http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/nxtlevel/blog.html Wednesday, 16 May 2012 22:30:00 -0800 Super Simple RSS webadmin@kinetic.seattle.wa.us http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog99.html#mide The kingdom of heaven is a little further off today, as the Bulletin Of Creation Scientists announced they have turned back the hands of the Armageddon Clock to an hour before midnight. Bulletin Executive Director Ward Monger attributed the change to a worrisome decrease in Mideast tensions... Thursday, 17 May 2012 11:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics religion international israel palestine christians rapture http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog99.html#webster Saying ignorance is bliss... Rep. Daniel Webster had introduced the bill, the LaLaLaLaLa Amendment, because he believes Census Bureau's American Community Survey is an unconstitutional gathering of data to determine what is real.... Tuesday, 15 May 2012 20:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans ignorance census florida american community survey daniel webster http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog99.html#romneycare Mitt Romney -- in a bid to change the subject away from questions surrounding his religion, 2011 taxes, gay marriage, time as CEO of Bain Capital, record as Massachusetts governor, statements during the 1994 Senate race against Edward M. Kennedy, women's reproductive rights, lack of empathy, abuse of a family dog, foreign bank accounts, Richard Grenell, Ann Romney's $990 shirt, car elevators, the auto industry bailout, the height of Michigan trees, and leadership of a 1965 prep school gaybashing incident -- spoke today about where he differs from President Obama on American health insurance... Monday, 14 May 2012 20:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 campaign mitt romney wall street corporate welfare citizens united http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog99.html#nc North Carolina voters today narrowly approved an amendment to the state constitution cancelling the situation comedy "Modern Family." The Office of Secretary of State announced passage of Amendment 1 with a Yes vote of over 59%, thereby enacting a blanket ban on gay marriage, including depictions of gay marriage, civil unions and Broadway theater... Tuesday, 8 May 2012 19:30:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics lbgt religion north carolina amendment 1 bigots http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog99.html#grenell The Mitt Romney campaign has fired another policy advisor, the campaign announced today. Former Sen. Larry Craig, an openly closeted man, will no longer serve as Romney's special advisor on airport terminal security issues... Friday, 4 May 2012 11:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics religion republicans 2012 campaign lbgt bigots mitt romney richard grenell bryan fischer http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog99.html#oblanniv Mitt Romney's national security credentials received a big boost today, with release by his financial managers of information showing the former Massachusetts governor quietly took action in 2009 to severely inconvenience Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden... Wednesday, 2 May 2012 12:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 campaign national security osama bin laden death pakistan mitt romney http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog98.html#uncool Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney continued to seek the uncool vote today, going on national TV to argue that President Obama is just too cool for school. The presumptive Republican nominee took his case to Fox & Friends, where he participated in the sardonically irreverent Toe Jam The News segment... Monday, 30 Apr 2012 12:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 campaign barack obama cool jimmy fallon slow jam the news mitt romney http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog98.html#newt Newt Gingrich continued to plan his ascendancy to the nation's highest office this morning, announcing he intends to make a major lineup change in the team he takes with him to the Oval Office. "Today I am forming a selection committee to choose my official First Lady," the former House Speaker said during a speed dating appearance in Newark, Delaware... Monday, 23 Apr 2012 10:20:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 campaign so-called values newt gingrich callista gingrich france election nicolas sarkozy carla bruni http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog98.html#cookies The private equity firm formerly headed by Mitt Romney closed Keebler's US cookie facility and moved the company's bakery production to China, idling 1,500 elves, it was learned today. The revelation comes on the heels of Romney inadvertently casting aspersions on cookies from a Pittsburgh-area bakery... Friday, 20 Apr 2012 14:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 campaign mitt romney gaffe empathy bethel bakery http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog98.html#work Ann Romney switched jobs to much fanfare this morning, resuming her career as a New Jersey shipyard worker. Mrs. Romney, the presumptive Republican nominee for First Lady, double-majored in child psychology and maritime arc welding & riveting at Brigham Young University... Monday, 16 Apr 2012 10:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 campaign mitt romney ann romney hilary rosen jobs false equivalency http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog98.html#binary Ann Romney spoke out about her husband's humanity yet again on Thursday, part of her continuing effort to portray GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney as a man of the people. "Mitt likes people, he connects with people wirelessly all the time,"... Thursday, 5 Apr 2012 14:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans 2012 campaign mitt romney ann romney unzip stiff http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog98.html#lotto (Available Apr. 2, 1100 PDT) Calling the excitement surrounding last week's Mega Millions multistate lottery "inspirational," House Republican budget idea man Paul Ryan said today he was so moved by the public interest in Friday night's $640 million drawing that he is drawing up plans to the remake the American way of life on lotto-like principles... Monday, 2 Apr 2012 12:02:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans budget austerity paul ryan mega millions lottery http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog97.html#gaffes (Available Mar. 29, 1200 PDT) Baseball legend Lou Piniella is coming out of retirement to manage the Mitts, the Romney organization announced today. Mitts GM Willard Romney said Piniella's most pressing job will be to cut down on errors. "The errors are killing us," Romney said after the Mitts' latest on-field flub, involving a joke about Gov. George Romney, a factory closure, two states, and a marching band... Thursday, 29 Mar 2012 12:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans mitt romney gaffes marching band story baseball metaphors http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog97.html#zimmerman (Sanford, Florida) The Retreat At Twin Lakes Neighborhood Watch has suspended the watchman involved in the Trayvon Martin shooting. RATLNW Deputy Chief George Zimmerman announced this morning he has placed Watchman George Zimmerman on indefinite suspension pending the completion of a shooting review. "The Neighborhood Watch has standards of conduct, and if Lt. Zimmerman's review finds Watchman Zimmerman has violated those standards, we will accept those findings," said Deputy Chief Zimmerman... Tuesday, 27 Mar 2012 12:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire crime vigilantes racism trayvon martin george zimmerman sanford florida craig sonner http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog97.html#moi Hello, I'm Rob McKenna, Republican candidate for Governor of the great state of Washington. I want to talk to you today about Obamacare, and how I have no idea why scary men are arguing about it in front of the US Supreme Court... Monday, 26 Mar 2012 15:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics health insurance contraception rob mckenna washington governor affordable care act president obama http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog97.html#unads (Available 1405 PDT) Saying the Obama administration has broken the free market for talk radio, Rush Limbaugh announced his program will adopt a new revenue model called 'paid unadvertising.' Starting Monday, companies will have the option of paying to not be promoted on the air during Limbaugh's nationally syndicated radio program... Thursday, 22 Mar 2012 14:05:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics health insurance contraception rush limbaugh boycott radio sandra fluke http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog97.html#contraception In the latest Republican move to appeal to young voters, RNC Chair Reince Priebus rolled out his party's newest lifestyle product today at a launch event for media at the RNC's Washington DC headquarters. An online dating service, the goal of Match.gop is to help sperm and eggs find their ideal lifetime partners... Thursday, 15 Mar 2012 10:40:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans health care gender abortion contraception http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog97.html#blunt Senator Roy Blunt renewed his effort to rebuild America's crumbling transportation infrastructure today, introducing legislation defining women as vehicles operated by fetuses. In remarks to the annual luncheon of the Automobile Abstinence Association (AAA), Blunt said he remains committed to improving the transportation system. This despite the Senate's rejection, by 51-48 vote, of his earlier attempt to amend a transportation bill... Monday, 12 Mar 2012 10:00:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans roy blunt health care insurance gender abortion contraception rush limbaugh sandra fluke http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog97.html#particle Scientists are closer than ever to proving the existence of Mitt Romney's empathy, the smallest subatomic particle, according to CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research. CERN's research program into the so-called 'Mitt Particle' is continuing despite having to withdraw announcements that the long-theororized empathy had been observed in Romney's statements about the height of trees and specialness of lakes in Michigan, and in his claimed love of American automobiles... Wednesday, 7 Mar 2012 12:30:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans mitt romney campaign 2012 super tuesday empathy http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog97.html#mittbot Mitt Romney is seeing yesterday's win in the Washington caucus as evidence he is winning his battle to be seen as able to relate to the lives of average Americans. While receiving an operating system upgrade at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology artificial intelligence laboratory, the former Massachusetts governor told technicians he is tackling head-on the perception that he does not relate to people on an emotional level... Sunday, 4 Mar 2012 14:40:00 -0800 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics republicans corporations personhood campaign 2012 super tuesday washington mitt romney http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog96.html#leap12 ...In a video posted on his Free Republic page, Mullah Omar said he will seek "an eye for an eye, by targeting sacred American writings like mattress tags. This is based on intelligence fed to us by our undercover operatives who have infiltrated the US," said Omar, according to a CIA translation... Wednesday, 29 Feb 2012 10:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire afghanistan homeland security mullah omar http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog96.html#knees (Available 2/27 1600PT) Saying knees aren't just for prayer anymore, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told supporters in Rockfish, Michigan that he would make the American knee the focus of health care in a Santorum administration. "I will repeal Obamacare because it doesn't make knee health a priority. Americans need healthy, functioning knees to hold expensive medications between," said Santorum... Monday, 27 Feb 2012 16:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics rick santorum foster friess choice contraceptives knees bob ferguson http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog96.html#invasive (Richmond) Cracks appeared in support for the war against Uteri today, as Lysistrata announced she is quitting the Republican Party. Lysistrata has been in alone in her opposition to the Virginia House of Delegates bill authorizing the invasion and occupation of Uteri, a region of Gynecologia. The area is held sacred by fundamentalist Christians, who regard it as the Holy Land. "I'm leaving the Republican Party because of this ridiculous war, and all my women friends are going with me, long term," said Lysistrata... Thursday, 23 Feb 2012 10:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics choice privacy civil rights women virginia transvaginal ultrasound bob mcdonnell http://kinetic.seattle.wa.us/blogs/blog96.html#suntorum Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum continued his full-throated attack today on what he called President Obama's "environmental extremist" policies. The former Pennsylvania senator revealed an alternative plan for harnessing the energy of the sun that he thinks shines out of his butt... Monday, 20 Feb 2012 17:00:00 -0700 ERITAS News Service news humor parody satire politics energy environment campaign republicans rick santorum