cultural mecca.

"This was the deal of a lifetime," Frandle told best bud Ted Mullett, 32.

"Why someone would sell such a cherry ride for only $1,200 is a mystery to me," said Frandle.

"Dude," remarked Mullet.

Frandle credits President Bush's economic stimulus package for making his 6,400 pound dream a reality. "My wife Chrissy and I finally got our $1,200 government check last Friday, and the very next day here's an ad in the newspaper for an H2 for only $1,200," he said.

"It was perfect timing," Frandle said.

"Radical," Mullet added.

Chrissy Frandle, 29, was unavailable for comment. However, a source close to Bucky Frandle who agreed to discuss the H2 on condition of anonymity said Chrissy disagrees with her husband's purchase.

"Chrissy feels there are bigger priorities right now, necessities they need to budget for," said the source, who went on to say Chrissy is particularly concerned about the 2009 digital television conversion.

"Bucky and Chrissy still don't have a plasma TV," said the source.

In national security news, the Bush administration is saying "all options are on the table" concerning the hunt in Lynnwood for prints of the motion picture Love Guru. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this morning Lynnwood risks serious consequences by continuing to bar inspectors from searching for the prints. "We can't wait for the proof that could come in the form of Mike Myers doing an accent," Rice said.

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Seattle mayor wants more sidewalk cafes

Greg Nickels, Seattle's green mayor, today announced a new plan he hopes will make food more available on the streets, promote business, and encourage walking.

Nickels proposes to make it easier and cheaper to get a permit for a sidewalk cafe.

Seattle's green mayor had the idea earlier this year, during a walking tour connected to work on the Pedestrian Master Plan. "I noticed almost immediately that there were no places for me to grab a snack," said the mayor.

"I thought I'd die of hunger that day," recalled Nickels. "We didn't encounter a single hot dog cart, taco van, crepe monger, bagel oasis, pastry pusher or pasta purveyor. It's a good thing I store fat like a camel."

"Street hunger is an enormous problem. Walking takes energy, so one way the Pedestrian Master Plan can encourage more walking is to lower the cost of sidewalk cafe permits, and streamline and speed up the approval process."

Not all share the mayor's vision. Neighborhood activist Kate Frandle said the sidewalk cafe plan would do little for areas of Seattle that lack sidewalks, such as Greenwood. "He could do more for the hungry by telling City staff to stop hassling programs that feed the homeless," Frandle said.

But Nickels said his proposal will create the most benefits in the long run. "We're going to transform Seattle into a world-class city offering every kind of food imaginable. Seattle will become a veritable stew, a bouillabaisse, a melange of multi-cultural snacking opportunities," Nickels said.

"Instead of 'gray Seattle,' the world will know us as 'graze Seattle.'

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Posted June 24, 2008

Dear Leader,

What is the best way to punish disloyalty? National Security preventicizes me from disclosing the exact details, let's just say someone is talking about what happened. Signed, Privileged Executive.

Dear Executive:
       Usually I get back at people by giving them bad seats at the premiere. You know the little room down the hall, where late arrivals can sit on folding chairs and watch the movie on a video monitor? Those.
       But you probably want to make a lasting impression. OK, I love a good pitch meeting. Nothing humiliates more than unflattering casting, and it works whatever the genre:
       Thriller. A naive ambassador and his wife don't believe your speechwriters. Unbeknownst to them, her CIA identity starts ticking. It's a race against time to blow her cover before it explodes in a populated area. Stars Bruce Willis as you, Alan Rickman as Scott McClellan.
       Romantic Comedy. We bring in the Bridget Jones's Diary team for this story of a plucky defense secretary who tries to slim down force level requirements, launch a career in colonialism, and get past that indiscreet handshake with a cad of a dictator. Renee Zellwegger is Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Firth is Douglas Feith, Salman Rushdie is McClellan, and Hugh Grant is Saddam Hussein.
       Mockumentary. Watch what happens when a pregnant chad leads to invading the wrong country, no WMD, and the president declares victory too soon. John Michael Higgins plays you, Jane Lynch is Dick Cheney, Christopher Guest is George Tenet, and Fred Willard plays McClellan. Eugene Levy steals the show as David Kay.
       The best part is that any resemblance to real events or people is purely coincidental.

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Puts salmonella on Endangered list

Citing declines in numbers and ongoing threats from pollution and overharvesting, President Bush today placed three species of Pacific salmonella on the federal list of Endangered Species.

Bush announced he has issued a directive instructing the Department of Interior to list the Chinook, Sockeye and Coho salmonella as Endangered.

"Salmonella has ecological, business and recreational importance," Bush told the parts counter clerk at Capitol Hill Bikes in Washington's Georgetown district.

"We can't allow salmonella to be wiped out. Rest assured there is going to be action on this. I call on coastal states to work with federal officials on a recovery plan. Now, can I get a set of Ritchey Speedmaxes?

Bush said he decided it was time to act on salmonella during his recent farewell tour of Europe.

"Everywhere we stayed, my security detail reported to me that there was no salmonella on the menu. That shocked me, as no one could have predicted the plight of the salmonella could get this bad," said Bush.

The president said advisors had told him about the connection between tomatoes and salmonella. "If the experts say so, then we need to do something about tomatoes too. Maybe we need to to stop planting tomato trees too close to the ocean, all options are on the table," he said.

Bush went on to say that a salmonella recovery plan will likely mean studies to remove dams from the Columbia and Snake rivers will be put on hold. "Dams keep the tomatoes from floating down river, to the ocean," Bush said.

In campaign news, apparent GOP nominee John Sidney McCain III told the editorial board of the Comcast Subscriber Newsletter that Americans should think of unemployment as a way to avoid commuting and skyrocketing gas prices.

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Advice for your summer cookouts

This was supposed to be the best day of the year: Flag Day. My day. Let Me tell you about it.

I got up this morning, unfurled Myself and had a coffee. An Americano, naturally.

Then My loyal valet Frist brought Me My copy of USA Today. There was a nice story about the Constitution and habeus corpus (they're getting back together), last night's baseball scores, a recipe for apple pie, and a great photo essay of Boy Scouts saluting Me, parading Me, and generally worshipping the ground I'm never allowed to touch.

Which My jaw nearly did when I saw the front of the advertising supplement tucked into the middle of the newspaper: a sale on friggin' American Flag dishware.

DISHWARE! Oh. My. Stars. I'm already marketed on thousands of products, including the asses of people's pants, and the ass-ends of their SUVs. OK; after all this time I'm friggin' used to it.

But plates and glasses are the friggin' last straw. Can you imagine being brought out on someone's backyard patio, out in the summer sun, green grass and trees? Under such circumstances one expects to be saluted. And then: WHAP! I'm covered in a pile of potato salad or baked beans. Or worse: Jello salad mixed with German potato salad or baked beans. And barbecue sauce.

You know what is the most disgusting? Saliva. People are going to be drinking from Me, resting their utensils on Me, and putting their gnawed rib bones and corn cobs on Me like I'm some kind of friggin' garbage can. People are going to be pouring beer into Me. And you can bet it's going to be Bud, not the Dutch stuff I like. But My point is: I don’t need your backwash.

And then what happens when some drunken yahoo drops Me and I smash into a million pieces? The only proper way to dispose of Me is burning. Do you idiots know how much energy it takes to MELT GLASS??? It's just not sustainable, man.

Well salute this, America.

Listen and listen good: no food on the Flag. You put food on the Flag, and Me and Rachel Ray, America's checkered-scarf-wearing sweetheart, are going to find out where you live, we're going to go there, and we're going to KICK your SCRAWNY ASS. And then hand you over to Emeril Lagasse -- and you don't want that, trust Me. Two words: homemade 'linguica.'

And then we'll take you shopping for some proper Rachel Ray Dinnerware and Emeril Cookware. Hey, it's economic stimulus.

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Was expected to win Pangea contest

Presumptive Republican nominee for president John McCain easily won the Pangea primary yesterday, defeating Rep. Ron Paul to bring the long 2008 primary season to a close. Barack Obama had already wrapped up the Democratic nomination in his party's final primaries June 3.

Pangea was a symbolic victory for McCain, who had been expected to win his home epoch by a wide margin. However he did not take the race for granted, campaigning around the supercontinent for two days leading up to the Tuesday finale.

McCain arrived in Pangea on Sunday to campaign. Speaking at a new market-rate cave project, McCain praised the public-private partnership that made the development possible. "No more sleeping in trees, my friends. This is the kind of change we can believe in," said McCain.

On Monday, McCain visited a fire starting department for a photo opportunity. Praising the men of the station for their bravery, McCain recalled how he had wanted to learn to make fire when he was a boy.

"But today we have people who would use fire against us. My friends, fire keeps us warm, and some day it might even cook our meat. But fire can also be dangerous -- look at what happened to the Texas governor's mansion," he warned. McCain went on to say that when he is in the White House, Iran would not start fire.

McCain then toured a hunter retraining program. He promised that if elected president he would create a farm program. "My friends, agriculture is the next big thing, programs such as this are preparing Pangeans for the jobs of the future," McCain said, adding: "Keep on banging the rocks together, guys -- that's the kind of tool-using we can believe in."

That evening he attended a private fundraiser at the cave of governor Oog Oopenegger, where he answered questions on a variety of subjects of importance to Pangeans.

Speaking to the subject of recent earthquakes, McCain discounted the idea that the supercontinent might be splitting apart. "Not all scientists agree on that theory, my friends. That's not the kind of continental drift we can believe in."

Tuesday's primary went much as predicted by political experts. McCain stalked Rep. Paul through a savanna for five hours. When Paul stopped to drink from a stream, McCain clubbed him over the head to claim victory and the 45 delegates that were at stake.

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Gonzales mails it in to correspondence school

Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has not exactly been taking it easy since stepping down from the Bush Justice Department.

Gonzales has become a hit on the graduation speaking circuit. This month he is slated to deliver the commencement addresses at twelve educational institutions. On the list are a Christian law school, a junior college, a floral design institute, and a home school in Lawrence, Kansas.

Last Saturday the nation's former top law enforcement officer addressed the graduating class of the Rodiva Design Academy, a correspondence art school based in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Gonzales' text, postmarked May 29, was posted in the school's lobby. Copies will be enclosed with the students' diplomas.

Gonzales had specific advice for Rodiva's students about achieving success.

"Observe those around you," he urged. "Pick out some loser who has been nothing but a disappointment to his parents, and make yourself indispensable to him."

"Then you just follow him all the way to the top," Gonzales said, adding, "that's what I did, and look where I am now."

He closed his remarks by telling the class not to be afraid to be ruthless to get what they want: "All's fair in love and war, so long as there is no intention to inflict serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death."

Gonzales's commencement speech was not without controversy. A student group, Education, Not Nukes in Intercourse (ENNuI), wrote anti-torture and anti-war slogans on postcards and mailed them to the Dean's Office.

In campaign news, likely GOP nominee John McCain today announced his preconditions for debating presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama. "My friends, I will not hold these talks unless he agrees to let me win at least half of them," McCain said.

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President flashes Fox News "Jr. Journalist Klub Kard"

President Bush confounded the Senate Intelligence Committee yesterday, claiming the Bill Of Rights guarantee of press freedom gave him the right to lie about intelligence in the run up to the invasion of Iraq.

The committee issued two reports Thursday that criticized the president in harsh terms, saying his administration had made false claims of ties between Iraq and al Qaeda.

But responding to questions during a White House press briefing Friday, spokesperson Dana Perino revealed to correspondents that the president is a member of the Fox News 'Jr. Journalist Klub,' and is therefore, for legal purposes, a reporter protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution.

"Under a federal court ruling it is therefore permissible for him, in his role as a reporter, to lie," said Perino. She was referring to a 2005 Florida appeals court decision that there is no rule against distorting or falsifying news.

Bush, attired in a Judith Miller Fan Club t-shirt, was sitting with the press corps taking notes, and flashed them his Jr. Journalist Klub Kard.

"See? All nice and official," Bush said.

He went on to add, "Jay Rockefeller can't touch this. Nyah nyah. I win again."

On its website Fox calls the club "a Fox News fan organization for boys and girls of all ages."

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Says he is getting in touch with his feminine side

Presumptive Republican nominee for president John McCain wasted no time Tuesday night in launching his battle for the November general election.

Only minutes after Barack Obama claimed the Democratic nomination over rival Hillary Rodham Clinton following his win of the Montana primary, McCain sought to win over disaffected Clinton supporters. "My friends, if it's a female leader you want, you're looking at him," McCain told a New Orleans rally.

"I've spent the last few weeks in private, getting in touch with my feminine side. And you know what? No elderly man is prouder of his man-boobs than me, my friends," said McCain.

"In fact, my friends, I can be more than friends to Senator Clinton's supporters. I want them to consider me to be their sister," he said. He concluded the speech by removing and burning his manssiere, which he called an act of liberation.

McCain was dressed in a smart lilac-colored pantsuit, white shoes and checkered scarf. He went on to say the scarf, a kaffiyeh, came from a cute little stall he discovered while shopping in a Baghdad bazaar with the 1st Air Cavalry.

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Denies he rents films showing kaffiyehs

Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama announced today he is ending his two-year membership in Netflix "with some annoyance," due to the recent controversy about the DVDs in his queue.

Obama's departure from the California based rent-by-mail video service came after conservative commentator Michelle Malkin wrote a column about accusations by conservative bloggers that Obama has had access to middle eastern DVDs depicting scenes of kaffiyehs, the checkered arab scarf. "There is no proof he hasn't rented movies showing kaffiyehs. Lawrence of Arabia is right there on his Facebook page under Favorite Movies," wrote Malkin.

Obama wearily denied he rents kaffiyeh films. "They are not in my queue, they have never been in my queue," he told reporters in Mitchell, South Dakota.

"I prefer sweeping epics like the Godfather. Furthermore, Lawrence of Arabia was a British production. Now, can we talk about foreign policy? Domestic policy? Any kind of policy?" Obama asked.

Hillary Rodham Clinton discussed rumors about Obama's queue last night on the Fox News program "Craven Journalism." She told the program's host, Fawn Craven, that she had not heard the rumor prior to last week, and disavowed it.

"So you don't believe that Senator Obama had DVDs with kaffiyehs in his queue?" asked Craven.

"No, there is nothing to base that on. As far as I know," Clinton replied.

Her Netflix queue, she went on to say, includes films from Israel, the recent feature Bobby, and the documentary 1968 With Tom Brokaw.

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