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Posted December 18, 2003
"What's the difference?"

The Washington Post reports: In an interview Tuesday night with President Bush, ABC correspondent Diane Sawyer asked why the administration stated as a "hard fact" that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein had such weapons when it appears now he only had the intent to acquire them.
      "So what's the difference?" Bush responded. "The possibility that he could acquire weapons. If he were to acquire weapons, he would be the danger. That's what I'm trying to explain to you."

So now Wanting weapons=Having weapons? Will black=white and 2+2=5? The revisionist possibilities are endless!

  • Fewer votes than your opponent means you win the election!
  • A $500 billion deficit means the budget is balanced!
  • Not showing up for your duty assignment is fulfiling your National Guard obligations!
  • By far the vast majority of my tax cuts go to the bottom end of the spectrum...

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    Posted November 25, 2003
    Item: House passes anti-spam bill

    This spam bill will cost spam jobs! See, I really CARE about all the hot xxx women who need help using "this thing", and all they want is to give me beneficial information about the lowest mortgage rates in my area! I mean, the last time I ignored them, I started getting all these emails with accusatory subject lines like "hey buddy, where you been?" and "You blocked my IM!" (how on earth did they know???) So I'm not taking anymore chances. Far be it from me to deny these shaved, anal-fixated teens and deposed African heads of state the right to earn a living. From now on my credit card information and Social Security number will be posted on my website. And you know the National Do Not Call List? History! Call me! During dinner! I need to lose a few pounds anyway, what with the holidays coming. And all you lonely Filipino single women looking for love: I'm sorry. I'm here for you. I'm ready to listen.

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    Posted October 6, 2003
    Der Gropenfuhrer

    I would like to steer this discussion about candidate Arnold Schwarzenpfefferincorporated's alleged sexual harrassment in a more fair and balanced direction. As transcribed by Joe Conason in his column of today, Arnold gives us an important clue into the true origin of this groping controversy (emphases added):

    AS: I never grabbed anyone and then pulledup their shirt and grabbed their breasts, and stuff like that. This is not me. So there's a lot of this stuff going on....
    Tom Brokaw: So you deny all those stories about grabbing?
    AS: Not at all. I'm just saying this is not-- this is not me.

    If taken literally, one is forced to ask-- if it is not him, then WHO IS IT? Or more to the point, WHAT is it? Is Arnold being controlled by e-vil, forced to grope against his will? Has he been completely replaced by a stand-in? "This is not me" can be interpreted as a coded cry for help, meaning the real Arnold is in there, somewhere, fighting the Mind Rays or Microbots forcing him to do their bidding. Or it could be a chilling admission, by an arrogant doppelganger, confident of inevitable victory.
          Before you ridicule this theory, discredit me in the popular press and then steal the idea for your own screenplay treatment, consider the state Arnold (or, more properly, "Arnold") is seeking to lead. California (or, more properly, "Collie-four-nee-ya"). The Golden State. Home to Silicon Valley and Industrial Light & Magic. For the people who gave us Java and Darth Vader, an Austrian is well within their capabilities.
          One last thing. Check the credits on any Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. In every one you'll find a listing for "Stand-in for Mr. Schwarzenegger" or "Mr. Schwarzenegger's double". I rest my case.

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    Posted September 23, 2003
    Item: Bush is in New York to address the UN

    Transcript of meeting
    Between the President and Vice President Cheney
    Sept. 23, 2003
    Security Classification: Embarrassing

    Vice President Cheney: "...and remember Mr President, don't let Chirac trap you into a debate about Afghanistan."

    The President: "Afghan Stan? I thought our guy's name was Hamid."

    VP: "No, I meant- um, that's right actually. Very good sir."

    P: "Dick, I know you and Poppy think I don't pay attention, but I do."

    VP: "It's just that during the Afghanistan briefing you appeared to be doing the Hocus Focus."

    P: "It was the Word Jumble. And... Hamid was one of the words."

    VP: "Sir, just to put my mind at ease: What's the Fifth Amendment?"

    P: "Didn't they do 'Up, Up and Away'?"

    VP: "Never mind. Now, moving on to tonight's dinner with Kofi Annan-"

    P: "I like pie!"

    VP: "Yes, sir."

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    Posted September 17, 2003
    General Uproar

    Humorist/writer Adam Felber asks the question, "What Flavor of Mud?" when reflecting on Gen. Wesley Clark's entry into the Democratic Presidential race. Felber wants to know "1) Who will be the first major blogger to launch a broadside attack on Clark?... 2) When the Republicans finally come to an agreement about what Clark's Big Problem is, what will it be?... 3) What will be the big, nasty, unprovable rumor about Clark that appears out of nowhere, get incontrovertibly refuted immediately, and yet somehow linger around the fringes right up until election day?"

    1. Does Linda Tripp have a blog?
    2. Think about it: William Clinton... Wesley Clark-- the initials are the same!!! Clinton... from Arkansas. Clark... FROM ARKANSAS! Clinton and Clark: both great military lea- oh damn.
    3. Not smart enough to get out of active military duty.

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